I Made It Through Another Day!

New Year.

2012-01-01T14:51:00.000-08:00

2012

I thought 2011 would be the year my heart would mend, I would be able to go on again. I would be able to go back where I was before my heart broke, before the battle ever began. Now I see the battle scars are too deep to just jump up back on my feet.

I have a new heart now with stitches and scars, trying to beat in spite of the damage. A worn and torn warrior is what I am now, I have to accept that, no matter what. I will never be completely whole, the way I was before the war. That was never the plan, to return home without a change, for that is the purpose of this life here on earth. It takes a lifetime of work to become someone better, the only way forward is to push on with might. Plow right through the thicket of thorned bushes and trees, there is no way around it. The wounds and the cuts will eventually heal, along with our spirit which will shine bigger and brighter, with confidence and faith that God is our Master, He knows what is best.

This new year, a new chapter will be formed. It is I who decides what will be written within. As long as I have faith in my Savior, these scars, wounds, cuts, bruises and sores will eventually completely heal. For He is the reason this life will be worth it, without Him, all hope would be gone.

So today I realize that I am new, different in so many ways that will never be who I was. I begin with a new point of view.... I need to Love who I am now, accept these changes and move forward, instead of whishing I was different. When I can look in the mirror and love what is there, with all the battle scars, flaws, and bruises, I will find the happiness I need to move on.

2012 is my year to love myself.

"And if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God." - Doctrine and Covenants 14:7

My motto for 2012: "Enduring to the end is more that just surviving, it is enjoying and loving where you are in the journey."

Family Scrapbook of 2011

2011-12-23T21:47:00.001-08:00

Photo album generated with Smilebox

My faith.

2011-12-23T19:05:00.000-08:00

I am Karen. I am a Mormon.(Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) I am a Christian. I know and testify of Jesus Christ. I know that He is my older brother and my Savior. Without Him, I would be lost forever. Jesus is the only begotten Son of God, the Redeemer of the World. Most importantly Jesus is MY Redeemer, and loves ME. I know with all my heart and soul that He was born on earth so that all mankind may be saved, even for me. Jesus knows me, loves me in spite of all my sins, flaws and short-comings. He knows when my heart is breaking. He is there to weep with me, comfort me, and give me hope and faith for the future. Jesus Christ is also there when my heart is about to burst with joy, giving me praises for succeeding when I have accomplished something difficult.

I testify, that if you seek Him out, you will receive the same knowledge, comfort and guidance. The only way back to live with our Heavenly Father is through Him.

If you would like to learn more about my faith click here: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

May all who read this feel the Spirit in which this was intended.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

2011-12-20T22:42:00.000-08:00

For all those who are missing someone they love this Christmas Season!

Wintersong

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Christmas wish

2011-12-17T19:09:00.000-08:00

To all the grieving Mothers I know, you are near and dear to my heart. May you all feel peace during this time of year as we celebrate our Savior's birth, the One who gives us the hope and faith of mending our hearts and souls for eternity.

Thanksgiving Week.

2011-11-21T16:09:00.001-08:00

My heart is full today. As I think of what I am most grateful for, my thoughts go immediately to my husband, John. I don't know what I did to deserve such a great man, but I am so thankful for that blessing. I have never known anyone as selfless as my John. He is always serving, always thinking of others. He serves our community, our city, those in need, and especially his wife and children. From the first time we met, I knew there was something special about him. He knew he loved me and that we belonged together. Sure we had things we had to work out, but we fought hard for each other, but he fought the hardest. He made huge changes for me, our developing family, knowing in his heart that it was right, but so difficult.

He continues to stand by my side, loving me with patience (and it takes a lot), faith and strength, being the rock and foundation of our family. I know it hasn't been easy for him these 21 years, we have survived so many challenges, adversity, pain and suffering, to the point where we didn't know if we could make it.

John hasn't given up on me, ever. I am so thankful for his unconditional love and devotion he shows me daily. His heart is huge, so full of compassion and love for others, for his children and especially for me. He is my example of charity. I can't imagine eternity without him.

I love you, John.

Choice

2011-11-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes this choice has to be made minute by minute.

Three years.

2011-10-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

Marcus John Russell June 14, 1991 - October 26, 2008

We have reached another milestone. Year #3 without having my oldest son Marcus with us. He fought a brain tumor/cancer for 2 years before it took his life at the age of 17.

This has been one of the roughest year so far. Depression, anxiety seem to have taken over my second oldest Aaron and me during the last year. Aaron is now the exact same age that Marcus was at the time of his death. Aaron is now a senior and will now surpass his older brother in earthly age. Aaron will finish out the marching season playing the baritone, his brothers instrument, and continue on to graduate. He really hasn't dealt with his brothers death. He even avoided our activities today.

Noah and Jackson went with John and I out to the cemetery where we put together some foam model airplanes, F-16 Thunder birds which were his favorite military plane that he wanted to fly someday. We had our own airplane salute in memory of Marcus. I think it was good therapy for the younger boys. They both have been struggling, especially Jackson. We had lots of tears and the grumpies last night. Jackson was actually sobbing uncontrollably. The councilor told me that as Jackson grows up he will have to grieve over and over as he realizes what the loss really means. He was 6 when Marcus died, and now he is 9. Yesterday he couldn't figure out why he was so sad, all he knew was that he needed to go get something new to make him happy. He couldn't understand why he kept crying, and thought if he had something new to distract him, he would stop. By the time we got them to bed, both Noah and Jackson were in tears. I ended up climbing in bed with Jackson and letting him and Noah cry it out. We talked about Marcus and what he is doing. That it is ok to miss him and remember him, especially on days like today. I reminded him that he is watching over us and gives us little reminders to show that he is near. We talked about the funny things he has done since his passing.

Today, they picked out somethings that reminded them of Marcus and we took them to the cemetery to put around his headstone. Noah picked out some lizards, Marcus used to catch them when we lived in Arizona, he always wanted a bearded dragon, but his sqwimish Mom couldn't bring herself to do it. Jackson picked out some little planes and a little batman figure. Marcus was a military plane buff and his dream was to fly them someday. When Marcus was young he was obessed with batman and even as a teen, his last movie he saw in the theatre was "The Dark Knight."

Jackson picked out the patriotic balloon. Marcus always had a flag pinned up in his room. His heart was with the military and his country. He was talking to recruiters right before his cancer returned, he was going to find a way to get in and join the Marine Corp band, after his mission of course.

One of the hardest thing to deal with is watching my children grieve, find what this all means, and go on living, when I can't even deal with it all myself.

The best thing I have realized this month is that I really haven't hated the change of season's like I have the last 3 years. I mean I dreaded seeing the leaves change, the smell in the air, all the fall decorations and especially Halloween. Well, I still hate Halloween but it's not a loathing like before. My heart is healing, peace comes more often and I am "getting used" to Marcus' absence, and the pain that comes with it. Of course there are days when the grief takes over, but I take those days because it reminds me of the love I have been so fortunate to have and the promises I have made to make sure we are together again, forever, to never to be apart again.

My Tunes.

2011-09-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

My writing has really taken off. I have kicked off my shoes and dove right in! The Teen/Young Adult genre is where it all started, and where my heart is. I have been searching through Goodreads. What a great place! It is where I have found some great books to read, but also some great Authors who have lead me to their blogs and websites. From there, I find out so much more about writing. A lot of them use music to help them write, so I have tried this little trick and let me tell you.... fell headfirst into my zone! So today I thought I would share a few songs that have me groovin'!

1. I Just Wanna Run by The Downtown Fiction... Ironic, right??

2. Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum

Higher by Taio Cruz

Just some insight on what I MAY be writing about!! HMMM! Have I got your interest yet? Maybe next time I will put some other tunes on here to maybe give a little more hints!

Enjoy!!

2011-09-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, OH YES! It is that time of year... FINALLY!

What can I say? I am a complete sucker for this series! Even though Breaking Dawn was not the best book, the movie MAY be the best Twilight series Movie.

Oh, and here is another picture I found...

OOOO... Bella the Vampire! She is looking pretty scary!

For the trailer of this movie and my "oh so subtle" thoughts about Jacob and Edward check out my other blog... my bloggings about my obession with Young Adult Books!

Check it out Karen's Book Light

2011-09-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

I miss my batman.

Found this from a fellow Childhood Cancer Mom. It hit my heart, my soul. I saw my Marcus in his batman cape, at age 5, jumping off couches, chairs, zooming through our house. I saw him in the grocery store, spreading his cape out as he ran through the isles, using his grand imagination of saving people from bad guys, being the hero by taking on the risks of stepping in to save others.

Stubbornly he fought to keep his mask and cape securely on, didn't want his identity revealed. He had to wear it night and day, no matter where we were going. To his cousins house, to department stores, play groups, and even tried to wear it to church. What a battle it was when I had to put my foot down and demand that church was not a place where batman would have to protect others, that God would do that for him. That calmed him and he understood a little more.

As my batman grew, he outgrew the mask and cape but still loved the idea of an unknown masked man saving others, still secretly wanting to be him.

Cancer found my sweet batman, and he took it on with a mighty fight. I suddenly felt protective of my boy, felt that he needed a side kick to get him through. Who would protect the hero from something fighting him from inside? There weren't many options, but together we fought as best we could. He stood strong and fought so hard, I felt so small, not much of a side kick, more like a cheer squad, until.... The cancer reared its ugly head and took on a last battle using all its weapons. Batman was taken over by the nasty thing that fought him from inside. When I asked him during his final weeks "What do you want the world to know about Marcus?" With a sweet chagrin on his swollen face he replied "I am the Dark Knight, I am Batman". No cape, no mask did he don, he showed his true identity. He wanted the world to know, he was the one who was taking on the bad guy and saving others.

Now he can be the hero, saving others here on earth, while his identity is hidden. I feel him next to me so often, I feel that Wonder Woman outfit, wanting to put it on again, but it is a painful. I feel his encouragement and slowly I am getting back on my feet to help him save the world, well.... at least our family. How proud I am to have batman in my life.

Now... to work on Robin ( Aaron) and the Wonder Twins (Noah and Jackson)! Batman is their sidekick they surely know.

2011-09-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Remember the 80's? Remember doing the Jane Fonda Workout? My mom and I did this every morning during the summer. I was a cheerleader and thought it kept me in good shape in preperation for the school year. I even used part of it as a warm up with my squad. Those were the days! Awww, to be young, skinny, and flexible again! I do remember taking an oath, almost daily back then, that I would NEVER EVER gain weight. I would always workout and keep myself thin.

HA!!! Little did I know what each pregnancy, each child, would do to me physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. When you are an emotional eater such as I, that pretty much is all I have done is eat to make up for the emotional stress that has come from 4 boys! Not to mention the whole "cancer journey" and grief added on a TON of weight as well.

Not sure where my little sister got her genes from, but she doesn't eat when she is distraught. She works out and keeps herself busy, therefore burning more calories. So jealous of that! I get depressed and find some chocolate of any kind, but preferably BLUE BIRD Chocolates that are handmade here in our little Cache Valley. Somehow, nibbling on those oober-rich, soft, sweet morsels and letting each bite melt between my tongue and the roof of my mouth, actually melts away my sorrows. It is quite an experience. Too bad it has such horrible side effects... such as an expanding waistline... I haven't seen mine in quite a few years... sigh.

So back to my main thought... Oh look , something shiny!!... Oh yeah, I was going somewhere with this. Ummm... Oh right! I WENT TO THE GYM TODAY! I also took a nice walk with John yesterday. So hopefully this is my start (again)to getting my life back.

Here is my new motto: "I am either going to die young or kill myself trying not to!"

It's all in the fight! So here we go. Jane Fonda... eat your heart out!!

Ready for September!!

2011-09-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

Team Unite! Order here!

September is here!

2011-08-31T23:57:00.000-07:00

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month - letsCONQUER from St. Baldrick's on Vimeo.

As some, or most of you know, I lost my son to Brain Caner at the age of 17. This month is the time to spread the word, donate, and help find cures for OUR children!! HOPE is all we need!

A Young Man...

2011-08-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

A young man, dealing with the emotional and physical turmoil that cancer can give, drew himself inward and let the sorrow build. Anger and bitterness brewed inside, so much so that he took it all out on his siblings, parents and even on himself. He felt life wasn’t fair and he couldn’t understand why he was given this heavy burden. He felt no one could understand the pain and turmoil that he dealt with daily. The losses of his life-long dreams were crushed because of this illness, he had some handicaps that would follow him for the rest of his life and he knew his life expectancy was short.

His Doctors recommended a special camp for youth with cancer. This young man, when he first heard of the camp, didn’t want to go. His parents pushed the idea and even signed him up without his permission. When the day came for him to go, his father demanded he get in the car. Not happy at all with this, the young man pouted and threatened that he would cause so much trouble, they would send him home.

When they arrived at the camp, the Counselor welcomed him. The young man crossed his arms, hid behind his sunglasses and ball cap and only answered in short, snippy answers. His father was wary to leave him, but the Counselor reassured him he would be ok.

After his father left, the Counselor showed the young man to his tent and introduced him to the others his age. The boys were having a water fight with large medical tubing, with large medical clamps on both ends. The young man gradually began to interact and became an active player in the fight.

As the day progressed, the young man noticed a younger boy sitting off by himself. The young man approached him and introduced himself. The younger boy replied with his name being “Tomas.” The two sat for hours in conversation.

As the week progressed, the young man and Tomas became friends. There were times when Tomas lashed out and couldn’t deal with the scary and daunting treatments ahead of him. The young man was often found with Tomas deep in conversation, or with his arms around Tomas in comfort.

When the young man’s father came to pick him up from camp, he was worried as to what he would find. The counselors gushed about the young man, saying he became the leader and a counselor himself. They explained how the young man made sure all the youth was involved and having a good time. When his father found his son, he found a new person, a man who seemed to have found his role and accepted his fate.

When the young man returned home, he gathered his siblings together and insisted on playing games with them. He told his family how much he missed them and would never take advantage of what he had. He learned the value of each person and that Heavenly Father loves each one of us the same.

Just a few months after this experience, the young man’s cancer worsened. His disabilities increased, but his outlook on life was a good one. He joked with those who came in contact with him, even after he learned his time on earth was nearing its end. Though difficult, he accepted Heavenly Fathers will.

Now he serves our Heavenly Father from the other side of the veil, performing miracles, comforting others who suffer as he did, and giving himself entirely to those in this life and the next. I will never forget the example he set for me.

Love you my son.

Dreaming while "Under the Weather".

2011-08-10T03:09:00.000-07:00

I just had to get up and write this before it was gone. Linda. My sweet friend, my sarcastic buddy is still gone. There were so many things we had been "Planning on doing" which never got done. That lunch date that we put off forever, the dinner outing we were going to do with John and Brad. Those things that we used to do on a regular basis together. Girls night out was always fun. Until life happened well... death happened. After such a loss, I pulled my legs into my chest and held on tight, not wanting to let anyone in on my pain. It was mine and I had to own it, guard it and protect it. I was the one who had to feel it and grieve for my boy. No one else could do it, nor can they now. So up went the walls and my doors slammed shut. Closing off the world around me. I just wanted to be alone, and life drifted by.

Sure, I pretended to function again, go out with the "girls" who called once a month to make sure I got out of my little prison of grief. Linda was always there, not too pushy but not afraid to ask questions on what this kind of grief was like. I liked that. No one really asks those difficult questions, no one would dare, not even I. That just meant she cared enough to 'go there'.

So tonight, while only 1/2 sleeping and 1/2 awake from coughing, being slightly medicated. I had a wild ride of a dream. Sorry the details are not so clear, but I know it meant something.

It felt like I was traveling/flying/ whatever it is that you do in dreams, but I know I was looking over mountains, hills. Not sure where this is but it was beautiful. I felt Linda with me somehow. I knew she wasn't there physically, but she was there. Then I was standing in front of an old building with a worn down carport hanging on to it, I suddendly wanted to leave Linda a message. I had no place to write but I wanted her to know something, or did she want me to know something? I was so confused but I knew I had to write something for her. So I wrote on the patched up, plastered, white wall...and this is what I wrote.. (ready for this big revelation?)

"YOU SOOOO TOTALLY CHEATED!" I laughed.

I was shocked that this, this crazy, sarcastic, phrase is what I wanted to say to her! Like I really think she got off easy by leaving her amazing husband, 4 beautiful children behind? Hardly!! I know she is just beside herself right now, wanting to be a part of those kids lives. To hold her new daughter that she never was able to see, hold, smell or touch. The one she gave her life for! Of course that is it. She gave her life for her little Charlie to come to earth and get her beautiful body and teach everyone around her about pure love. Who else would do that? Linda would.

So now the crazy cycle of life and death continues. Life is so cruel at times, but someday we will completely understand. I know that. For now I am strapping my seatbelt a little tighter. Now go try and get some sleep before the sun comes up.

Writing.

2011-07-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

I broke out my pen again and started on my novel. It feels strange to call it that, but that is exactly what I want it to be. I feel intimidated because I don't have the education background that others have. I only attended 1 year of college, but on every paper I wrote, my professors gave me an A. I think I even recall an A+ and a comment saying "great writing". This was a shock to me considering I barely skated through High School and my dear English teacher didn't like my writing. I know it is only one opinion, but hers was the only one that counted in those days. To this day (25 yrs later) her words still ring clear every time I feel like sharing my writing with anyone. I know I am insecure, and have been all my life. I grew up with learning disabilities, before we even knew there were such a thing. I have always felt dumb, and teased as such. My ACT scores aren't even mentionable. So here I am 40-something and still insecure. Of course my insecurities also stem from having a few English majors in the family. I just can't put myself out there to the critics of all critics. (love you guys!)
One thing that really scares me is that someone might steal my idea. There is one person who seems to have taken off on my idea when they asked me about the premise of my writing. So now I really don't want to share in fear of being betrayed. I know that sounds crazy, but I am writing from deep inside and it would hurt to have someone take advantage of that. There is a part of me that wants to share it because it is something that I have put so much time and energy in, but then the thought of it being slammed or even laughed at scares me. Obviously I am considering it or I wouldn't be writing about it here.
I suppose when the time is right, I will share something.

Lindsay Writes: HUGE Giveaway!! signed copies of books!! Stand Up ...

2011-07-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Writes: HUGE Giveaway!! signed copies of books!! Stand Up ...: "In honor of recent run-ins with Cancer, I am doing a huge giveaway to support the cause!

If you love to read YA books, go to Lindsay's website. She is raising $$ for cancer research, plus you might get some signed books free!! Its for a very worthy cause!

THANKS!

In Memory of Linda Rowbury

2011-07-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

A few short weeks ago, Linda was at work (USU Credit Union), making final preparations for her to go on her Maternity leave. She was looking forward to being at home with all 4 of her children and enjoying her new little one that was scheduled for a C-section soon.
All of that would never happen. One evening after work, she retired to her room because she was feeling really tired. After a nap, she got up when she suddenly collapsed to the floor going into cardiac arrest. Her oldest son Carter heard her fall, ran in and found her on the ground. He ran outside grabbed his Dad who came in , dialed 911 and started CPR when he realized she wasn't breathing. They continued to work on her as they rushed her to the ER. Doctors were able to take the baby and get her on life support. Both Linda and baby were life-flighted to Salt Lake City. 10 hours later, Linda passed away. Baby Charlie Linda is still in ICU, with severe brain damage, but doing OK.
Her husband Brad, is trying to keep life going. Taking care of his 3 children (ages 10, 7, and 3) who are at home and then driving to Salt Lake to be with baby Charlie. My heart breaks for all of them.
Linda worked with John for the last 7 years at the Credit Union where they became friends. Brad and Linda were in our Ward (Church) for years. They worked in the Church Library for a while where Marcus would love to escape from Sunday School to go in and visit with both Brad and Linda. I should say more like tease each other.  For some reason, Marcus named them "the Strawberries". As time went on, we got to know the Strawberries better and spent some fun times together. We started a new tradition of spending New Years Eve at each others house.
When Marcus got sick again, Linda was close by and ready to help. I remember she stayed up 1/2 the night making cinnamon rolls for Marcus because he requested them when she asked what he wanted most. She loved to serve others and always put their needs first.
Linda had the most amazing laugh that was very contagious. Her wit was so unique and sarcasm was her best friend. She had a way of making you feel like you were her favorite. Brad's sense of humor, personality and wit matched hers so well.
After Marcus passed away, Linda and a few others made sure I was getting out and having some fun. But as time went on, I pulled away and our little outings ended. We talked about getting together and doing things, but it never happened. When I found out she was pregnant again, I was almost mad at her. I didn't know why I didn't want this to happen, but my heart could feel that things were going to change. I had no idea what that meant.

What I have learned...

When I learned of Linda's passing, my heart ached again. I felt that familiar pain in my chest, in my heart, the lump in my throat and knot in my stomach.  When I was about to ask God "How much heart-ache can I take? Why am I dealing with so many losses, so much pain, suffering? I just can't take this anymore! Too many funerals of children, loved ones, friends, and neighbors who were too young to die." Then I felt the world shift. I received a message, a Miracle. I looked to my Heavenly Father, and instead of concentrating on MY heart, MY suffering, I gave it to Him. Instead of "why am I always hurting, always being tried, losing so many people I love", Today it became: "How blessed I am to have had these exceptional, beautiful influences in my life. A new warmth came over me, I am so thankful that I was a part of their lives and they mine!!" They each taught me love, courage, strength, and joy. I am thankful to have these experiences because they are now a part of me.
I will never forget Linda, she was such a dear friend. I will continue to pray for Linda, Brad, Carter, Ryen, Jack, and baby Charlie. May they have the peace and comfort of our Lord, and Savior.

Book of Mormon Musical

2011-06-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

A great article in the Washington Post. Click on link:
A Latter-Day Saint view of Book of Mormon Musical

I really didn't think much of this musical when it came out. I thought it was interesting that someone would spend 7 years writing and making fun a religion. Not just any religion, but one that was persecuted in its early years and still has many people trying to bring down its doctrine. I guess it is easier to laugh at someone who is different, than to accept them. Of course many just classify this as entertainment. Just as Michael Otterson, the author of the article, stated, I choose much better entertainment than something that has "over-the-top blasphemous and offensive language."
I feel that if we, as a church, responded to everything that makes us look poorly, that is all we would do. Since the earliest days of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we have had to defend our right to worship, as well as our own lives. So a musical poking fun at our missionaries, our religion, isn't worth making a scene about. We, on the other hand, are taking advantage of this sudden "fame". How many people will now know about Mormons? The Book of Mormon? Missionaries? Whether negative or not, Our nation has been exposed to Mormonism in a big way. One thing that could happen, will happen after seeing this musical or hearing about it by word of mouth, is they will search it. Many will search the teachings, the doctrine out of fascination and curiosity. That is always a good thing. Not that millions will flock to our churches, begging to be baptized, but at least they will have some kind of knowledge of our World. They will see the many good things this church does for millions of people throughout the world. They will know that we are good people, serving God in our way, trying to share the gospel of Jesus Christ. Of course I know there are those that will take the negative and run with it.
So for now, I will not grab a picket sign and protest this musical because one way or another, people will hear about Mormonism. When the time comes that we might lose our right to testify of our Church, and worship freely, THEN I will stand up and protest. I will stand for what I know to be truth.
For now, I will stash this musical with all the other media that I will not see or support because it is not "benevolent, virtuous, good report or praiseworthy".

Living...

2011-06-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

Living, breathing, growing, blooming, are all part of Life. Rain, snow, wind, hail, sunshine, heat, fire, are the elements in which we all obtain the ability to grow and bloom. Those elements can become extreme, and hanging on to breathing and living seems too difficult to do sometimes. Just when those days seem to be fading, another element gets thrown in and all of a sudden the damage of past elements seems to linger and makes the new one seem so much larger and can be just as devastating.
Having a great husband has been such a blessing to me. He has been my rock throughout our 20 years of marriage, my stability, the one who I can hold on to during the hardest days of my life. There are times where I have to back away to stabilize us both. As I stated above, sometimes there are strong elements that come while still recovering from previous ones. That is what this upcoming week brings to myself and my dear husband. Unfortunately, sometimes there is nothing that we can say or do to help each other. We have to separate ourselves (not in a physical sense), find the place where we can hunker down and deal with everything on our own. That seems pretty harsh, you may think, but in reality there are times where space is needed. Trials in our lives come in many different ways, some that others can see and often come to help, but many of them are not obvious and the only way to fight through them are alone, on our knees. Ones personality also affects dealing with life. Some would never let someone else in to protect them from the hurt and pain, or feel like it is something they need to accomplish alone.
Here we are, facing the week of (our son) Marcus' would-be-20th-birthday, with other major developments that could determine a huge change in our lives, again. The stress is tough, and we both deal with things so differently, that space may be a more peaceful place for both of us.
This week will come and go, then we will press forward like we always do, making us stronger. We will grow once again and bloom together because that is what a real, loving, eternal marriage means. Love requires work and this earthly life is a test. My best friend, my husband, and I made sacred covenants in the Holy Temple, under God's authority here on earth, that we would love each other forever. We will conquer all that we face here on earth, with the Lords help, then we will be the people we need to be to love each other eternally. We will live together forever with our extended families and precious boys in the presence of our Heavenly Father. No greater joy will there be for us.

Future Writer!

2011-06-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Tall Tales by Jackson, 3rd Grade, age 9.

Being the youngest in the family, Jackson tends to feel left out, always "too young" to be included with his older brothers, even though height and wieght-wise he is neck and neck with his older brother, Noah (3 years older). Sometimes to get noticed you have to be loud, over dramatic and especially outspoken.
Toward the end of the school year his 3rd grade class wrote their own Tall Tales while studying classic ones in class. Jackson's imagination is not laking in anyway. He has a vivid one and it shows in his personality. He has often written short little stories while sitting in church. For someone who has a hard time focusing (maybe a little adhd) he sure likes to write.
Take time to read his Tall Tale and you will realize that he adds what is going on around him to his imagination. As far as the 1972 date, I have no clue why he chose that year.
I love my Jackson, his love of life and adventure keeps me focused on what is important. Now if only I can find the energy to keep up with him, that would be wonderful!

ME!

2011-05-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

Just thought it would be fun to show some pictures of myself when I was a little girl. Of course in that process, I will humiliate my siblings and parents with some "not-so-stylish" photos!

Here I am with my dear little brother, John. This was my first day of kindergarten... YES! I had a broken arm and not my first broken bone either! I broke my first bone, collarbone.. can't remember which one, when I was just 1 year old. When I was the ripe old age of 2, I broke the other collarbone. I don't remember these events, but I do remember later on in my Kindergarten year tripping and cutting my forehead open on the coffee table. My friend Cheryl Wagner and I were dancing (I know, you can't imagine ME.. DANCING?? OH and I think "dancing" is the reason for broken collarbone #2!) and the coffee table got in my way.

Blood running down into my eyes, my brave mother, who was now getting used to the "green hospital" and Dr. Salas, sat and held me while we waited in the "emergency room". I remember the Dr. speaking English in his strong Spanish accent about how brave I was, while sticking a needle between my eyes to numb the area, then using a curved needle (I watched him through dried bloodied eyes) and sewed my head together again. I remember I didn't fight him, and I didn't cry while he did all of this. It surprises me I remember so much of it, but I was determined NOT to cry. Brave is what I was going to be for good 'ol Doctor Salas who at one time said "She is the champion of broken bones, yes, the CHAMPION". I think that was after I chipped my elbow a few years later.

Family Home Evening was a big part of my childhood. I can't remember the lesson, but I had a scribbled on my crown and Nancy (my sister sitting on the arm of the couch) had a pretty tiara! I bet mine was done REALLY fast compared to the others. (left to right: Brian, John, my DAD, Me and Nancy) I remember my mom being the Den Mother of my brothers Cub Scouts. My Mom told me that I would say "My Mom is the dumb mother of the scrub scouts". I realize now that I cursed myself. I now have 4 boys who all have been cub scouts, and I have been the dumb mother FOR SURE!

What a great picture! I love this because my parents look sooooo young! (left to right: Nancy, Mom, Me on her lap, Dad, John on his lap, and Brian)
I will openly admit that those are MY PANTIES showing! I was NOT a prissy girl, I hated dresses and sitting still for photos was NOT my favorite thing to do. I imagine myself squirming out of my mothers arms to the floor and running off as fast as I could after the camera snapped. John, on the other hand, probably took another nap. Poor John was always having to wait for Mom to take care of me first because I couldn't wait!

Here we are, a little older, and probably not as wise as I should have been. The red around my lips is all chapped because I would sit and lick my lips over and over again until they were sore. My Dad always put the yucky Bistix on my lips that would sting until tears came. My parents now believe that it was probably a food allergy. I think that could have been it, but now that I know I suffer from anxiety and depression, it could have been an allergy to start with then ended up being a nervous habit. I am sure I would have been the poster child for ADHD if they had known about it then. I could never concentrate on anything and it was so frustrating!! John read before me, he would correct my reading while I did my homework from Kindergarten and he was only 4. Of course that didn't change when we got into high school. He could do my chemistry better than I could. I think the only reason I never had to redo a grade was my knowledge that if I did, I would have to be in my little smarty-pants- brothers class with him! UGH! No way!
We did have our moments, John and I, we had the same friends (most of the time) except when I was chasing boys! He tried to blackmail me a few times, but then I discovered a few secrets of his! We were only 20 months apart in age, but sometimes it felt like twins!
All in all, I had a wonderful childhood living in a place so unique. I am thankful for my heritage. Only a few can say that they were born and raised in Mexico, but have no hispanic blood, speaking english and spanish while attending an LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, aka... Mormon) school system. I love the Mexican culture and consider it part of my culture. Someone once told me.. "Gee, I am glad I am not in your shoes, I would be so confused as to what race or culture I belonged to. You are not accepted in the Mexican culture cause you are white, but then you really don't completely fit into the white culture either." This is very true. Even more confusing when I married a catholic- born, east-coast, big city boy who didn't realize what a white, farmer/ranchers daughter, from mexico, LDS grown, small-town, hic-from-the-stix, girl could be like. CRAZY... just plain CRAZY!!

12 Years Old!

2011-04-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

April 28th, 1999 was a day that my prayers were answered. I got my sweet Noah.

Going back to an earlier time, we had spent 2 years trying to concieve another child. In April 1998, we got the news that our waiting was over. We were elated and felt we had been so blessed to finally concieve again. I thought for sure that this one would be the daughter I always dreamed of having. My due date was to be on December 24th, which to me was a definite sign of an angel coming. I felt the Lord tell me how special this child was. I was overwhelmed with emotions.

On May 10th, Mexico's Mothers Day, I went in to full labor and ended up saying good bye to my sweet unknown, but deeply loved baby. I mourned so much for my precious child that I would never hold.

As the summer was ending, I was still sure that the Lord had another one for us. He didn't make us wait long, just 4 months after losing our baby, it was confirmed that we would have baby #4 and the due date would be MAY 10th! The same day I lost my baby! This time I knew this precious child would be the one who was meant for our family. I did not have a preference as to a boy or a girl, (well, not as much as before) but my husband knew from that moment, this was Noah. John continued to call him Noah the entire pregnancy, so by the time my little, tiny, Noah (7 lbs 2 oz, 19 inches long) made his entrance (with a few little bumps along the way) We couldn't call him anything else.

Noah Lynn Russell was born in Sierra Vista, Arizona. We couldnt ask for a better baby! He brought a peace to our home and does to this day. He is the only one who could have been Jackson's big brother, Marcus and Aaron's younger brother, so full of love and kindness. The Lord blessed us with a calm before the storm (Jackson) and a peacemaker in our home. Noah, who still is quite small for his age, dreams of playing for the NBA or the NFL. "Whichever one I feel like playing when I grow up" he says. Noah is my organized child, my artistic child, and a party planner!! When I am having bad days, he is always one to give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me. His laughter brings joy to my heart and soul.

Tomorrow, May 1st 2011, my Noah will be ordained a Deacon in the Aaronic Priesthood. He has chosen to do this, and will be ordained by his Father. He will be able to serve in our Church, by passing the Sacrament (Communion) to the congregation. We are so proud of our Noah, who is growing into a young man.

To top it all off, he just got a certificate for making the Honor Roll!! He worked very hard all year to finally reach this goal in his 3rd quarter!! It was a great accomplishment for him, especially adjusting to middle school!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOAH!!

Joys in life.

2011-03-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that it is 39.9 degrees outside, snowing heavily, and it is March 25th today, I am feeling rather good! Snuggling up on my bed with my favorite quilt, my cat asleep at my feet, and my laptop in hand, I feel GREAT!

Reconnecting with one of my most dearest friends last weekend seemed to heal a place in my heart, let some sunshine in, and brighten my path.

Watching the NCAA basketball tournament with my boys has been a highlight right now since our team, the University of Arizona, is doing so great. Sometimes I think someone is going to crash through our floor to the basement with the way we are all cheering!

A new hair color and style has given me a whole new sense of being. Jenni, my cousin, used her magic on me. A fresh new look gives me a boost of energy, confidence, and overall joy. I know it's just my hair, but for me, it really helps.

My conversation with Jackson on the way home from school today made me laugh out loud.

Me: "Jackson, when you think of others before yourself, you feel good inside. When you continue to do this, others will be more considerate of you"

Jackson: " It will also get girls to be more attracted to you!"

Watching as my son continues to grow up and learn more about becoming a man; his drivers licence, his first interview, his first job, preparing for a mission and for college.

Noah getting ready to turn 12 and receive the Priesthood next month. Watching how he is really growing, physically (FINALY) and emotionally. He will be attending his first week-long scout camp! How did he get here already?

John and I sharing our new way of life brings me the most joy. Changing the way we live is hard for both of us, but doing it together is bringing us together, reconnecting in a way we haven't in a very long time. It's like we are getting to know each other again, finding new strengths, and pulling together to achieve one goal.

The Beauty of Friends.

2011-03-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

The Lord leads us to the people we need in our lives when we need them most. Over the 40-something years I have been on this earth, I have been given some of the best friends. As life goes on and changes take place, we move forward. We have grown from the bond, the love, laughter, joy, sorrow, and experiences from the path that we shared. When our paths part for one reason or another, we carry each other in our hearts and this union we have created still exists.
Arriving on our new path, we join others who share this new journey and we form new bonds, new faces of love, laughter, joy, sorrow, growing from each other.
Every once in a while we find someone who knows us better than we know ourselves, someone who has been with us through the hardest times in our lives, someone whose strength, beauty, and love seem to come from somewhere else. My beliefs are, just as a family is forever, so are these friends. That time, distance, trials, and bumps in the road will never sever the spiritual bond that exists. I am so blessed to have at least 2 in my life. My heart is full today for those women who love so unconditionally, and give me strength. The Lord blesses me in so many ways.

Awakening!

2011-03-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Coming out of a coma only to realize that I don't recognize myself, both physically and definitely not mentally. Sure I have looked in the mirror everyday for my entire life, but the last few years have been with blinders on. Slowly, little by little, I have had little clues that things just aren't OK. My first big hint was when I saw someone who has known me since I was born. I haven't seen her in years, but she would know me instantly. When I went up to hug her, she had no idea who I was. Even after I told her, she was trying to put it all together.
I have seen pictures of myself, knew that I was gaining weight, but I was so involved with Grief that I just did NOT CARE! For years I have not cared what I looked like, not cared if I was healthy or not, NOT CARED whether or not if what I was doing would eventually shorten my life.
One day, the lights came on! A new set of eyes opened and I saw myself. REALLY saw what I had become. THIS is not the person I planned on becoming. THIS is not the place I planned on being. I was in a HOLE.
More importantly, I looked toward my Heavenly Father and felt sorrow. Where is the woman I was working toward? When I was a little girl, THIS is not who imagined, who I dreamed I would be. What have I done and how do I change it?
With support of a loving husband, I am attacking from every angle I know how. We are working together to find ourselves again. To find out what we are made of..

Families Can Be Together Forever

2011-03-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

I learned this song as a child many years ago and has been a favorite. Now this message is what I hold on to daily. It has become a focus in my life. The Lord wants us to be happy in this life, as well as the next. This is why He has promised us eternal life with those we love the most, our families. It is not an automatic given, this Promise he made, there are certain requirements to this. We have to work for it. We have to live as He would have us live. Loving, sharing, caring, serving, living as our Savior did.

I have been in some dark places as of late and I know that light and darkness cannot reside in the same place. I have had many messages given to me stating I need to let the light in and turn toward the future, to the day when I will have all my boys with me again. That means I have a lot of work to do to get there. I have boys to raise, to make sure they will be with me as well, and an amazing husband to take me through it all.
Doctrine and Covenants 14:7 "And if you keep my commnadments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

Just things...

2011-02-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

These are just THINGS, but they pull at my heart while making me smile.

Someone else could just see these and think,"thats just STUFF"

But to me they are all that I have and what I hang on to when I miss him so much

I just can't stand it.

The Helmet that was given to him by pilots from the AFB, which he desperately wanted to try on over his puffy, swollen bald head. Plus the hat that he wore till it was almost rags.

The poster to remember his trip to the golden spike with his Grandparents, his necklace from Hawaii, his dogtags he wore and a flag from a spray from his funeral.

Band pictures that were framed by the Band Parents and signed by the kids, with his MC band hat that he loved to wear.

Oh how he loved his hats. The Arizona hat was one of his cherished ones, and hardly took it off for anything and it shows.

The Patriot Wall; a plaque with a photo of him sitting in an F-16, his flag, and his last suvenior; the poster of the USS ARIZONA from Hawaii

The bookshelf he built with his own hands the last semester of school he could attend, which holds the many books on aviation and his religious books he was studying for his mission.

The monkey he got from a crane machine and a picture of all of us from a while ago.

The movies that he loved (notice the History of Aviation and Planet Earth)

The very few sport pictures of him, the star from Make a Wish, Hot wheels that he collected, his phone case and his good luck Tiki from Hawaii.

The box he made, scout badges, the classical CD's that I still can't listen to, his Marine Corps Stickers, the pilot rubber duck that Aaron bought for him (he had a collection of rubber duckies too), and a book with his pictures from his trip alone to NY to see his Grand-Pop and Ali.

The model planes that he couldn't finish. He insisted he couldn't leave until he finished them.

The bed where he slept, where his brothers play, nap, watch movies and hang out. It's where I go to feel at peace, remember and feel him close around me.

Some may think I am not quite right because I leave his THINGS where he left them. To me and my boys it's where they have always belonged. We can't put away our love for him or pretend he was never here, so we keep his THINGS where we can see them. They have become a part of us now, just like he were here.

Lifes blessings.

2011-01-29T20:56:00.000-08:00

Life is continuing on, and we face new opportunities and experiences. Time gives us a chance to heal, but also gives us chances to make new memories everyday.

Sometimes we are even given chances to do the things that we have dreamed of doing. I know that as a young boy, John (my manly husband) and his little brother, would record themselves on a tape recorder acting out parts as if on a news radio show. John took the part as sports reporter very seriously. One recording exists where Matt turned time over to the sports, John introduced himself saying: "I am John Perry Russell and I'm black". I am sure John was not the first boy to ever want to be black. As a lot of sport-loving boys, they all want to have the gift and skill of sports. Well, John is now living a dream that he wanted to do. (No, I don't mean being black)

At the begining of last fall, John was a regular caller into the local radio show called "Full court press". Eric, a host on the show, neighbor, and also a member of our bishopric, asked him to try out for a spot on the show that was opening up. John took the opportunity, not actually thinking it would work out. After doing a few shows, John was asked to become a permanent voice on Full Court Press. When he approached me with the idea, I could see the sparkle in his eyes. There is no way I could even think about denying him something like this where he could talk about one of his loves in life... sports! Not only that, it is a talent he has.
Now he is working 3 jobs! He still attends City Council and works hard at that as well as his "day job". One thing is for sure, the radio is his way to unwind and enjoy. He is on air almost daily, especially since they asked him to do the Post-game shows after the Utah State University basketball games.
John is the most amazing man I have ever known. He has had so much to deal with, especially since we got married. I just know that he is being blessed for being such an understanding husband and father. He has learned patience dealing with me and my craziness of ups and such low lows. Depression and anxiety has ruled my life so much these last six months, I am amazed he has stood next to me and loved me none the less. He truly is a man with love, patience and understanding.
We joke about ESPN calling and offering a permanent spot, which I am sure he would grab, but in my heart I know he will be happy with what he is given here, a place where we have been blessed so much and have grown solid roots in the ground. I guess all those years ago (when I was 16), driving through this Valley and thinking... I want to raise my children here... wasn't just a coincidence. I felt it then. Cache Valley, Utah, is now our home. Not sure I will ever want to leave!!

Thanksgiving Day, Part II

2010-11-27T00:06:00.000-08:00

After posting my thoughts and deep feelings about this Thanksgiving, I took my family and went over to my dear friend, Julie's, for a scrumptious dinner with all the works. I got to visit with her family, that is almost like my own now. Moving downstairs, the video game "Just Dance" became the big hit of the day. What a blast!! The object was to move to the music the way the figure on the screen was doing, using the wii remote.

Just Dance 2 Wii - Move your Feet - Junior Senior

Uploaded by NygmaticK. - Click for more console and PC gaming videos.

I had forgotten what it was like to get up and dance like that, I truly enjoyed doing what I could. Of course after only 2 LONG dances, ones that I ended up victorious against my boys and "the ladies" in the house, I collapsed. I am thinking this would be a great gift for Santa to bring our family. Not only did the boys enjoy it, I LOVED it. As my councilor advised me to do, I will try something new. Of course today I am FEELING it all over!! My knees are swollen and I ache all over... but we had a great time together as a family and that is something I know we need more of.

After my body had had enough of that, I went over to see my "Other Mother and Sister" Nila and Jenni Partington. As I got into my van and started out my driveway, it all hit. The tears, the pain and the sobs began. Before I knew it, I was at the cemetary, in the dark, the temperature about 5 degrees, in almost a foot of snow, on my hands and knees digging the snow off of his headstone. I found the batman figure and plane burried deep, when I did, I grabbed them and cleaned them off. Still sobbing, I pulled them into my chest. I continued to wipe the snow off of the flowers, off of his windchimes. The pain kept coming and so did the tears and the sobs. I think I was only there about 10 minutes before my sanity started to kick back in. Wiping the snow, the tears and smeared makeup off my face, I tried to decide where I was going to go. If I went home, I would be alone, (boys were still at Julie's) so I tried to put myself together and continued to drive over to Nila's. I knew if anyone, she and Jenni could cheer me up.

The one thing they can do is laugh. Just after a few minutes all 3 of us were laughing and giggling. I am so blessed to have so many friends and family close by. They give me strength, love and courage to get up and go on with life. To enjoy the moments I have now.

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

This has been a memorable Thanksgiving so far. We had a blizzard 2 days ago that left us in the brutal cold. Temperatures last night were –15 degrees and 15 degrees for a high today.

We also have had a visitor in our home. My dear best friend, Julie, has some amazing children; Kyle, Chelsea, Chandra and Bailey. Since we moved here over 6 years ago, our family and her family have become close. We consider them part of the family. Well, Chandra… who just graduated from high school and went off to Snow College this fall, got engaged! The wedding is set for December 28th, 2010! I am excited for her. I was a little worried at first, because of her age, but now that I have gotten to know Taylor a little better, I am very happy for her. Taylor is staying at our house while they are here since they have a rule that no-one’s unmarried significant other can sleep at their house. I am thrilled for them both, and feel like they will do well.

Having these distractions have been good for me. I have had my moments of feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday I even told my co-worker this.. “I just don’t like the Holiday’s anymore”!! Wow! This time of the year has always been my favorite since I can remember. Now it seems like the pain just comes and I just absorb it all.
This morning I was going through some blogs of some friends of mine. I have some friends who have gone through similar life experiences as myself, one of them is Tammy. Her son Nick, passed away from a brain tumor just about a month after I lost Marcus. She also lost a daughter to SIDS years before. I am sure the Lord has given us each other to learn and help each other. Well, at least He has given her to me to help me on these days when I miss Marcus with so much pain. Today on her blog, My Heart his Words , she mentioned all that she was thankful for and reminded me that I have a choice. I have a choice to sit and feel the pain of my loss, or pick myself up and enjoy the day filled with family and friends. I have a choice to bring the spirit of joy and happiness or one of sorrow and pain. Of course I will think of my Marcus and feel his spirit close on this holiday. So I am going to choose to find happiness this Thanksgiving and Thank my Heavenly Father for giving me my precious family. For giving me wonderful friends who have loved and helped me through the hardest times of my life. I am also so thankful for His redeeming Sacrifice so that we will all be together again some day.

Jessica Marie Jensen- My beautiful Niece

2010-10-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

Jessica Marie Jensen passed away on October 4th, 2010 at the age of 22. My sister's (Nancy Taylor Jensen) daughter suffered her entire life fighting to live because of congenital heart defects plus other complications that evolved from that.  Her entire digestive system quit working and struggled for 64 days without food before passing over to the other side.
I am so grateful she is out of pain and now she actually knows what it is like to take in a full deep breath, run, jump, do cartwheels, and just plain feel good, things she never could do on this earth. I am so grateful she was a part of my life. She is the closest example, to me, of what being Christ-like is.  She had a unconditional love for everyone she met.  She was concerned for others and wanted to help them in some way. She spoke of Christ as her best friend, wanted to do his will, and gave unconditionally.  She was an Angel here on earth and continues to be now.  She was an example of what Christ referred to as "be as a little child", believing, trusting and obeying the Lord. She will be exalted to the highest degree of glory for completing her mission here on earth and doing it with such a beautiful spirit, a joy of life, and having complete faith in her Father in Heaven. What more can we ask for, she deserves it all!
Back in August when we first found out that she wasn't eating and that it could be anytime that she could pass, I made a special trip to Arizona to go see her and her amazing family. I hadn't had the chance to see them since the year before Marcus died. I am so grateful that I went. She was so happy to see me, and has been every single time I went to see her in her life. When she heard I was coming, she traced a princess picture of Ariel for me and had been working on it for a while. She was trying to get it colored for me before I left, but she just didn't have the strength to do it. She would get it out, start coloring and nod off after a few minutes, but she was determined to do it. Finally, my last day there, she had most of it done but said she was done working on it for me. I feel so privileged to have one of her last works of art. It will hang in Marcus' room, which has turned into sort of a shrine... OK, it is a shrine.
I have been so comforted knowing that Marcus and Jessica now have each other. Over nineteen years ago, Jessica had one of her surgeries and Marcus was just a few months old. Nancy would come and hold Marcus where she would receive so much comfort from him while Jessica was in ICU fighting for her life. As I remember those days, I look back and think that Marcus and Jessica had a special bond from the beginning. Who would have ever thought that Marcus would die, and especially before Jessica. The Lord had plans for them, ones that we can't completely understand, but Nancy and I feel like we understand them more now than before. Families!! It's all about FAMILIES!! We are connected in this life, but also the afterlife. Our ancestors, our posterity... we are all connected and we all depend on each other. Our memories of them were taken at birth, but return to us in the next life. Those on the "other side" work for us and help us while we are here, they depend on us and we depend on them. I know that Marcus and Jessica will be by my side for the rest of my life. Marcus was there for Jessica to help prepare her to pass over and is there for Jessica as she adjusts to her new environment, just like my cousin, Martin (who passed away 13 years ago from a brain tumor at the age of 17) was there to help Marcus. I have felt my Grandparents, especially my Grandpa Horne helping me as well.
The most difficult part of this whole thing has been the pain that I can sympathize with my sister. Knowing what it feels like to watch your child slowly deteriorate, then leave their mortal body.  We know what it is like to make funeral plans, kiss them goodbye and put their bodies in the ground. There is no other pain like it. Now my sister and I, who have never really seen eye to eye on a lot of things in our lives, share that pain. And now that Marcus and Jessica have each other, Nancy and I have each other. I know that we each have our own pain and sorrows, and every one's pain is different, but we can share the comfort knowing that if anyone can understand, the other can. This, I believe, was part of the Lord's plan.

I will cherish every memory of sweet Jessica. Take good care of her Marcus.... farewell and "till we meet again" Jessica.

My New Laptop!

2010-10-01T16:37:00.001-07:00

As much as I hate to admit it, I had a birthday this month. Over-the-Hill jokes are old news for me. Once I turn 40, anything older than that is just a given and no need to remind myself how many years I have been over the top of the Hill. Of course, I don’t mind the gifts that go along with the birthday, it’s just the number of birthdays that is a bother. This year, We broke down and got a laptop. Our PC is on the fritz and I have wanted something that the kids could not ruin. That means that I have to hide my laptop so that little sticky fingers don’t get all over my keypad.

I decided to try out the fun features of a laptop, including the camera. It’s not a great photo, but here I am in all my glory! I have put on a lot of weight, as I have mentioned in past posts, but here is the proof. At times I am really embarrassed by my weight and other times I just don’t care. Well, I should say… MOST of the time I just don’t care. I am who I am and my life experiences have made me who I am. I wouldn’t trade them because they have taught me so much in my life, but then, It would be nice not to carry it around with me 24/7. I completely agree when some psychologists have said that weight is a actually baggage that we have taken with us through life. All I can say is… I sure have A LOT of baggage!! The last 2 years has added so much more. I am not in any hurry to get rid of this baggage. To me I hang on to it to remind me of what I have been through and not forget Marcus. I think if I do, I might not remember him as often as I do now. That’s crazy, I know, but I am hanging on.

We come to October and my heart sinks. I don’t like October for a few more reasons than the obvious. Now there is more to hate about October. My Niece, Jessica, is slowly withering away to nothing. Her digestive system has shut down now it is only a matter of time before she passes on to the other side. She has gone 61 days without any kind of food. She continues to hang on even though she is so miserable. Marcus is taking good care of her and will help her as she nears her time to pass over. It has been so difficult to watch my Sister, Nancy, go through the similar experience I had. It breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts to turn your child over to the Lord and trust that He knows that this is best for all of us. All of this has brought back so many memories of watching Marcus get ready to pass on. There are things that I remember that I haven’t thought of in over a year. Little things that only he and I shared. I have been amazed that my heart could still hurt so much after 2 years. I am sure that hurt will never completely go away, how can it? A piece of my heart and soul are gone. I do feel at peace with what Marcus is doing, especially for Jessica. I think Jessica has been his main focus since he passed, to prepare her to join him. She is quite stubborn and determined to stay on this earth.

All the torn feelings have come back to me. The sense of not being in the same earthly realm with everyone else. I remember saying it felt like I was on a little cloud floating outside of everyone else, watching them live their lives… running around and doing the daily things that need to be done. Almost like watching life through a glass window. Maybe I was. Maybe that was the Savior carrying me, lifting me up out of the complete darkness, comforting me. I have always wondered about that. Sometimes I can still feel that separation, like some things here on earth are just aren’t important anymore. I know one day I will understand it all. Until then, I will keep leaning on the Lord for support while I try to go on with a broken heart, knowing it will be healed someday.

Today I pray for my sister and her dear daughter who has fought everyday of her life to be here with us. May she have peace, Love and joy as she joins my son in the Spirit World. May Nancy and her precious family feel the Love of Jesus Christ and our Dear Heavenly Father as they go through the heartbreak of separation in this life. I know they are with them now.

Crazy, Mad, CooCoo, Mental....

2010-07-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

No matter which word you preffer, THAT is how I feel today. It has been a while since I felt this kind of MADNESS to this intensity. Having no control on where my mind goes, nor what kinds of emotions surface in the process feels like I have completely lost myself. My brain is an island, covered in a thick fog, wondering what is real and what is not.  I find myself taking in deep breaths as memories of the past come pounding through the fog like they own the place. Some of those are still so painful that I can feel my body tremble, my hands shake as my mind realizes that they are still true, not an imagined part of my life.

I know I am crazy because I am admitting these feelings in a public place, where others can judge, point or just plain agree with me. My thinking is: Might as well put it out there, everyone else probably already knows how wacko I am. At least I am admitting my lack of sanity instead of denying that it exists. Maybe I am hoping that people understand why I am the way I am.

Being in my CRAZY mind at times feels surreal, almost like I am really not present in this body, that doesn't even look like me anymore.  Is that my mind playing tricks on me? My weird mind showing me something I am not? Naw, it's me... well, it is my body that I have created in these few years. Adding over 30 lbs can really do that, you know? But just like the rest of my brain, I just don't care most of the time. NOT GOOD... I tell myself, but that voice isn't strong enough to keep the chocolates, diet cokes and other yummy foods from pilling in my mouth. It just feels too good... (See... I told you I have "lost it").

Off I go to take a nap... read a book or write my book... places that take me away from the CRAZINESS and give me some sort of other world to live in. Reality will come again, and when it does... I will be ready for it.

Eclipse (Spoiler alert)

2010-06-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

Breaking Dawn and Twilight Merchandise

I wasn't going to make this blog just a summary of my obsession with the Twilight series. I know there are many out there who think this whole thing is dumb or stupid... I COMPLETELY agree with you. On the outside looking in, I see a grown woman desperate to be a teenager again and that really needs to "get a life". My my inner self is so thrilled to the core with this whole thing, which makes all my selves think I really need some help!!! My boys, husband, family, friends are secretly AFRAID for me... I just know it. I see it in their eyes, hear it between the lines and my dear sweet John just tells me how WaCkeD out I really am!! So is this going to stop my obsession? Am I going to go to "Twi-hard-fans Anonymous"? NO FREAKING WAY!! Soooooooo on with my opinion of the Movie...

Eclipse is my favorite book of the series, and the movie just confirmed it. Action, Action, LOVE, Action!! Even though I knew everything that was going to happen, I was on the edge of my seat, frozen. I found myself a few times with a piece of popcorn at my lips, still, not making it into my mouth. Now THAT takes a lot to keep food out of my mouth!

Edward/ Robert Patterson... First I have to say, and I am eating a few words, that he has grown on me. His makeup is better for one thing and I think Robert has really settled into his character of Edward. So much more of Edwards personality was shown in this movie, including smiling. So much so, that I felt like he really had a soul and not just someone who looked like he was about to poop his pants. Maybe my heart would like him if Jacobs heart didn't break so many times.

Jacob

Twilight and Eclipse Pictures

The boy after my own heart. I mean, come on, the kid (who is now 18!) rides a dirt bike! OK, so he has a great body and smile... yeah, THAT helps. I like to say.. "I was team Jacob, before team Jacob was cool". Maybe because I am a mom to teenage boys is why I have such soft spot for Jacob. I hate that he gets his heart broken. My review of him in this movie is.... NOT ENOUGH JACOB! The scene after Jacob was injured and Bella came to see him was cut way too short. Leaving out Bella's experience during their kiss was the biggest disappointment. It was my favorite part of the whole series!!! I missed her telling Jacob that she saw their life together... being together at Billies with Charlie and little dark-haired kids running around them. How comfortable she felt how natural it was. UUGGGHH. I felt like the whole point of the story was that if Vampires didn't exist in their world, they would be perfect for each other... no vampires, no wolves, no interference in their lives.

I did LOVE the movie and plan on seeing it again and buying the DVD for my collection. So forgive me if I spoiled anything for you. But it is... MY BLOG, MY THOUGHTS.

There are two sides of every story...

2010-06-01T19:38:00.001-07:00

My New Life

2010-05-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

Stephanie has touched my heart and soul. I have heard of her through friends and news, but to hear her story from her own mouth, grabbed my spirit.... Not because I feel sorry for her, not because of her tragedy, but because of her testimony, her true love for Jesus Christ.

I can relate to her on different levels. I understand the pain of daily tasks... hers is more physical pain, mine is in my heart... I understand how she Mourns the loss of her old self.... I do as well. But she embraces her New self and accepts who she is now. She is thankful for her tragedy and what she has learned from it. I too am thankful for my loss and what I have gained from it, but I have not embraced who I am now.

I long for the days of when I felt complete joy... when I loved every part of being alive. I loved the wind on my face, the grass in between my toes, the rush that comes from giggling so hard that I thought I would burst, the sensation of doing a cartwheel, a jump, a kick... the chills all over that I would get when I danced to a moving beat, every being of my body and soul moved with it... loving someone passionately and the tingles and butterflies that came with every kiss. Now... with every breeze, every walk in the grass, every laugh and giggle, every dance, every time I kiss my husband.... I feel happiness, love and joy but my heart still aches, the pain still shatters, the hole still there to draw in what would make it "complete".

So now it becomes a quest..... "Who am I now?" I am not the person I was, nor was I meant to be. Who is it that God wants my to be? I am still a Mother to 4 boys. I am still a wife to my soul mate, my knight in shining armour, and clearly the most patient man on earth. Most importantly.... I am STILL a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. That is who I am and who I will always be. I need to trust in Him, allow myself to take it day by day... hour by hour... minute by minute. I hear that gradually those loves and passions return. I am counting on that.

Like Stephanie, I feel the same sense of comfort....that everything is where it should be, and that everything is going to be OK.

May is National Brain Tumor/Cancer awareness month!

2010-05-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

This says it all! I love you and miss you Marcus.

Shallow Day -TWILIGHT (what have you done to my wife?)

2010-05-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

I laughed so hard when I saw this video! John doesn't think it's THAT funny. Maybe it's because he can relate to it too much? Can you believe this song is avaliable on itunes?? LOVE IT!

The Little Soul

2010-04-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed.

Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

************************************************************

One Year, 5 months....

2010-03-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

In some ways, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast, then in other ways, it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him, smelled his smell, heard his laugh and voice. I feel like the pressure to "get on with things" or to "get over it" is intense. I am sure people think, "Oh, its been almost a year and 1/2, I am sure she is better now." I know this, because I have thought the same way about others who have gone through things like this before I was faced with it. Yes, I am able to function a little better. I can talk about Marcus, and I do, without crying. But there are still the days where curling up on my bed, pulling the blanket over my head sounds like the only answer. Believe me, there are times that I do.

As far as functioning, well, that is still questionable. I got a job recently and I am enjoying it. I work from 7 am to 3 pm, which is when my kids get home. Perfect, but when I get home, I collapse. I either have to take a nap, or read a book. It is very hard for me to get up and fix dinner. There have been a few days at work that I have had a hard time finishing out the work day, afraid that I may "lose it" right there. I know I have only been working just about 6 week, and I know it will take time for my body to adjust to it, but it has been a good thing for me. I get to focus on something other than myself, my kids, my life and get away from being caught up in my feeling sorry for myself.

There are many more days of laughter and joy in my life. I really enjoy my boys now, more than I thought I would. I appreciate and love every moment that they are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other. They speak more of Marcus, they remember stories of him, they make little jokes about if he were still here, what he would do, they listen to his music. It does my heart good to see my boys healing before my eyes, all on their own, in spite of their Mother. The other day, I got brave and got the video camera out and watched part of the last Christmas with Marcus. He had taped most of it and had his voice as narration. I laughed at the comments he made, and at the gift he wrapped for John, he wrapped it with paper, then wrapped it completely in Duct Tape. It took John over a 1/2 an hour to unwrap it! Then, when I saw him open his first cell phone, a blackberry, that he really wanted, the tears began to fall. Just as that was happening, Jackson walked in. He jumped up by me, hugged me quietly and we watched it together. What a sweet boy.

During the time that Marcus was diagnosed, we signed the other boys up with a group called "SuperSibs". They help the siblings of children who have cancer. After I notified them of Marcus' death they continued to send their occational gifts in the mail. A month ago, I got an email from SuperSibs explaining that they never recieved the email I had sent of Marcus' passing until recently. Their computer system was messed up. So they sent the books and diaries to help siblings deal with their loss. Jackson immediate began to fill out the diary of his feelings of Marcus and wrote a sweet letter to Marcus. He was so excited to work on this book. What a beautiful example he has been to me. I have been blessed with such beautiful children. All of them are so wonderful and have taught me so much. I know I would be lost without their influence in my life. Even Marcus still is a big influence on me still.

Jackson turns Eight!

2010-03-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

So hard to believe that my baby is now 8 yrs old. January 15th, was the big day, but had his party with a couple of friends and Noah at the local Bowling alley a few days later. Jackson is such a character and insisted on a "fo-hawk" hairdo just like Marcus used to have.

Jace, Noah, Jacob and Jackson who looks like PeeWee Herman in this picture!

On January 3oth, 2010, Jackson was Baptized. When I asked him why he wanted to be baptized, his answer was... "So I can get new Scriptures".
It was a beautiful day. We felt the Spirit so strong and knew that he had made the right decision.
We are so proud of our Jackson!!

It has been a while..

2010-03-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

Since I have posted or updated anything of our crazy life. All I can say is... we are so tired of funerals!! The last month has been a little too much of death for our own sanity.

First, a friend of Aaron's, age 15, took his own life just a few days before Valentines day. Aaron wasn't really close to him, but they had known each other since 6th grade and "hung out" at school on and off since then. Aaron hadn't really talked to him since last summer, but it still was such a huge shock to him. He has been struggling with it ever since. I was sick the day of the funeral, but John took Aaron. What do you say when your son fought to keep himself alive, then face a CHILD that had no will to live? What can I say to Aaron? Losing his brother to cancer, then losing a friend to something that cannot be explained. We don't know what was in his mind that day, plus we cannot judge. I know our God is a merciful God. How can a child be completely responsible for a decision like that? How do I comfort MY child and heal his broken heart.. again? Aaron is such a tender-hearted person, he has been fighting depression and anxiety since Marcus' death and now it has taken on a whole new dimention. We will be going to the Dr. this week to help with this.

The next week, my Grandmother, Alice Nita Taylor passed away at the age of 92. It was her time to go and she was in a "home". It was such a blessing that she left. She has lived 44 years without her husband, and had lost a baby that she was reunited with. It was more of a bitter-sweet time, but after already dealing with Aaron's friend, and with Marcus' death still fresh, a funeral was still hard to deal with. My saving grace was seeing so much family and friends I hadn't seen in years! I focused on them and we remembered so many fun times and memories of Grandma T.

Amoungst the whole crazy times of death and funerals, I started a new job!! I am now working for a company who builds scientific sensors. It is a very small company where there are only 3 of us soldering and building these sensors. I am really enjoying it and has been a good thing for me to get out of the house. I can plug my ipod into my ears, sit down and do my work. Not having to deal with the stresses of "the public" is my kind of work. The people there have been great and work around my kids schedule. What a blessing! Oh and the paycheck is so nice to have!!

Crazy Ideas!

2010-01-14T20:49:00.000-08:00

I really wasn't going to post about this, but not sure what else to do with it. I guess I could just throw it in the wind and see how much of it blows back in my face!

I have had these crazy ideas, well more like STRONG desires or yearnings to try something I have NEVER really done in my life, nor has it EVER been a thought in my brain... EVER! So for those of you who have known me forever, know this is true. I can't explain it, I don't know where it came from, but I am compelled to WRITE! Not just blogging, not just journaling, a whole flippin' NOVEL!! ??????? I am at a loss. Yesterday I wrote for hours (almost 20 pages) by hand in a journal. I have almost 60 pages written by hand. Now, those of you who know me, know my knowledge of Grammar, Literature, really and truly SUCK!! I really don't want to say what I am writing about because I think it's sorta lame. I imagine it would be something for teens or younger because that's what I know.

I guess I am just throwing this out there and see what people think. Is this something that everyone goes through? Am I so desperate to focus on a fantasy world that I am creating my own? Any psychiatrists reading my blog? Maybe you can expand on these weird feelings! Sometimes I am writing so long, I can't put my pen down!! Where is all this coming from? I honestly do not like grammar, english per say. I never thought my writting was that great, of course I only went to 1 year of college and didn't take one english class. So.... anybody out there willing to share their opinion, ideas, or thoughts about this? Please tell me... what am I supposed to do with this??

After the First Year

2010-01-11T14:23:00.000-08:00

After the First Year
by Liz Ford, Madison WI, The Compassionate Friends

After the first year,
the pain changes from a crushing weight
to a wickedly cutting edge.
Time speeds up from grinding plodding
to a more normal routine.
And sometimes you can forget (for a moment)
that your whole life was destroyed
just last year.

After the first year
you start to remember the good times
and you can tell a funny story about your child,
and save the crying for later.
But sometimes it seems like you're the only one left who mourns.
"What's the matter with you, anyway?"
"Its been a whole year."

After the first year,
your child seems a little closer
and yet still so far away.
Miracle of miracles, you haven't forgotten
how he walks, his voice, the shape of his head,
or the solid warmth of his fingers curving around yours.
Those memories ambush you at many unlikely moments
and tear you apart.

After the first year,
your heart begins to thaw.
You remember that you once loved your surviving children,
and you love them again.
You remember that life used to hold joy,
and you rediscover some small enjoyment in living.

After the first year,
you pick up your burdens and go on.
Amazingly you have survived a blow
more painful than anything you ever imagined.
Even though you wish you could have died too,
its slowly dawns on you that you must still live...
because after the first year comes the second year.

Merry Christmas!

2010-01-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

Christmas card pictures were a last minute thing this year. We finally just took the boys out in the back yard and had them smile as warm as they could, since it was pretty cold that day.
It certainly was strange taking these pictures. It just didn't feel complete. There is just some sort of emptiness I feel in these pictures, and to others, they too have felt the same thing. My Mom even mentioned that opening her Christmas Card it was just a shock. Obviously she knew Marcus couldn't or wouldn't be in the picture, but she still felt the jolt of reality of it all over again.

This Holiday Season was definitely easier than last year, even though we all had our moments of grief and pain. We weren't able to go out and build our snowman because the snow was frozen so hard, we couldn't work with it. But we were able to go over to my brother, Brian's home for Christmas Eve. It was the first time in 2 years that we made it over there. We had a great time and experienced a little more joy.

Aaron performed in the Christmas Fantasy again this year, which is a concert/program for children about Christmas. All the Band members had to dress up as toys. Aaron had the great idea of going as a toy pilot and I decided that he could probably wear Marcus' pilot suit for it. Well, I think Marcus had other plans. For those of you who really know Marcus, he was very possessive of his THINGS. Especially when it came to sharing with his brothers.
Well, when it was time to get ready for the show, I couldn't find his uniform anywhere. I looked for 3 hours in every corner I could think of. I became very discouraged and upset. We had the suit out for his viewing and funeral, then I swore I put it in the box with all his clothing in it, but it wasn't in there! I went through that box 3 times and didn't find it. Aaron began laughing and said, "Mom, you know Marcus had something to do with this". We both started laughing because this was something he had done his whole life. Anything to not have to share with his brothers. Just as I had predicted, I found his flight suit, a week later while I was cleaning his room. I found a little suitcase that he used to keep his stuffed animals in, then it hit me that's where it was. Sure enough, there it was! I vaguely remember putting it in there, but I must have been seriously mentally out of it to do that. That is the last place I would have put it! So we can't help but laugh, thinking Marcus got his way again.

We have set a few goals for the new year. As a family we are going to try and memorize all 12 Articles of Faith. We also want to start some kind of memorial fund in Marcus' memory to help the Marching Band that he loved so much.
We enjoyed ringing in 2010 with our good friends, Julie and Gary Earl which ended up being a last minute plan. We truly cherish them and their entire family feels like our extended family.

I hope and pray that 2010 is a good year for all of us, and that we all will continue to feel the comfort and joy we need to forge ahead in our life here on earth.

Another Spoof!

2009-12-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

Taylor Lautner who plays Jacob in the Twilight series, hosted Saturday Night Live last saturday. I enjoyed a few things, but this clip was my favorite. Sometime I feel like I am that age, and that I need to be a grown up, but I guess its ok to be a little nutty about something, every once in a while!

New Moon...

2009-11-26T19:11:00.000-08:00

Dealing with life and everything that it has given me, there is a place where I can get away and not think about the "real world". Ever since Marcus' cancer recurred, I dove into the Twilight books with all my heart so I could get away from the heart ache that I was facing. ME!! The person who NEVER read a book longer than 200 pages in my life!! I read 4 books, back to back. It was so strange for me to do something like READING, but to read about Vampires, and werewolves was even crazier! Life in the Twilight fantasy world got me through the worst year of my life! Even now when there are times when I can't handle the pain, I get out these books and they make me smile. So if there were some way I could Thank Stephenie Meyer, I would! She kept me somewhat sane.
The movie Twilight came out in November of 2008, and it was, to me, very disapointing! I really didn't think that the story was even told! I feel bad that it was such a bomb in my eyes and was afraid that if they didn't do something different, I would not see New Moon. Edward to me, could have been better cast! He looks so pained all the time and I feel like he has no personality in the first movie.

Redeaming itself. That's how I felt when I saw the trailers to New Moon. It was painful to wait for the movie to come out... not even sure why. I have NEVER been so crazy about anything in my life! LOVED IT!! Wow... The graphics of Jacob changing into a wolf made the whole movie! I have always loved Jacob in the books, but Taylor Lautner really brought him to life. Still disturbed by the actor who plays Edward (I don't even know his name, stubborn... aren't I?) with way too much lipstick and looking like he needs to go to the bathroom when he kisses Bella... (I know, I have issues), this movie exceeded my expectations!!
So I have to confess... I have fallen in love with a dumb series that involves Vampires and Werewolves... haha. It must be a mid-life crisis thing... or maybe just a "life crisis" thing that keeps me from really falling in with the CRAZIES! Well... maybe it's because I can relate a little to Bella's situation? Maybe we all can? Choosing what is best for us versus choosing what we want and desire can bring us a lot of heartache and turmoil.

One more thing... is it wrong for a woman in her 40's to have a photo of Jacob (a minor), shirtless, on the background of her phone? Have I completely lost my mind?? John and my 15-yr-old (I won't mention his name to save him from shame) think I need to be in a padded room for a while... Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

"You Belong With Me" (Jacob Black Remix!)

2009-11-26T18:58:00.001-08:00

Here is a great song re-mixed for "jacob" from the Twilight series. I love it. Here are the Lyrics:

LYRICS (by Matt Sullivan)
You're in the woods with your vampire Edward Cullen
He’s always whining and complaining, he's so sullen
He doesn’t get you’re human like I do

I'm at the gym, it's a typical Tuesday night
Lifting the kind of weights he doesn't like
And he'll never know your family like I do

But he sparkles, and I'm so hairy
He's so sexy and I'm so scary
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Hangin' out in Forks, while he's in Italy
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Howling at the moon thinkin' to myself
Hey, isn't Ed sleazy?

And you've got a beauty that could light up this whole town
Haven't seen it since he brought those biters around
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a sucker so wack?

He's so pale, I'm so tan
He's kinda bitchy and I'm all man
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you
I’m down on all fours, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Marching Band 2009.

2009-11-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

The 2009 Marching Band season is now over with. This is the 5th year and the second child to be involved with the Mountain Crest High School Marching Band. "Ivasion" was the theme this year which was music taken from the movie 300. The story of the show is a war between the brass and the woodwinds, which made it very interesting because the brass start out on one side of the field and the woodwinds on the other.
The Band earned 2nd and 3rd places this year, beating a band that had 100 more kids than their band. They went to Bands of America Regional competition in St. George Utah and came in 3rd in their division, 1st in state in their division, and made finals!!! In the finals they came in 6th place overall.. out of 21 bands!!

Aaron played the baritone this year and seems to be really good at it. Who knew? He decided to stick with it for concert band as well. I am excited to see how he does with the concert baritone. There aren't too many of them, since all the trombone players play the baritone in Marching band. I think there will only be 3 baritones. I think he is excited to play Marcus' baritone. My dad fixed it while he was here so the keys didn't stick anymore. I heard Aaron practicing it the other day and had to re-evaluate in my mind who it was.

Aaron has been doing so well in school and band. He seems to have grown up a lot and now has some goals for the future. He is studying chemistry and loves it, not to mention his geometry has been pretty easy for him so far. He took on taking German, and he is really struggling with it. Of course I tried to convince him to take spanish where I could probably help him, but he had to be different and take German. (where are the Schills when we need them?.. haha)

I am very proud of Aaron and the person he is becoming. I think I was right when I was saying... "come on 15" less than a year ago. Both Aaron and Marcus seemed to really find out who they were when they turned 15. Of course all the problems don't go away, but they seem to snap out of the "what the heck is going on with me?" stage that they had been in since like 12. Of course Noah will be turning 11 soon, so I am sure it will start all over again with him.

Learning to appreciate each child's personality is quite a journey. They change in so many ways as they grow up, but there are so many characteristics that are there when they are born, that just become stronger. I remember seeing each one of my children's faces for the first time and a wave of recognition came over me. I immediately knew their personalities, and could feel the potential of their spirit. What a blessing it is to be a mother. I just don't know how anyone could not believe that their is a God after experiencing birth, or looking into your own child's eyes and seeing so much faith, knowledge and immediate recognition of them from our pre-existence.

For those who have not experienced it yet, or may not be able to in this life, I know that one day your heart will experience children with so much joy that will surpass the extent of the pain in your heart today. My heart goes out to you, and pray that you may have comfort and faith.

Not sure where all that came from, but it came out so I must have needed to say it.

October 26, 2009

2009-11-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

This is what we woke up to the morning of October 26th. It was a beautiful sight to open the door and see that we had been "heart-attacked" by someone who wanted to remain anonymous.. Whoever you are, we really love and appreciate you very much. It is so nice to know that people are still thinking of us.

Yes, October 26th 2009, was the one year "Anniversary" of Marcus' death. We didn't plan a whole lot that day. John took the day off, I ended up picking Aaron up from school cause he didn't feel well.

John and I went to breakfast and did some window shopping together. We had some nice time alone together.

That evening our family, Katie, Emma, Ellie, Julie, Gary and Kyle came with us out to the cemetery. We each wrote a note to Marcus and tied it to our balloon. All at one time we released the balloons.

In the last year, I feel like I am having more and more happy times. I feel more at peace, but yet there are those days where nothing can take away the pain, I spend the day in my jammies and not able to really function..... BUT those are getting to be fewer.

Jackson and Noah were wrestling around out on the open area when Aaron joined in on them. Kyle thought that was an unfair fight, so he grabbed Aaron and took him down. They had some fun doing what we call "male bonding" in our house. It seems to be the thing to do when we go out to the cemetery. Of course when Marcus was around, he was usually theinstigator of it all.

I am so glad that my boys are comfortable going there and able to feel at peace.

Here is the weathervane we got for Marcus. Every pilot needs a weathervane!!

Bitter-Sweet Week.

2009-10-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 whole years!! Elder Kyle Nielsen is coming home on the 21st of October. He is serving in the Detroit, Michigan Mission and has completed his 2 years in the mission field. His Mother, Julie, is a very near and dear friend of mine. She is my neighbor and her children feel so much like a part of mine. I am so excited to see Kyle, it's almost like a part of my own family is coming home. I am so proud of Kyle. He has always been such a wonderful person, full of kindness and love. Not to mention his great sense of humor and his dedication.
Kyle means so much to me in so many ways, but he is the one who was such a great influence on not just all of our family, but especially Marcus. He is the one who befriended Marcus when we first moved here, he went out of his way to make sure Marcus felt at home, but the thing that really brought them together was the Baritone! Marcus had already been playing it for a few years and when Kyle heard that, he invited Marcus over to play with him. Next thing I know, Marcus is all about MARCHING BAND! OH and can't forget the nights and nights of basketball in our backyard, with all the neighborhood boys.
One time in particular... Kyle, Kevin R. and Marcus were shooting some hoops in the back yard. We had a huge bush right off the court (well, it was really taking up a lot of the corner). Marcus tended to get pretty physical when he played. Anyway, so Marcus (5'4 at the time) decided to shove Kyle (6'7") into the bush... when he did, Marcus took off running as fast as he could all the way down the street, knowing that Kyle couldn't catch him. So Kyle took a break sitting by the door to the house, saying... He has to come home sometime. Sure enough, when he did, Kyle got him and gave him pleanty of pink-bellies. It did my heart good to see Marcus have a good friend, which he hadn't ever really had before. Kyle was like a big brother to Marcus.
It was strange, when Kyle left on his mission, Marcus locked himself in his room and wouldn't go tell Kyle goodbye. It was just too hard on him. In all the years we have moved around, I have never seen him act like that. Marcus had just finished his last treatment and was doing really well, but I think deep down Marcus knew they would never see each other again and that it was just too painful.
When we ended treatments, Kyle sent a tape to Marcus. I was so glad that he did that and I wish Marcus could have done the same. He just couldn't do it. The tape was such a beautiful thing to do and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It made Marcus laugh and smile. We played it for him again a few times while he was in a coma before he died.
This upcoming week will be Marcus' one year anniversay, so it will be such a bitter sweet one. I know that one day I will have my reunion with Marcus, it's just a longer mission he is on.

WELCOME HOME ELDER NIELSEN!!!

October 2

2009-10-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

October 2, 2006 is the day that we found Marcus' brain tumor. Hard to believe that it has been 3 years since we heard those words... You have a tumor in your brain... I remember being light headed, looking at this face of his, and knowing that this would be what took him from me.

I always knew I would lose a child, ever since he was born, actually before he was born, I knew I would have to give one of my children back. I never expected it to be him, but when I heard the doctor say those words, I said to myself.... "Its YOU!" It was so surreal.... like I was 1/2 in my body and 1/2 in a different place. I felt an overwhelming sense of being lost, like someone had to guide me through it.

The worst part was coming home, telling the boys... especially Aaron, then having to LEAVE them. I ached for them to be with us, to hold each of them in my arms. I knew Aaron would be wide awake, struggling with what just had hit him and no where to turn to. To this day, it breaks my heart knowing I had to leave him alone to deal with all of this.

This picture of Marcus was taken 2 weeks before his diagnosis. I look at this picture and see such a little boy in his eyes. I see such a healthy young boy who seems so innocent to life and has no idea what is about to happen.

Aaron and I went out to the cemetary today (Aaron doesn't like to go out there very often)When he goes, it seems like he talks more and more about Marcus. We talked about that day, 3 years ago and what it was like for each of us. Aaron joked about how much fun it would be to run through the cemetery on Halloween at midnight with his friends. He said... "I can just see Marcus sitting on his headstone waiting to scare us all to death and laughing his head off"... I had to giggle cause I could see him doing that. Aaron said when he told his friends that, a couple of girls were saying... "thats not very funny, Aaron"... like he was being disrespectful. But then Aaron said... "like you can't see him doing that". They all began to laugh and say, yeah.. you are right. I love the fact that he is thinking about Marcus and talking about him. A lot of Aaron's friends were friends with Marcus first, so he feels comfortable around them.

Today was just another "anniversary" in October. So many others follow that are so difficult to think about. I am just glad we don't have to go through it again, even though I would love to have a "Marcus hug" about right now. It is difficult with today's date... knowing what 3 yrs ago brought, but even harder thinking about a year ago... it just hurts... I HATE OCTOBER!!!

I miss my Sisters!!

2009-09-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

Sisters

November, 2007

Alice, Karen and Nancy

I was just thinking that it has been almost 2 whole years since I have seen Nancy, my sister! She and her family weren't able to come to Marcus' funeral because of Jessica being in pretty poor conditions at the time.

So we are planning a trip to Tucson, Az. in November to visit everyone down south. My brother Stuart, both of my sisters, John's brother and his Mother live in Arizona. I am really looking forward to this trip. It seems like forever since we went on a family trip, even just leaving the valley!

Consider the Lilies

2009-09-30T00:09:00.001-07:00

I know this is an Easter song, but Sunday I heard it on the radio and a stream of memories came back to me. I never really paid attention to the words to this song until the other day.

The weird thing is, that a few years ago, Marcus and I were in the Ward (church) chior. This was one song we were going to sing. We hadn't had a chance to really practice it, so we took the music home to go over it. Marcus was eager to practice it with me, even though he could pick it out on the piano himself. So I have the wonderful memories of him and I sitting by our tiny little keyboard, singing this beautiful song, not really understanding how powerful the words were. Like the Lord was telling US that he was with us, that we need to have faith, and he will take care of us both. Now I will always cherish this song...

Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow! How they grow!
Consider the birds of the sky,
How they fly! How they fly!

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads,
Though the path may wind across the mountains
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this Earth,
The pains of all of them, He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

LDS Church Leaders preparing us for the 2nd Coming of Christ

2009-09-22T09:42:00.001-07:00

I know that this is true. We are being tried and tested to strengthen us so that we can fight off evil, to prepare the day of the Lord's Second Coming.

Another Testament of Christ Slideshow

2009-09-22T09:14:00.001-07:00

Amazing, beautiful, peaceful, and of course full of hope for all of us.

My Eternal Family

2009-09-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

One year ago, we took our last family pictures. I love going back and looking at all the beautiful faces of my children, knowing that we will be back together like this someday. These pictures are taken in front of the Logan, LDS Temple. We believe that if we are married or sealed together there, that we will be together in the next life to come, FOREVER. That's what makes these pictures even more special. It is a constant reminder in our home as we look at our family, we see the Temple. What a blessing of peace.

Fall is coming whether or not I like it. I have been trying to come to peace with the changing of the seasons. I even went out looking for something decrative to put up to celebrate the changes, but it still just brings back all the tension and feelings I had a year ago as I had to prepare myself, my children and especially Marcus, for what was to come.

Now, John is a home teacher to an older couple in our ward, and she was just diagnosed with cancer and sent home on hospice. They only give her about a month, so of course, it breaks my heart. I hope and pray that they can have the peace from God that we felt back then. Life is unpredictable, and you never know when or what the Lord has planned for us.

Writing....

2009-09-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Late last night, after reading for a while, trying to get sleep to come, I got up to turn off the light. As I did, my emotions took over and I had no place to go with them. I have been keeping a journal for the last 10 months, so I grabbed it and started scribbling out what was on my mind. It felt so good to put these feelings SOMEWHERE! I have also noticed that my speech is fairly slow, and I have a hard time putting words to my feelings when I am talking. It drives John nuts when I try to tell him something because I pause a lot trying to find the words. Last night I grabbed my pen and the words just came flowing out. Maybe my journal can be a place where I can put words to what I feel. It also allows me to refocus on where I am and what I am going to do with these feelings... why I am going through this and what it is I am supposed to learn.

I really debated if I should share this or not.... it's very personal, but yet it is something I want to SCREAM to the world! I also want others that are feeling this way to know that its OK. Who can we say what is right and wrong to what we are feeling. So here it goes......

I could never imagine that death could feel this way.
I keep reminding myself.. "I am a Mother who has lost a child to DEATH!
I am the Mother of the Boy who died from Cancer.
My SON... MY CHILD, whom I gave birth to and was my first child....... DIED!!
My FIRST child who taught me what Motherhood felt like, who showed me what pure unconditional love really was.
He was the first one to call me "Mom" and reach for ME when he was upset.
He was the first to have my heart, to have me to himself... just him and I
He was the first to show me what absolute pure joy was every time he accomplished something that he worked so hard for.
He was the first to show me what forgiveness was, what a giggle and a wrinkled nose could do to my soul.
He was the first to tear me apart when he started to grow and an attitude grew with him.
He was the first to show me how God must feel about ME!
He was the one who taught me about true sacrifice and suffering. The first to break my heart into a million pieces as I watched him silently take on the burdens and pains that life had dealt him.
I remember thinking ... How do I teach my child to die? What can I tell him about faith and trusting in the Lord's plan? What if I do not have that kind of faith myself? Can I really look him in the eyes and PROMISE him "It will be worth it" when he looks at me and asks "why, Mom?"
He so willfully accepted what the Lord had planned for him.
He showed me how to have faith beyond comprehension. Surely he was too faithful to stay here.
My SON is the one who taught me and teaches me still. The pain I feel now will heal when I can wrap my arms around him again.....but for now I take on the burdens and pains that life has dealt ME, with my Son as my exemplar. He, from the other side of the veil, guides me with his love and beautiful spirit to the path that will take me to him, where we can live together, forever.

And now I ask the question.....

"Was my son really the child?"

First day of school ...2009

2009-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

Jackson, age 7, 2nd grade

First day of school on August 20, 2009! I was so ready for school to start up again!! I really am happy to have a schedule again, for kids to be "NOT BORED" and get them busy!! They really are so much happier when they are going to school and learning. Being with their friends is always a big plus too.
This morning while I was taking pictures, Jackson kept crossing his eyes and saying.. "hurry Mom and take the picture, my eyes hurt!" Crazy kid! It's a miracle I got him in a picture with them somewhat straight! He is the one who lights up a room and lifts our spirits on a daily basis.
I couldn't imagine my life without him, Noah and Aaron.

Both Noah and Jackson wanted their pictures taken with their bikes this morning, even though I didn't let them ride them to school today. Not sure I can trust Jackson to ride all that way, he sure likes to live on the "edge", so to speak, and staying out of the middle of the road is a big problem for him.

Noah, age 10, 5th grade

My Noah, so grown up and ready to take on 5th grade. This will be his last year at Providence Elementary. He still is so small! I bought him size 8 pants AGAIN this year! I thought he was growing, but maybe he is just going to save it all until he is 12 and grow 6 to 8 inches then. His brothers did that, but Noah has always been small. But he's a cool dude and is ready for football to start up again.... NO, I still won't let him play yet, he only weighs 70 lbs! He loves the Titans and is ready to start cheering for his team!

It all started this week...

2009-08-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

One year ago....... Hawaii.... The news of another tumor and really not knowing how bad it really was. That day has been going through my mind today and yesterday.
I remember looking at his face and getting this feeling of relief that we knew what we were facing, but yet I KNEW this was it. This would be the time I would lose him, I knew it with every fiber of my being. I just had no clue of how much time I would have, until we were in the hospital in Salt Lake. The Brain surgeon looked at the picture they had given me in Hawaii of his MRI. His face went blank and told me that what they had told me was swelling, was his major concern. After another MRI, the news was devastating, I knew it was time for him to go.
I really can't believe that I lived through that! I can't believe that it has been a whole year! Seems like yesterday in so many ways, but yet it seems like forever since my boy was here. I miss him everyday, but I am blessed to have his Spirit with me.
A woman I met told me that I have been given the blessing of "God's Valium". God's way of letting me be immune to what is going on to keep me sane. I think it's like the poem of "Footprints in the Sand" and that is when HE carries me. How else could I go on everyday? I still have to feel the pain every once in a while, but I know that I am being watched over.

Marcus had a card given to him in church that he carried with him its called "My Mission Commission". Since his death, I have found this card lying around in many different places thinking that the kids must be getting into it. I have put it away in my scriptures, John has put it away in his scriptures, and we have put it up where the kids can't get it. Day before yesterday I was having a hard day, and I found this card on the floor again, right in front of me. I sighed thinking that the boys had gotten it somehow. Then I read it, I mean really read it this time...

My Mission Commission

I am called of God. My authority is above that of the Kings of the Earth. By revelation, I have been selected as a personal representative of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Master and He has chosen me to represent Him. To stand in His place, to say and do what He himself would say and do if He personally were ministering to the very people to whom He has sent me. My voice is His voice and my acts are His acts. My words are his words, and my doctrine is His doctrine. My commission is to do what he wants done, to say what He wants said, to be a living modern witness in word and deed of the divinity of His great and marvelous latter - day work. How great is my calling !

- Elder Bruce R. McConkie

Then I KNEW that my son, MY MARCUS was telling me and reminding me that his calling is far greater than I realize! He is doing work that only he can do and he is happy serving HIM! What a powerful reminder that Marcus is doing great things and that he would only do what the Lord wanted him to do, go anywhere the Lord wanted him to go. I feel incredibly selfish!! Of course I am still human and miss him beyond words, but I feel selfish to want him here when he is going on and doing so much good for ME and all of us who knew him on earth!
Thank you Marcus for giving me the reminder I needed!! Oh how I love you and am so proud of you, even though my heart and soul aches to be with you again.

Male Angel Picture.

2009-08-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

I found this flair on Facebook and I just fell in love with it! It reminds me so much of my Marcus... My heart just melts when I see it.... Its just beautiful to me. I would love to find a print of this, but not sure where to look. If anyone has seen it somewhere, please let me know... I think it is amazing!!!

Marching Band Camp...

2009-08-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Aaron playing the baritone!

This is the first year I was able to go to Band Camp at Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. I knew it would be stressful, but I felt it would be good for me to go and help these wonderful kids, and it was. I am still trying to catch up on my sleep and I am completely wiped out, but it was worth it to see Aaron and what he goes through that week. It is INTENSE!!
They start out the day around 7:00, eating breakfast then they are out running laps, doing push ups and sit ups. They do hours of drills, working on marching skills ( you would think it was simple, but it involves many different steps that have to be exact) They have sectionals with their sections working on the music and sets. Then they work until 9:00 p.m. out on the football field putting it all together. The part that amazed me is that when they were out on the field as a whole, the Director would say to go to a certain set and they would run to the spot they were supposed to and know exactly what notes to play without music or cheat sheets!!
Luckily this year we were able to have the whole show before camp and they had 3 of the 4 movements learned before they left camp. Of course they have to work on those to fine tune them, but they are further ahead than they have been in the past. It is a more difficult show, but its amazing!

Girls from the talent show they had one night. It was a lot of fun to see their personalites come through.

It rained hard one day and when Mr. P sent them inside, they decided to play in the rain. Yeah, he wasn't too happy about it, so next time they will stay and practice in the rain...oh well.

My Shoes.

2009-07-27T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has(had)a child with cancer.
~Author Unknown

I got this from a friend.... It seems to fit.

My last month.

2009-07-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

Getting through Marcus' birthday was part of my being absent the last month, but also back on May 11th, I had a little accident with my friends motor scooter. I think I posted in my little ranting not too long ago. Come to find out, my ACL was torn on my left knee and we finally decided on surgery.

On June 16th, 2 days after Marcus' Birthday, I had knee surgery to replace my ACL and to cut out part of my miniscus. Don't mind my beautiful photography of my leg, but I had to document it all somehow. It was hard for me to sit in a chair for any length of time, and so blogging wasn't what I could do. I still have to keep my leg moving so it doesn't get stiff.

I am still going to physical therapy twice a week, but I am 3 1/2 weeks out of surgery and doing ok. The Doctors think I am healing very quickly and I am progressing with my range of motion faster than normal. Of course it still isn't fast enough for me, but I guess I don't have a choice in the matter. I am thankful that it is going so well, I feel like I have been so blessed.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs....and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

-Mosiah 24:14-

Marcus' 18th Birthday.

2009-07-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

As we all know, Marcus loved planes and was a huge World War II buff. He could tell you every military plane that ever flew and know exactly what it could and couldn't do. So for his birthday, we had been planning to get this plane to put out at the cemetery. So we get it out there and John and I were just sitting, watching it blow in the breeze, when John turns to me and asked.. Can we put it up in our front yard instead? Sooooo, that's where it is, right next to his tree.

It really was a somber day. Since it was Sunday, June 14th, we didn't do much to celebrate. Aunt Monica sent a beautiful, yummy cake which we all shared in honor of Marcus. Of course we remembered him and reminisced on his birth and other little antics that he did.
Out of all my kids, Marcus' birth (right after) and a few takes of him as a baby, are the only video's I have. They are 18 years old, so I think I will have to have them burned on a DVD. I did get them out and enjoyed seeing his beautiful eyes and that moment of holding him right after his delivery. I experienced almost a "slip in the veil" when I looked into his eyes for the first time and for quite a while after. I knew he was an "old soul" and they way he looked at me, I just can't describe. I saw him as a man. I really had a hard time talking to him in coo's or in baby talk. I was overwhelmed with so many feelings! Being a first time mother, just experiencing the joy and pain of birth, and then seeing this huge boy (9lbs, 10 oz..22 inches long)! But the thing that really took over was the feeling of where he just came from and WHO he was. What mission he had in life and I was responsible for him to fulfill it. And now I realize that he fulfilled that mission in spite of my parenting and responsibilities. He taught me more than I ever taught him. He will be the reason I make it in this world.

Happy Birthday Marcus. I love you and miss your laugh and your smile.

Remembering a beautiful day.

2009-06-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

Among all these days that have brought on so many emotions.... the band banquet, Graduation, and Marcus' Birthday this Sunday... here lies the date of June 11th. On this day back in 1992, Marcus was approaching his first birthday, John and I had been preparing for a while to go to the Temple so that the 3 of us could be sealed and this was the date we chose. In our faith, we believe that being married or sealed together in the Temple by those holding the proper Priesthood, that we will be together not just here on earth, but for all time and eternity. This day means so much more to me today than it ever did.
I remember kneeling at the altar looking at my sweet John, both of us dressed in white and the mirrors behind him that reflected on like forever. The words "for all time and eternity" sent a warmth through my body and spirit that I can't explain. It was so beautiful to hear the words that we would finally be together FOREVER. I didn't think it could get any better, until they brought in little Marcus, dressed in a beautiful white outfit and sleeping as though he were in heaven. My Mom took him in her arms and knelt by us. As they put his little hand on mine and John's, I felt the burning in my chest and a joy that I cannot describe. I can honestly say that I have never felt that kind of love, peace and joy in my entire life than at that moment. I know that Angels were there and that God was promising me that no matter what happened to any of us, we would be together... forever. I knew it in my heart and in the deepest part of my Soul. That day lives on in my heart, and is even stronger today. What a promise! I know without a doubt that we will live together in the next life... forever and ever. John will be my husband forever and if I chose to live worthily, Marcus will be mine forever as will Aaron, Noah Jackson and my little one I lost in between.

Graduation

2009-06-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

All I can say is that I am continued to be amazed at the kids that live here. I should have known better than to only expect the Principal to call John and I up right before they announce the other kids diploma and that would be it. OH, but that was not the case at all. One of the Salutatorians mentioned his situation and how this class responded with an outreach of friendship. The Valedictorian mentioned Marcus by name and how he inspired and helped their class learn so many things about life that they will take with them. Then, when they were getting ready to pass out diploma's the Principal called John and I up by name and commented on how we lost Marcus early this year but his spirit lives on. It was evident that was so true. I held my composure really well until they started reading the names of the kids who were in band with Marcus. As I saw their faces, it brought back memories of those faces with shaved heads, those faces with big smiles enjoying life, and those faces with tears as they stood at attention, saluting Marcus' casket as he passed by them at the funeral. I wanted to hug each one of them and tell them that everything will be ok. We truly were inspired to move here and have this community around us as we went through this hard trial in life. They helped Marcus deal with his cancer, accepted who he was and then remember who he was and what they learned from him. God was watching over all of us.
I still feel a constant hole in my heart, sometimes it feels so big that it could swallow me up. Other times its smaller and a peaceful glow seems to come from that hole, as if Marcus is saying "I am happy and doing what I love to do, Serving my Heavenly Father." I have to focus on those moments and keep my faith that we all have work to do, and this is where we all need to be. One day I will see him and hold him but he will be proud of Me.
I added a link to a video that a friend of Marcus' family posted to his facebook group called "In Memory of Marcus" for those who would like to see the presentation of his diploma. I hope you can see it, you may have to join facebook to see it, but I'm not sure.

I am soooo sorry!

2009-05-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

I should know better than to "vent" at 2:00 in the morning, when I am soooo tired and my depression and anxiety have the best of me.

This morning I opened up an email from someone that I have known and admired since I was young. She was inspired to read my blog this morning and read my last entry that was by far a very low moment. She sent me a beautiful email full of love, and caring encouragement. I am so grateful for her kind and loving words that made my heart fill with peace and renew my Faith in the Lord. I want her to know how thankful I am for her. God sent her to give me the peace and a reminder that I can receive strength through him.

I really am grateful for being blessed enough to have such special children. I am thankful to have Marcus as my son and he will always be my son for eternity. He has made it and doesn't have to deal with this cruel world, and especially his cancer. He has a mission to do and I know that he is watching over us. I am thankful that he was able to be there for Aaron and continues to watch over each of us.

I am thankful that no one has been seriously injured throughout all of this. These are just small bumps in the road compared to the eternal perspective. " I am not yet as Job, and do not suffer as he suffered". I have 3 boys here with me who I love and adore. They are my life and I will enjoy every moment I have with them. I am also so thankful for my dear, sweet, never failing husband John. He has such patience with me and my emotional rollercoaster. He keeps things going when I dig a hole and bury my head every now and again. He is a great father and provider. He never thinks of himself first and stands up for what he believes is right. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man.

MY HOUSE, I am ever so thankful for being able to buy this home that I love and that holds so many precious memories of our family. A place where I love the people around me. How thankful I am for the loving neighbors and friends that help me and support me. They think of me often and show what Charity really is.

My Mom. How I am so ever grateful for HER! She is amazing!! She held me up during the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life... watch my son die. She didn't have to be here, but she chose to, to be here to not only watch her grandson die, but watch her daughter endure the pain of losing her child. I will be eternally grateful to her for that and for my Dad. He let her go and leave him behind. Thanks Dad for being so unselfish to let her come here, time after time in my times of need.

This is getting long, but I have to mention my gratitude for my siblings. Each one of them gives me so much strength in their own way. The Lord knew what he was doing when he created families.

So there is my "UN_VENT" as you can see, my perspective has changed since yesterday. Thanks to a dear loving person who took the time to listen to the promptings and to write me a simple email. The Lord answers our prayers in so many ways!!! May God Bless you!!

A little female "VENT"

2009-05-31T00:57:00.000-07:00

Today I feel alone in a house will all boys and a couple of Men. There have been a few experiences in our household that have been centered around Aaron. Some of you may have heard about them, some have not, so I will just mention them.
1) Aaron was influenced strongly by peer pressure and a Leader to let him shave his head. That ended up with many tears and a whole issue he hadn't planned on. Remembering the last time he shaved his head for his brother.
2) Aaron went with the Scouts shooting. One boy's double barrel shot gun wouldn't open so he decided to pull it up over his head to shoot it, but didn't think to take his finger off the trigger. As he began to pull it up, it went off making a huge hole in the ground at Aaron's feet...which sprayed shrapnel up on Aaron leaving welts and sores on his legs, stomach and arms. The leaders there were frightened and swear that someone (not visible to the human eye) held down that gun so that it didn't hit Aaron at point blank. THANK YOU MARCUS!
3) Aaron got bursitis in his knee and has been on steroids and antibiotics. If that doesn't help, then he might have to have surgery.
4) Friday night, the Scouts (yes, I let him go with them again!) went on a over-night camp out and rode horses the next morning. John (yes, my husband) went up early this morning to attend and have some fun. They come home and John is limping. Come to find out, 2 other LEADERS plus John are thrown from horses... not just once but twice and with John 3 TIMES! One of the other leaders ended up with at least 3 broken ribs, maybe 5... the other ended up with stitches by his eye. John landed on his back and side... he has a bad back as it is... I am scared to death what he going to be like tomorrow. I am afraid he really hurt himself, he just isn't showing it. Aaron also fell off his horse somehow, and says his chest must have hit the horn of the saddle, so now that hurts.

I have to mention that on May 11th, I took a leisurely stroll on my neighbors motor scooter, took a turn too wide and stuck out my leg which hyper-extended it which tore my ACL. That is the tendon that holds the knee together. So the 4th of June, I will be going in to schedule my surgery... MAYBE. Depends on who I will have to take care of .. either John or Aaron.

I really am angry right now. Here it is 2:13 in the morning and I can't sleep!! WHY? Because I (yes, me!!) am over reacting!!! I know nothing serious has come of any of this, but my nerves are completely shot! I told both of them not to go, and I am the one who isn't reasonable! You know that instinct that Mothers have, well my instinct is on OVERLOAD and I know when crap is way too close. I have had it!! Graduation is Tuesday, where they are supposed to give us and honorary diploma for Marcus!! I barely made it through the Band Banquet where they gave a beautiful tribute to him.. Memorial Day, and his birthday is June 14th. Aaron is supposed to go on a Trek to Wyoming with other youth on the 10th through the 13th of June. John and I were supposed to go with the youth, but can't because of my knee. I AM TIRED!! I can't take any more.... my nerves are so shot, I really don't know if I can really let anyone out the door of my house. I lost one, I can't survive losing anyone else. I hate that I am told by John and Aaron that I "just worry too much" or that I am "being over protective"... I am sorry. What am I supposed to do? I lost Marcus and I had no control over that, why couldn't it happen to anyone else? It obviosly has come very close!!!

I am so sorry for the rambling and venting, I guess tonight is when my Dr.'s prescription is going to have to help me unwind and sleep. I have worked myself up all day. Thanks for listening... YES, I AM JUST WALLOWING.... I know it could be worse.

Tree in Honor of Marcus

2009-05-23T23:21:00.000-07:00

The Mountain Crest High School class of 2009, donated this tree in Honor of Marcus. What a beautiful tree for such a beautiful gesture. I am so proud of these kids who have thought of Marcus through out the school year and wanted to honor him in some way. This is a Flowering Pear tree, that does not produce much of a fruit. It blossoms in the spring, grows green leaves and in the fall turns a beautiful red/gold color. I look forward to that, because fall is a very difficult time. I have never liked October, now I don't like it even more, but I think this will give me something to look forward to as the seasons change.

Today my boys planted that tree in our front yard. We had thought about putting it in the back, but decided that it belonged where everyone could see it, enjoy it, but most of all remember Marcus.

Spring!!!!

2009-05-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Tulips and lilacs are signs of Spring. Unfortunately they both came out late this year. We usually have them in full bloom by Noah's birthday which is April 28th. This year we had lots of cold weather and we fell behind in the weather by almost 6 weeks. My tulips are pretty much the only flowers I have planted in my front yard, so they are pretty much gone by May. Sometime I will find something else that will bloom just as big in the summer.

Aaron and Stella our kitty. Stella has really taken a liking to the outdoors and has made a few friends outside, except for the dogs!

Yes, this is a picture of myself and my Stella. She has been such a great comfort to me through out all of this. She knows when I need a good cuddle and follows me around the house. I have come to love and appreciate so many things in this world. I know that God made many things so beautiful and loving to make us happy and feel joy while we are here on earth. Grieving through the long winter has taught me to look forward to the days of spring and the signs of hope that surround me. It all is a lesson of the way I can look forward to the next life where I will hold my sweet boy Marcus again.

Noah's "all boy" party.

2009-05-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

Crazy boys! Noah's birthday was April 28th, but since I went to Women's Conference right after that, we postponed Noah's party. He decided that he needed to do an "ALL GUYS" evening. Bowling is one of the things he really likes to do, so we planned it at Logan Lanes. He invited his "bro's" and we got things rolling. Unfortunately, this time of year is sooooo hard to get around everyone's schedules with Soccer and Baseball going on. It's tough, so I know there were a few who didn't make it.
Noah did really well and beat everyone except for his Dad, of course. So now my Noah is 10 years old! The big double digits!!! I think I felt a lot more gray hair grow in just now.
Noah is taking piano lessons and doing well. He just ran the Wellsville Mile where a few hundred 4th graders ran and he came in 13th overall. He did a great job!! He is my big sports nut! Football is what he wants to play the most, but he is so small, I have hesitated to put him in. Maybe this fall I will let him. He is very athleticly minded, so I am hoping that means he will know how to get away from the big bad guys who can run him over and hurt him!!
I am very proud of him. Noah has always been my peacemaker and one who will always befriend the new kids

He is a good big brother and takes Jackson with him everywhere he goes. If any of his friends don't want to play with Jackson, then he will leave with Jackson and not play with them. He is an amazing child.

Noah's Piano recital.

2009-05-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have been quite the slacker when it comes to updating.
Noah's very first piano recital was the 20th of April. He memorized it so quickly, I was very impressed. He is such a good boy and loves to play. Of course he wants to hurry and get to the fun songs, but all in all, he is doing well. I know I should work on getting him to practice more and on a better schedule, but he really likes to play.
Last sunday, 2 young men in our ward at church played a piano duet. His eyes lit up! I leaned over and said, "if you keep practicing hard, someday you and I could play a duet". He just BEAMED! He liked that idea. So maybe I can keep reminding him of our duet and That will motivate him to practice more.

Women's Conference

2009-05-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

Every year, the Relief Society along with Brigham Young University put together a conference, or like a retreat for only women. This was my first experience going and I went with my dear friend, Julie Earl. We had so much fun. We stayed in the dorms, where the freshmen boys live when school is in session, so when we walked into the bathroom and saw urinals, it felt really strange. So we had to take a picture of us standing by one. How often do you get a chance to see those??

Anyway, the sessions were amazing and I learned so much. I guess it wasn't quite learning, it was more of feeling. What an amazing opportunity to sit with over 18,000 women from all over the country, (most I think were from utah) and listen, learn and feel each others spirits and support. A lot of families have little reunions there with Mothers, Grandmothers, daughters, old college friends, neighbors. We heard a lot of squeals in the halls as women would run into someone they hadn't seen in a long time.

One night they put on a concert and it was soooo amazing!! Brian Asher, and a few others from the "Reflections of Christ" display, performed "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing"... Yes I cried. Eclipse an acapella group sang some fun music, a woman on the violin played some beautiful movie songs and one of my favorite was Hilary Weeks. She is so cute, lively and so amazing with her songwriting and vocals. She has a new album and new song called "If I only had today". What a beautiful song! I almost sobbed, but it really was amazing.

The next day we were able to hear from the General R.S. president, Julie Beck. She doesn't hold anything back and tells it like it is. One thing that stood out in my mind is that she told us that we shouldn't sit back and be a victim to pornography. We need to stand up and fight! Fight for our homes to be a safe haven and fight to keep evil out. It was just a great talk. Then that afternoon we heard from L. Tom Perry, one of the council of the 12 in the Church. What a privilege to hear from him and feel his presence there. It was an amazing few days and exactly what I needed.

New Video.

2009-04-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

As I said before, the video that I had made, Youtube didn't want me to use that music so I changed it up and used Creed, another band that Marcus loved. I also had to add more pictures plus I added a short video clip of my Marcus that I forgot I had.

My sweet Marcus. Oh how I miss you more today than yesterday!

April 26, 2009 - 6 months

2009-04-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

Can't believe it's April and now it has been exactly 6 months to the day that Marcus died. Not only was it the 26th today, but Sunday as well. He died on a early Sunday morning. It has been a rough day for us, harder on John than I thought.
We went to church today and in the announcements they mentioned Seminary Graduation, then mentioned the names of the 3 boys from our Ward who will be graduating. Like a stake through the heart to hear those names and not Marcus'. John and I stood at his grave today, looking at his headstone, wondering if this pain will every subside. In a few weeks we will be going through Graduation. We will be accepting an honorary diploma in his name at the ceremony. We will be going on the Trek (I will expound on that later) but it is a very emotional thing, then the day after we get home from that, it will be Marcus' 18th birthday. We will be out there again with flowers and balloons, maybe the airplane we want to put out there. I miss him so so much. I feel at peace with where he is and what he is doing, but it just hurts soooo much to have him gone.
I got out my box today of the things of Marcus' that are very important and I want to save forever, like his birth certificate, his obituary, his Patriarchal Blessing and other things. I had forgotten that there was a letter that he wrote while he was at his Priesthood in Action camp, and as I read it I realized that he had to have known what his fate was going to be. He thanked John and I for teaching him from the time he was born to know right from wrong, for raising him well. He said he loved us no matter what, even through fights and tough times. He said he would love us to the very end. What an amazing letter! I am so glad I have that to read now. He knew what life was going to give him. I am so blessed to have had him for my son.
Tomorrow is another day and I will begin to post the things that have been going on around here. I will start with a new hope and strive to chin up and face the world. I will "Gird up my Loins" once again.

Fight Childhood Brain Tumors

2009-04-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

May is Brain Tumor Awareness month, so in honor of that, I made a little video. It's a tribute to My Dear Marcus, and his struggle with this horrible monster of Brain Cancer. The music was cut out of it from Youtube, so hopefully I can get that fixed. I just directly put it on this page. The music is a group that Marcus really liked called "Nickleback" and when I heard this song, I knew this is what I had to do with it. Wear GRAY IN MAY!!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Easter!

2009-04-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

Easter has a significant new meaning to me this year. There is only one person who knows exactly how I feel, and what pain I have to carry. He didn't have to take that upon himself, but He did it for me, so I wouldn't have to carry it alone. What a blessing my Savior Jesus Christ has done for me.

As we go into this beautiful Easter, I would like you to remember another Brain Tumor Warrior, named Adam Wisdom. (Beautiful name) He passed away today, on Saturday the 11th of April surrounded by his strong and faithful family. His family has such strong faith in God and has given me strength. Adam was 16 and was diagnosed in Oct. 8th, 2007. Please pray for this family and that the Lord will comfort them. I don't follow a lot of Brain tumor kids, but Adam's story hit so close to home and the look in his eyes was so similar to Marcus'.

Here is Adam's caringbridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/adamwisdom

Hope everyone has a Peaceful and Beautiful Easter.

An Apostle's Easter Thoughts on Christ

2009-04-11T21:13:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter. The only person in the Universe who truly knows how I feel, and didn't have to.

A fun thing to watch.

2009-04-08T09:33:00.001-07:00

Shauna sent this to me and it just made me smile and want to get up and dance myself! Love you Shauna Bnauna!

Come, Come, Ye Saints

2009-03-26T14:21:00.001-07:00

Here is Marcus' favorite Hymn. He would repeat these words to me as he neared the end of his life. This is the version he just loved. He took so much strength from his Ancestors, the Pioneers.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

2009-03-26T12:02:00.001-07:00

I have signed up for LDS Nuggets. They are weekly spiritual thoughts sent to my email. They are all sponsored, and have an advertisement at the end. I usually never read the adds.
Today marks the day of the 5th month anniversary of Marcus' death, and the advertisement today, with the LDS Nuggets, was a new CD from Mormon Tabernacle Choir called "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing"!!! with a clip from YouTube with it. For those who don't know, this is the first song Marcus downloaded to his ipod when he got it and this version was sung at his funeral. He LOVED this song and especially this arrangement. He used to play it when he was feeling down. He truly is close by. Ohhhh how I miss that boy!

Dieter F. Uchtdorf - CREATE

2009-03-17T20:04:00.001-07:00

My Cub Scout.

2009-03-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

My cub scout, Noah, just had his Blue and Gold Banquet. He has grown up so much, I can't believe he will be 10 in April!! He will then become a Weblo, the last year in the Cub Scouts, then he will advance into the Boy Scouts at age 11!!! WOW! Where does the time go!
Here is Noah's Pack with their leaders. These kids are the Wolves, Bears (Noah is a Bear) and Weblos. They are a great bunch of boys and their leaders are wonderful as well. Thanks to them for their time and dedication to our boys.

Time.

2009-02-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

4 months ago today.... seems like so much longer....who slowed life down? Oh how I miss my Marcus today. Its like my body knows when the 26th comes around, it is a little easier than last month, but it's amazing that a dumb number can cause such an emotional difference.

On top of that Aaron is getting into a little trouble at school. Nothing big, like drugs alcohol or anything like that, but just enough to get in trouble and go see the Principal.... I know he is just getting some attention and letting everyone know who he is and that he is here. He is trying to find himself and making sure people know he's not Marcus. He is such a fun kid and I know he is not depressed like he used to be. I know he's going to be OK, but what do I do with him in the meantime? He told me to sell him on E-bay.... haha.

Jackson is home sick today. He was throwing up this morning until school started, and now he seems to be fine. He has a program tonight where he is supposed to be Abraham Lincoln, maybe its just nerves. Gotta love being the MOM.

A Great Day!

2009-02-15T14:18:00.001-08:00

In the LDS (Mormon) Faith, when someone who passes away very young, like Marcus, we are able to do Temple ordinances that they weren't able to accomplish in this life. For Valentines Day Yesterday, John and I went to the Temple and did that work for Marcus. We felt his presence so strong and knew that this is what he really wanted and needed. John had felt very strongly that Marcus really wanted us to do this for him so that he could go on and do work that God needs him to do. I know that Marcus is serving as a missionary on the other side of the Vail, and is helping us here on earth as well. It was truly a Beautiful Day.

My Niece Jessica.....

2009-02-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

This post is about my Niece Jessica (Nancy's daughter). She was born with severe heart defects over 20 years ago and wasn't given much of a chance to survive very long at all. She is still around and prooving all the Doctors wrong! She had 5 heart surgeries where she had 2 strokes. She has over come a lot of things, and continues to fight daily for her life. She is very young at heart (like a six-yr-old)but fights like a Soldier. She is considered terminal and has been for years, but she is determined to stick around. She and Marcus have always had a bond and spent a lot of time together when they were little children. She has always been Marcus' biggest fan during the 2 years he was fighting his cancer. These 2 pictures are the last time Jessica and Marcus saw each other. These were taken in November 2007 when we went to Tucson for Thanksgiving. I know she wouldn't mind if I told you, but Jessica dreams of Marcus a lot. He has been checking up on her and making sure she is doing ok.

This picture is of Jessica holding her Aligator named Marcus. She chose that name because Marcus is brave and strong like an Aligator. Marcus is holding a star that Jessica made him to hang in his room to remember her by.

Jessica LOVES parties, especially barbie or princess ones. In this picture is Natalie (Stuarts daugter), Marissa (far left) Julie (far right)...both Alices' daughters, then Jessica.

This is Jessica with her brother Brandon. (and Marissa trying to sneak in) What a cute kid Brandon is.

Jessica's body is slowing down and things have gotten so painful for her. There is nothing more they can do for her, so we pray that things go quickly when they start getting really bad. It is a comfort to know that Marcus will be there for her, but just thinking about what she has to go through breaks me heart. It breaks my heart for her whole family who have struggled their whole lives having to deal with all this. Knowing what my sister has to do rips me apart and makes me wish I could take that all away. No one should have to experience that, but somehow and for a reason only God knows, we have to do it. It is my faith that gets me through all this and I know that it will all be worth it someday.

Please keep Jessica, Nancy and Karl, Justen, Branden, and Austin in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

My family...

2009-02-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

I have been missing my family lately. I have been looking at some pictures of them from Christmas and from Marcus' Funeral. I thought I would share with you some pictures of my wonderful Taylor Family. (I will post John's family later, too many pictures!)

Here are my Parents: Ron and Julie Taylor. They live in Colonia Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico.

This is my oldest brother Brian and his wife Melanie. This is the only one I could find of them together. I have to explain this picture. Melanie shaved her head to cheer Marcus up when he was was going through his chemo again. I think she looks great!

This is my baby brother, Stuart, and his wife Clarissa. They are expecting baby # 3 in May and its another girl!!! We are so excited! They live in Arizona.

This is my other little brother, John, and his wife Mandy. They live in California and we love when they come visit.

This is my older sister Nancy, and her husband Karl. They live in Tucson Az.

This is my baby sister Alice and her husband Chuy with her cute family. Jesse, Julie, Marissa, and baby Hyrum. (Yes she is my biological sister) They live in Tucson Az. as well.

Confessions.....

2009-02-07T15:39:00.001-08:00

I figured that if I came clean in public that I would HAVE to do something about it. I am pretty embarrassed about it and have pretty much left my grief and stress to blame for my complete failure to take care of myself and my family.

As most of you may know, and those who don't, I will tell you. I have gained a lot of weight the last 2 years, but especially since we returned from Hawaii. (I did lose about 15 lbs before the trip which was a great feat) I know that seems like a petty thing, but this has finally gone too far. Since our arrival from Hawaii we were constantly in the hospital for Marcus and treatments etc. My Mom came for a month, left and then we just had people bringing meals. I don't think I cooked a single meal for months! So after all was said and done, Marcus was gone, family was gone, I walked into my kitchen and felt like I didn't know what to do, so I walked out. I tried a week or so later to go back in and cook, but I just fell apart. Dinner was our time together. There were so many days that I started fixing dinner and had to leave it. Not sure why, I have never been a big fan of cooking, but never to the point of tears and a break down! As many of you saw, I put pictures up in the living room, and cleaned out Marcus's closet. THOSE are the things that should bring me down, but cooking dinner for my family?

John, poor man, has tried to cover my spot as cook and has done a wonderful job. He is so much more than I deserve. But of course he is only human, he can't do it all, especially since he has been given more work to do at work.

I haven't been the Mom my boys need because I have been so selfish. Because of this problem, I have gained so much weight, that I have put my own health at risk. This last week has been a huge wake-up call for me. I have had head-aches for the last 2 weeks, but last week I had them so bad I was nauseated and vomiting. My neck and shoulders have been in so much pain. I went to a chiropractor thinking that would help my headaches and my neck, only to find out that my blood-pressure is sky-high! He has helped with all my headaches and things but my bloodpressure is still a problem. Monday morning I will be calling my Dr. and seeing what he can do to help me get this under control. Sure, many can say that stress and grief can be a health hazard, BUT if I had been on top of taking care of myself and my family I know I would not be in this situation.

So this is my confession and hopefully my inspiration to "Gird up my loins, fresh courage take".

Mothers of Children with Cancer.

2009-01-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

I "stole" this from another blog of a family who lost their 14-yr-old daughter to Brain Cancer. It was beautiful and thought there would be others that would enjoy this.

THE CHOSEN MOTHERS
By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a
few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As HE observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger....

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew, Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia, Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

But does she have patience?" asked the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has its own
world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."

“No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she was here by My side.”

"And what about her patron Saint?" asked the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiled. "A mirror will suffice."

Jackson is 7!

2009-01-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Jackson!!!

Don't ask me what that is all about.

Time flies when you are having sooo much fun! On January 15th, Jackson turned 7. He has grown up so much the last year, but still has his wild days. I had to get all the goofy shots in with all the good ones so bear with me on putting so many pictures. He really is a joy to have around! We did end up going bowling, but I forgot the camera, dangit! Its a good thing... I only scored 6 points in my first 4 frames!!! YIKES!!

P.S. Notice the big scratch on his face from our new cat. Maybe someday he will learn...sigh

P.S.S. Also I put 2 posts up today, this one and the next one.

What do you say?

2009-01-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

When people ask how many kids I have, I say 4. That goes into how old. I really don't like making people feel uncomfortable by saying that Marcus has died and it also cuts me to the core every time I have to say those words. I know its the reality and I can't hide or ignore Marcus. He is my son, my firstborn and every parenting experience that I have had in my life has been with him. When I am in a conversation with others and they are talking about different things that their children do, why does it get so uncomfortable when I say that Marcus did the same thing or when I say something about him at all? It hurts more just thinking about not counting him as my child or keeping my mouth closed and to pretend like he doesn't count.

Today I went to Jackson's class to talk to them about Jackson, to show some pictures because his birthday was last week. He was sitting next to me and I was explaining the dynamics of our family. I said Jackson is the youngest in our family so I asked him how many older brothers he has (DUMB MOM) he looked at me with a questioning face and help up 2 fingers. It broke my heart!!! I said, no you have 3 and so I had him name them. He said Noah, Aaron... then looked at me with sad eyes and couldn't say his name, so I had to say "Marcus" for him. OUCH! I had no idea that was an issue with him. At home we talk about Marcus all the time, and how we are an eternal family, but I am guessing that he feels the same way I do. "What do you say?" There is no way around it, it's going to hurt. I don't like saying.."well, I have 4 boys, 3 living and 1 in heaven"... well, something to that effect, it just sounds bleck to me. I would rather say he died. So there is my issue for the day...........IT SUCKS! I think I'm ready for a diet coke and my chocolate right about now!

Oh how I miss this face!!!!

Relay for life 2008

2009-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share what a friend of mine (Heide Randall) did for the Relay for Life in VA last May. It is a video that she put together of her "Wall of Courage" that she had displayed there. The facts about Pediatric Brain Tumors are astounding. Please visit this site, Marcus is included in it, as well as Jessica, who is Heide's daughter. Heide has been very active in Childhood Cancer Awareness with a lot of support for Pediatric Brain Tumors. Jessica passed away in 2007 from the same kind of Cancer that Marcus had called "Anaplastic Astrocytoma".

Thanks Heide for all the work you do to get the word out about Childhood Cancer, as well as Pediatric Brain Tumors. You are amazing!

http://heidster.com/relay_2008/virtual_wall/index2.html

New Music

2009-01-12T09:26:00.001-08:00

I updated the music here on my blog. I decided to put some music that I like, but also some that reminds me of Marcus. After all, this place is very therapeutic for me as I deal with all this so I figured I would put some music as well.
Marcus enjoyed classical music and really didn't listen to a lot of "pop-music" until he was about 13 or 14. (Except for the music I listened to) I know he had friends that came over and asked to see his music collection and pulled faces at his CD's. He would also play his baritone and pick out songs he would hear that he really enjoyed. For his Grandmothers 70th birthday party, he played a solo of Shenandoah. He loved playing that at home as well.
The Gladiator he did play in band, but his favorite part was "the battle" (mine too). There is a lot of low brass in that music that is beautiful and I loved hearing him practice it at home. He also played Pirates of the Carribean, but so did Aaron. They played from different ones, so I just like them all since I can hear the french horn and the baritone.
Muse, and the Lullaby are my favorites, OF COURSE. They are from the movie Twilight. Those books got me through the 2 months of Marcus' recurrence and lots of time in the hospital. The Aaron Neville is for John. He has always love him and the Neville brothers, plus that music is just a feel good song telling me that its ok to have a good time.
So that is probably way more information than you cared to hear about, but its good therapy for me, I guess.

My living room.

2009-01-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

I finally put up (all by myself, mind you, with plaster walls and using MY drill) the big frame that has all 4 boys 8x10's in them, plus I put up the beautiful sign that Clary made for me last year, right above it.
I also rearranged my photos and things on the built-in shelves in the corner. The 2 figures on the 2nd shelf were given to us by our Bishop's family and a few neighborhood friends.
The next photo is of our entry-way with our entertainment center. I know its pretty cluttered right now, but I am working on it. And PLEASE don't look at the curtains! They are as old as our house and I am going to paint and get rid of those soon!!
The pictures in the frame sitting on top of our Etertainment center are the ones of Marcus that I found on the internet. Next to it is the Statue that I got the boys for Christmas.
Well, I hope that is all I have cause it has been a pain to put them up for some reason.
Also, I almost feel like I need to put something else by the big long frame. I don't know, John likes it like this. We will see.
Here you go Mom and Nancy. Now you can see my dirty, cluttered house and my new stuff up. =0P

Happy New Year!

2009-01-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

It really has been a tough week for our family. The holidays have been a lot harder than I thought they would be, on all of us. The kids struggled some, but mostly I have of course. We were going to have our New Years Eve party with the Rowbury's like we have the last 2 years, but Jackson got sick with the stomach junk, so we just stayed home and played some games and hung out.
On New Years day we went out to the cemetery to check on our UofA snowdude. When we drove into the cemetary, we saw that someone on the other side of the cemetery put up a huge Christmas Tree. So we turned left and drove down this other way to look at the tree. While we were stopped, a completely white dove walked across the road. John drove up a little more, and the dove didn't fly away, it just walked slowly. We sat and watched it for a little while knowing that Marcus sent that dove to us. You really don't see white doves, much less in the middle of winter in Utah. What a beautiful sign of love he sent to us to let us know he is with us.

FINALLY SUNSHINE!!!

2008-12-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

I can't even tell you how much difference my whole mood is when the sun is out! After what seems like weeks, we finally have a day with the sun shining, blue sky and just a few light clouds!! I have never been too particular about sunshine, but now that I am still not quite back to myself, sunshine makes a world of difference.
It's amazing how much comfort our crazy cat brings to all of us, especially me. Stella knows when I am upset and comes running into my room. I am not sure if she likes get the tissues that I use, or if she really is concerned about me, but I don't care. Of course I was ready to throw her out last night! Yesterday when we bought her cat food, we bought her a new toy. She loves it so much she kept bringing it in our bed and tried to play with it there. I think I will be hiding that thing tonight! I have to remember, she still is a kitten and she wants to play! OK, now I know I have lost it.... I have "blogged" about my dumb cat....lol.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T21:56:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a very difficult Christmas for our family, I am not going to try and hide that. We did have so many good people give us a lot of great gifts and many were dropped off at our doorstep, which really was a fun thing and cheered us up. Thanks so much for all those endearing gifts that let us know that you are thinking of us. We truly are so grateful for your tender and beautiful thoughts and gifts. And for whoever dropped off the Jars, it touched our family so deeply. Thank you for and may the Lord bless you all for your service and thoughtfulness.
OK... to liven things up a bit and to include Marcus this day, Melanie had the idea a while ago to build a snowman out by his headstone. So that is just what we did. Our boys, Brian and some of his kids came out and we built a Uof A snow man. The little boys built some forts and had snowball fights. It really turned into a fun activity even though it was raining. We felt Marcus' presence a lot the last few days and know he is near us. We are so blessed to have that.
I thought that this really captured his face. The 1/2 smile we really had to include because that was his pleasant smile. (you can see kids in the background playing... don't worry, no one is burried back there...lol) Brian gave up a University of Arizona hat for the occation. Thanks, I am sure we can get you another one! The next picture is Melanie, Brian, Aaron and John. Also not in the picture was Ruth, Lisa, and myself. We never thought that making a snowman would ever be so much fun until today. It is so different when we are doing it for someone, especially Marcus. The only thing is, that right after we left, the big blizzard started,
and we aren't sure what is left of our snow dude. We will have to head out there tomorrow and see what is still around. I sure hope he is still standing. He looked AWESOME!

I Made It Through Another Day!

New Year.

Family Scrapbook of 2011

My faith.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas wish

Thanksgiving Week.

Choice

Three years.

My Tunes.

Ready for September!!

September is here!

A Young Man...

Dreaming while "Under the Weather".

Writing.

Lindsay Writes: HUGE Giveaway!! signed copies of books!! Stand Up ...

In Memory of Linda Rowbury

Book of Mormon Musical

Living...

Future Writer!

ME!

12 Years Old!

Joys in life.

The Beauty of Friends.

Awakening!

Families Can Be Together Forever

Just things...

Lifes blessings.

Thanksgiving Day, Part II

Thanksgiving 2010

Jessica Marie Jensen- My beautiful Niece

My New Laptop!

Crazy, Mad, CooCoo, Mental....

Eclipse (Spoiler alert)

There are two sides of every story...

My New Life

May is National Brain Tumor/Cancer awareness month!

Shallow Day -TWILIGHT (what have you done to my wife?)

*****The Little Soul*****

One Year, 5 months....

Jackson turns Eight!

It has been a while..

Crazy Ideas!

After the First Year

Merry Christmas!

Another Spoof!

New Moon...

"You Belong With Me" (Jacob Black Remix!)

Marching Band 2009.

October 26, 2009

Bitter-Sweet Week.

October 2

I miss my Sisters!!

Consider the Lilies

LDS Church Leaders preparing us for the 2nd Coming of Christ

Another Testament of Christ Slideshow

My Eternal Family

Writing....

First day of school ...2009

It all started this week...

Male Angel Picture.

Marching Band Camp...

My Shoes.

My last month.

Marcus' 18th Birthday.

Remembering a beautiful day.

Graduation

I am soooo sorry!

A little female "VENT"

Tree in Honor of Marcus

Spring!!!!

Noah's "all boy" party.

Noah's Piano recital.

Women's Conference

New Video.

April 26, 2009 - 6 months

Fight Childhood Brain Tumors

Happy Easter!

An Apostle's Easter Thoughts on Christ

A fun thing to watch.

The Little Soul