We lived with God.

We lived with God, He knew me before we came to earth and knows me now.  He knows my pain, heartache, joys and successes.  I feel His love, and have felt His Holy presence on the hardest day of my life.  I know He has plans for me and my family. When I look at these photos of the grand Universe, I know those plans are larger than the stars, planets and galaxies, more than my mortal mind can imagine. 
 

My new hobby!

"When a door is shut, the Lord always opens a window."  Ok, so I don't know the exact quote, nor who said it, but this has been going through my mind a lot lately.  I have been blessed in many different ways since the passing of  my son, Marcus.  When everything seemed to be at the worst, and despair was creeping in, I was given something I had never had before.

My whole life before that moment, I never had the patience nor the desire to pick up a book and read, much less finish it and enjoy it.  Ask any of my school teachers, especially Mrs. Nielsen,(my English teacher throughout High School) they will verify I was never interested, nor did I have the focus necessary to read anything longer than a paragraph.

Who would think that something as simple as a book would change my life?  I have to admit it was "Twilight by Stephanie Meyer" that first took me away from the deep abyss that I teetered on the edge of, daily.   I was able to escape from the reality of what I faced, it kept me sane enough to take care of my son, help him get through his last days of life. Now, I can't wait for a new book just as soon as I finish another.  It's like I can't get enough words, stories, fantasies and new worlds.

This new obsession of mine turned into another one.  I began to find others who loved the same books I did, and many of them would constantly ask me what they should read next.  It finally dawned on my that I could start a new blog, where I could post my favorite books and write my review so that others I knew could just check there when they wanted to know what I was reading.  One thing leading to the next, I found other bloggers who had fun book review blogs with the same type of books.  It has been a lot of fun expanding my knowledge of books, but also of the world of blogging.

Now, I am happy to announce that I have just received my first "Review Request" from an Indie Author.  What that means is, an author (Indie meaning "self-published") requested that I review his book on my blog!  This is a huge new step for me and I can't help but hope this turns into something bigger.  I could be reading books that I love for free and reviewing them for others.  This really can't be accidental.  Doing something like this hasn't been a goal or a dream of mine, but it has just sort of happened, but now I can set some goals and make it something bigger.

Your part: So, I am asking a huge favor!  If you could go to my book blog at  http://.karensbooklight.blogspot.com and "follow" it by signing up in the GFC.. Google Friends Connect or by Networked Blogs, it would really help!  The more followers I have, the more likely I will get more and more Review Requests.  Please help me reach new goals!!  THANKS!

As time goes by....

What A Grieving Mother Really Feels ....

Hello old friend,

Oh yes you know

I lost my child a while ago.

... No, no please Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s okay
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see,
I was numb for so very long,
And people said,
“My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made it all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest,
began to choke,
Such a scream,
such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child!
My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on,
you see, everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,
”Their eyes seem to say- -No, no,
I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say,
“Oh, I’m okay”.
But inside I am crying,
as I turn away.
And so my old friend,
I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥

New Year.

2012

 I thought 2011 would be the year my heart would mend, I would be able to go on again.  I would be able to go back where I was before my heart broke, before the battle ever began.  Now I see the battle scars are too deep to just jump up back on my feet.

I have a new heart now with stitches and scars, trying to beat in spite of the damage.  A worn and torn warrior is what I am now, I have to accept that, no matter what.  I will never be completely whole, the way I was before the war.  That was never the plan, to return home without a change, for that is the purpose of this life here on earth.  It takes a lifetime of work to become someone better, the only way forward is to push on with might. Plow right through the thicket of thorned bushes and trees, there is no way around it.  The wounds and the cuts will eventually heal, along with our spirit which will shine bigger and brighter, with  confidence and faith that God is our Master, He knows what is best. 

This new year, a new chapter will be formed.  It is I who decides what will be written within.  As long as I have faith in my Savior, these scars, wounds, cuts, bruises and sores will eventually completely heal.  For He is the reason this life will be worth it, without Him, all hope would be gone. 

So today I realize that I am new, different in so many ways that will never be who I was.  I begin with a new point of view.... I need to Love who I am now, accept these changes and move forward, instead of whishing I was different.  When I can look in the mirror and love what is there, with all the battle scars, flaws, and bruises, I will find the happiness I need to move on. 

2012 is my year to love myself. 

"And if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God." - Doctrine and Covenants 14:7

My motto for 2012:  "Enduring to the end is more that just surviving, it is enjoying and loving where you are in the journey."



Family Scrapbook of 2011

Photo album generated with Smilebox

My faith.

I am Karen. I am a Mormon.(Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)  I am a Christian. I know and testify of Jesus Christ. I know that He is my older brother and my Savior.  Without Him, I would be lost forever.  Jesus is the only begotten Son of God, the Redeemer of the World.  Most importantly Jesus is MY Redeemer, and loves ME.  I know with all my heart and soul that He was born on earth so that all mankind may be saved, even for me.  Jesus knows me, loves me in spite of all my sins, flaws and short-comings. He knows when my heart is breaking. He is there to weep with me, comfort me, and give me hope and faith for the future.  Jesus Christ is also there when my heart is about to burst with joy, giving me praises for succeeding when I have accomplished something difficult.

I testify, that if you seek Him out, you will receive the same knowledge, comfort and guidance.  The only way back to live with our Heavenly Father is through Him.

   

If you would like to learn more about my faith click here: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

May all who read this feel the Spirit in which this was intended.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

For all those who are missing someone they love this Christmas Season! 

Wintersong

The lake is frozen over
The trees are white with snow
And all around
Reminders of you
Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry
But sleep won't set me free
I lie awake and try to recall
How your body felt beside me
When silence gets too hard to handle
And the night too long

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air
And I daydream and I stare
Up at the tree and I see
Your star up there

And this is how I see you
In the snow on Christmas morning
Love and happiness surround you
As you throw your arms up to the sky
I keep this moment by and by

Christmas wish

To all the grieving Mothers I know, you are near and dear to my heart. May you all feel peace during this time of year as we celebrate our Savior's birth, the One who gives us the hope and faith of mending our hearts and souls for eternity.

Thanksgiving Week.

My heart is full today.  As I think of what I am most grateful for, my thoughts go immediately to my husband, John. I don't know what I did to deserve such a great man, but I am so thankful for that blessing.  I have never known anyone as selfless as my John.  He is always serving, always thinking of others.  He serves our community, our city, those in need, and especially his wife and children.  From the first time we met, I knew there was something special about him. He knew he loved me and that we belonged together.  Sure we had things we had to work out, but we fought hard for each other, but he fought the hardest.  He made huge changes for me, our developing family, knowing in his heart that it was right, but so difficult. 

He continues to stand by my side, loving me with patience (and it takes a lot), faith and strength, being the rock and foundation of our family.  I know it hasn't been easy for him these 21 years, we have survived so many challenges, adversity, pain and suffering, to the point where we didn't know if we could make it. 

John hasn't given up on me, ever.  I am so thankful for his unconditional love and devotion he shows me daily.  His heart is huge, so full of compassion and love for others, for his children and especially for me.  He is my example of charity. I can't imagine eternity without him.

I love you, John.  

Choice

Sometimes this choice has to be made minute by minute.

Three years.

Marcus John Russell June 14, 1991 - October 26, 2008

We have reached another milestone.  Year #3 without having my oldest son Marcus with us. He fought a brain tumor/cancer for 2 years before it took his life at the age of 17.

This has been one of the roughest year so far.  Depression, anxiety seem to have taken over my second oldest Aaron and me during the last year.  Aaron is now the exact same age that Marcus was at the time of his death.  Aaron is now a senior and will now surpass his older brother in earthly age.  Aaron will finish out the marching season playing the baritone, his brothers instrument, and continue on to graduate. He really hasn't dealt with his brothers death.  He even avoided our activities today.  

Noah and Jackson went with John and I out to the cemetery where we put together some foam model airplanes, F-16 Thunder birds which were his favorite military plane that he wanted to fly someday.  We had our own airplane salute in memory of Marcus. I think it was good therapy for the younger boys.  They both have been struggling, especially Jackson. We had lots of tears and the grumpies last night.  Jackson was actually sobbing uncontrollably.  The councilor told me that as Jackson grows up he will have to grieve over and over as he realizes what the loss really means.  He was 6 when Marcus died, and now he is 9.  Yesterday he couldn't figure out why he was so sad, all he knew was that he needed to go get something new to make him happy.  He couldn't understand why he kept crying, and thought if he had something new to distract him, he would stop.  By the time we got them to bed, both Noah and Jackson were in tears. I ended up climbing in bed with Jackson and letting him and Noah cry it out.  We talked about Marcus and what he is doing. That it is ok to miss him and remember him, especially on days like today.  I reminded him that he is watching over us and gives us little reminders to show that he is near.  We talked about the funny things he has done since his passing. 

Today, they picked out somethings that reminded them of Marcus and we took them to the cemetery to put around his headstone.  Noah picked out some lizards, Marcus used to catch them when we lived in Arizona, he always wanted a bearded dragon, but his sqwimish Mom couldn't bring herself to do it.  Jackson picked out some little planes and a little batman figure.  Marcus was a military plane buff and his dream was to fly them someday.  When Marcus was young he was obessed with batman and even as a teen, his last movie he saw in the theatre was "The Dark Knight." 



Jackson picked out the patriotic balloon.  Marcus always had a flag pinned up in his room.  His heart was with the military and his country.  He was talking to recruiters right before his cancer returned, he was going to find a way to get in and join the Marine Corp band, after his mission of course.

One of the hardest thing to deal with is watching my children grieve, find what this all means, and go on living, when I can't even deal with it all myself. 

The best thing I have realized this month is that I really haven't hated the change of season's like I have the last 3 years. I mean I dreaded seeing the leaves change, the smell in the air, all the fall decorations and especially Halloween.  Well, I still hate Halloween but it's not a loathing like before. My heart is healing, peace comes more often and I am "getting used" to Marcus' absence, and the pain that comes with it.  Of course there are days when the grief takes over, but I take those days because it reminds me of the love I have been so fortunate to have and the promises I have made to make sure we are together again, forever, to never to be apart again.  

My Tunes.

My writing has really taken off.  I have kicked off my shoes and dove right in!  The Teen/Young Adult genre is where it all started, and where my heart is.  I have been searching through Goodreads.  What a great place!  It is where I have found some great books to read, but also some great Authors who have lead me to their blogs and websites.  From there, I find out so much more about writing.  A lot of them use music to help them write, so I have tried this little trick and let me tell you....   fell headfirst into my zone!  So today I thought I would share a few songs that have me groovin'!

1.  I Just Wanna Run by The Downtown Fiction... Ironic, right?? 


2. Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum


Higher by Taio Cruz

Just some insight on what I MAY be writing about!!  HMMM!  Have I got your interest yet?  Maybe next time I will put some other tunes on here to maybe give a little more hints!

Enjoy!!

Oh yes, OH YES!  It is that time of year... FINALLY! 

What can I say?  I am a complete sucker for this series! Even though Breaking Dawn was not the best book, the movie MAY be the best Twilight series Movie. 

Oh, and here is another picture I found...

OOOO... Bella the Vampire!  She is looking pretty scary!

For the trailer of this movie and my "oh so subtle" thoughts about Jacob and Edward check out my other blog... my bloggings about my obession with Young Adult Books!

Check it out Karen's Book Light

I miss my batman.

Found this from a fellow Childhood Cancer Mom.  It hit my heart, my soul.  I saw my Marcus in his batman cape, at age 5, jumping off couches, chairs, zooming through our house.  I saw him in the grocery store, spreading his cape out as he ran through the isles, using his grand imagination of saving people from bad guys, being the hero by taking on the risks of stepping in to save others. 

Stubbornly he fought to keep his mask and cape securely on, didn't want his identity revealed. He had to wear it night and day, no matter where we were going.  To his cousins house, to department stores, play groups, and even tried to wear it to church.  What a battle it was when I had to put my foot down and demand that church was not a place where batman would have to protect others, that God would do that for him. That calmed him and he understood a little more.

As my batman grew, he outgrew the mask and cape but still loved the idea of an unknown masked man saving others, still secretly wanting to be him.

Cancer found my sweet batman, and he took it on with a mighty fight.  I suddenly felt protective of my boy, felt that he needed a side kick to get him through.  Who would protect the hero from something fighting him from inside?  There weren't many options, but together we fought as best we could.  He stood strong and fought so hard, I felt so small, not much of a side kick, more like a cheer squad, until.... The cancer reared its ugly head and took on a last battle using all its weapons.  Batman was taken over by the nasty thing that fought him from inside. When I asked him during his final weeks "What do you want the world to know about Marcus?"  With a sweet chagrin on his swollen face he replied "I am the Dark Knight, I am Batman".  No cape, no mask did he don, he showed his true identity. He wanted the world to know, he was the one who was taking on the bad guy and saving others.

Now he can be the hero, saving others here on earth, while his identity is hidden.  I feel him next to me so often, I feel that Wonder Woman outfit, wanting to put it on again, but it is a painful.  I feel his encouragement and slowly I am getting back on my feet to help him save the world, well.... at least our family.  How proud I am to have batman in my life. 

Now... to work on Robin ( Aaron) and the Wonder Twins (Noah and Jackson)!  Batman is their sidekick they surely know.     

Remember the 80's? Remember doing the Jane Fonda Workout?  My mom and I did this every morning during the summer.  I was a cheerleader and thought it kept me in good shape in preperation for the school year.  I even used part of it as a warm up with my squad.  Those were the days!  Awww, to be young, skinny, and flexible again!  I do remember taking an oath, almost daily back then, that I would NEVER EVER gain weight.  I would always workout and keep myself thin.

HA!!!  Little did I know what each pregnancy, each child, would do to me physically, mentally, and especially emotionally.  When you are an emotional eater such as I, that pretty much is all I have done is eat to make up for the emotional stress that has come from 4 boys!  Not to mention the whole "cancer journey" and grief added on a TON of weight as well.

Not sure where my little sister got her genes from, but she doesn't eat when she is distraught. She works out and keeps herself busy, therefore burning more calories.  So jealous of that!  I get depressed and find some chocolate of any kind, but preferably BLUE BIRD Chocolates that are handmade here in our little Cache Valley.  Somehow, nibbling on those oober-rich, soft, sweet morsels and letting each bite melt between my tongue and the roof of my mouth, actually melts away my sorrows.  It is quite an experience.  Too bad it has such horrible side effects... such as an expanding waistline... I haven't seen mine in quite a few years... sigh.

So back to my main thought... Oh look , something shiny!!... Oh yeah, I was going somewhere with this.  Ummm... Oh right!  I WENT TO THE GYM TODAY!   I also took a nice walk with John yesterday.  So hopefully this is my start (again)to getting my life back.

 Here is my new motto:  "I am either going to die young or kill myself trying not to!"

It's all in the fight!  So here we go.  Jane Fonda... eat your heart out!!

Ready for September!!

Team Unite!  Order here!

September is here!

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month - letsCONQUER from St. Baldrick's on Vimeo.


As some, or most of you know, I lost my son to Brain Caner at the age of 17.  This month is the time to spread the word, donate, and help find cures for OUR children!!  HOPE is all we need!

A Young Man...

A young man, dealing with the emotional and physical turmoil that cancer can give, drew himself inward and let the sorrow build.  Anger and bitterness brewed inside, so much so that he took it all out on his siblings, parents and even on himself.  He felt life wasn’t fair and he couldn’t understand why he was given this heavy burden. He felt no one could understand the pain and turmoil that he dealt with daily.  The losses of his life-long dreams were crushed because of this illness, he had some handicaps that would follow him for the rest of his life and he knew his life expectancy was short. 

His Doctors recommended a special camp for youth with cancer.  This young man, when he first heard of the camp, didn’t want to go.  His parents pushed the idea and even signed him up without his permission.  When the day came for him to go, his father demanded he get in the car.  Not happy at all with this, the young man pouted and threatened that he would cause so much trouble, they would send him home. 

When they arrived at the camp, the Counselor welcomed him.  The young man crossed his arms, hid behind his sunglasses and ball cap and only answered in short, snippy answers.  His father was wary to leave him, but the Counselor reassured him he would be ok.

After his father left, the Counselor showed the young man to his tent and introduced him to the others his age.  The boys were having a water fight with large medical tubing, with large medical clamps on both ends.  The young man gradually began to interact and became an active player in the fight. 

As the day progressed, the young man noticed a younger boy sitting off by himself.  The young man approached him and introduced himself.   The younger boy replied with his name being “Tomas.”  The two sat for hours in conversation. 

As the week progressed, the young man and Tomas became friends.  There were times when Tomas lashed out and couldn’t deal with the scary and daunting treatments ahead of him. The young man was often found with Tomas deep in conversation, or with his arms around Tomas in comfort. 

When the young man’s father came to pick him up from camp, he was worried as to what he would find.  The counselors gushed about the young man, saying he became the leader and a counselor himself. They explained how the young man made sure all the youth was involved and having a good time.  When his father found his son, he found a new person, a man who seemed to have found his role and accepted his fate. 

When the young man returned home, he gathered his siblings together and insisted on playing games with them.  He told his family how much he missed them and would never take advantage of what he had.  He learned the value of each person and that Heavenly Father loves each one of us the same. 

Just a few months after this experience, the young man’s cancer worsened.  His disabilities increased, but his outlook on life was a good one.  He joked with those who came in contact with him, even after he learned his time on earth was nearing its end.  Though difficult, he accepted Heavenly Fathers will.

 

Now he serves our Heavenly Father from the other side of the veil, performing miracles, comforting others who suffer as he did, and giving himself entirely to those in this life and the next.  I will never forget the example he set for me. 

Love you my son. 

Dreaming while "Under the Weather".

I just had to get up and write this before it was gone.  Linda. My sweet friend, my sarcastic buddy is still gone.  There were so many things we had been "Planning on doing" which never got done.  That lunch date that we put off forever, the dinner outing we were going to do with John and Brad. Those things that we used to do on a regular basis together.  Girls night out was always fun. Until life happened well... death happened.  After such a loss, I pulled my legs into my chest and held on tight, not wanting to let anyone in on my pain.  It was mine and I had to own it, guard it and protect it. I was the one who had to feel it and grieve for my boy. No one else could do it, nor can they now. So up went the walls and my doors slammed shut. Closing off the world around me. I just wanted to be alone, and life drifted by.

Sure, I  pretended to function again, go out with the "girls" who called once a month to make sure I got out of my little prison of grief.  Linda was always there, not too pushy but not afraid to ask questions on what this kind of grief was like.  I liked that.  No one really asks those difficult questions, no one would dare, not even I.  That just meant she cared enough to 'go there'. 

So tonight, while only 1/2 sleeping and 1/2 awake from coughing, being slightly medicated.  I had a wild ride of a dream.  Sorry the details are not so clear, but I know it meant something. 

It felt like I was traveling/flying/ whatever it is that you do in dreams, but I know I was looking over mountains, hills.  Not sure where this is but it was beautiful.  I felt Linda with me somehow.  I knew she wasn't there physically, but she was there. Then I was standing in front of an old building with a worn down carport hanging on to it, I suddendly wanted to leave Linda a message.  I had no place to write but I wanted her to know something, or did she want me to know something?  I was so confused but I  knew I had to write something for her.  So I wrote on the patched up, plastered, white wall...and this is what I wrote.. (ready for this big revelation?)

"YOU SOOOO TOTALLY CHEATED!"  I laughed.

I was shocked that this, this crazy, sarcastic, phrase is what I wanted to say to her!  Like I really think she got off easy by leaving her amazing husband, 4 beautiful children behind?  Hardly!!  I know she is just beside herself right now, wanting to be a part of those kids lives.  To hold her new daughter that she never was able to see, hold, smell or touch.  The one she gave her life for!  Of course that is it.  She gave her life for her little Charlie to come to earth and get her beautiful body and teach everyone around her about pure love. Who else would do that? Linda would.  

So now the crazy cycle of life and death continues.  Life is so cruel at times, but someday we will completely understand.  I know that.  For now I am strapping my seatbelt a little tighter. Now go try and get some sleep before the sun comes up.

Writing.

I broke out my pen again and started on my novel.  It feels strange to call it that, but that is exactly what I want it to be.  I feel intimidated because I don't have the education background that others have.  I only attended 1 year of college, but on every paper I wrote, my professors gave me an A.  I think I even recall an A+ and a comment saying "great writing".  This was a shock to me considering I barely skated through High School and my dear English teacher didn't like my writing.  I know it is only one opinion, but hers was the only one that counted in those days.  To this day (25 yrs later) her words still ring clear every time I feel like sharing my writing with anyone.  I know I am insecure, and have been all my life.  I grew up with learning disabilities, before we even knew there were such a thing.  I have always felt dumb, and teased as such.  My ACT scores aren't even mentionable.  So here I am 40-something and still insecure.  Of course my insecurities also stem from having a few English majors in the family.  I just can't put myself out there to the critics of all critics. (love you guys!) 
One thing that really scares me is that someone might steal my idea.  There is one person who seems to have taken off on my idea when they asked me about the premise of my writing.  So now I really don't want to share in fear of being betrayed.  I know that sounds crazy, but I am writing from deep inside and it would hurt to have someone take advantage of that. There is a part of me that wants to share it because it is something that I have put so much time and energy in, but then the thought of it being slammed or even laughed at scares me.  Obviously I am considering it or I wouldn't be writing about it here. 
I suppose when the time is right, I will share something.