My Niece Jessica.....

This post is about my Niece Jessica (Nancy's daughter). She was born with severe heart defects over 20 years ago and wasn't given much of a chance to survive very long at all. She is still around and prooving all the Doctors wrong! She had 5 heart surgeries where she had 2 strokes. She has over come a lot of things, and continues to fight daily for her life. She is very young at heart (like a six-yr-old)but fights like a Soldier. She is considered terminal and has been for years, but she is determined to stick around. She and Marcus have always had a bond and spent a lot of time together when they were little children. She has always been Marcus' biggest fan during the 2 years he was fighting his cancer. These 2 pictures are the last time Jessica and Marcus saw each other. These were taken in November 2007 when we went to Tucson for Thanksgiving. I know she wouldn't mind if I told you, but Jessica dreams of Marcus a lot. He has been checking up on her and making sure she is doing ok.

This picture is of Jessica holding her Aligator named Marcus. She chose that name because Marcus is brave and strong like an Aligator. Marcus is holding a star that Jessica made him to hang in his room to remember her by.

Jessica LOVES parties, especially barbie or princess ones. In this picture is Natalie (Stuarts daugter), Marissa (far left) Julie (far right)...both Alices' daughters, then Jessica.



This is Jessica with her brother Brandon. (and Marissa trying to sneak in) What a cute kid Brandon is.

Jessica's body is slowing down and things have gotten so painful for her. There is nothing more they can do for her, so we pray that things go quickly when they start getting really bad. It is a comfort to know that Marcus will be there for her, but just thinking about what she has to go through breaks me heart. It breaks my heart for her whole family who have struggled their whole lives having to deal with all this. Knowing what my sister has to do rips me apart and makes me wish I could take that all away. No one should have to experience that, but somehow and for a reason only God knows, we have to do it. It is my faith that gets me through all this and I know that it will all be worth it someday.

Please keep Jessica, Nancy and Karl, Justen, Branden, and Austin in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

My family...

I have been missing my family lately. I have been looking at some pictures of them from Christmas and from Marcus' Funeral. I thought I would share with you some pictures of my wonderful Taylor Family. (I will post John's family later, too many pictures!)

Here are my Parents: Ron and Julie Taylor. They live in Colonia Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico.

This is my oldest brother Brian and his wife Melanie. This is the only one I could find of them together. I have to explain this picture. Melanie shaved her head to cheer Marcus up when he was was going through his chemo again. I think she looks great!

This is my baby brother, Stuart, and his wife Clarissa. They are expecting baby # 3 in May and its another girl!!! We are so excited! They live in Arizona.

This is my other little brother, John, and his wife Mandy. They live in California and we love when they come visit.

This is my older sister Nancy, and her husband Karl. They live in Tucson Az.

This is my baby sister Alice and her husband Chuy with her cute family. Jesse, Julie, Marissa, and baby Hyrum. (Yes she is my biological sister) They live in Tucson Az. as well.

Confessions.....

I figured that if I came clean in public that I would HAVE to do something about it. I am pretty embarrassed about it and have pretty much left my grief and stress to blame for my complete failure to take care of myself and my family.

As most of you may know, and those who don't, I will tell you. I have gained a lot of weight the last 2 years, but especially since we returned from Hawaii. (I did lose about 15 lbs before the trip which was a great feat) I know that seems like a petty thing, but this has finally gone too far. Since our arrival from Hawaii we were constantly in the hospital for Marcus and treatments etc. My Mom came for a month, left and then we just had people bringing meals. I don't think I cooked a single meal for months! So after all was said and done, Marcus was gone, family was gone, I walked into my kitchen and felt like I didn't know what to do, so I walked out. I tried a week or so later to go back in and cook, but I just fell apart. Dinner was our time together. There were so many days that I started fixing dinner and had to leave it. Not sure why, I have never been a big fan of cooking, but never to the point of tears and a break down! As many of you saw, I put pictures up in the living room, and cleaned out Marcus's closet. THOSE are the things that should bring me down, but cooking dinner for my family?

John, poor man, has tried to cover my spot as cook and has done a wonderful job. He is so much more than I deserve. But of course he is only human, he can't do it all, especially since he has been given more work to do at work.

I haven't been the Mom my boys need because I have been so selfish. Because of this problem, I have gained so much weight, that I have put my own health at risk. This last week has been a huge wake-up call for me. I have had head-aches for the last 2 weeks, but last week I had them so bad I was nauseated and vomiting. My neck and shoulders have been in so much pain. I went to a chiropractor thinking that would help my headaches and my neck, only to find out that my blood-pressure is sky-high! He has helped with all my headaches and things but my bloodpressure is still a problem. Monday morning I will be calling my Dr. and seeing what he can do to help me get this under control. Sure, many can say that stress and grief can be a health hazard, BUT if I had been on top of taking care of myself and my family I know I would not be in this situation.

So this is my confession and hopefully my inspiration to "Gird up my loins, fresh courage take".

Mothers of Children with Cancer.

I "stole" this from another blog of a family who lost their 14-yr-old daughter to Brain Cancer. It was beautiful and thought there would be others that would enjoy this.

THE CHOSEN MOTHERS
By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a
few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As HE observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger....

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew, Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia, Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

But does she have patience?" asked the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has its own
world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."

“No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she was here by My side.”

"And what about her patron Saint?" asked the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiled. "A mirror will suffice."

Jackson is 7!

Happy Birthday Jackson!!!

Don't ask me what that is all about.

Time flies when you are having sooo much fun! On January 15th, Jackson turned 7. He has grown up so much the last year, but still has his wild days. I had to get all the goofy shots in with all the good ones so bear with me on putting so many pictures. He really is a joy to have around! We did end up going bowling, but I forgot the camera, dangit! Its a good thing... I only scored 6 points in my first 4 frames!!! YIKES!!

P.S. Notice the big scratch on his face from our new cat. Maybe someday he will learn...sigh

P.S.S. Also I put 2 posts up today, this one and the next one.

What do you say?

When people ask how many kids I have, I say 4. That goes into how old. I really don't like making people feel uncomfortable by saying that Marcus has died and it also cuts me to the core every time I have to say those words. I know its the reality and I can't hide or ignore Marcus. He is my son, my firstborn and every parenting experience that I have had in my life has been with him. When I am in a conversation with others and they are talking about different things that their children do, why does it get so uncomfortable when I say that Marcus did the same thing or when I say something about him at all? It hurts more just thinking about not counting him as my child or keeping my mouth closed and to pretend like he doesn't count.

Today I went to Jackson's class to talk to them about Jackson, to show some pictures because his birthday was last week. He was sitting next to me and I was explaining the dynamics of our family. I said Jackson is the youngest in our family so I asked him how many older brothers he has (DUMB MOM) he looked at me with a questioning face and help up 2 fingers. It broke my heart!!! I said, no you have 3 and so I had him name them. He said Noah, Aaron... then looked at me with sad eyes and couldn't say his name, so I had to say "Marcus" for him. OUCH! I had no idea that was an issue with him. At home we talk about Marcus all the time, and how we are an eternal family, but I am guessing that he feels the same way I do. "What do you say?" There is no way around it, it's going to hurt. I don't like saying.."well, I have 4 boys, 3 living and 1 in heaven"... well, something to that effect, it just sounds bleck to me. I would rather say he died. So there is my issue for the day...........IT SUCKS! I think I'm ready for a diet coke and my chocolate right about now!

Oh how I miss this face!!!!

Relay for life 2008

I just wanted to share what a friend of mine (Heide Randall) did for the Relay for Life in VA last May. It is a video that she put together of her "Wall of Courage" that she had displayed there. The facts about Pediatric Brain Tumors are astounding. Please visit this site, Marcus is included in it, as well as Jessica, who is Heide's daughter. Heide has been very active in Childhood Cancer Awareness with a lot of support for Pediatric Brain Tumors. Jessica passed away in 2007 from the same kind of Cancer that Marcus had called "Anaplastic Astrocytoma".

Thanks Heide for all the work you do to get the word out about Childhood Cancer, as well as Pediatric Brain Tumors. You are amazing!

http://heidster.com/relay_2008/virtual_wall/index2.html

New Music

I updated the music here on my blog. I decided to put some music that I like, but also some that reminds me of Marcus. After all, this place is very therapeutic for me as I deal with all this so I figured I would put some music as well.
Marcus enjoyed classical music and really didn't listen to a lot of "pop-music" until he was about 13 or 14. (Except for the music I listened to) I know he had friends that came over and asked to see his music collection and pulled faces at his CD's. He would also play his baritone and pick out songs he would hear that he really enjoyed. For his Grandmothers 70th birthday party, he played a solo of Shenandoah. He loved playing that at home as well.
The Gladiator he did play in band, but his favorite part was "the battle" (mine too). There is a lot of low brass in that music that is beautiful and I loved hearing him practice it at home. He also played Pirates of the Carribean, but so did Aaron. They played from different ones, so I just like them all since I can hear the french horn and the baritone.
Muse, and the Lullaby are my favorites, OF COURSE. They are from the movie Twilight. Those books got me through the 2 months of Marcus' recurrence and lots of time in the hospital. The Aaron Neville is for John. He has always love him and the Neville brothers, plus that music is just a feel good song telling me that its ok to have a good time.
So that is probably way more information than you cared to hear about, but its good therapy for me, I guess.

My living room.

I finally put up (all by myself, mind you, with plaster walls and using MY drill) the big frame that has all 4 boys 8x10's in them, plus I put up the beautiful sign that Clary made for me last year, right above it.
I also rearranged my photos and things on the built-in shelves in the corner. The 2 figures on the 2nd shelf were given to us by our Bishop's family and a few neighborhood friends.
The next photo is of our entry-way with our entertainment center. I know its pretty cluttered right now, but I am working on it. And PLEASE don't look at the curtains! They are as old as our house and I am going to paint and get rid of those soon!!
The pictures in the frame sitting on top of our Etertainment center are the ones of Marcus that I found on the internet. Next to it is the Statue that I got the boys for Christmas.
Well, I hope that is all I have cause it has been a pain to put them up for some reason.
Also, I almost feel like I need to put something else by the big long frame. I don't know, John likes it like this. We will see.
Here you go Mom and Nancy. Now you can see my dirty, cluttered house and my new stuff up. =0P

Happy New Year!

It really has been a tough week for our family. The holidays have been a lot harder than I thought they would be, on all of us. The kids struggled some, but mostly I have of course. We were going to have our New Years Eve party with the Rowbury's like we have the last 2 years, but Jackson got sick with the stomach junk, so we just stayed home and played some games and hung out.
On New Years day we went out to the cemetery to check on our UofA snowdude. When we drove into the cemetary, we saw that someone on the other side of the cemetery put up a huge Christmas Tree. So we turned left and drove down this other way to look at the tree. While we were stopped, a completely white dove walked across the road. John drove up a little more, and the dove didn't fly away, it just walked slowly. We sat and watched it for a little while knowing that Marcus sent that dove to us. You really don't see white doves, much less in the middle of winter in Utah. What a beautiful sign of love he sent to us to let us know he is with us.

FINALLY SUNSHINE!!!

I can't even tell you how much difference my whole mood is when the sun is out! After what seems like weeks, we finally have a day with the sun shining, blue sky and just a few light clouds!! I have never been too particular about sunshine, but now that I am still not quite back to myself, sunshine makes a world of difference.
It's amazing how much comfort our crazy cat brings to all of us, especially me. Stella knows when I am upset and comes running into my room. I am not sure if she likes get the tissues that I use, or if she really is concerned about me, but I don't care. Of course I was ready to throw her out last night! Yesterday when we bought her cat food, we bought her a new toy. She loves it so much she kept bringing it in our bed and tried to play with it there. I think I will be hiding that thing tonight! I have to remember, she still is a kitten and she wants to play! OK, now I know I have lost it.... I have "blogged" about my dumb cat....lol.

Merry Christmas!

Well, it has been a very difficult Christmas for our family, I am not going to try and hide that. We did have so many good people give us a lot of great gifts and many were dropped off at our doorstep, which really was a fun thing and cheered us up. Thanks so much for all those endearing gifts that let us know that you are thinking of us. We truly are so grateful for your tender and beautiful thoughts and gifts. And for whoever dropped off the Jars, it touched our family so deeply. Thank you for and may the Lord bless you all for your service and thoughtfulness.
OK... to liven things up a bit and to include Marcus this day, Melanie had the idea a while ago to build a snowman out by his headstone. So that is just what we did. Our boys, Brian and some of his kids came out and we built a Uof A snow man. The little boys built some forts and had snowball fights. It really turned into a fun activity even though it was raining. We felt Marcus' presence a lot the last few days and know he is near us. We are so blessed to have that.
I thought that this really captured his face. The 1/2 smile we really had to include because that was his pleasant smile. (you can see kids in the background playing... don't worry, no one is burried back there...lol) Brian gave up a University of Arizona hat for the occation. Thanks, I am sure we can get you another one! The next picture is Melanie, Brian, Aaron and John. Also not in the picture was Ruth, Lisa, and myself. We never thought that making a snowman would ever be so much fun until today. It is so different when we are doing it for someone, especially Marcus. The only thing is, that right after we left, the big blizzard started,
and we aren't sure what is left of our snow dude. We will have to head out there tomorrow and see what is still around. I sure hope he is still standing. He looked AWESOME!

I need a Donut pillow!

I have lived here 5 yrs almost and I still don't know how to walk on ice and snow! I went out to get the mail yesterday (I even put on my snow boots, so I wouldn't slip) and I wasn't paying much attention (reading CARDS!) and I stepped on the ice. I know it must have looked funny, because it was just like in the cartoons... my left foot slips so I catch myself with my right, it slips, I try to catch myself again with my left leg but to no avail... I was on my tailbone and my back... BAM! I hopped up so that if any of my neighbors saw me, they wouldn't call 911 and make a huge ordeal of it. Oh man, after sitting down for about an hour, I could feel the burn starting from my legs, through my hips and tailbone, my back and my arms (from where I tried to catch myself). This morning I am doing ok. Bending, sitting and lying down are a little painful, but I don't think I really hurt anything. I know my knee is kinda bothering me (the one I had surgery on 4 years ago after falling on ice) but I think it is OK. I can walk just fine. But we are getting more snow and the Temps aren't supposed to get up higher than 25 degrees for the next few weeks. OH I LOVE UTAH!
The boys are happy though. They LOVE the snow. Aaron is excited cause he wants to snowboard. Noah especially loves it, he and Jackson were out playing in it after dark last night, thanks to a rather large streetlamp right across the street. We have a little hill and the boys love to sled down it and try to snowboard down it as well.
Tomorrow is the High School's program of "Christmas Fantasy". It is a play-like concert and all the band members dress up in toy costumes. It is really cute. Aaron wants to wear Marcus' old band uniform and be a toy soldier. Not sure how that is going to work... but OK. That will be fun to go to and get in the holiday mood.... I HOPE.

The Headstone Pictures

As you can see, I got a nice pretty day after the snow storm. The sky was so blue, I had to include it along with the jet trails. I thought it was great that I could hear them while I was there. It is amazing that he is around me in so many ways.
While I was there, I was trying to take a picture with my cell phone. Well, amazingly my memory was full...(imagine that! Jackson and Noah love to take pictures). So I sat there deleting all these crazy pictures that the little boys had taken. I did keep some cause they do make some funny faces. Anyway... Close to the end of the pictures I found a picture that I had totally forgotten that I had taken last summer. It is a picture of my 4 boys sitting on a gate a Lagoon, all wet from going on one of the wet rides. All of them smiling like they are having the time of their life, except Aaron, he got the wettest and was probably the coldest. But there was Marcus's cute smile staring at me while I stand at his grave. VERY surreal! I sat there and shed a few tears thinking he just wanted me to know he was there. I am so thankful for the little Tender Mercies I receive everyday. They get me through each day.
I also had to include the beautiful view from Marcus' graveside. It was such a beautiful day that I had to post it. This is why I love living here. Whether there is snow, rain or sun this Valley is so beautiful. I just love it. It is a very peaceful place to live and raise kids. Not to mention the people here are just remarkable. They have blessed me and my children. I honestly believe that it takes a community to raise a child, and this place sure does a great job!

I hope you like the stone, it is a dark green color, and when the sun first comes up over the mountains you can really see the beautiful green colors. I am sure he is happy with it.

(p.s. in the last picture, the headstone in the far right side is Clarissa Packer's)

Its Up.

I got a call from my friend (Kristin Packer, Clarissa's Mother) and asked me if I had been out to the cemetery today, which I hadn't because we had an inch of snow and still some coming down today. She told me that Marcus' Headstone was up. She had been out there to put something by Clarissa's headstone and she saw it. This was around 4:30 p.m. and the sun goes down around 5:30 WITHOUT clouds and we had a lot of them. So I ran out there and was able to see it a little, but not the full effect.
What a bittersweet moment. Kristin was right, it sure brings closure, but it makes things so real and permanent. Pretty strange to see his name in stone, with a birth date and that death date. Very surreal. When things dry out a little, and the sun is out, I will go and take pictures of it. It really is beautiful.

Plan Designs

Here are the plans for Marcus' Headstone. There are just a few adjustments to make but tomorrow we should be ordering it.
We couldn't decide on the scripture or the verse from Come, Come Ye Saints, so we put both.
The scripture is from Marcus' book of Mormon. He had this scripture marked with a highlighter and with a piece of paper, so I am sure it meant something to him. Marcus got a lot of strength from the Pioneers and the scriptures so this is what he would have wanted. Hope you enjoy it.

When I get where I am going....Video

Here is a Song that John sent to me from work. He loves it and says it makes him think of Marcus. It is a beautiful song from Brad Paisley with Dolly Parton in the background.
I posted the words under the song.

When I get where I am going....

Here are the lyrics to the song that my dear sweet hubby sent to me.
Its a great song!

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

On a good ...."NOTE"

As I write this, my cute little Aaron is in Salt Lake with the Band performing on national television (well, sort of) during 1/2 time of the professional Soccer team "REAL Salt Lake" soccer game. It is soooo cold! But I am sooooooooo proud of my Aaron. He is such a sweet, caring, talented, adorable young man. He has been my "little ray of sunshine" throughout all of this. He hates it when I say that, but he is. That smile just gives my heart a leap of joy.
He has had his way of dealing with things the last few weeks with headaches, migraines, tention, sinus infection, upset stomach and has missed a lot of school. Unfortunately he gets all that from me. I am the anxiety queen! He has had this since he was a baby. He was my colic baby, and if we left home at all he cried and cried. As a toddler he would throw up if people came to visit or if we traveled anywhere. I think he has vomited on every relative we know! (Sorry to embarass you Aaron, but thats what moms do!) He has been in the background of Marcus' trial, but has been the backbone of our family. He takes over when he has to and takes good care of his brothers. I remember when Marcus was diagnosed. We went home, told the boys, packed the 3 of them up and shipped them to a neighbors house. It broke my heart to leave Aaron, knowing he fully understood what was happening, but to kiss him goodbye to take Marcus to Salt Lake, I almost felt like I was choosing between my children. I will never forget what impact that must have had on him.
The Lord gave me Aaron, to lighten my up my load, to shine a light on my darkness, and to keep me laughing when I want to cry. I have been so blessed to have all my boys, but Aaron has been such a comfort in my life. I know the Lord loves me because of the children he sent me, what a blessing.

Services

Marcus' services were just beautiful. It was a gorgeous day and everything went perfectly.
This is what we saw as we exited the Services. The Marching Band was lined up so that the casket and the family walked through them. It was so moving to see and hear these beautiful children with tears running down their cheeks, some even sobbing. I wanted to hug them all. They meant so much to Marcus.
After that, we went out to the cemetery for the dedication of the grave and a short program there. John's brother Matt said a few words, then a few of the Band kids played a quintet of "Come, Come ye Saints" which was Marcus's favorite Hymn. After that, the Band slowly left marching to the beat of one drum as though they had just performed. Where afterwards they were dismissed. It was a heart-wrenching act for all of us, but such a tribute to Marcus. I know he was so pleased and honored to be respected in this way. They are such an amazing bunch of kids. I have never seen any kids like these anywhere else we have lived. They really are a family of their own. Thank you Mountain Crest Marching Band, you kids are the best. Thank you for being a part of Marcus.


The day of Marcus' passing, text messages began to fly to kids around the valley. Monday morning around 200 kids were dressed in their best dress to show respect for Marcus. They took a picture of all these kids in the Gym at school holding a sign that said "We (heart) Marcus". The executive council from the High School presented this picture to me after the grave-side services. I was deeply touched and moved to see tears in their eyes as well. What a wonderful place we live in. I am so impressed with this, especially with the horrible things going on in this world. It is definitely a sign that these children are being taught whats right.
Thank you to all of you who helped in anyway with the Funeral Services and the Family Dinner afterwards. It all was just amazing and so comforting to have so many be there to help us through all of this.