ME!

Just thought it would be fun to show some pictures of myself  when I was a little girl.  Of course in that process, I will humiliate my siblings and parents with some "not-so-stylish" photos!

Here I am with my dear little brother, John.  This was my first day of kindergarten... YES!  I had a broken arm and not my first broken bone either!  I broke my first bone, collarbone.. can't remember which one, when I was just 1 year old.  When I was the ripe old age of 2, I broke the other collarbone.  I don't remember these events, but I do remember later on in my Kindergarten year tripping and cutting my forehead open on the coffee table.  My friend Cheryl Wagner and I were dancing (I know, you can't imagine ME.. DANCING?? OH and I think "dancing" is the reason for broken collarbone #2!) and the coffee table got in my way.  

Blood running down into my eyes, my brave mother, who was now getting used to the "green hospital" and Dr. Salas, sat and held me while we waited in the "emergency room".  I remember the Dr. speaking English in his strong Spanish accent about how brave I was, while sticking a needle between my eyes to numb the area, then using a curved needle (I watched him through dried bloodied eyes) and sewed my head together again.  I remember I didn't fight him, and I didn't cry while he did all of this.  It surprises me I remember so much of it, but I was determined NOT to cry.  Brave is what I was going to be for good 'ol Doctor Salas who at one time said "She is the champion of broken bones, yes, the CHAMPION".  I think that was after I chipped my elbow a few years later. 

Family Home Evening was a big part of my childhood. I can't remember the lesson, but I had a scribbled on my crown and Nancy (my sister sitting on the arm of the couch) had a pretty tiara!  I bet mine was done REALLY fast compared to the others.  (left to right: Brian, John, my DAD, Me and Nancy)  I remember my mom being the Den Mother of my brothers Cub Scouts.  My Mom told me that I would say "My Mom is the dumb mother of the scrub scouts".  I realize now that I cursed myself. I now have 4 boys who all have been cub scouts, and I have been the dumb mother FOR SURE! 

What a great picture! I love this because my parents look sooooo young! (left to right: Nancy, Mom, Me on her lap, Dad, John on his lap, and Brian)
I will openly admit that those are MY PANTIES showing!  I was NOT a prissy girl, I hated dresses and sitting still for photos was NOT my favorite thing to do.  I imagine myself squirming out of my mothers arms to the floor and running off as fast as I could after the camera snapped.  John, on the other hand, probably took another nap.  Poor John was always having to wait for Mom to take care of me first because I couldn't wait!   

Here we are, a little older, and probably not as wise as I should have been.  The red around my lips is all chapped because I would sit and lick my lips over and over again until they were sore.  My Dad always put the yucky Bistix on my lips that would sting until tears came.  My parents now believe that it was probably a food allergy.  I think that could have been it, but now that I know I suffer from anxiety and depression, it could have been an allergy to start with then ended up being a nervous habit.  I  am sure I would have been the poster child for ADHD if they had known about it then. I could never concentrate on anything and it was so frustrating!!  John read before me, he would correct my reading while I did my homework from Kindergarten and he was only 4.  Of course that didn't change when we got into high school.   He could do my chemistry better than I could.  I think the only reason I never had to redo a grade was my knowledge that if I did, I would have to be in my little smarty-pants- brothers class with him!  UGH!  No way! 
We did have our moments,  John and I, we had the same friends (most of the time) except when I was chasing boys!  He tried to blackmail me a few times, but then I discovered a few secrets of his! We were only 20 months apart in age, but sometimes it felt like twins!
All in all, I had a wonderful childhood living in a place so unique.  I am thankful for my heritage.  Only a few can say that they were born and raised in Mexico, but have no hispanic blood, speaking english and spanish while attending an LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, aka... Mormon) school system.  I love the Mexican culture and consider it part of my culture.  Someone once told me.. "Gee, I am glad I am not in your shoes, I would be so confused as to what race or culture I belonged to.  You are not accepted in the Mexican culture cause you are white, but then you really don't completely fit into the white culture either."  This is very true. Even more confusing when I married a catholic- born, east-coast, big city boy who didn't realize what a white, farmer/ranchers daughter, from mexico, LDS grown, small-town, hic-from-the-stix, girl could be like.  CRAZY... just plain CRAZY!!

12 Years Old!

 

April 28th, 1999 was a day that my prayers were answered.  I got my sweet Noah. 

Going back to an earlier time, we had spent 2 years trying to concieve another child.  In April 1998, we got the news that our waiting was over.  We were elated and felt we had been so blessed to finally concieve again.  I thought for sure that this one would be the daughter I always dreamed of having. My due date was to be on December 24th, which to me was a definite sign of an angel coming. I felt the Lord tell me how special this child was. I was overwhelmed with emotions.

On May 10th, Mexico's Mothers Day, I went in to full labor and ended up saying good bye to my sweet unknown, but deeply loved baby. I mourned so much for my precious child that I would never hold. 

As the summer was ending, I was still sure that the Lord had another one for us. He didn't make us wait long, just 4 months after losing our baby, it was confirmed that we would have baby #4 and the due date would be MAY 10th! The same day I lost my baby! This time I knew this precious child would be the one who was meant for our family.  I did not have a preference as to a boy or a girl, (well, not as much as before) but my husband knew from that moment, this was Noah.  John continued to call him Noah the entire pregnancy, so by the time my little, tiny, Noah (7 lbs 2 oz, 19 inches long) made his entrance (with a few little bumps along the way) We couldn't call him anything else. 

Noah Lynn Russell was born in Sierra Vista, Arizona.  We couldnt ask for a better baby!  He brought a peace to our home and does to this day.  He is the only one who could have been Jackson's big brother, Marcus and Aaron's younger brother, so full of love and kindness.  The Lord blessed us with a calm before the storm (Jackson) and a peacemaker in our home.  Noah, who still is quite small for his age, dreams of playing for the NBA or the NFL. "Whichever one I feel like playing when I grow up" he says.  Noah is my organized child, my artistic child, and a party planner!!  When I am having bad days, he is always one to give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me.  His laughter brings joy to my heart and soul.

Tomorrow, May 1st 2011, my Noah will be ordained a Deacon in the Aaronic Priesthood.  He has chosen to do this, and will be ordained by his Father.  He will be able to serve in our Church, by passing the Sacrament (Communion) to the congregation.  We are so proud of our Noah, who is growing into a young man. 

To top it all off, he just got a certificate for making the Honor Roll!! He worked very hard all year to finally reach this goal in his 3rd quarter!!  It was a great accomplishment for him, especially adjusting to middle school!  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NOAH!!





Joys in life.

Despite the fact that it is 39.9 degrees outside, snowing heavily, and it is March 25th today, I am feeling rather good!  Snuggling up on my bed with my favorite quilt, my cat asleep at my feet, and my laptop in hand, I feel GREAT!

Reconnecting with one of my most dearest friends last weekend seemed to heal a place in my heart, let some sunshine in, and brighten my path.

Watching the NCAA basketball tournament with my boys has been a highlight right now since our team, the University of Arizona, is doing so great.  Sometimes I think someone is going to crash through our floor to the basement with the way we are all cheering!

A new hair color and style has given me a whole new sense of being.  Jenni, my cousin, used her magic on me.  A fresh new look gives me a boost of energy, confidence, and overall joy.  I know it's just my hair, but for me, it really helps. 

My conversation with Jackson on the way home from school today made me laugh out loud.

Me: "Jackson, when you think of others before yourself, you feel good inside.  When you continue to do this, others will be more considerate of you" 

Jackson: " It will also get girls to be more attracted to you!" 

Watching as my son continues to grow up and learn more about becoming a man;  his drivers licence, his first interview, his first job, preparing for a mission and for college. 

Noah getting ready to turn 12 and receive the Priesthood next month.  Watching how he is really growing, physically (FINALY) and emotionally.  He will be attending his first week-long scout camp!  How did he get here already?

John and I sharing our new way of life brings me the most joy.  Changing the way we live is hard for both of us, but doing it together is bringing us together, reconnecting in a way we haven't in a very long time.  It's like we are getting to know each other again, finding new strengths, and pulling together to achieve one goal. 

The Beauty of Friends.

The Lord leads us to the people we need in our lives when we need them most. Over the 40-something years I have been on this earth, I have been given some of the best friends. As life goes on and changes take place, we move forward.  We have grown from the bond, the love, laughter, joy, sorrow, and experiences from the path that we shared.  When our paths part for one reason or another, we carry each other in our hearts and this union we have created still exists. 
Arriving on our new path, we join others who share this new journey and we form new bonds, new faces of love, laughter, joy, sorrow, growing from each other.
Every once in a while we find someone who knows us better than we know ourselves, someone who has been with us through the hardest times in our lives, someone whose strength, beauty, and love seem to come from somewhere else.  My beliefs are, just as a family is forever, so are these friends.  That time, distance, trials, and bumps in the road will never sever the spiritual bond that exists.  I am so blessed to have at least 2 in my life.  My heart is full today for those women who love so unconditionally, and give me strength.  The Lord blesses me in so many ways.

Awakening!

Coming out of a coma only to realize that I don't recognize myself, both physically and definitely not mentally.  Sure I have looked in the mirror everyday for my entire life, but the last few years have been with blinders on.  Slowly, little by little, I have had little clues that things just aren't OK.  My first big hint was when I saw someone who has known me since I was born.  I haven't seen her in years, but she would know me instantly.  When I went up to hug her, she had no idea who I was.  Even after I told her, she was trying to put it all together. 
I have seen pictures of myself, knew that I was gaining weight, but I was so involved with Grief that I just did NOT CARE!  For years I have not cared what I looked like, not cared if I was healthy or not, NOT CARED whether or not if what I was doing would eventually shorten my life.
One day, the lights came on! A new set of eyes opened and I saw myself.  REALLY saw what I had become.  THIS is not the person I planned on becoming.  THIS is not the place I planned on being.  I was in a HOLE. 
More importantly, I looked toward my Heavenly Father and felt sorrow.  Where is the woman I was working toward?  When I was a little girl, THIS is not who imagined, who I dreamed I would be. What have I done and how do I change it?
With support of a loving husband, I am attacking from every angle I know how.  We are working together to find ourselves again.  To find out what we are made of.. 

Families Can Be Together Forever

I learned this song as a child many years ago and has been a favorite. Now this message is what I hold on to daily. It has become a focus in my life. The Lord wants us to be happy in this life, as well as the next. This is why He has promised us eternal life with those we love the most, our families. It is not an automatic given, this Promise he made, there are certain requirements to this. We have to work for it. We have to live as He would have us live. Loving, sharing, caring, serving, living as our Savior did.

I have been in some dark places as of late and I know that light and darkness cannot reside in the same place. I have had many messages given to me stating I need to let the light in and turn toward the future, to the day when I will have all my boys with me again. That means I have a lot of work to do to get there. I have boys to raise, to make sure they will be with me as well, and an amazing husband to take me through it all.
Doctrine and Covenants 14:7 "And if you keep my commnadments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

Just things...

These are just THINGS, but they pull at my heart while making me smile.

Someone else could just see these and think,"thats just STUFF"

But to me they are all that I have and what I hang on to when I miss him so much

I just can't stand it. 

 The Helmet that was given to him by pilots from the AFB, which he desperately wanted to try on over his puffy, swollen bald head. Plus the hat that he wore till it was almost rags.



The poster to remember his trip to the golden spike with his Grandparents, his necklace from Hawaii, his dogtags he wore and a flag from a spray from his funeral. 

Band pictures that were framed by the Band Parents and signed by the kids, with his MC band hat that he loved to wear.   

Oh how he loved his hats. The Arizona hat was one of his cherished ones, and hardly took it off for anything and it shows.  

 The Patriot Wall; a plaque with a photo of him sitting in an F-16, his flag, and his last suvenior; the poster of  the USS ARIZONA from Hawaii

 The bookshelf he built with his own hands the last semester of school he could attend, which holds the many books on aviation and his religious books he was studying for his mission. 

 The monkey he got from a crane machine and a picture of all of us from a while ago.

The movies that he loved (notice the History of Aviation and Planet Earth)  

 The very few sport pictures of him, the star from Make a Wish, Hot wheels that he collected, his phone case and his good luck Tiki from Hawaii. 

The box he made, scout badges, the classical CD's that I still can't listen to, his Marine Corps Stickers, the pilot rubber duck that Aaron bought for him (he had a collection of rubber duckies too), and a book with his pictures from his trip alone to NY to see his Grand-Pop and Ali.  

The model planes that he couldn't finish.  He insisted he couldn't leave until he finished them.   

The bed where he slept, where his brothers play, nap, watch movies and hang out.  It's where I go to feel at peace, remember and feel him close around me. 

Some may think I am not quite right because I leave his THINGS where he left them.  To me and my boys it's where they have always belonged.  We can't put away our love for him or pretend he was never here, so we keep his THINGS where we can see them.  They have become a part of us now, just like he were here.

Lifes blessings.

Life is continuing on, and we face new opportunities and experiences. Time gives us a chance to heal, but also gives us chances to make new memories everyday.

Sometimes we are even given chances to do the things that we have dreamed of doing. I know that as a young boy, John (my manly husband) and his little brother, would record themselves on a tape recorder acting out parts as if on a news radio show.  John took the part as sports reporter very seriously. One recording exists where Matt turned time over to the sports, John introduced himself saying:  "I am John Perry Russell and I'm black".  I am sure John was not the first boy to ever want to be black.  As a lot of sport-loving boys, they all want to have the gift and skill of sports. Well, John is now living a dream that he wanted to do. (No, I don't mean being black) 

At the begining of last fall, John was a regular caller into the local radio show called "Full court press".  Eric, a host on the show, neighbor, and also a member of our bishopric, asked him to try out for a spot on the show that was opening up.  John took the opportunity, not actually thinking it would work out. After doing a few shows, John was asked to become a permanent voice on Full Court Press. When he approached me with the idea, I could see the sparkle in his eyes.  There is no way I could even think about denying him something like this where he could talk about one of his loves in life... sports!  Not only that, it is a talent he has.
Now he is working 3 jobs!  He still attends City Council and works hard at that as well as his "day job".  One thing is for sure, the radio is his way to unwind and enjoy.  He is on air almost daily, especially since they asked him to do the Post-game shows after the Utah State University basketball games. 
John is the most amazing man I have ever known.  He has had so much to deal with, especially since we got married.  I just know that he is being blessed for being such an understanding husband and father.  He has learned patience dealing with me and my craziness of ups and such low lows.  Depression and anxiety has ruled my life so much these last six months, I am amazed he has stood next to me and loved me none the less.  He truly is a man with love, patience and understanding.
We joke about ESPN calling and offering a permanent spot, which I am sure he would grab, but in my heart I know he will be happy with what he is given here, a place where we have been blessed so much and have grown solid roots in the ground.  I guess all those years ago (when I was 16), driving through this Valley and thinking... I want to raise my children here... wasn't just a coincidence.  I felt it then.  Cache Valley, Utah, is now our home.  Not sure I will ever want to leave!!

Thanksgiving Day, Part II

After posting my thoughts and deep feelings about this Thanksgiving, I took my family and went over to my dear friend, Julie's, for a scrumptious dinner with all the works.  I got to visit with her family, that is almost like my own now.  Moving downstairs, the video game "Just Dance" became the big hit of the day.  What a blast!!  The object was to move to the music the way the figure on the screen was doing, using the wii remote.

Just Dance 2 Wii - Move your Feet - Junior Senior

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I had forgotten what it was like to get up and dance like that, I truly enjoyed doing what I could.  Of course after only 2 LONG dances, ones that I ended up victorious against my boys and "the ladies" in the house, I collapsed.  I am thinking this would be a great gift for Santa to bring our family.  Not only did the boys enjoy it, I LOVED it.  As my councilor advised me to do, I will try something new.  Of course today I am FEELING it all over!!  My knees are swollen and I ache all over... but we had a great time together as a family and that is something I know we need more of. 

After my body had had enough of that, I went over to see my "Other Mother and Sister" Nila and Jenni Partington.  As I got into my van and started out my driveway, it all hit.  The tears, the pain and the sobs began.  Before I knew it, I was at the cemetary, in the dark, the temperature about 5 degrees, in almost a foot of snow, on my hands and knees digging the snow off of his headstone.  I found the batman figure and plane burried deep, when I did, I grabbed them and cleaned them off.  Still sobbing, I pulled them into my chest.  I continued to wipe the snow off of the flowers, off of his windchimes.  The pain kept coming and so did the tears and the sobs.  I think I was only there about 10 minutes before my sanity started to kick back in.  Wiping the snow, the tears and smeared makeup off my face, I tried to decide where I was going to go.  If I went home, I would be alone, (boys were still at Julie's) so I tried to put myself together and continued to drive over to Nila's.  I knew if anyone, she and Jenni could cheer me up. 

The one thing they can do is laugh.  Just after a few minutes all 3 of us were laughing and giggling.  I am so blessed to have so many friends and family close by.  They give me strength, love and courage to get up and go on with life.  To enjoy the moments I have now.   

Thanksgiving 2010

This has been a memorable Thanksgiving so far. We had a blizzard 2 days ago that left us in the brutal cold. Temperatures last night were –15 degrees and 15 degrees for a high today. 

We also have had a visitor in our home.  My dear best friend, Julie, has some amazing children;  Kyle, Chelsea, Chandra and Bailey.  Since we moved here over 6 years ago,  our family and her family have become close.  We consider them part of the family.  Well, Chandra… who just graduated from high school and went off to Snow College this fall, got engaged!  The wedding is set for December 28th, 2010!  I am excited for her.  I was a little worried at first, because of her age, but now that I have gotten to know Taylor a little better, I am very happy for her.  Taylor is staying at our house while they are here since they have a rule that no-one’s unmarried significant other can sleep at their house.  I am thrilled for them both, and feel like they will do well. 

Having these distractions have been good for me.  I have had my moments of feeling sorry for myself.  Yesterday I even told my co-worker this.. “I just don’t like the Holiday’s anymore”!!  Wow!  This time of the year has always been my favorite since I can remember.  Now it seems like the pain just comes and I just absorb it all. 
This morning I was going through some blogs of some friends of mine.  I have some friends who have gone through similar life experiences as myself, one of them is Tammy.  Her son Nick, passed away from a brain tumor just about a month after I lost Marcus.  She also lost a daughter to SIDS years before.  I am sure the Lord has given us each other to learn and help each other.  Well, at least He has given her to me to help me on these days when I miss Marcus with so much pain. Today on her blog, My Heart his Words , she mentioned all that she was thankful for and reminded me that I have a choice.  I have a choice to sit and feel the pain of my loss, or pick myself up and enjoy the day filled with family and friends.  I have a choice to bring the spirit of joy and happiness or one of sorrow and pain.  Of course I will think of my Marcus and feel his spirit close on this holiday.  So I am going to choose to find happiness this Thanksgiving and Thank my Heavenly Father for giving me my precious family.  For giving me wonderful friends who have loved and helped me through the hardest times of my life.  I am also so thankful for His redeeming Sacrifice so that we will all be together again some day. 

Jessica Marie Jensen- My beautiful Niece

Jessica Marie Jensen passed away on October 4th, 2010 at the age of 22.  My sister's (Nancy Taylor Jensen) daughter  suffered her entire life fighting to live because of congenital heart defects plus other complications that evolved from that.  Her entire digestive system quit working and struggled for 64 days without food before passing over to the other side.
I am so grateful she is out of pain and now she actually knows what it is like to take in a full deep breath, run, jump, do cartwheels, and just plain feel good, things she never could do on this earth. I am so grateful she was a part of my life.  She is the closest example, to me, of what being Christ-like is.  She had a unconditional love for everyone she met.  She was concerned for others and wanted to help them in some way. She spoke of Christ as her best friend, wanted to do his will, and gave unconditionally.  She was an Angel here on earth and continues to be now.  She was an example of what Christ referred to as "be as a little child", believing, trusting and obeying the Lord.  She will be exalted to the highest degree of glory for completing her mission here on earth and doing it with such a beautiful spirit, a joy of life, and having complete faith in her Father in Heaven.  What more can we ask for, she deserves it all!
Back in August when we first found out that she wasn't eating and that it could be anytime that she could pass, I made a special trip to Arizona to go see her and her amazing family.  I hadn't had the chance to see them since the year before Marcus died.  I am so grateful that I went.  She was so happy to see me, and has been every single time I went to see her in her life. When she heard I was coming, she traced a princess picture of Ariel for me and had been working on it for a while.  She was trying to get it colored for me before I left, but she just didn't have the strength to do it.  She would get it out, start coloring and nod off after a few minutes, but she was determined to do it.  Finally, my last day there, she had most of it done but said she was done working on it for me.  I feel so privileged to have one of her last works of art.  It will hang in Marcus' room, which has turned into sort of a shrine... OK, it is a shrine. 
I have been so comforted knowing that Marcus and Jessica now have each other.  Over nineteen years ago, Jessica had one of her surgeries and Marcus was just a few months old.  Nancy would come and hold Marcus where she would receive so much comfort from him while Jessica was in ICU fighting for her life.  As I remember those days, I look back and think that Marcus and Jessica had a special bond from the beginning.  Who would have ever thought that Marcus would die, and especially before Jessica.  The Lord had plans for them, ones that we can't completely understand, but Nancy and I feel like we understand them more now than before.  Families!!  It's all about FAMILIES!!  We are connected in this life, but also the afterlife.  Our ancestors, our posterity... we are all connected and we all depend on each other.  Our memories of them were taken at birth, but return to us in the next life.  Those on the "other side" work for us and help us while we are here, they depend on us and we depend on them.  I know that Marcus and Jessica will be by my side for the rest of my life.  Marcus was there for Jessica to help prepare her to pass over and is there for Jessica as she adjusts to her new environment, just like my cousin, Martin (who passed away 13 years ago from a brain tumor at the age of 17) was there to help Marcus.  I have felt my Grandparents, especially my Grandpa Horne helping me as well.
The most difficult part of this whole thing has been the pain that I can sympathize with my sister.  Knowing what it feels like to watch your child slowly deteriorate, then leave their mortal body.  We know what it is like to make funeral plans, kiss them goodbye and put their bodies in the ground.  There is no other pain like it. Now my sister and I, who have never really seen eye to eye on a lot of things in our lives, share that pain.  And now that Marcus and Jessica have each other, Nancy and I have each other.  I know that we each have our own pain and sorrows, and every one's pain is different, but we can share the comfort knowing that if anyone can understand, the other can.  This, I believe, was part of the Lord's plan. 

I will cherish every memory of sweet Jessica.  Take good care of her Marcus.... farewell and "till we meet again" Jessica.     

My New Laptop!

As much as I hate to admit it, I had a birthday this month.  Over-the-Hill jokes are old news for me.  Once I turn 40, anything older than that is just a given and no need to remind myself how many years I have been over the top of the Hill.  Of course, I don’t mind the gifts that go along with the birthday, it’s just the number of birthdays that is a bother.  This year, We broke down and got a laptop.  Our PC is on the fritz and I have wanted something that the kids could not ruin.  That means that I have to hide my laptop so that little sticky fingers don’t get all over my keypad. 

I decided to try out the fun features of a laptop, including the camera.  It’s not a great photo, but here I am in all my glory!  I have put on a lot of weight, as I have mentioned in past posts, but here is the proof.  At times I am really embarrassed by my weight and other times I just don’t care.  Well, I should say… MOST of the time I just don’t care.  I am who I am and my life experiences have made me who I am.  I wouldn’t trade them because they have taught me so much in my life, but then, It would be nice not to carry it around with me 24/7.  I completely agree when some psychologists have said that weight is a actually baggage that we have taken with us through life. All I can say is… I sure have A LOT of baggage!!  The last 2 years has added so much more.  I am not in any hurry to get rid of this baggage.  To me I hang on to it to remind me of what I have been through and not forget Marcus.  I think if I do, I might not remember him as often as I do now.  That’s crazy, I know, but I am hanging on. 

We come to October and my heart sinks.  I don’t like October for a few more reasons than the obvious.  Now there is more to hate about October.  My Niece, Jessica, is slowly withering away to nothing.  Her digestive system has shut down now it is only a matter of time before she passes on to the other side. She has gone 61 days without any kind of food.  She continues to hang on even though she is so miserable.   Marcus is taking good care of her and will help her as she nears her time to pass over.  It has been so difficult to watch my Sister, Nancy, go through the similar experience I had.  It breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts to turn your child over to the Lord and trust that He knows that this is best for all of us.  All of this has brought back so many memories of watching Marcus  get ready to pass on.  There are things that I remember that I haven’t thought of in over a year.  Little things that only he and I shared.  I have been amazed that my heart could still hurt so much after 2 years.  I am sure that hurt will never completely go away, how can it?  A piece of my heart and soul are gone.  I do feel at peace with what Marcus is doing, especially for Jessica.  I think Jessica has been his main focus since he passed, to prepare her to join him.  She is quite stubborn and determined to stay on this earth. 

All the torn feelings have come back to me.  The sense of not being in the same earthly realm with everyone else.  I remember saying it felt like I was on a little cloud floating outside of everyone else, watching them live their lives… running around and doing the daily things that need to be done.  Almost like watching life through a glass window.   Maybe I was.  Maybe that was the Savior carrying me, lifting me up out of the complete darkness, comforting me.  I have always wondered about that.  Sometimes I can still feel that separation, like some things here on earth are just aren’t important anymore. I know one day I will understand it all.  Until then, I will keep leaning on the Lord for support while I try to go on with a broken heart, knowing it will be healed someday. 

Today I pray for my sister and her dear daughter who has fought everyday of her life to be here with us.  May she have peace, Love and joy as she joins my son in the Spirit World. May Nancy and her precious family feel the Love of Jesus Christ and our Dear Heavenly Father as they go through the heartbreak of separation in this life.  I know they are with them now.

Crazy, Mad, CooCoo, Mental....

No matter which word you preffer, THAT is how I feel today.  It has been a while since I felt this kind of MADNESS to this intensity.  Having no control on where my mind goes, nor what kinds of emotions surface in the process feels like I have completely lost myself.  My brain is an island, covered in a thick fog, wondering what is real and what is not.  I find myself taking in deep breaths as memories of the past come pounding through the fog like they own the place.  Some of those are still so painful that I can feel my body tremble, my hands shake as my mind realizes that they are still true, not an imagined part of my life.

I know I am crazy because I am admitting these feelings in a public place, where others can judge, point or just plain agree with me.  My thinking is:  Might as well put it out there, everyone else probably already knows how wacko I am. At least I am admitting my lack of sanity instead of denying that it exists.  Maybe I am hoping that people understand why I am the way I am. 

Being in my CRAZY mind at times feels surreal, almost like I am really not present in this body, that doesn't even look like me anymore.  Is that my mind playing tricks on me?  My weird mind showing me something I am not?  Naw, it's me... well, it is my body that I have created in these few years.  Adding over 30 lbs can really do that, you know?  But just like the rest of my brain, I just don't care most of the time.  NOT GOOD... I tell myself, but that voice isn't strong enough to keep the chocolates, diet cokes and other yummy foods from pilling in my mouth.  It just feels too good... (See... I told you I have "lost it").  

Off I go to take a nap... read a book or write my book... places that take me away from the CRAZINESS and give me some sort of other world to live in.  Reality will come again, and when it does... I will be ready for it. 

    

Eclipse (Spoiler alert)

Breaking Dawn and Twilight Merchandise

I wasn't going to make this blog just a summary of my obsession with the Twilight series.  I know there are many out there who think this whole thing is dumb or stupid... I COMPLETELY agree with you.  On the outside looking in, I see a grown woman desperate to be a teenager again and that really needs to "get a life".  My my inner self is so thrilled to the core with this whole thing, which makes all my selves think I really need some help!!!  My boys, husband, family, friends are secretly AFRAID for me... I just know it. I see it in their eyes, hear it between the lines and my dear sweet John just tells me how WaCkeD out I really am!!  So is this going to stop my obsession? Am I going to go to "Twi-hard-fans Anonymous"? NO FREAKING WAY!!  Soooooooo on with my opinion of the Movie...

Eclipse is my favorite book of the series, and the movie just confirmed it.  Action, Action, LOVE, Action!!  Even though I knew everything that was going to happen, I was on the edge of my seat, frozen.  I found myself a few times with a piece of popcorn at my lips, still, not making it into my mouth.  Now THAT takes a lot to keep food out of my mouth!

Edward/ Robert Patterson... First I have to say, and I am eating a few words, that he has grown on me.  His makeup is better for one thing and I think Robert has really settled into his character of Edward.  So much more of Edwards personality was shown in this movie, including smiling.  So much so, that I felt like he really had a soul and not just someone who looked like he was about to poop his pants.  Maybe my heart would like him if Jacobs heart didn't break so many times. 

Jacob

Twilight and Eclipse Pictures

The boy after my own heart.  I mean, come on, the kid (who is now 18!) rides a dirt bike!  OK, so he has a great body and smile... yeah, THAT helps.  I like to say.. "I was team Jacob, before team Jacob was cool".  Maybe because I am a mom to teenage boys is why I have such soft spot for Jacob. I hate that he gets his heart broken.  My review of him in this movie is.... NOT ENOUGH JACOB!  The scene after Jacob was injured and Bella came to see him was cut way too short.  Leaving out Bella's experience during their kiss was the biggest disappointment.  It was my favorite part of the whole series!!!  I missed her telling Jacob that she saw their life together... being together at Billies with Charlie and little dark-haired kids running around them.  How comfortable she felt how natural it was.  UUGGGHH.  I felt like the whole point of the story was that if Vampires didn't exist in their world, they would be perfect for each other... no vampires, no wolves, no interference in their lives.

I did LOVE the movie and plan on seeing it again and buying the DVD for my collection.  So forgive me if I spoiled anything for you.  But it is... MY BLOG, MY THOUGHTS.

There are two sides of every story...

My New Life

Stephanie has touched my heart and soul. I have heard of her through friends and news, but to hear her story from her own mouth, grabbed my spirit.... Not because I feel sorry for her, not because of her tragedy, but because of her testimony, her true love for Jesus Christ.

I can relate to her on different levels. I understand the pain of daily tasks... hers is more physical pain, mine is in my heart... I understand how she Mourns the loss of her old self.... I do as well. But she embraces her New self and accepts who she is now. She is thankful for her tragedy and what she has learned from it. I too am thankful for my loss and what I have gained from it, but I have not embraced who I am now.

I long for the days of when I felt complete joy... when I loved every part of being alive. I loved the wind on my face, the grass in between my toes, the rush that comes from giggling so hard that I thought I would burst, the sensation of doing a cartwheel, a jump, a kick... the chills all over that I would get when I danced to a moving beat, every being of my body and soul moved with it... loving someone passionately and the tingles and butterflies that came with every kiss. Now... with every breeze, every walk in the grass, every laugh and giggle, every dance, every time I kiss my husband.... I feel happiness, love and joy but my heart still aches, the pain still shatters, the hole still there to draw in what would make it "complete".

So now it becomes a quest..... "Who am I now?" I am not the person I was, nor was I meant to be. Who is it that God wants my to be? I am still a Mother to 4 boys. I am still a wife to my soul mate, my knight in shining armour, and clearly the most patient man on earth. Most importantly.... I am STILL a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. That is who I am and who I will always be. I need to trust in Him, allow myself to take it day by day... hour by hour... minute by minute. I hear that gradually those loves and passions return. I am counting on that.

Like Stephanie, I feel the same sense of comfort....that everything is where it should be, and that everything is going to be OK.

May is National Brain Tumor/Cancer awareness month!

This says it all!  I love you and miss you Marcus.

Shallow Day -TWILIGHT (what have you done to my wife?)

I laughed so hard when I saw this video! John doesn't think it's THAT funny. Maybe it's because he can relate to it too much? Can you believe this song is avaliable on itunes?? LOVE IT!

*****The Little Soul*****

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed.

Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

************************************************************

One Year, 5 months....

In some ways, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast, then in other ways, it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him, smelled his smell, heard his laugh and voice.  I feel like the pressure to "get on with things" or to "get over it" is intense.  I am sure people think, "Oh, its been almost a year and 1/2, I am sure she is better now." I know this, because I have thought the same way about others who have gone through things like this before I was faced with it.  Yes, I am able to function a little better.  I can talk about Marcus, and I do, without crying.  But there are still the days where curling up on my bed, pulling the blanket over my head sounds like the only answer.  Believe me, there are times that I do.

As far as functioning, well, that is still questionable. I got a job recently and I am enjoying it.  I work from 7 am to 3 pm, which is when my kids get home.  Perfect, but when I get home, I collapse.  I either have to take a nap, or read a book.  It is very hard for me to get up and fix dinner.  There have been a few days at work that I have had a hard time finishing out the work day, afraid that I may "lose it" right there.  I know I have only been working just about 6 week, and I know it will take time for my body to adjust to it, but it has been a good thing for me.  I get to focus on something other than myself, my kids, my life and get away from being caught up in my feeling sorry for myself. 

There are many more days of laughter and joy in my life.  I really enjoy my boys now, more than I thought I would.  I appreciate and love every moment that they are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other.  They speak more of Marcus, they remember stories of him, they make little jokes about if he were still here, what he would do, they listen to his music. It does my heart good to see my boys healing before my eyes, all on their own, in spite of their Mother.  The other day, I got brave and got the video camera out and watched part of the last Christmas with Marcus.  He had taped most of it and had his voice as narration.  I laughed at the comments he made, and at the gift he wrapped for John, he wrapped it with paper, then wrapped it completely in Duct Tape.  It took John over a 1/2 an hour to unwrap it!  Then, when I saw him open his first cell phone, a blackberry, that he really wanted, the tears began to fall.  Just as that was happening, Jackson walked in.  He jumped up by me, hugged me quietly and we watched it together.  What a sweet boy. 

During the time that Marcus was diagnosed, we signed the other boys up with a group called "SuperSibs".  They help the siblings of children who have cancer.  After I notified them of Marcus' death they continued to send their occational gifts in the mail.  A month ago, I got an email from SuperSibs explaining that they never recieved the email I had sent of Marcus' passing until recently.  Their computer system was messed up.  So they sent the books and diaries to help siblings deal with their loss.  Jackson immediate began to fill out the diary of his feelings of Marcus and wrote a sweet letter to Marcus.  He was so excited to work on this book.  What a beautiful example he has been to me.  I have been blessed with such beautiful children.  All of them are so wonderful and have taught me so much.  I know I would be lost without their influence in my life.  Even Marcus still is a big influence on me still.