Friday, May 14, 2010

My New Life

Stephanie has touched my heart and soul. I have heard of her through friends and news, but to hear her story from her own mouth, grabbed my spirit.... Not because I feel sorry for her, not because of her tragedy, but because of her testimony, her true love for Jesus Christ.

I can relate to her on different levels. I understand the pain of daily tasks... hers is more physical pain, mine is in my heart... I understand how she Mourns the loss of her old self.... I do as well. But she embraces her New self and accepts who she is now. She is thankful for her tragedy and what she has learned from it. I too am thankful for my loss and what I have gained from it, but I have not embraced who I am now.

I long for the days of when I felt complete joy... when I loved every part of being alive. I loved the wind on my face, the grass in between my toes, the rush that comes from giggling so hard that I thought I would burst, the sensation of doing a cartwheel, a jump, a kick... the chills all over that I would get when I danced to a moving beat, every being of my body and soul moved with it... loving someone passionately and the tingles and butterflies that came with every kiss. Now... with every breeze, every walk in the grass, every laugh and giggle, every dance, every time I kiss my husband.... I feel happiness, love and joy but my heart still aches, the pain still shatters, the hole still there to draw in what would make it "complete".

So now it becomes a quest..... "Who am I now?" I am not the person I was, nor was I meant to be. Who is it that God wants my to be? I am still a Mother to 4 boys. I am still a wife to my soul mate, my knight in shining armour, and clearly the most patient man on earth. Most importantly.... I am STILL a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. That is who I am and who I will always be. I need to trust in Him, allow myself to take it day by day... hour by hour... minute by minute. I hear that gradually those loves and passions return. I am counting on that.

Like Stephanie, I feel the same sense of comfort....that everything is where it should be, and that everything is going to be OK.


Anonymous said...

Some day you'll get that same joy back in your life, you'll mature and grow and then move on. There will always be that place for Marcus in your heart, he has to move on too with his new life. You'll be fine, I know because you love Christ and are trying to follow him. May God bless you in this quest. I love you, MOM

Anonymous said...

Karen, so many times I go to your blog and wonder how you are doing. Being a mother is a wonderful gift from God and you will get that joy back someday, but your life will never be the same, just a different normal. You will feel all those things again, and smile at that wonderful boy who is looking down on you. It takes lots of time to heal when you have lost something you loved so much. My friend who lost her son years ago, now laughs full heartily today. Trust in the Lord and He will help you find that peace, on his time, not yours. Hugs to you, Sandy MD

Anonymous said...

Karen, this post of yours is beautiful. I have followed Stephanie's blob (NieNie) since her accident. What a woman of faith and patience! You are like that, too! It's just hard for you to feel and see it all the time. Thinking about you prima!
Love: Becca