Saturday, March 27, 2010

One Year, 5 months....

In some ways, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast, then in other ways, it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him, smelled his smell, heard his laugh and voice.  I feel like the pressure to "get on with things" or to "get over it" is intense.  I am sure people think, "Oh, its been almost a year and 1/2, I am sure she is better now." I know this, because I have thought the same way about others who have gone through things like this before I was faced with it.  Yes, I am able to function a little better.  I can talk about Marcus, and I do, without crying.  But there are still the days where curling up on my bed, pulling the blanket over my head sounds like the only answer.  Believe me, there are times that I do.

As far as functioning, well, that is still questionable. I got a job recently and I am enjoying it.  I work from 7 am to 3 pm, which is when my kids get home.  Perfect, but when I get home, I collapse.  I either have to take a nap, or read a book.  It is very hard for me to get up and fix dinner.  There have been a few days at work that I have had a hard time finishing out the work day, afraid that I may "lose it" right there.  I know I have only been working just about 6 week, and I know it will take time for my body to adjust to it, but it has been a good thing for me.  I get to focus on something other than myself, my kids, my life and get away from being caught up in my feeling sorry for myself. 

There are many more days of laughter and joy in my life.  I really enjoy my boys now, more than I thought I would.  I appreciate and love every moment that they are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other.  They speak more of Marcus, they remember stories of him, they make little jokes about if he were still here, what he would do, they listen to his music. It does my heart good to see my boys healing before my eyes, all on their own, in spite of their Mother.  The other day, I got brave and got the video camera out and watched part of the last Christmas with Marcus.  He had taped most of it and had his voice as narration.  I laughed at the comments he made, and at the gift he wrapped for John, he wrapped it with paper, then wrapped it completely in Duct Tape.  It took John over a 1/2 an hour to unwrap it!  Then, when I saw him open his first cell phone, a blackberry, that he really wanted, the tears began to fall.  Just as that was happening, Jackson walked in.  He jumped up by me, hugged me quietly and we watched it together.  What a sweet boy. 

During the time that Marcus was diagnosed, we signed the other boys up with a group called "SuperSibs".  They help the siblings of children who have cancer.  After I notified them of Marcus' death they continued to send their occational gifts in the mail.  A month ago, I got an email from SuperSibs explaining that they never recieved the email I had sent of Marcus' passing until recently.  Their computer system was messed up.  So they sent the books and diaries to help siblings deal with their loss.  Jackson immediate began to fill out the diary of his feelings of Marcus and wrote a sweet letter to Marcus.  He was so excited to work on this book.  What a beautiful example he has been to me.  I have been blessed with such beautiful children.  All of them are so wonderful and have taught me so much.  I know I would be lost without their influence in my life.  Even Marcus still is a big influence on me still.   

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Jackson turns Eight!

So hard to believe that my baby is now 8 yrs old. January 15th, was the big day, but had his party with a couple of friends and Noah at the local Bowling alley a few days later. Jackson is such a character and insisted on a "fo-hawk" hairdo just like Marcus used to have.
Jace, Noah, Jacob and Jackson who looks like PeeWee Herman in this picture!

On January 3oth, 2010, Jackson was Baptized. When I asked him why he wanted to be baptized, his answer was... "So I can get new Scriptures".
It was a beautiful day. We felt the Spirit so strong and knew that he had made the right decision.
We are so proud of our Jackson!!

It has been a while..

Since I have posted or updated anything of our crazy life. All I can say is... we are so tired of funerals!! The last month has been a little too much of death for our own sanity.

First, a friend of Aaron's, age 15, took his own life just a few days before Valentines day. Aaron wasn't really close to him, but they had known each other since 6th grade and "hung out" at school on and off since then. Aaron hadn't really talked to him since last summer, but it still was such a huge shock to him. He has been struggling with it ever since. I was sick the day of the funeral, but John took Aaron. What do you say when your son fought to keep himself alive, then face a CHILD that had no will to live? What can I say to Aaron? Losing his brother to cancer, then losing a friend to something that cannot be explained. We don't know what was in his mind that day, plus we cannot judge. I know our God is a merciful God. How can a child be completely responsible for a decision like that? How do I comfort MY child and heal his broken heart.. again? Aaron is such a tender-hearted person, he has been fighting depression and anxiety since Marcus' death and now it has taken on a whole new dimention. We will be going to the Dr. this week to help with this.

The next week, my Grandmother, Alice Nita Taylor passed away at the age of 92. It was her time to go and she was in a "home". It was such a blessing that she left. She has lived 44 years without her husband, and had lost a baby that she was reunited with. It was more of a bitter-sweet time, but after already dealing with Aaron's friend, and with Marcus' death still fresh, a funeral was still hard to deal with. My saving grace was seeing so much family and friends I hadn't seen in years! I focused on them and we remembered so many fun times and memories of Grandma T.

Amoungst the whole crazy times of death and funerals, I started a new job!! I am now working for a company who builds scientific sensors. It is a very small company where there are only 3 of us soldering and building these sensors. I am really enjoying it and has been a good thing for me to get out of the house. I can plug my ipod into my ears, sit down and do my work. Not having to deal with the stresses of "the public" is my kind of work. The people there have been great and work around my kids schedule. What a blessing! Oh and the paycheck is so nice to have!!