Wednesday, August 31, 2011

September is here!

Childhood Cancer Awareness Month - letsCONQUER from St. Baldrick's on Vimeo.

As some, or most of you know, I lost my son to Brain Caner at the age of 17.  This month is the time to spread the word, donate, and help find cures for OUR children!!  HOPE is all we need!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

A Young Man...

A young man, dealing with the emotional and physical turmoil that cancer can give, drew himself inward and let the sorrow build.  Anger and bitterness brewed inside, so much so that he took it all out on his siblings, parents and even on himself.  He felt life wasn’t fair and he couldn’t understand why he was given this heavy burden. He felt no one could understand the pain and turmoil that he dealt with daily.  The losses of his life-long dreams were crushed because of this illness, he had some handicaps that would follow him for the rest of his life and he knew his life expectancy was short. 
His Doctors recommended a special camp for youth with cancer.  This young man, when he first heard of the camp, didn’t want to go.  His parents pushed the idea and even signed him up without his permission.  When the day came for him to go, his father demanded he get in the car.  Not happy at all with this, the young man pouted and threatened that he would cause so much trouble, they would send him home. 
When they arrived at the camp, the Counselor welcomed him.  The young man crossed his arms, hid behind his sunglasses and ball cap and only answered in short, snippy answers.  His father was wary to leave him, but the Counselor reassured him he would be ok.
After his father left, the Counselor showed the young man to his tent and introduced him to the others his age.  The boys were having a water fight with large medical tubing, with large medical clamps on both ends.  The young man gradually began to interact and became an active player in the fight. 
As the day progressed, the young man noticed a younger boy sitting off by himself.  The young man approached him and introduced himself.   The younger boy replied with his name being “Tomas.”  The two sat for hours in conversation. 
As the week progressed, the young man and Tomas became friends.  There were times when Tomas lashed out and couldn’t deal with the scary and daunting treatments ahead of him. The young man was often found with Tomas deep in conversation, or with his arms around Tomas in comfort. 
When the young man’s father came to pick him up from camp, he was worried as to what he would find.  The counselors gushed about the young man, saying he became the leader and a counselor himself. They explained how the young man made sure all the youth was involved and having a good time.  When his father found his son, he found a new person, a man who seemed to have found his role and accepted his fate. 
When the young man returned home, he gathered his siblings together and insisted on playing games with them.  He told his family how much he missed them and would never take advantage of what he had.  He learned the value of each person and that Heavenly Father loves each one of us the same. 
Just a few months after this experience, the young man’s cancer worsened.  His disabilities increased, but his outlook on life was a good one.  He joked with those who came in contact with him, even after he learned his time on earth was nearing its end.  Though difficult, he accepted Heavenly Fathers will.
Now he serves our Heavenly Father from the other side of the veil, performing miracles, comforting others who suffer as he did, and giving himself entirely to those in this life and the next.  I will never forget the example he set for me. 

Love you my son. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dreaming while "Under the Weather".

I just had to get up and write this before it was gone.  Linda. My sweet friend, my sarcastic buddy is still gone.  There were so many things we had been "Planning on doing" which never got done.  That lunch date that we put off forever, the dinner outing we were going to do with John and Brad. Those things that we used to do on a regular basis together.  Girls night out was always fun. Until life happened well... death happened.  After such a loss, I pulled my legs into my chest and held on tight, not wanting to let anyone in on my pain.  It was mine and I had to own it, guard it and protect it. I was the one who had to feel it and grieve for my boy. No one else could do it, nor can they now. So up went the walls and my doors slammed shut. Closing off the world around me. I just wanted to be alone, and life drifted by.

Sure, I  pretended to function again, go out with the "girls" who called once a month to make sure I got out of my little prison of grief.  Linda was always there, not too pushy but not afraid to ask questions on what this kind of grief was like.  I liked that.  No one really asks those difficult questions, no one would dare, not even I.  That just meant she cared enough to 'go there'. 

So tonight, while only 1/2 sleeping and 1/2 awake from coughing, being slightly medicated.  I had a wild ride of a dream.  Sorry the details are not so clear, but I know it meant something. 

It felt like I was traveling/flying/ whatever it is that you do in dreams, but I know I was looking over mountains, hills.  Not sure where this is but it was beautiful.  I felt Linda with me somehow.  I knew she wasn't there physically, but she was there. Then I was standing in front of an old building with a worn down carport hanging on to it, I suddendly wanted to leave Linda a message.  I had no place to write but I wanted her to know something, or did she want me to know something?  I was so confused but I  knew I had to write something for her.  So I wrote on the patched up, plastered, white wall...and this is what I wrote.. (ready for this big revelation?)
I was shocked that this, this crazy, sarcastic, phrase is what I wanted to say to her!  Like I really think she got off easy by leaving her amazing husband, 4 beautiful children behind?  Hardly!!  I know she is just beside herself right now, wanting to be a part of those kids lives.  To hold her new daughter that she never was able to see, hold, smell or touch.  The one she gave her life for!  Of course that is it.  She gave her life for her little Charlie to come to earth and get her beautiful body and teach everyone around her about pure love. Who else would do that? Linda would.  

So now the crazy cycle of life and death continues.  Life is so cruel at times, but someday we will completely understand.  I know that.  For now I am strapping my seatbelt a little tighter. Now go try and get some sleep before the sun comes up.