Thursday, January 14, 2010

Crazy Ideas!

I really wasn't going to post about this, but not sure what else to do with it. I guess I could just throw it in the wind and see how much of it blows back in my face!
I have had these crazy ideas, well more like STRONG desires or yearnings to try something I have NEVER really done in my life, nor has it EVER been a thought in my brain... EVER! So for those of you who have known me forever, know this is true. I can't explain it, I don't know where it came from, but I am compelled to WRITE! Not just blogging, not just journaling, a whole flippin' NOVEL!! ??????? I am at a loss. Yesterday I wrote for hours (almost 20 pages) by hand in a journal. I have almost 60 pages written by hand. Now, those of you who know me, know my knowledge of Grammar, Literature, really and truly SUCK!! I really don't want to say what I am writing about because I think it's sorta lame. I imagine it would be something for teens or younger because that's what I know.
I guess I am just throwing this out there and see what people think. Is this something that everyone goes through? Am I so desperate to focus on a fantasy world that I am creating my own? Any psychiatrists reading my blog? Maybe you can expand on these weird feelings! Sometimes I am writing so long, I can't put my pen down!! Where is all this coming from? I honestly do not like grammar, english per say. I never thought my writting was that great, of course I only went to 1 year of college and didn't take one english class. So.... anybody out there willing to share their opinion, ideas, or thoughts about this? Please tell me... what am I supposed to do with this??

Monday, January 11, 2010

After the First Year

After the First Year
by Liz Ford, Madison WI, The Compassionate Friends

After the first year,
the pain changes from a crushing weight
to a wickedly cutting edge.
Time speeds up from grinding plodding
to a more normal routine.
And sometimes you can forget (for a moment)
that your whole life was destroyed
just last year.

After the first year
you start to remember the good times
and you can tell a funny story about your child,
and save the crying for later.
But sometimes it seems like you're the only one left who mourns.
"What's the matter with you, anyway?"
"Its been a whole year."

After the first year,
your child seems a little closer
and yet still so far away.
Miracle of miracles, you haven't forgotten
how he walks, his voice, the shape of his head,
or the solid warmth of his fingers curving around yours.
Those memories ambush you at many unlikely moments
and tear you apart.

After the first year,
your heart begins to thaw.
You remember that you once loved your surviving children,
and you love them again.
You remember that life used to hold joy,
and you rediscover some small enjoyment in living.

After the first year,
you pick up your burdens and go on.
Amazingly you have survived a blow
more painful than anything you ever imagined.
Even though you wish you could have died too,
its slowly dawns on you that you must still live...
because after the first year comes the second year.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Christmas card pictures were a last minute thing this year. We finally just took the boys out in the back yard and had them smile as warm as they could, since it was pretty cold that day.
It certainly was strange taking these pictures. It just didn't feel complete. There is just some sort of emptiness I feel in these pictures, and to others, they too have felt the same thing. My Mom even mentioned that opening her Christmas Card it was just a shock. Obviously she knew Marcus couldn't or wouldn't be in the picture, but she still felt the jolt of reality of it all over again.

This Holiday Season was definitely easier than last year, even though we all had our moments of grief and pain. We weren't able to go out and build our snowman because the snow was frozen so hard, we couldn't work with it. But we were able to go over to my brother, Brian's home for Christmas Eve. It was the first time in 2 years that we made it over there. We had a great time and experienced a little more joy.

Aaron performed in the Christmas Fantasy again this year, which is a concert/program for children about Christmas. All the Band members had to dress up as toys. Aaron had the great idea of going as a toy pilot and I decided that he could probably wear Marcus' pilot suit for it. Well, I think Marcus had other plans. For those of you who really know Marcus, he was very possessive of his THINGS. Especially when it came to sharing with his brothers.
Well, when it was time to get ready for the show, I couldn't find his uniform anywhere. I looked for 3 hours in every corner I could think of. I became very discouraged and upset. We had the suit out for his viewing and funeral, then I swore I put it in the box with all his clothing in it, but it wasn't in there! I went through that box 3 times and didn't find it. Aaron began laughing and said, "Mom, you know Marcus had something to do with this". We both started laughing because this was something he had done his whole life. Anything to not have to share with his brothers. Just as I had predicted, I found his flight suit, a week later while I was cleaning his room. I found a little suitcase that he used to keep his stuffed animals in, then it hit me that's where it was. Sure enough, there it was! I vaguely remember putting it in there, but I must have been seriously mentally out of it to do that. That is the last place I would have put it! So we can't help but laugh, thinking Marcus got his way again.

We have set a few goals for the new year. As a family we are going to try and memorize all 12 Articles of Faith. We also want to start some kind of memorial fund in Marcus' memory to help the Marching Band that he loved so much.
We enjoyed ringing in 2010 with our good friends, Julie and Gary Earl which ended up being a last minute plan. We truly cherish them and their entire family feels like our extended family.

I hope and pray that 2010 is a good year for all of us, and that we all will continue to feel the comfort and joy we need to forge ahead in our life here on earth.