Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Another Spoof!

Taylor Lautner who plays Jacob in the Twilight series, hosted Saturday Night Live last saturday. I enjoyed a few things, but this clip was my favorite. Sometime I feel like I am that age, and that I need to be a grown up, but I guess its ok to be a little nutty about something, every once in a while!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

New Moon...

Dealing with life and everything that it has given me, there is a place where I can get away and not think about the "real world". Ever since Marcus' cancer recurred, I dove into the Twilight books with all my heart so I could get away from the heart ache that I was facing. ME!! The person who NEVER read a book longer than 200 pages in my life!! I read 4 books, back to back. It was so strange for me to do something like READING, but to read about Vampires, and werewolves was even crazier! Life in the Twilight fantasy world got me through the worst year of my life! Even now when there are times when I can't handle the pain, I get out these books and they make me smile. So if there were some way I could Thank Stephenie Meyer, I would! She kept me somewhat sane.
The movie Twilight came out in November of 2008, and it was, to me, very disapointing! I really didn't think that the story was even told! I feel bad that it was such a bomb in my eyes and was afraid that if they didn't do something different, I would not see New Moon. Edward to me, could have been better cast! He looks so pained all the time and I feel like he has no personality in the first movie.
New Moon Pictures

Redeaming itself. That's how I felt when I saw the trailers to New Moon. It was painful to wait for the movie to come out... not even sure why. I have NEVER been so crazy about anything in my life! LOVED IT!! Wow... The graphics of Jacob changing into a wolf made the whole movie! I have always loved Jacob in the books, but Taylor Lautner really brought him to life. Still disturbed by the actor who plays Edward (I don't even know his name, stubborn... aren't I?) with way too much lipstick and looking like he needs to go to the bathroom when he kisses Bella... (I know, I have issues), this movie exceeded my expectations!!
So I have to confess... I have fallen in love with a dumb series that involves Vampires and Werewolves... haha. It must be a mid-life crisis thing... or maybe just a "life crisis" thing that keeps me from really falling in with the CRAZIES! Well... maybe it's because I can relate a little to Bella's situation? Maybe we all can? Choosing what is best for us versus choosing what we want and desire can bring us a lot of heartache and turmoil.

One more thing... is it wrong for a woman in her 40's to have a photo of Jacob (a minor), shirtless, on the background of her phone? Have I completely lost my mind?? John and my 15-yr-old (I won't mention his name to save him from shame) think I need to be in a padded room for a while... Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

"You Belong With Me" (Jacob Black Remix!)

Here is a great song re-mixed for "jacob" from the Twilight series. I love it. Here are the Lyrics:

LYRICS (by Matt Sullivan)
You're in the woods with your vampire Edward Cullen
He’s always whining and complaining, he's so sullen
He doesn’t get you’re human like I do

I'm at the gym, it's a typical Tuesday night
Lifting the kind of weights he doesn't like
And he'll never know your family like I do

But he sparkles, and I'm so hairy
He's so sexy and I'm so scary
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Hangin' out in Forks, while he's in Italy
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Howling at the moon thinkin' to myself
Hey, isn't Ed sleazy?

And you've got a beauty that could light up this whole town
Haven't seen it since he brought those biters around
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a sucker so wack?

He's so pale, I'm so tan
He's kinda bitchy and I'm all man
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you
I’m down on all fours, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Marching Band 2009.

The 2009 Marching Band season is now over with. This is the 5th year and the second child to be involved with the Mountain Crest High School Marching Band. "Ivasion" was the theme this year which was music taken from the movie 300. The story of the show is a war between the brass and the woodwinds, which made it very interesting because the brass start out on one side of the field and the woodwinds on the other.
The Band earned 2nd and 3rd places this year, beating a band that had 100 more kids than their band. They went to Bands of America Regional competition in St. George Utah and came in 3rd in their division, 1st in state in their division, and made finals!!! In the finals they came in 6th place overall.. out of 21 bands!!

Aaron played the baritone this year and seems to be really good at it. Who knew? He decided to stick with it for concert band as well. I am excited to see how he does with the concert baritone. There aren't too many of them, since all the trombone players play the baritone in Marching band. I think there will only be 3 baritones. I think he is excited to play Marcus' baritone. My dad fixed it while he was here so the keys didn't stick anymore. I heard Aaron practicing it the other day and had to re-evaluate in my mind who it was.

Aaron has been doing so well in school and band. He seems to have grown up a lot and now has some goals for the future. He is studying chemistry and loves it, not to mention his geometry has been pretty easy for him so far. He took on taking German, and he is really struggling with it. Of course I tried to convince him to take spanish where I could probably help him, but he had to be different and take German. (where are the Schills when we need them?.. haha)
I am very proud of Aaron and the person he is becoming. I think I was right when I was saying... "come on 15" less than a year ago. Both Aaron and Marcus seemed to really find out who they were when they turned 15. Of course all the problems don't go away, but they seem to snap out of the "what the heck is going on with me?" stage that they had been in since like 12. Of course Noah will be turning 11 soon, so I am sure it will start all over again with him.
Learning to appreciate each child's personality is quite a journey. They change in so many ways as they grow up, but there are so many characteristics that are there when they are born, that just become stronger. I remember seeing each one of my children's faces for the first time and a wave of recognition came over me. I immediately knew their personalities, and could feel the potential of their spirit. What a blessing it is to be a mother. I just don't know how anyone could not believe that their is a God after experiencing birth, or looking into your own child's eyes and seeing so much faith, knowledge and immediate recognition of them from our pre-existence.
For those who have not experienced it yet, or may not be able to in this life, I know that one day your heart will experience children with so much joy that will surpass the extent of the pain in your heart today. My heart goes out to you, and pray that you may have comfort and faith.
Not sure where all that came from, but it came out so I must have needed to say it.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

October 26, 2009

This is what we woke up to the morning of October 26th. It was a beautiful sight to open the door and see that we had been "heart-attacked" by someone who wanted to remain anonymous.. Whoever you are, we really love and appreciate you very much. It is so nice to know that people are still thinking of us.
Yes, October 26th 2009, was the one year "Anniversary" of Marcus' death. We didn't plan a whole lot that day. John took the day off, I ended up picking Aaron up from school cause he didn't feel well.
John and I went to breakfast and did some window shopping together. We had some nice time alone together.

That evening our family, Katie, Emma, Ellie, Julie, Gary and Kyle came with us out to the cemetery. We each wrote a note to Marcus and tied it to our balloon. All at one time we released the balloons.
In the last year, I feel like I am having more and more happy times. I feel more at peace, but yet there are those days where nothing can take away the pain, I spend the day in my jammies and not able to really function..... BUT those are getting to be fewer.

Jackson and Noah were wrestling around out on the open area when Aaron joined in on them. Kyle thought that was an unfair fight, so he grabbed Aaron and took him down. They had some fun doing what we call "male bonding" in our house. It seems to be the thing to do when we go out to the cemetery. Of course when Marcus was around, he was usually theinstigator of it all.
I am so glad that my boys are comfortable going there and able to feel at peace.

Here is the weathervane we got for Marcus. Every pilot needs a weathervane!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bitter-Sweet Week.

It's been 2 whole years!! Elder Kyle Nielsen is coming home on the 21st of October. He is serving in the Detroit, Michigan Mission and has completed his 2 years in the mission field. His Mother, Julie, is a very near and dear friend of mine. She is my neighbor and her children feel so much like a part of mine. I am so excited to see Kyle, it's almost like a part of my own family is coming home. I am so proud of Kyle. He has always been such a wonderful person, full of kindness and love. Not to mention his great sense of humor and his dedication.
Kyle means so much to me in so many ways, but he is the one who was such a great influence on not just all of our family, but especially Marcus. He is the one who befriended Marcus when we first moved here, he went out of his way to make sure Marcus felt at home, but the thing that really brought them together was the Baritone! Marcus had already been playing it for a few years and when Kyle heard that, he invited Marcus over to play with him. Next thing I know, Marcus is all about MARCHING BAND! OH and can't forget the nights and nights of basketball in our backyard, with all the neighborhood boys.
One time in particular... Kyle, Kevin R. and Marcus were shooting some hoops in the back yard. We had a huge bush right off the court (well, it was really taking up a lot of the corner). Marcus tended to get pretty physical when he played. Anyway, so Marcus (5'4 at the time) decided to shove Kyle (6'7") into the bush... when he did, Marcus took off running as fast as he could all the way down the street, knowing that Kyle couldn't catch him. So Kyle took a break sitting by the door to the house, saying... He has to come home sometime. Sure enough, when he did, Kyle got him and gave him pleanty of pink-bellies. It did my heart good to see Marcus have a good friend, which he hadn't ever really had before. Kyle was like a big brother to Marcus.
It was strange, when Kyle left on his mission, Marcus locked himself in his room and wouldn't go tell Kyle goodbye. It was just too hard on him. In all the years we have moved around, I have never seen him act like that. Marcus had just finished his last treatment and was doing really well, but I think deep down Marcus knew they would never see each other again and that it was just too painful.
When we ended treatments, Kyle sent a tape to Marcus. I was so glad that he did that and I wish Marcus could have done the same. He just couldn't do it. The tape was such a beautiful thing to do and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It made Marcus laugh and smile. We played it for him again a few times while he was in a coma before he died.
This upcoming week will be Marcus' one year anniversay, so it will be such a bitter sweet one. I know that one day I will have my reunion with Marcus, it's just a longer mission he is on.


Friday, October 02, 2009

October 2

October 2, 2006 is the day that we found Marcus' brain tumor. Hard to believe that it has been 3 years since we heard those words... You have a tumor in your brain... I remember being light headed, looking at this face of his, and knowing that this would be what took him from me.
I always knew I would lose a child, ever since he was born, actually before he was born, I knew I would have to give one of my children back. I never expected it to be him, but when I heard the doctor say those words, I said to myself.... "Its YOU!" It was so surreal.... like I was 1/2 in my body and 1/2 in a different place. I felt an overwhelming sense of being lost, like someone had to guide me through it.
The worst part was coming home, telling the boys... especially Aaron, then having to LEAVE them. I ached for them to be with us, to hold each of them in my arms. I knew Aaron would be wide awake, struggling with what just had hit him and no where to turn to. To this day, it breaks my heart knowing I had to leave him alone to deal with all of this.
This picture of Marcus was taken 2 weeks before his diagnosis. I look at this picture and see such a little boy in his eyes. I see such a healthy young boy who seems so innocent to life and has no idea what is about to happen.
Aaron and I went out to the cemetary today (Aaron doesn't like to go out there very often)When he goes, it seems like he talks more and more about Marcus. We talked about that day, 3 years ago and what it was like for each of us. Aaron joked about how much fun it would be to run through the cemetery on Halloween at midnight with his friends. He said... "I can just see Marcus sitting on his headstone waiting to scare us all to death and laughing his head off"... I had to giggle cause I could see him doing that. Aaron said when he told his friends that, a couple of girls were saying... "thats not very funny, Aaron"... like he was being disrespectful. But then Aaron said... "like you can't see him doing that". They all began to laugh and say, yeah.. you are right. I love the fact that he is thinking about Marcus and talking about him. A lot of Aaron's friends were friends with Marcus first, so he feels comfortable around them.
Today was just another "anniversary" in October. So many others follow that are so difficult to think about. I am just glad we don't have to go through it again, even though I would love to have a "Marcus hug" about right now. It is difficult with today's date... knowing what 3 yrs ago brought, but even harder thinking about a year ago... it just hurts... I HATE OCTOBER!!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I miss my Sisters!!

November, 2007
Alice, Karen and Nancy
I was just thinking that it has been almost 2 whole years since I have seen Nancy, my sister! She and her family weren't able to come to Marcus' funeral because of Jessica being in pretty poor conditions at the time.
So we are planning a trip to Tucson, Az. in November to visit everyone down south. My brother Stuart, both of my sisters, John's brother and his Mother live in Arizona. I am really looking forward to this trip. It seems like forever since we went on a family trip, even just leaving the valley!

Consider the Lilies

I know this is an Easter song, but Sunday I heard it on the radio and a stream of memories came back to me. I never really paid attention to the words to this song until the other day.

The weird thing is, that a few years ago, Marcus and I were in the Ward (church) chior. This was one song we were going to sing. We hadn't had a chance to really practice it, so we took the music home to go over it. Marcus was eager to practice it with me, even though he could pick it out on the piano himself. So I have the wonderful memories of him and I sitting by our tiny little keyboard, singing this beautiful song, not really understanding how powerful the words were. Like the Lord was telling US that he was with us, that we need to have faith, and he will take care of us both. Now I will always cherish this song...

Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow! How they grow!
Consider the birds of the sky,
How they fly! How they fly!

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads,
Though the path may wind across the mountains
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this Earth,
The pains of all of them, He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

LDS Church Leaders preparing us for the 2nd Coming of Christ

I know that this is true. We are being tried and tested to strengthen us so that we can fight off evil, to prepare the day of the Lord's Second Coming.

Another Testament of Christ Slideshow

Amazing, beautiful, peaceful, and of course full of hope for all of us.

Friday, September 18, 2009

My Eternal Family

One year ago, we took our last family pictures. I love going back and looking at all the beautiful faces of my children, knowing that we will be back together like this someday. These pictures are taken in front of the Logan, LDS Temple. We believe that if we are married or sealed together there, that we will be together in the next life to come, FOREVER. That's what makes these pictures even more special. It is a constant reminder in our home as we look at our family, we see the Temple. What a blessing of peace.
Fall is coming whether or not I like it. I have been trying to come to peace with the changing of the seasons. I even went out looking for something decrative to put up to celebrate the changes, but it still just brings back all the tension and feelings I had a year ago as I had to prepare myself, my children and especially Marcus, for what was to come.
Now, John is a home teacher to an older couple in our ward, and she was just diagnosed with cancer and sent home on hospice. They only give her about a month, so of course, it breaks my heart. I hope and pray that they can have the peace from God that we felt back then. Life is unpredictable, and you never know when or what the Lord has planned for us.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


Late last night, after reading for a while, trying to get sleep to come, I got up to turn off the light. As I did, my emotions took over and I had no place to go with them. I have been keeping a journal for the last 10 months, so I grabbed it and started scribbling out what was on my mind. It felt so good to put these feelings SOMEWHERE! I have also noticed that my speech is fairly slow, and I have a hard time putting words to my feelings when I am talking. It drives John nuts when I try to tell him something because I pause a lot trying to find the words. Last night I grabbed my pen and the words just came flowing out. Maybe my journal can be a place where I can put words to what I feel. It also allows me to refocus on where I am and what I am going to do with these feelings... why I am going through this and what it is I am supposed to learn.

I really debated if I should share this or not.... it's very personal, but yet it is something I want to SCREAM to the world! I also want others that are feeling this way to know that its OK. Who can we say what is right and wrong to what we are feeling. So here it goes......

I could never imagine that death could feel this way.
I keep reminding myself.. "I am a Mother who has lost a child to DEATH!
I am the Mother of the Boy who died from Cancer.

My SON... MY CHILD, whom I gave birth to and was my first child....... DIED!!
My FIRST child who taught me what Motherhood felt like, who showed me what pure unconditional love really was.
He was the first one to call me "Mom" and reach for ME when he was upset.
He was the first to have my heart, to have me to himself... just him and I
He was the first to show me what absolute pure joy was every time he accomplished something that he worked so hard for.
He was the first to show me what forgiveness was, what a giggle and a wrinkled nose could do to my soul.
He was the first to tear me apart when he started to grow and an attitude grew with him.
He was the first to show me how God must feel about ME!
He was the one who taught me about true sacrifice and suffering. The first to break my heart into a million pieces as I watched him silently take on the burdens and pains that life had dealt him.
I remember thinking ... How do I teach my child to die? What can I tell him about faith and trusting in the Lord's plan? What if I do not have that kind of faith myself? Can I really look him in the eyes and PROMISE him "It will be worth it" when he looks at me and asks "why, Mom?"
He so willfully accepted what the Lord had planned for him.
He showed me how to have faith beyond comprehension. Surely he was too faithful to stay here.
My SON is the one who taught me and teaches me still. The pain I feel now will heal when I can wrap my arms around him again.....but for now I take on the burdens and pains that life has dealt ME, with my Son as my exemplar. He, from the other side of the veil, guides me with his love and beautiful spirit to the path that will take me to him, where we can live together, forever.
And now I ask the question.....

"Was my son really the child?"

Thursday, August 20, 2009

First day of school ...2009

Jackson, age 7, 2nd grade

First day of school on August 20, 2009! I was so ready for school to start up again!! I really am happy to have a schedule again, for kids to be "NOT BORED" and get them busy!! They really are so much happier when they are going to school and learning. Being with their friends is always a big plus too.
This morning while I was taking pictures, Jackson kept crossing his eyes and saying.. "hurry Mom and take the picture, my eyes hurt!" Crazy kid! It's a miracle I got him in a picture with them somewhat straight! He is the one who lights up a room and lifts our spirits on a daily basis.
I couldn't imagine my life without him, Noah and Aaron.

Both Noah and Jackson wanted their pictures taken with their bikes this morning, even though I didn't let them ride them to school today. Not sure I can trust Jackson to ride all that way, he sure likes to live on the "edge", so to speak, and staying out of the middle of the road is a big problem for him.
Noah, age 10, 5th grade

My Noah, so grown up and ready to take on 5th grade. This will be his last year at Providence Elementary. He still is so small! I bought him size 8 pants AGAIN this year! I thought he was growing, but maybe he is just going to save it all until he is 12 and grow 6 to 8 inches then. His brothers did that, but Noah has always been small. But he's a cool dude and is ready for football to start up again.... NO, I still won't let him play yet, he only weighs 70 lbs! He loves the Titans and is ready to start cheering for his team!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

It all started this week...

One year ago....... Hawaii.... The news of another tumor and really not knowing how bad it really was. That day has been going through my mind today and yesterday.
I remember looking at his face and getting this feeling of relief that we knew what we were facing, but yet I KNEW this was it. This would be the time I would lose him, I knew it with every fiber of my being. I just had no clue of how much time I would have, until we were in the hospital in Salt Lake. The Brain surgeon looked at the picture they had given me in Hawaii of his MRI. His face went blank and told me that what they had told me was swelling, was his major concern. After another MRI, the news was devastating, I knew it was time for him to go.
I really can't believe that I lived through that! I can't believe that it has been a whole year! Seems like yesterday in so many ways, but yet it seems like forever since my boy was here. I miss him everyday, but I am blessed to have his Spirit with me.
A woman I met told me that I have been given the blessing of "God's Valium". God's way of letting me be immune to what is going on to keep me sane. I think it's like the poem of "Footprints in the Sand" and that is when HE carries me. How else could I go on everyday? I still have to feel the pain every once in a while, but I know that I am being watched over.

Marcus had a card given to him in church that he carried with him its called "My Mission Commission". Since his death, I have found this card lying around in many different places thinking that the kids must be getting into it. I have put it away in my scriptures, John has put it away in his scriptures, and we have put it up where the kids can't get it. Day before yesterday I was having a hard day, and I found this card on the floor again, right in front of me. I sighed thinking that the boys had gotten it somehow. Then I read it, I mean really read it this time...

My Mission Commission

I am called of God. My authority is above that of the Kings of the Earth. By revelation, I have been selected as a personal representative of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Master and He has chosen me to represent Him. To stand in His place, to say and do what He himself would say and do if He personally were ministering to the very people to whom He has sent me. My voice is His voice and my acts are His acts. My words are his words, and my doctrine is His doctrine. My commission is to do what he wants done, to say what He wants said, to be a living modern witness in word and deed of the divinity of His great and marvelous latter - day work. How great is my calling !

- Elder Bruce R. McConkie

Then I KNEW that my son, MY MARCUS was telling me and reminding me that his calling is far greater than I realize! He is doing work that only he can do and he is happy serving HIM! What a powerful reminder that Marcus is doing great things and that he would only do what the Lord wanted him to do, go anywhere the Lord wanted him to go. I feel incredibly selfish!! Of course I am still human and miss him beyond words, but I feel selfish to want him here when he is going on and doing so much good for ME and all of us who knew him on earth!
Thank you Marcus for giving me the reminder I needed!! Oh how I love you and am so proud of you, even though my heart and soul aches to be with you again.

Male Angel Picture.

I found this flair on Facebook and I just fell in love with it! It reminds me so much of my Marcus... My heart just melts when I see it.... Its just beautiful to me. I would love to find a print of this, but not sure where to look. If anyone has seen it somewhere, please let me know... I think it is amazing!!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Marching Band Camp...

Aaron playing the baritone!

This is the first year I was able to go to Band Camp at Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. I knew it would be stressful, but I felt it would be good for me to go and help these wonderful kids, and it was. I am still trying to catch up on my sleep and I am completely wiped out, but it was worth it to see Aaron and what he goes through that week. It is INTENSE!!
They start out the day around 7:00, eating breakfast then they are out running laps, doing push ups and sit ups. They do hours of drills, working on marching skills ( you would think it was simple, but it involves many different steps that have to be exact) They have sectionals with their sections working on the music and sets. Then they work until 9:00 p.m. out on the football field putting it all together. The part that amazed me is that when they were out on the field as a whole, the Director would say to go to a certain set and they would run to the spot they were supposed to and know exactly what notes to play without music or cheat sheets!!
Luckily this year we were able to have the whole show before camp and they had 3 of the 4 movements learned before they left camp. Of course they have to work on those to fine tune them, but they are further ahead than they have been in the past. It is a more difficult show, but its amazing!

Girls from the talent show they had one night. It was a lot of fun to see their personalites come through.

It rained hard one day and when Mr. P sent them inside, they decided to play in the rain. Yeah, he wasn't too happy about it, so next time they will stay and practice in the rain...oh well.

Monday, July 27, 2009

My Shoes.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has(had)a child with cancer.
~Author Unknown

I got this from a friend.... It seems to fit.

Friday, July 10, 2009

My last month.

Getting through Marcus' birthday was part of my being absent the last month, but also back on May 11th, I had a little accident with my friends motor scooter. I think I posted in my little ranting not too long ago. Come to find out, my ACL was torn on my left knee and we finally decided on surgery.

On June 16th, 2 days after Marcus' Birthday, I had knee surgery to replace my ACL and to cut out part of my miniscus. Don't mind my beautiful photography of my leg, but I had to document it all somehow. It was hard for me to sit in a chair for any length of time, and so blogging wasn't what I could do. I still have to keep my leg moving so it doesn't get stiff.

I am still going to physical therapy twice a week, but I am 3 1/2 weeks out of surgery and doing ok. The Doctors think I am healing very quickly and I am progressing with my range of motion faster than normal. Of course it still isn't fast enough for me, but I guess I don't have a choice in the matter. I am thankful that it is going so well, I feel like I have been so blessed.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs....and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

-Mosiah 24:14-

Marcus' 18th Birthday.

As we all know, Marcus loved planes and was a huge World War II buff. He could tell you every military plane that ever flew and know exactly what it could and couldn't do. So for his birthday, we had been planning to get this plane to put out at the cemetery. So we get it out there and John and I were just sitting, watching it blow in the breeze, when John turns to me and asked.. Can we put it up in our front yard instead? Sooooo, that's where it is, right next to his tree.

It really was a somber day. Since it was Sunday, June 14th, we didn't do much to celebrate. Aunt Monica sent a beautiful, yummy cake which we all shared in honor of Marcus. Of course we remembered him and reminisced on his birth and other little antics that he did.
Out of all my kids, Marcus' birth (right after) and a few takes of him as a baby, are the only video's I have. They are 18 years old, so I think I will have to have them burned on a DVD. I did get them out and enjoyed seeing his beautiful eyes and that moment of holding him right after his delivery. I experienced almost a "slip in the veil" when I looked into his eyes for the first time and for quite a while after. I knew he was an "old soul" and they way he looked at me, I just can't describe. I saw him as a man. I really had a hard time talking to him in coo's or in baby talk. I was overwhelmed with so many feelings! Being a first time mother, just experiencing the joy and pain of birth, and then seeing this huge boy (9lbs, 10 oz..22 inches long)! But the thing that really took over was the feeling of where he just came from and WHO he was. What mission he had in life and I was responsible for him to fulfill it. And now I realize that he fulfilled that mission in spite of my parenting and responsibilities. He taught me more than I ever taught him. He will be the reason I make it in this world.

Happy Birthday Marcus. I love you and miss your laugh and your smile.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Remembering a beautiful day.

Among all these days that have brought on so many emotions.... the band banquet, Graduation, and Marcus' Birthday this Sunday... here lies the date of June 11th. On this day back in 1992, Marcus was approaching his first birthday, John and I had been preparing for a while to go to the Temple so that the 3 of us could be sealed and this was the date we chose. In our faith, we believe that being married or sealed together in the Temple by those holding the proper Priesthood, that we will be together not just here on earth, but for all time and eternity. This day means so much more to me today than it ever did.
I remember kneeling at the altar looking at my sweet John, both of us dressed in white and the mirrors behind him that reflected on like forever. The words "for all time and eternity" sent a warmth through my body and spirit that I can't explain. It was so beautiful to hear the words that we would finally be together FOREVER. I didn't think it could get any better, until they brought in little Marcus, dressed in a beautiful white outfit and sleeping as though he were in heaven. My Mom took him in her arms and knelt by us. As they put his little hand on mine and John's, I felt the burning in my chest and a joy that I cannot describe. I can honestly say that I have never felt that kind of love, peace and joy in my entire life than at that moment. I know that Angels were there and that God was promising me that no matter what happened to any of us, we would be together... forever. I knew it in my heart and in the deepest part of my Soul. That day lives on in my heart, and is even stronger today. What a promise! I know without a doubt that we will live together in the next life... forever and ever. John will be my husband forever and if I chose to live worthily, Marcus will be mine forever as will Aaron, Noah Jackson and my little one I lost in between.

Sunday, June 07, 2009


All I can say is that I am continued to be amazed at the kids that live here. I should have known better than to only expect the Principal to call John and I up right before they announce the other kids diploma and that would be it. OH, but that was not the case at all. One of the Salutatorians mentioned his situation and how this class responded with an outreach of friendship. The Valedictorian mentioned Marcus by name and how he inspired and helped their class learn so many things about life that they will take with them. Then, when they were getting ready to pass out diploma's the Principal called John and I up by name and commented on how we lost Marcus early this year but his spirit lives on. It was evident that was so true. I held my composure really well until they started reading the names of the kids who were in band with Marcus. As I saw their faces, it brought back memories of those faces with shaved heads, those faces with big smiles enjoying life, and those faces with tears as they stood at attention, saluting Marcus' casket as he passed by them at the funeral. I wanted to hug each one of them and tell them that everything will be ok. We truly were inspired to move here and have this community around us as we went through this hard trial in life. They helped Marcus deal with his cancer, accepted who he was and then remember who he was and what they learned from him. God was watching over all of us.
I still feel a constant hole in my heart, sometimes it feels so big that it could swallow me up. Other times its smaller and a peaceful glow seems to come from that hole, as if Marcus is saying "I am happy and doing what I love to do, Serving my Heavenly Father." I have to focus on those moments and keep my faith that we all have work to do, and this is where we all need to be. One day I will see him and hold him but he will be proud of Me.
I added a link to a video that a friend of Marcus' family posted to his facebook group called "In Memory of Marcus" for those who would like to see the presentation of his diploma. I hope you can see it, you may have to join facebook to see it, but I'm not sure.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

I am soooo sorry!

I should know better than to "vent" at 2:00 in the morning, when I am soooo tired and my depression and anxiety have the best of me.

This morning I opened up an email from someone that I have known and admired since I was young. She was inspired to read my blog this morning and read my last entry that was by far a very low moment. She sent me a beautiful email full of love, and caring encouragement. I am so grateful for her kind and loving words that made my heart fill with peace and renew my Faith in the Lord. I want her to know how thankful I am for her. God sent her to give me the peace and a reminder that I can receive strength through him.

I really am grateful for being blessed enough to have such special children. I am thankful to have Marcus as my son and he will always be my son for eternity. He has made it and doesn't have to deal with this cruel world, and especially his cancer. He has a mission to do and I know that he is watching over us. I am thankful that he was able to be there for Aaron and continues to watch over each of us.

I am thankful that no one has been seriously injured throughout all of this. These are just small bumps in the road compared to the eternal perspective. " I am not yet as Job, and do not suffer as he suffered". I have 3 boys here with me who I love and adore. They are my life and I will enjoy every moment I have with them. I am also so thankful for my dear, sweet, never failing husband John. He has such patience with me and my emotional rollercoaster. He keeps things going when I dig a hole and bury my head every now and again. He is a great father and provider. He never thinks of himself first and stands up for what he believes is right. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man.

MY HOUSE, I am ever so thankful for being able to buy this home that I love and that holds so many precious memories of our family. A place where I love the people around me. How thankful I am for the loving neighbors and friends that help me and support me. They think of me often and show what Charity really is.

My Mom. How I am so ever grateful for HER! She is amazing!! She held me up during the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life... watch my son die. She didn't have to be here, but she chose to, to be here to not only watch her grandson die, but watch her daughter endure the pain of losing her child. I will be eternally grateful to her for that and for my Dad. He let her go and leave him behind. Thanks Dad for being so unselfish to let her come here, time after time in my times of need.

This is getting long, but I have to mention my gratitude for my siblings. Each one of them gives me so much strength in their own way. The Lord knew what he was doing when he created families.

So there is my "UN_VENT" as you can see, my perspective has changed since yesterday. Thanks to a dear loving person who took the time to listen to the promptings and to write me a simple email. The Lord answers our prayers in so many ways!!! May God Bless you!!

A little female "VENT"

Today I feel alone in a house will all boys and a couple of Men. There have been a few experiences in our household that have been centered around Aaron. Some of you may have heard about them, some have not, so I will just mention them.
1) Aaron was influenced strongly by peer pressure and a Leader to let him shave his head. That ended up with many tears and a whole issue he hadn't planned on. Remembering the last time he shaved his head for his brother.
2) Aaron went with the Scouts shooting. One boy's double barrel shot gun wouldn't open so he decided to pull it up over his head to shoot it, but didn't think to take his finger off the trigger. As he began to pull it up, it went off making a huge hole in the ground at Aaron's feet...which sprayed shrapnel up on Aaron leaving welts and sores on his legs, stomach and arms. The leaders there were frightened and swear that someone (not visible to the human eye) held down that gun so that it didn't hit Aaron at point blank. THANK YOU MARCUS!
3) Aaron got bursitis in his knee and has been on steroids and antibiotics. If that doesn't help, then he might have to have surgery.
4) Friday night, the Scouts (yes, I let him go with them again!) went on a over-night camp out and rode horses the next morning. John (yes, my husband) went up early this morning to attend and have some fun. They come home and John is limping. Come to find out, 2 other LEADERS plus John are thrown from horses... not just once but twice and with John 3 TIMES! One of the other leaders ended up with at least 3 broken ribs, maybe 5... the other ended up with stitches by his eye. John landed on his back and side... he has a bad back as it is... I am scared to death what he going to be like tomorrow. I am afraid he really hurt himself, he just isn't showing it. Aaron also fell off his horse somehow, and says his chest must have hit the horn of the saddle, so now that hurts.

I have to mention that on May 11th, I took a leisurely stroll on my neighbors motor scooter, took a turn too wide and stuck out my leg which hyper-extended it which tore my ACL. That is the tendon that holds the knee together. So the 4th of June, I will be going in to schedule my surgery... MAYBE. Depends on who I will have to take care of .. either John or Aaron.

I really am angry right now. Here it is 2:13 in the morning and I can't sleep!! WHY? Because I (yes, me!!) am over reacting!!! I know nothing serious has come of any of this, but my nerves are completely shot! I told both of them not to go, and I am the one who isn't reasonable! You know that instinct that Mothers have, well my instinct is on OVERLOAD and I know when crap is way too close. I have had it!! Graduation is Tuesday, where they are supposed to give us and honorary diploma for Marcus!! I barely made it through the Band Banquet where they gave a beautiful tribute to him.. Memorial Day, and his birthday is June 14th. Aaron is supposed to go on a Trek to Wyoming with other youth on the 10th through the 13th of June. John and I were supposed to go with the youth, but can't because of my knee. I AM TIRED!! I can't take any more.... my nerves are so shot, I really don't know if I can really let anyone out the door of my house. I lost one, I can't survive losing anyone else. I hate that I am told by John and Aaron that I "just worry too much" or that I am "being over protective"... I am sorry. What am I supposed to do? I lost Marcus and I had no control over that, why couldn't it happen to anyone else? It obviosly has come very close!!!

I am so sorry for the rambling and venting, I guess tonight is when my Dr.'s prescription is going to have to help me unwind and sleep. I have worked myself up all day. Thanks for listening... YES, I AM JUST WALLOWING.... I know it could be worse.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Tree in Honor of Marcus

The Mountain Crest High School class of 2009, donated this tree in Honor of Marcus. What a beautiful tree for such a beautiful gesture. I am so proud of these kids who have thought of Marcus through out the school year and wanted to honor him in some way. This is a Flowering Pear tree, that does not produce much of a fruit. It blossoms in the spring, grows green leaves and in the fall turns a beautiful red/gold color. I look forward to that, because fall is a very difficult time. I have never liked October, now I don't like it even more, but I think this will give me something to look forward to as the seasons change.

Today my boys planted that tree in our front yard. We had thought about putting it in the back, but decided that it belonged where everyone could see it, enjoy it, but most of all remember Marcus.


Tulips and lilacs are signs of Spring. Unfortunately they both came out late this year. We usually have them in full bloom by Noah's birthday which is April 28th. This year we had lots of cold weather and we fell behind in the weather by almost 6 weeks. My tulips are pretty much the only flowers I have planted in my front yard, so they are pretty much gone by May. Sometime I will find something else that will bloom just as big in the summer.

Aaron and Stella our kitty. Stella has really taken a liking to the outdoors and has made a few friends outside, except for the dogs!

Yes, this is a picture of myself and my Stella. She has been such a great comfort to me through out all of this. She knows when I need a good cuddle and follows me around the house. I have come to love and appreciate so many things in this world. I know that God made many things so beautiful and loving to make us happy and feel joy while we are here on earth. Grieving through the long winter has taught me to look forward to the days of spring and the signs of hope that surround me. It all is a lesson of the way I can look forward to the next life where I will hold my sweet boy Marcus again.

Noah's "all boy" party.

Crazy boys! Noah's birthday was April 28th, but since I went to Women's Conference right after that, we postponed Noah's party. He decided that he needed to do an "ALL GUYS" evening. Bowling is one of the things he really likes to do, so we planned it at Logan Lanes. He invited his "bro's" and we got things rolling. Unfortunately, this time of year is sooooo hard to get around everyone's schedules with Soccer and Baseball going on. It's tough, so I know there were a few who didn't make it.
Noah did really well and beat everyone except for his Dad, of course. So now my Noah is 10 years old! The big double digits!!! I think I felt a lot more gray hair grow in just now.
Noah is taking piano lessons and doing well. He just ran the Wellsville Mile where a few hundred 4th graders ran and he came in 13th overall. He did a great job!! He is my big sports nut! Football is what he wants to play the most, but he is so small, I have hesitated to put him in. Maybe this fall I will let him. He is very athleticly minded, so I am hoping that means he will know how to get away from the big bad guys who can run him over and hurt him!!
I am very proud of him. Noah has always been my peacemaker and one who will always befriend the new kids

He is a good big brother and takes Jackson with him everywhere he goes. If any of his friends don't want to play with Jackson, then he will leave with Jackson and not play with them. He is an amazing child.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Noah's Piano recital.

Ok, I have been quite the slacker when it comes to updating.
Noah's very first piano recital was the 20th of April. He memorized it so quickly, I was very impressed. He is such a good boy and loves to play. Of course he wants to hurry and get to the fun songs, but all in all, he is doing well. I know I should work on getting him to practice more and on a better schedule, but he really likes to play.
Last sunday, 2 young men in our ward at church played a piano duet. His eyes lit up! I leaned over and said, "if you keep practicing hard, someday you and I could play a duet". He just BEAMED! He liked that idea. So maybe I can keep reminding him of our duet and That will motivate him to practice more.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Women's Conference

Every year, the Relief Society along with Brigham Young University put together a conference, or like a retreat for only women. This was my first experience going and I went with my dear friend, Julie Earl. We had so much fun. We stayed in the dorms, where the freshmen boys live when school is in session, so when we walked into the bathroom and saw urinals, it felt really strange. So we had to take a picture of us standing by one. How often do you get a chance to see those??
Anyway, the sessions were amazing and I learned so much. I guess it wasn't quite learning, it was more of feeling. What an amazing opportunity to sit with over 18,000 women from all over the country, (most I think were from utah) and listen, learn and feel each others spirits and support. A lot of families have little reunions there with Mothers, Grandmothers, daughters, old college friends, neighbors. We heard a lot of squeals in the halls as women would run into someone they hadn't seen in a long time.
One night they put on a concert and it was soooo amazing!! Brian Asher, and a few others from the "Reflections of Christ" display, performed "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing"... Yes I cried. Eclipse an acapella group sang some fun music, a woman on the violin played some beautiful movie songs and one of my favorite was Hilary Weeks. She is so cute, lively and so amazing with her songwriting and vocals. She has a new album and new song called "If I only had today". What a beautiful song! I almost sobbed, but it really was amazing.
The next day we were able to hear from the General R.S. president, Julie Beck. She doesn't hold anything back and tells it like it is. One thing that stood out in my mind is that she told us that we shouldn't sit back and be a victim to pornography. We need to stand up and fight! Fight for our homes to be a safe haven and fight to keep evil out. It was just a great talk. Then that afternoon we heard from L. Tom Perry, one of the council of the 12 in the Church. What a privilege to hear from him and feel his presence there. It was an amazing few days and exactly what I needed.