Monday, July 27, 2009

My Shoes.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has(had)a child with cancer.
~Author Unknown

I got this from a friend.... It seems to fit.

Friday, July 10, 2009

My last month.

Getting through Marcus' birthday was part of my being absent the last month, but also back on May 11th, I had a little accident with my friends motor scooter. I think I posted in my little ranting not too long ago. Come to find out, my ACL was torn on my left knee and we finally decided on surgery.

On June 16th, 2 days after Marcus' Birthday, I had knee surgery to replace my ACL and to cut out part of my miniscus. Don't mind my beautiful photography of my leg, but I had to document it all somehow. It was hard for me to sit in a chair for any length of time, and so blogging wasn't what I could do. I still have to keep my leg moving so it doesn't get stiff.

I am still going to physical therapy twice a week, but I am 3 1/2 weeks out of surgery and doing ok. The Doctors think I am healing very quickly and I am progressing with my range of motion faster than normal. Of course it still isn't fast enough for me, but I guess I don't have a choice in the matter. I am thankful that it is going so well, I feel like I have been so blessed.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs....and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

-Mosiah 24:14-

Marcus' 18th Birthday.

As we all know, Marcus loved planes and was a huge World War II buff. He could tell you every military plane that ever flew and know exactly what it could and couldn't do. So for his birthday, we had been planning to get this plane to put out at the cemetery. So we get it out there and John and I were just sitting, watching it blow in the breeze, when John turns to me and asked.. Can we put it up in our front yard instead? Sooooo, that's where it is, right next to his tree.

It really was a somber day. Since it was Sunday, June 14th, we didn't do much to celebrate. Aunt Monica sent a beautiful, yummy cake which we all shared in honor of Marcus. Of course we remembered him and reminisced on his birth and other little antics that he did.
Out of all my kids, Marcus' birth (right after) and a few takes of him as a baby, are the only video's I have. They are 18 years old, so I think I will have to have them burned on a DVD. I did get them out and enjoyed seeing his beautiful eyes and that moment of holding him right after his delivery. I experienced almost a "slip in the veil" when I looked into his eyes for the first time and for quite a while after. I knew he was an "old soul" and they way he looked at me, I just can't describe. I saw him as a man. I really had a hard time talking to him in coo's or in baby talk. I was overwhelmed with so many feelings! Being a first time mother, just experiencing the joy and pain of birth, and then seeing this huge boy (9lbs, 10 oz..22 inches long)! But the thing that really took over was the feeling of where he just came from and WHO he was. What mission he had in life and I was responsible for him to fulfill it. And now I realize that he fulfilled that mission in spite of my parenting and responsibilities. He taught me more than I ever taught him. He will be the reason I make it in this world.

Happy Birthday Marcus. I love you and miss your laugh and your smile.