Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
We also have had a visitor in our home. My dear best friend, Julie, has some amazing children; Kyle, Chelsea, Chandra and Bailey. Since we moved here over 6 years ago, our family and her family have become close. We consider them part of the family. Well, Chandra… who just graduated from high school and went off to Snow College this fall, got engaged! The wedding is set for December 28th, 2010! I am excited for her. I was a little worried at first, because of her age, but now that I have gotten to know Taylor a little better, I am very happy for her. Taylor is staying at our house while they are here since they have a rule that no-one’s unmarried significant other can sleep at their house. I am thrilled for them both, and feel like they will do well.
Having these distractions have been good for me. I have had my moments of feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday I even told my co-worker this.. “I just don’t like the Holiday’s anymore”!! Wow! This time of the year has always been my favorite since I can remember. Now it seems like the pain just comes and I just absorb it all.
This morning I was going through some blogs of some friends of mine. I have some friends who have gone through similar life experiences as myself, one of them is Tammy. Her son Nick, passed away from a brain tumor just about a month after I lost Marcus. She also lost a daughter to SIDS years before. I am sure the Lord has given us each other to learn and help each other. Well, at least He has given her to me to help me on these days when I miss Marcus with so much pain. Today on her blog, My Heart his Words , she mentioned all that she was thankful for and reminded me that I have a choice. I have a choice to sit and feel the pain of my loss, or pick myself up and enjoy the day filled with family and friends. I have a choice to bring the spirit of joy and happiness or one of sorrow and pain. Of course I will think of my Marcus and feel his spirit close on this holiday. So I am going to choose to find happiness this Thanksgiving and Thank my Heavenly Father for giving me my precious family. For giving me wonderful friends who have loved and helped me through the hardest times of my life. I am also so thankful for His redeeming Sacrifice so that we will all be together again some day.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I am so grateful she is out of pain and now she actually knows what it is like to take in a full deep breath, run, jump, do cartwheels, and just plain feel good, things she never could do on this earth. I am so grateful she was a part of my life. She is the closest example, to me, of what being Christ-like is. She had a unconditional love for everyone she met. She was concerned for others and wanted to help them in some way. She spoke of Christ as her best friend, wanted to do his will, and gave unconditionally. She was an Angel here on earth and continues to be now. She was an example of what Christ referred to as "be as a little child", believing, trusting and obeying the Lord. She will be exalted to the highest degree of glory for completing her mission here on earth and doing it with such a beautiful spirit, a joy of life, and having complete faith in her Father in Heaven. What more can we ask for, she deserves it all!
Back in August when we first found out that she wasn't eating and that it could be anytime that she could pass, I made a special trip to Arizona to go see her and her amazing family. I hadn't had the chance to see them since the year before Marcus died. I am so grateful that I went. She was so happy to see me, and has been every single time I went to see her in her life. When she heard I was coming, she traced a princess picture of Ariel for me and had been working on it for a while. She was trying to get it colored for me before I left, but she just didn't have the strength to do it. She would get it out, start coloring and nod off after a few minutes, but she was determined to do it. Finally, my last day there, she had most of it done but said she was done working on it for me. I feel so privileged to have one of her last works of art. It will hang in Marcus' room, which has turned into sort of a shrine... OK, it is a shrine.
I have been so comforted knowing that Marcus and Jessica now have each other. Over nineteen years ago, Jessica had one of her surgeries and Marcus was just a few months old. Nancy would come and hold Marcus where she would receive so much comfort from him while Jessica was in ICU fighting for her life. As I remember those days, I look back and think that Marcus and Jessica had a special bond from the beginning. Who would have ever thought that Marcus would die, and especially before Jessica. The Lord had plans for them, ones that we can't completely understand, but Nancy and I feel like we understand them more now than before. Families!! It's all about FAMILIES!! We are connected in this life, but also the afterlife. Our ancestors, our posterity... we are all connected and we all depend on each other. Our memories of them were taken at birth, but return to us in the next life. Those on the "other side" work for us and help us while we are here, they depend on us and we depend on them. I know that Marcus and Jessica will be by my side for the rest of my life. Marcus was there for Jessica to help prepare her to pass over and is there for Jessica as she adjusts to her new environment, just like my cousin, Martin (who passed away 13 years ago from a brain tumor at the age of 17) was there to help Marcus. I have felt my Grandparents, especially my Grandpa Horne helping me as well.
The most difficult part of this whole thing has been the pain that I can sympathize with my sister. Knowing what it feels like to watch your child slowly deteriorate, then leave their mortal body. We know what it is like to make funeral plans, kiss them goodbye and put their bodies in the ground. There is no other pain like it. Now my sister and I, who have never really seen eye to eye on a lot of things in our lives, share that pain. And now that Marcus and Jessica have each other, Nancy and I have each other. I know that we each have our own pain and sorrows, and every one's pain is different, but we can share the comfort knowing that if anyone can understand, the other can. This, I believe, was part of the Lord's plan.
I will cherish every memory of sweet Jessica. Take good care of her Marcus.... farewell and "till we meet again" Jessica.
Friday, October 01, 2010
As much as I hate to admit it, I had a birthday this month. Over-the-Hill jokes are old news for me. Once I turn 40, anything older than that is just a given and no need to remind myself how many years I have been over the top of the Hill. Of course, I don’t mind the gifts that go along with the birthday, it’s just the number of birthdays that is a bother. This year, We broke down and got a laptop. Our PC is on the fritz and I have wanted something that the kids could not ruin. That means that I have to hide my laptop so that little sticky fingers don’t get all over my keypad.
I decided to try out the fun features of a laptop, including the camera. It’s not a great photo, but here I am in all my glory! I have put on a lot of weight, as I have mentioned in past posts, but here is the proof. At times I am really embarrassed by my weight and other times I just don’t care. Well, I should say… MOST of the time I just don’t care. I am who I am and my life experiences have made me who I am. I wouldn’t trade them because they have taught me so much in my life, but then, It would be nice not to carry it around with me 24/7. I completely agree when some psychologists have said that weight is a actually baggage that we have taken with us through life. All I can say is… I sure have A LOT of baggage!! The last 2 years has added so much more. I am not in any hurry to get rid of this baggage. To me I hang on to it to remind me of what I have been through and not forget Marcus. I think if I do, I might not remember him as often as I do now. That’s crazy, I know, but I am hanging on.
We come to October and my heart sinks. I don’t like October for a few more reasons than the obvious. Now there is more to hate about October. My Niece, Jessica, is slowly withering away to nothing. Her digestive system has shut down now it is only a matter of time before she passes on to the other side. She has gone 61 days without any kind of food. She continues to hang on even though she is so miserable. Marcus is taking good care of her and will help her as she nears her time to pass over. It has been so difficult to watch my Sister, Nancy, go through the similar experience I had. It breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts to turn your child over to the Lord and trust that He knows that this is best for all of us. All of this has brought back so many memories of watching Marcus get ready to pass on. There are things that I remember that I haven’t thought of in over a year. Little things that only he and I shared. I have been amazed that my heart could still hurt so much after 2 years. I am sure that hurt will never completely go away, how can it? A piece of my heart and soul are gone. I do feel at peace with what Marcus is doing, especially for Jessica. I think Jessica has been his main focus since he passed, to prepare her to join him. She is quite stubborn and determined to stay on this earth.
All the torn feelings have come back to me. The sense of not being in the same earthly realm with everyone else. I remember saying it felt like I was on a little cloud floating outside of everyone else, watching them live their lives… running around and doing the daily things that need to be done. Almost like watching life through a glass window. Maybe I was. Maybe that was the Savior carrying me, lifting me up out of the complete darkness, comforting me. I have always wondered about that. Sometimes I can still feel that separation, like some things here on earth are just aren’t important anymore. I know one day I will understand it all. Until then, I will keep leaning on the Lord for support while I try to go on with a broken heart, knowing it will be healed someday.
Today I pray for my sister and her dear daughter who has fought everyday of her life to be here with us. May she have peace, Love and joy as she joins my son in the Spirit World. May Nancy and her precious family feel the Love of Jesus Christ and our Dear Heavenly Father as they go through the heartbreak of separation in this life. I know they are with them now.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I know I am crazy because I am admitting these feelings in a public place, where others can judge, point or just plain agree with me. My thinking is: Might as well put it out there, everyone else probably already knows how wacko I am. At least I am admitting my lack of sanity instead of denying that it exists. Maybe I am hoping that people understand why I am the way I am.
Being in my CRAZY mind at times feels surreal, almost like I am really not present in this body, that doesn't even look like me anymore. Is that my mind playing tricks on me? My weird mind showing me something I am not? Naw, it's me... well, it is my body that I have created in these few years. Adding over 30 lbs can really do that, you know? But just like the rest of my brain, I just don't care most of the time. NOT GOOD... I tell myself, but that voice isn't strong enough to keep the chocolates, diet cokes and other yummy foods from pilling in my mouth. It just feels too good... (See... I told you I have "lost it").
Off I go to take a nap... read a book or write my book... places that take me away from the CRAZINESS and give me some sort of other world to live in. Reality will come again, and when it does... I will be ready for it.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Breaking Dawn and Twilight Merchandise
I wasn't going to make this blog just a summary of my obsession with the Twilight series. I know there are many out there who think this whole thing is dumb or stupid... I COMPLETELY agree with you. On the outside looking in, I see a grown woman desperate to be a teenager again and that really needs to "get a life". My my inner self is so thrilled to the core with this whole thing, which makes all my selves think I really need some help!!! My boys, husband, family, friends are secretly AFRAID for me... I just know it. I see it in their eyes, hear it between the lines and my dear sweet John just tells me how WaCkeD out I really am!! So is this going to stop my obsession? Am I going to go to "Twi-hard-fans Anonymous"? NO FREAKING WAY!! Soooooooo on with my opinion of the Movie...
Eclipse is my favorite book of the series, and the movie just confirmed it. Action, Action, LOVE, Action!! Even though I knew everything that was going to happen, I was on the edge of my seat, frozen. I found myself a few times with a piece of popcorn at my lips, still, not making it into my mouth. Now THAT takes a lot to keep food out of my mouth!
Edward/ Robert Patterson... First I have to say, and I am eating a few words, that he has grown on me. His makeup is better for one thing and I think Robert has really settled into his character of Edward. So much more of Edwards personality was shown in this movie, including smiling. So much so, that I felt like he really had a soul and not just someone who looked like he was about to poop his pants. Maybe my heart would like him if Jacobs heart didn't break so many times.
Twilight and Eclipse Pictures
The boy after my own heart. I mean, come on, the kid (who is now 18!) rides a dirt bike! OK, so he has a great body and smile... yeah, THAT helps. I like to say.. "I was team Jacob, before team Jacob was cool". Maybe because I am a mom to teenage boys is why I have such soft spot for Jacob. I hate that he gets his heart broken. My review of him in this movie is.... NOT ENOUGH JACOB! The scene after Jacob was injured and Bella came to see him was cut way too short. Leaving out Bella's experience during their kiss was the biggest disappointment. It was my favorite part of the whole series!!! I missed her telling Jacob that she saw their life together... being together at Billies with Charlie and little dark-haired kids running around them. How comfortable she felt how natural it was. UUGGGHH. I felt like the whole point of the story was that if Vampires didn't exist in their world, they would be perfect for each other... no vampires, no wolves, no interference in their lives.
I did LOVE the movie and plan on seeing it again and buying the DVD for my collection. So forgive me if I spoiled anything for you. But it is... MY BLOG, MY THOUGHTS.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Stephanie has touched my heart and soul. I have heard of her through friends and news, but to hear her story from her own mouth, grabbed my spirit.... Not because I feel sorry for her, not because of her tragedy, but because of her testimony, her true love for Jesus Christ.
I can relate to her on different levels. I understand the pain of daily tasks... hers is more physical pain, mine is in my heart... I understand how she Mourns the loss of her old self.... I do as well. But she embraces her New self and accepts who she is now. She is thankful for her tragedy and what she has learned from it. I too am thankful for my loss and what I have gained from it, but I have not embraced who I am now.
I long for the days of when I felt complete joy... when I loved every part of being alive. I loved the wind on my face, the grass in between my toes, the rush that comes from giggling so hard that I thought I would burst, the sensation of doing a cartwheel, a jump, a kick... the chills all over that I would get when I danced to a moving beat, every being of my body and soul moved with it... loving someone passionately and the tingles and butterflies that came with every kiss. Now... with every breeze, every walk in the grass, every laugh and giggle, every dance, every time I kiss my husband.... I feel happiness, love and joy but my heart still aches, the pain still shatters, the hole still there to draw in what would make it "complete".
So now it becomes a quest..... "Who am I now?" I am not the person I was, nor was I meant to be. Who is it that God wants my to be? I am still a Mother to 4 boys. I am still a wife to my soul mate, my knight in shining armour, and clearly the most patient man on earth. Most importantly.... I am STILL a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. That is who I am and who I will always be. I need to trust in Him, allow myself to take it day by day... hour by hour... minute by minute. I hear that gradually those loves and passions return. I am counting on that.
Like Stephanie, I feel the same sense of comfort....that everything is where it should be, and that everything is going to be OK.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I laughed so hard when I saw this video! John doesn't think it's THAT funny. Maybe it's because he can relate to it too much? Can you believe this song is avaliable on itunes?? LOVE IT!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed.
Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
In some ways, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast, then in other ways, it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him, smelled his smell, heard his laugh and voice. I feel like the pressure to "get on with things" or to "get over it" is intense. I am sure people think, "Oh, its been almost a year and 1/2, I am sure she is better now." I know this, because I have thought the same way about others who have gone through things like this before I was faced with it. Yes, I am able to function a little better. I can talk about Marcus, and I do, without crying. But there are still the days where curling up on my bed, pulling the blanket over my head sounds like the only answer. Believe me, there are times that I do.
As far as functioning, well, that is still questionable. I got a job recently and I am enjoying it. I work from 7 am to 3 pm, which is when my kids get home. Perfect, but when I get home, I collapse. I either have to take a nap, or read a book. It is very hard for me to get up and fix dinner. There have been a few days at work that I have had a hard time finishing out the work day, afraid that I may "lose it" right there. I know I have only been working just about 6 week, and I know it will take time for my body to adjust to it, but it has been a good thing for me. I get to focus on something other than myself, my kids, my life and get away from being caught up in my feeling sorry for myself.
There are many more days of laughter and joy in my life. I really enjoy my boys now, more than I thought I would. I appreciate and love every moment that they are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other. They speak more of Marcus, they remember stories of him, they make little jokes about if he were still here, what he would do, they listen to his music. It does my heart good to see my boys healing before my eyes, all on their own, in spite of their Mother. The other day, I got brave and got the video camera out and watched part of the last Christmas with Marcus. He had taped most of it and had his voice as narration. I laughed at the comments he made, and at the gift he wrapped for John, he wrapped it with paper, then wrapped it completely in Duct Tape. It took John over a 1/2 an hour to unwrap it! Then, when I saw him open his first cell phone, a blackberry, that he really wanted, the tears began to fall. Just as that was happening, Jackson walked in. He jumped up by me, hugged me quietly and we watched it together. What a sweet boy.
During the time that Marcus was diagnosed, we signed the other boys up with a group called "SuperSibs". They help the siblings of children who have cancer. After I notified them of Marcus' death they continued to send their occational gifts in the mail. A month ago, I got an email from SuperSibs explaining that they never recieved the email I had sent of Marcus' passing until recently. Their computer system was messed up. So they sent the books and diaries to help siblings deal with their loss. Jackson immediate began to fill out the diary of his feelings of Marcus and wrote a sweet letter to Marcus. He was so excited to work on this book. What a beautiful example he has been to me. I have been blessed with such beautiful children. All of them are so wonderful and have taught me so much. I know I would be lost without their influence in my life. Even Marcus still is a big influence on me still.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
First, a friend of Aaron's, age 15, took his own life just a few days before Valentines day. Aaron wasn't really close to him, but they had known each other since 6th grade and "hung out" at school on and off since then. Aaron hadn't really talked to him since last summer, but it still was such a huge shock to him. He has been struggling with it ever since. I was sick the day of the funeral, but John took Aaron. What do you say when your son fought to keep himself alive, then face a CHILD that had no will to live? What can I say to Aaron? Losing his brother to cancer, then losing a friend to something that cannot be explained. We don't know what was in his mind that day, plus we cannot judge. I know our God is a merciful God. How can a child be completely responsible for a decision like that? How do I comfort MY child and heal his broken heart.. again? Aaron is such a tender-hearted person, he has been fighting depression and anxiety since Marcus' death and now it has taken on a whole new dimention. We will be going to the Dr. this week to help with this.
The next week, my Grandmother, Alice Nita Taylor passed away at the age of 92. It was her time to go and she was in a "home". It was such a blessing that she left. She has lived 44 years without her husband, and had lost a baby that she was reunited with. It was more of a bitter-sweet time, but after already dealing with Aaron's friend, and with Marcus' death still fresh, a funeral was still hard to deal with. My saving grace was seeing so much family and friends I hadn't seen in years! I focused on them and we remembered so many fun times and memories of Grandma T.
Amoungst the whole crazy times of death and funerals, I started a new job!! I am now working for a company who builds scientific sensors. It is a very small company where there are only 3 of us soldering and building these sensors. I am really enjoying it and has been a good thing for me to get out of the house. I can plug my ipod into my ears, sit down and do my work. Not having to deal with the stresses of "the public" is my kind of work. The people there have been great and work around my kids schedule. What a blessing! Oh and the paycheck is so nice to have!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
by Liz Ford, Madison WI, The Compassionate Friends
After the first year,
the pain changes from a crushing weight
to a wickedly cutting edge.
Time speeds up from grinding plodding
to a more normal routine.
And sometimes you can forget (for a moment)
that your whole life was destroyed
just last year.
After the first year
you start to remember the good times
and you can tell a funny story about your child,
and save the crying for later.
But sometimes it seems like you're the only one left who mourns.
"What's the matter with you, anyway?"
"Its been a whole year."
After the first year,
your child seems a little closer
and yet still so far away.
Miracle of miracles, you haven't forgotten
how he walks, his voice, the shape of his head,
or the solid warmth of his fingers curving around yours.
Those memories ambush you at many unlikely moments
and tear you apart.
After the first year,
your heart begins to thaw.
You remember that you once loved your surviving children,
and you love them again.
You remember that life used to hold joy,
and you rediscover some small enjoyment in living.
After the first year,
you pick up your burdens and go on.
Amazingly you have survived a blow
more painful than anything you ever imagined.
Even though you wish you could have died too,
its slowly dawns on you that you must still live...
because after the first year comes the second year.
Friday, January 08, 2010
It certainly was strange taking these pictures. It just didn't feel complete. There is just some sort of emptiness I feel in these pictures, and to others, they too have felt the same thing. My Mom even mentioned that opening her Christmas Card it was just a shock. Obviously she knew Marcus couldn't or wouldn't be in the picture, but she still felt the jolt of reality of it all over again.
This Holiday Season was definitely easier than last year, even though we all had our moments of grief and pain. We weren't able to go out and build our snowman because the snow was frozen so hard, we couldn't work with it. But we were able to go over to my brother, Brian's home for Christmas Eve. It was the first time in 2 years that we made it over there. We had a great time and experienced a little more joy.
Aaron performed in the Christmas Fantasy again this year, which is a concert/program for children about Christmas. All the Band members had to dress up as toys. Aaron had the great idea of going as a toy pilot and I decided that he could probably wear Marcus' pilot suit for it. Well, I think Marcus had other plans. For those of you who really know Marcus, he was very possessive of his THINGS. Especially when it came to sharing with his brothers.
Well, when it was time to get ready for the show, I couldn't find his uniform anywhere. I looked for 3 hours in every corner I could think of. I became very discouraged and upset. We had the suit out for his viewing and funeral, then I swore I put it in the box with all his clothing in it, but it wasn't in there! I went through that box 3 times and didn't find it. Aaron began laughing and said, "Mom, you know Marcus had something to do with this". We both started laughing because this was something he had done his whole life. Anything to not have to share with his brothers. Just as I had predicted, I found his flight suit, a week later while I was cleaning his room. I found a little suitcase that he used to keep his stuffed animals in, then it hit me that's where it was. Sure enough, there it was! I vaguely remember putting it in there, but I must have been seriously mentally out of it to do that. That is the last place I would have put it! So we can't help but laugh, thinking Marcus got his way again.
We have set a few goals for the new year. As a family we are going to try and memorize all 12 Articles of Faith. We also want to start some kind of memorial fund in Marcus' memory to help the Marching Band that he loved so much.
We enjoyed ringing in 2010 with our good friends, Julie and Gary Earl which ended up being a last minute plan. We truly cherish them and their entire family feels like our extended family.
I hope and pray that 2010 is a good year for all of us, and that we all will continue to feel the comfort and joy we need to forge ahead in our life here on earth.