Thursday, March 17, 2011


Coming out of a coma only to realize that I don't recognize myself, both physically and definitely not mentally.  Sure I have looked in the mirror everyday for my entire life, but the last few years have been with blinders on.  Slowly, little by little, I have had little clues that things just aren't OK.  My first big hint was when I saw someone who has known me since I was born.  I haven't seen her in years, but she would know me instantly.  When I went up to hug her, she had no idea who I was.  Even after I told her, she was trying to put it all together. 
I have seen pictures of myself, knew that I was gaining weight, but I was so involved with Grief that I just did NOT CARE!  For years I have not cared what I looked like, not cared if I was healthy or not, NOT CARED whether or not if what I was doing would eventually shorten my life.
One day, the lights came on! A new set of eyes opened and I saw myself.  REALLY saw what I had become.  THIS is not the person I planned on becoming.  THIS is not the place I planned on being.  I was in a HOLE. 
More importantly, I looked toward my Heavenly Father and felt sorrow.  Where is the woman I was working toward?  When I was a little girl, THIS is not who imagined, who I dreamed I would be. What have I done and how do I change it?
With support of a loving husband, I am attacking from every angle I know how.  We are working together to find ourselves again.  To find out what we are made of.. 


littlekeylime said...

Hi Karen, I'm so sorry to read this post. It could have been me writing every word. I know how you feel and am in the same hole. But with God, everything is possible! Just take it one day at a time. That's what I am going to try to do. You can do it! ~Michelle :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Karen, it's Sandy whom you don't know at all, but have followed your journey. It sounds like you are beginning to come out of that hole of grief you have been in. I pray that this is your time to begin to make it happen. Take your time, look for something beautiful with each day that you are awake. I am pulling for you to feel the healing power that our Lord is doing within you. It's another journey in your life, look forward, it won't be the same or normal but a new normal.It will be good for you, John, and those darling boys you still have on this earth. And that beautiful angel in heaven wants to see you feeling joy again as well. Take good care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I've watched you getting into this hole and as your mother, I have been very concerned about you. I have watched you facing this challenge and many ups and downs and was so far away I couldn't really help you. I'm so glad to see that you're ready to make a turnaround and so glad that John is there ready to help you. Pulling together, you both will be able to make this happen. I love you both and your wonderful boys and know that the Savior will be there to help you. Just put your trust in him and He will guide all the way. I love you both deeply and pray for you daily. Hang in there girl, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. (((Hugs))) MOM

Malie said...

It sounds like you are ready to take on new things. I'm so glad and excited for you.