Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dreaming while "Under the Weather".

I just had to get up and write this before it was gone.  Linda. My sweet friend, my sarcastic buddy is still gone.  There were so many things we had been "Planning on doing" which never got done.  That lunch date that we put off forever, the dinner outing we were going to do with John and Brad. Those things that we used to do on a regular basis together.  Girls night out was always fun. Until life happened well... death happened.  After such a loss, I pulled my legs into my chest and held on tight, not wanting to let anyone in on my pain.  It was mine and I had to own it, guard it and protect it. I was the one who had to feel it and grieve for my boy. No one else could do it, nor can they now. So up went the walls and my doors slammed shut. Closing off the world around me. I just wanted to be alone, and life drifted by.

Sure, I  pretended to function again, go out with the "girls" who called once a month to make sure I got out of my little prison of grief.  Linda was always there, not too pushy but not afraid to ask questions on what this kind of grief was like.  I liked that.  No one really asks those difficult questions, no one would dare, not even I.  That just meant she cared enough to 'go there'. 

So tonight, while only 1/2 sleeping and 1/2 awake from coughing, being slightly medicated.  I had a wild ride of a dream.  Sorry the details are not so clear, but I know it meant something. 

It felt like I was traveling/flying/ whatever it is that you do in dreams, but I know I was looking over mountains, hills.  Not sure where this is but it was beautiful.  I felt Linda with me somehow.  I knew she wasn't there physically, but she was there. Then I was standing in front of an old building with a worn down carport hanging on to it, I suddendly wanted to leave Linda a message.  I had no place to write but I wanted her to know something, or did she want me to know something?  I was so confused but I  knew I had to write something for her.  So I wrote on the patched up, plastered, white wall...and this is what I wrote.. (ready for this big revelation?)
"YOU SOOOO TOTALLY CHEATED!"  I laughed.
I was shocked that this, this crazy, sarcastic, phrase is what I wanted to say to her!  Like I really think she got off easy by leaving her amazing husband, 4 beautiful children behind?  Hardly!!  I know she is just beside herself right now, wanting to be a part of those kids lives.  To hold her new daughter that she never was able to see, hold, smell or touch.  The one she gave her life for!  Of course that is it.  She gave her life for her little Charlie to come to earth and get her beautiful body and teach everyone around her about pure love. Who else would do that? Linda would.  

So now the crazy cycle of life and death continues.  Life is so cruel at times, but someday we will completely understand.  I know that.  For now I am strapping my seatbelt a little tighter. Now go try and get some sleep before the sun comes up.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed hearing of your dream, hope you can comfort and peace within and go on with your life. I love you and pray for you daily. You need to focus on your family and be able to help them in their trials.
Love you...MOM

Karen said...

I agree Mom. This was a good closure and a good way to keep on living. We all get to that. :)