As time goes by....

What A Grieving Mother Really Feels ....

Hello old friend,

Oh yes you know

I lost my child a while ago.

... No, no please Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s okay
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see,
I was numb for so very long,
And people said,
“My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made it all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest,
began to choke,
Such a scream,
such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child!
My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on,
you see, everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,
”Their eyes seem to say- -No, no,
I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say,
“Oh, I’m okay”.
But inside I am crying,
as I turn away.
And so my old friend,
I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart. ♥

New Year.

2012

 I thought 2011 would be the year my heart would mend, I would be able to go on again.  I would be able to go back where I was before my heart broke, before the battle ever began.  Now I see the battle scars are too deep to just jump up back on my feet.

I have a new heart now with stitches and scars, trying to beat in spite of the damage.  A worn and torn warrior is what I am now, I have to accept that, no matter what.  I will never be completely whole, the way I was before the war.  That was never the plan, to return home without a change, for that is the purpose of this life here on earth.  It takes a lifetime of work to become someone better, the only way forward is to push on with might. Plow right through the thicket of thorned bushes and trees, there is no way around it.  The wounds and the cuts will eventually heal, along with our spirit which will shine bigger and brighter, with  confidence and faith that God is our Master, He knows what is best. 

This new year, a new chapter will be formed.  It is I who decides what will be written within.  As long as I have faith in my Savior, these scars, wounds, cuts, bruises and sores will eventually completely heal.  For He is the reason this life will be worth it, without Him, all hope would be gone. 

So today I realize that I am new, different in so many ways that will never be who I was.  I begin with a new point of view.... I need to Love who I am now, accept these changes and move forward, instead of whishing I was different.  When I can look in the mirror and love what is there, with all the battle scars, flaws, and bruises, I will find the happiness I need to move on. 

2012 is my year to love myself. 

"And if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God." - Doctrine and Covenants 14:7

My motto for 2012:  "Enduring to the end is more that just surviving, it is enjoying and loving where you are in the journey."