Thursday, August 13, 2009

It all started this week...

One year ago....... Hawaii.... The news of another tumor and really not knowing how bad it really was. That day has been going through my mind today and yesterday.
I remember looking at his face and getting this feeling of relief that we knew what we were facing, but yet I KNEW this was it. This would be the time I would lose him, I knew it with every fiber of my being. I just had no clue of how much time I would have, until we were in the hospital in Salt Lake. The Brain surgeon looked at the picture they had given me in Hawaii of his MRI. His face went blank and told me that what they had told me was swelling, was his major concern. After another MRI, the news was devastating, I knew it was time for him to go.
I really can't believe that I lived through that! I can't believe that it has been a whole year! Seems like yesterday in so many ways, but yet it seems like forever since my boy was here. I miss him everyday, but I am blessed to have his Spirit with me.
A woman I met told me that I have been given the blessing of "God's Valium". God's way of letting me be immune to what is going on to keep me sane. I think it's like the poem of "Footprints in the Sand" and that is when HE carries me. How else could I go on everyday? I still have to feel the pain every once in a while, but I know that I am being watched over.

Marcus had a card given to him in church that he carried with him its called "My Mission Commission". Since his death, I have found this card lying around in many different places thinking that the kids must be getting into it. I have put it away in my scriptures, John has put it away in his scriptures, and we have put it up where the kids can't get it. Day before yesterday I was having a hard day, and I found this card on the floor again, right in front of me. I sighed thinking that the boys had gotten it somehow. Then I read it, I mean really read it this time...

My Mission Commission

I am called of God. My authority is above that of the Kings of the Earth. By revelation, I have been selected as a personal representative of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my Master and He has chosen me to represent Him. To stand in His place, to say and do what He himself would say and do if He personally were ministering to the very people to whom He has sent me. My voice is His voice and my acts are His acts. My words are his words, and my doctrine is His doctrine. My commission is to do what he wants done, to say what He wants said, to be a living modern witness in word and deed of the divinity of His great and marvelous latter - day work. How great is my calling !

- Elder Bruce R. McConkie

Then I KNEW that my son, MY MARCUS was telling me and reminding me that his calling is far greater than I realize! He is doing work that only he can do and he is happy serving HIM! What a powerful reminder that Marcus is doing great things and that he would only do what the Lord wanted him to do, go anywhere the Lord wanted him to go. I feel incredibly selfish!! Of course I am still human and miss him beyond words, but I feel selfish to want him here when he is going on and doing so much good for ME and all of us who knew him on earth!
Thank you Marcus for giving me the reminder I needed!! Oh how I love you and am so proud of you, even though my heart and soul aches to be with you again.


Anonymous said...

I saw that picture of Marcus and my heart once again ached for you. It must be so difficult to go through all these dates with memories and wish you had your babe in your arms once again. The one place we have to go is to the arms of our Lord and how thankful is that. God bless you Karen and I will continue to keep you in my prayers for strength each day and for those days when you really feel low that God and Marcus will help you, just like the prayer card. Sandy MD

Anonymous said...

Karen - I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I have no idea what you are going through but wish you peace and want to let you know we think of you all the time. We love you and wish we were closer. Thinking of you and also missing Marcus.
Love Aimee and Doobie

Nancy said...

I clearly remember those difficult times. Do you remember the first time we spoke on the phone when you were in Hawaii? It was the day before Marcus went to the hospital. Jessica was very sick, throwing up and laying in my bed with me all day. We found out the following month that she has Ischemia of the bowels and without surgery (which won't help her) is fatal. The throwing up and diarrhea are symptoms of the ischemia.

We both had very sick kids and both had devastating news. I still can't believe that Marcus is gone and that Jess is still here.... fighting like crazy. Someday Marcus will come and help her to the other side where she will be free from pain. I know Marcus is watching over her and I am so thankful he is. I'm so proud of him and glad that he is so willing to accept the Lord's will.

Thank you for sharing what was on the card. What a beautiful message and how neat that Marcus is trying to get your attention. He always did like attention right when he wanted it, didn't he? hehe... just like Miss Jess. What a pair!

Love ya and so sorry I haven't kept up with your blog. I catch you on fb though! ;-P