Friday, October 02, 2009

October 2

October 2, 2006 is the day that we found Marcus' brain tumor. Hard to believe that it has been 3 years since we heard those words... You have a tumor in your brain... I remember being light headed, looking at this face of his, and knowing that this would be what took him from me.
I always knew I would lose a child, ever since he was born, actually before he was born, I knew I would have to give one of my children back. I never expected it to be him, but when I heard the doctor say those words, I said to myself.... "Its YOU!" It was so surreal.... like I was 1/2 in my body and 1/2 in a different place. I felt an overwhelming sense of being lost, like someone had to guide me through it.
The worst part was coming home, telling the boys... especially Aaron, then having to LEAVE them. I ached for them to be with us, to hold each of them in my arms. I knew Aaron would be wide awake, struggling with what just had hit him and no where to turn to. To this day, it breaks my heart knowing I had to leave him alone to deal with all of this.
This picture of Marcus was taken 2 weeks before his diagnosis. I look at this picture and see such a little boy in his eyes. I see such a healthy young boy who seems so innocent to life and has no idea what is about to happen.
Aaron and I went out to the cemetary today (Aaron doesn't like to go out there very often)When he goes, it seems like he talks more and more about Marcus. We talked about that day, 3 years ago and what it was like for each of us. Aaron joked about how much fun it would be to run through the cemetery on Halloween at midnight with his friends. He said... "I can just see Marcus sitting on his headstone waiting to scare us all to death and laughing his head off"... I had to giggle cause I could see him doing that. Aaron said when he told his friends that, a couple of girls were saying... "thats not very funny, Aaron"... like he was being disrespectful. But then Aaron said... "like you can't see him doing that". They all began to laugh and say, yeah.. you are right. I love the fact that he is thinking about Marcus and talking about him. A lot of Aaron's friends were friends with Marcus first, so he feels comfortable around them.
Today was just another "anniversary" in October. So many others follow that are so difficult to think about. I am just glad we don't have to go through it again, even though I would love to have a "Marcus hug" about right now. It is difficult with today's date... knowing what 3 yrs ago brought, but even harder thinking about a year ago... it just hurts... I HATE OCTOBER!!!


Anonymous said...

What do you say to a grieving mom that you only know through her writing on her blog after what I just read? Don't get me wrong, it was very nicely written. But so sad and painful. You and your family have been through so much. You have been robbed of a precious part of your life. Now you have memories just as Aaron's statement at the cemetary, because he knew his brother well. You all feel cheated, lost a son and brother. Karen this October will be difficult, and I hate to say it, with the passage of time it too will be better. Right now it's too fresh. Just love those boys you have because they grow up so fast and they will be out of the house before you know it. Cherish the moments you had with Marcus and cherish each moment you have with the other three boys. You have a lot of healing to do, take your time with your grieving. Sometimes we have to hate before moving on to the next stage of grieving. And keep writing, it's such a good way to let it all out and to heal. Praying for you daily. Sandy in MD

The Farmer's Wife said...

Karen...sending love and prayers your way through October. I am soooo sorry for your pain. Your journey through this experience has been inspiring for those around you. Thank you for that!

Stacie said...

I am sorry this is going month for you, we think about you often and pray for your family. We love you