As much as I hate to admit it, I had a birthday this month. Over-the-Hill jokes are old news for me. Once I turn 40, anything older than that is just a given and no need to remind myself how many years I have been over the top of the Hill. Of course, I don’t mind the gifts that go along with the birthday, it’s just the number of birthdays that is a bother. This year, We broke down and got a laptop. Our PC is on the fritz and I have wanted something that the kids could not ruin. That means that I have to hide my laptop so that little sticky fingers don’t get all over my keypad.
I decided to try out the fun features of a laptop, including the camera. It’s not a great photo, but here I am in all my glory! I have put on a lot of weight, as I have mentioned in past posts, but here is the proof. At times I am really embarrassed by my weight and other times I just don’t care. Well, I should say… MOST of the time I just don’t care. I am who I am and my life experiences have made me who I am. I wouldn’t trade them because they have taught me so much in my life, but then, It would be nice not to carry it around with me 24/7. I completely agree when some psychologists have said that weight is a actually baggage that we have taken with us through life. All I can say is… I sure have A LOT of baggage!! The last 2 years has added so much more. I am not in any hurry to get rid of this baggage. To me I hang on to it to remind me of what I have been through and not forget Marcus. I think if I do, I might not remember him as often as I do now. That’s crazy, I know, but I am hanging on.
We come to October and my heart sinks. I don’t like October for a few more reasons than the obvious. Now there is more to hate about October. My Niece, Jessica, is slowly withering away to nothing. Her digestive system has shut down now it is only a matter of time before she passes on to the other side. She has gone 61 days without any kind of food. She continues to hang on even though she is so miserable. Marcus is taking good care of her and will help her as she nears her time to pass over. It has been so difficult to watch my Sister, Nancy, go through the similar experience I had. It breaks my heart because I know how much it hurts to turn your child over to the Lord and trust that He knows that this is best for all of us. All of this has brought back so many memories of watching Marcus get ready to pass on. There are things that I remember that I haven’t thought of in over a year. Little things that only he and I shared. I have been amazed that my heart could still hurt so much after 2 years. I am sure that hurt will never completely go away, how can it? A piece of my heart and soul are gone. I do feel at peace with what Marcus is doing, especially for Jessica. I think Jessica has been his main focus since he passed, to prepare her to join him. She is quite stubborn and determined to stay on this earth.
All the torn feelings have come back to me. The sense of not being in the same earthly realm with everyone else. I remember saying it felt like I was on a little cloud floating outside of everyone else, watching them live their lives… running around and doing the daily things that need to be done. Almost like watching life through a glass window. Maybe I was. Maybe that was the Savior carrying me, lifting me up out of the complete darkness, comforting me. I have always wondered about that. Sometimes I can still feel that separation, like some things here on earth are just aren’t important anymore. I know one day I will understand it all. Until then, I will keep leaning on the Lord for support while I try to go on with a broken heart, knowing it will be healed someday.
Today I pray for my sister and her dear daughter who has fought everyday of her life to be here with us. May she have peace, Love and joy as she joins my son in the Spirit World. May Nancy and her precious family feel the Love of Jesus Christ and our Dear Heavenly Father as they go through the heartbreak of separation in this life. I know they are with them now.