No matter which word you preffer, THAT is how I feel today. It has been a while since I felt this kind of MADNESS to this intensity. Having no control on where my mind goes, nor what kinds of emotions surface in the process feels like I have completely lost myself. My brain is an island, covered in a thick fog, wondering what is real and what is not. I find myself taking in deep breaths as memories of the past come pounding through the fog like they own the place. Some of those are still so painful that I can feel my body tremble, my hands shake as my mind realizes that they are still true, not an imagined part of my life.
I know I am crazy because I am admitting these feelings in a public place, where others can judge, point or just plain agree with me. My thinking is: Might as well put it out there, everyone else probably already knows how wacko I am. At least I am admitting my lack of sanity instead of denying that it exists. Maybe I am hoping that people understand why I am the way I am.
Being in my CRAZY mind at times feels surreal, almost like I am really not present in this body, that doesn't even look like me anymore. Is that my mind playing tricks on me? My weird mind showing me something I am not? Naw, it's me... well, it is my body that I have created in these few years. Adding over 30 lbs can really do that, you know? But just like the rest of my brain, I just don't care most of the time. NOT GOOD... I tell myself, but that voice isn't strong enough to keep the chocolates, diet cokes and other yummy foods from pilling in my mouth. It just feels too good... (See... I told you I have "lost it").
Off I go to take a nap... read a book or write my book... places that take me away from the CRAZINESS and give me some sort of other world to live in. Reality will come again, and when it does... I will be ready for it.
1 comment:
Hope you are feeling ok. I selected next blog at random and yours came up. Rest assured, you are not mad but completely one hundred percent human.
I know heaps of people, myself included who feel the same way. One thing I know is that it is generally when you feel safe and comfortable and happy in your life that the stuff you need to deal with from the past, the stuff you have repressed will come up.
It also comes up sometimes if you have done yoga, or physiotherapy or some sort of muscular activity. The reason being is that you store tension in your muscles- like when someone annoys you and you clench your jaw and your neck tightens and sometimes when you stretch your neck out the emotional response comes with it. Very normal.
I don't know you- but it would seem from your writing that there is a link between the memory that came up and your weight gain. it adds as a comfort, a blanket a way to hide from your true potential.
I wish you all the very best - sounds like you have some wonderful transformative times ahead.
P.S. The twighlight series is one of my favourite too and I live in Australia!
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