A Bad Day... =o(

It seems like things like this only happen when John is gone. I imagine its because the boys are afraid that their Dad will bring the SMACK-down on them if he was around. I have been able to tell that the tension has been increasing in our home again. Usually its when an MRI is coming up, or when it's time for a chemo treatment, and it effects everyone. The next MRI isn't until the 14th of November, but I think the stress comes a little earlier this time because of everything else adding to that. The end of treatment we celebrated, but I think it has been more of a scarier hurdle to cross. Its like we are now on the defense instead of the offense. We feel like we are left alone to wait for the monster to come back and mess things up again.
I have noticed that Marcus's temper has been short as well as Aaron's. Marcus tend to get more violent and nasty with his brothers. Aaron just gets smart-mouthed and ornery. Marcus just let everything go this morning and was hurting his brothers left and right. (Not seriously, but pinching them or hitting them which I do not allow) So I went in to talk to him about why he was so angry. I asked him about if its his cancer, and he just yelled... "YES! This stupid thing has ruined my life!" He ripped down his poster of his favorite plane, an F-16...and screamed" I will never fly this plane or be able to join the air-force cause I have a freakin' hole in my head. Everything that I have ever wanted to do is gone. It's not fair." I agreed with him and told him that he has every right to be angry. He needs to get it out and let it go, he just can't let himself take it out on his brothers. His brothers are terrified of him and don't want to be left alone with him. It breaks my heart. I asked him if he is afraid the tumor is going to come back now and he said... "I know it is, Mom". He looked so angry with his hands in fists and a look in his eyes that really scared me. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I tried to reach out and hug him but he pushed me away. So I told him to go for a walk or stay in his room and listen to music. I went and took a long shower...... my crying place. It isn't fair, thats for sure. What I wouldn't do to just take it all away and do it for him. I wouldn't have ever guessed in my life that we would be doing this. I just wanted to hold him and take the pain away, but I know I can't do that. He is here to learn as well as I am. I know I have a lot to learn and he will probably teach me a lot. I am going to call Primary Childrens and make an appointment with the councilor there so he can talk to him while we are there anyway. I think that now treatments are over, Marching Band is almost over, he isn't doing well in his classes and his MRI is coming up that he doesn't have a lot to look forward to. He is pretty scared. I don't blame him, I have the same feelings, I can't imagine if it were me. I just hope and pray that I can be strong for him and that we all can find the peace we need to get through this.
Last Sunday in RS, as the practice hymn we sang "How Gentle God's Commands". For 1 millionth time I had heard the song but the first time the words hit me.

1.How gentle God's commands! How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord And trust his constant care.
2.Beneath his watchful eye, His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up Shall guard his children well.
3.Why should this anxious load Press down your weary mind?
Hast to your Heav'nly Father's throne And sweet refreshment find.
4.His goodness stands approved, Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at his feet and bear a song away.

Vacation Picture.

Here is a picture of Noah, Aaron, John and cousin Danny in New York. This is the day that John and boys arrived and met Aaron, Danny, and Ali at the house in Chautauqua. What handsome boys they are.

Aaron!!!

Aaron's 13th birthday July 5th, 2007. He was so excited to get the nintendo DS that he had been begging for, for months!

More Pictures.....

Ok, Mom. Just for you I will put some more pictures of the boys. LOVE YOU MOM!

Here is Jackson, John and Noah are in the background. This is during the Competition in Idaho.

CELEBRATION!!

Wow, what a party!!! Boy did we celebrate Marcus's end of treatment. I don't think I have ever had a party as big as the one we had on the 19th of October. We found a day that wasn't busy with John's campaign, Marching Band, Scouts,
Cub Scouts, or a Football game. We put up flyers in the Band room at school and passed them around town, mainly to people in our ward. I figured the weather would be cold and rainy/snowy since that is what it has been. But we were once again... BLESSED because my tiny house could not have held the 75 kids from Band and Church, plus the adults that came to wish Marcus well. I cleaned out the garage and set the tv up to watch Transformers, set up chairs and bought a huge cake from Sams Club. We had 3 coolers of soda and popcorn. Luckily the weather was wonderful and the boys played basketball in the back on our little "court", some kids "hung out" on the swings and some played night games. We had people driving by and honking their horns and waving. I think they were probably scared to come in, seeing all the kids there. Here is a picture of Marcus and his cake. I had to rush him over to the cake for a picture before the "pack of wolves" dove into it....haha. It was so nice to see Marcus have so much fun with his friends. I am so glad he has the Band kids to hang out with. They really are great kids. I did have to laugh when I heard a couple of the freshmen talking about their asthma medicine and inhalers like it was a thrilling subject. I guess they call them band-geeks for a reason...haha.
I am so touched by all the kids that came and showed Marcus how much they care for him. It was really overwhelming to see young kids so willing to support Marcus. I know we are supposed to be living here at this time where we could be close to Primary Children's and be in the best neighborhood, and ward. We have been so blessed. There is no way I could express enough thanks to everyone who has been there for us. We love and appreciate you all.

p.s. The next day, they went to Pleasant Grove to a competition and swept all the awards but one, and came in 1st place. They joked it was from Marcus's party and all the soda they drank...heehee.

Marcus Marching

I am not the best Film-maker, but thought I would try and post some video of the Band Competition in Pocatello, Idaho from October 13 2007. They placed 3rd, but they were competing against bands almost twice their size. I always like going to Idaho State because it is indoors and we don't freeze, plus I am able to get some better pictures because the venue is smaller. I only had my digital camera so I was only able to take a few clips. Sorry its so blurry, bumpy and short. I can only upload a small clip, so this is the Finale, and it ends with a good picture of Marcus.

New House???

Ok, I am feeling better today than I was. I am now focusing my energy to something that is constructive and something to look forward to. We might be able to buy a HOUSE! How about that? It just fell into our lap and at a really good price. We are putting in a bid and see what happens. This house does need work, mainly on the outside. MAN.... is it UGLY! It was built in the 70's and has a FLAT ROOF!!! I can't imagine why someone living in UTAH would build a house with Flat roof and of course the roof is damaged. It also has UGLY big dark brown wood shingles on the outside instead of siding. We will need to replace all the windows and sliding doors, put on a pitched roof before we could move in. We have a couple of neighbors that do things like this for a living and they offered to help. We would also have to replace carpet and paint. Not much, right.....HAHA. I know its a lot of work, but I think it would be a great opportunity for all of us. The boys would learn a lot about work and learn a few skills... (including me) The location of the house is just around the corner so the boys would have the same schools and church ward. The boys are pretty excited especially since they want a dog and a cat so bad. So we will keep praying that it all goes in our favor.

Pictures......

Why does this have to be such an issue with me? Last school year Marcus took his school pictures 2 weeks before he was diagnosed with his brain cancer. I couldn't look at those pictures for months because it represented him as "before" the nasty tumor. It just hurt too see that innocent face now changed forever. Now, it is time for school pictures once again.

Marcus has been trying to grow his hair out cause its getting cold again. The front part of his head has just sporadic hair strands growing in and has quite a few bald spots. Especially on the side of his head where he had the radiation. Well, he missed the first 2 takes of school pictures due to Band camp and then the big "shiner" (which is still lingering a little) he had from the "basketball in the head episode". So that just left today. Of course will all the band practices, scouts and chemo going on, he didn't have time to get it trimmed up by my cute cousin Jenny. (Love ya Jenny!) So monday nite we took a chance at one of the "walk in" places. I didn't expect miracles, cause there is no way you can cover up with hair you don't have. But when we got in, the only person available looked like she was 12 and just out of beauty school. Personally I think she was really freaked out about his head, and she had no ideas what to do with his hair. I suggested just waiting to cut it and just wearing a beanie over it for the pictures. He said "no, just shave it". He did at one time while he was getting in the chair say he didn't want to shave it, but then changed his mind again. I tried to coax him to wait, but he was persistant that he didn't want to have goofy hair for his year book pictures, so he told her to shave it. I bit my tongue cause I am just the mom. He also had it shaved with the tiniest clippers (that they use to clean up the edges) and so the only thing to cut it shorter would have been a a razor. I could tell once she began to cut, that he was NOT happy. He tried to act cool about it, but I could see it in his eyes that it was killing him. So I swallowed hard and tried to cheer him on and encourage him. What else are Moms for, right? He later said he thought it looked good and said "It will grow back even thicker". My heart just broke, but I kept it all inside until all the boys were in bed.

Once I knew that Marcus was asleep, I went in my room and bawled. I hadn't felt such pain in so long. All I could think about was Marcus's picture in his yearbook and him labeled the "cancer kid". How can I hang those pictures up on my wall and see that everyday? How will my family feel when they see his pictures, will they feel the same? How will he feel when he sees himself in those pictures? Its not like he hasn't been bald before. He has kept his head buzzed all this time so it could grow in evenly. But why does being completely bald bother me so bad? Its not like it was the first time. Maybe cause I saw the hurt in his eyes and there weren't 20 other kids there to support him this time. I guess its just I wanted so badly to be over this. I know it will never be "over" but this is supposed to be a happy time. A time to celebrate! We are DONE. The chemo, the radiation, the whole treatment . His last MRI was the same, and he is enjoying Marching Band and life. Why aren't I just happy for that? There are sooooo many kids doing so much worse and aren't able to have the quality of life that he is blessed with. I should be so grateful and thankful for the life we have now, which I am, but yet I am not. I know this is part of the whole process and for some reason (I really know the reason) we have to LEARN something in this life, and this is just a smidge of it. My Faith has grown so much in the last year, but yet I feel like I still fall so short. Its an ongoing process. So.........onward we go.

October 2, 2007

I hate this date. Every time I hear it I think of it as the worst day of my life.... ever. The day that we found out about Marcus's tumor. I will never forget that day cause it changed me forever. Its hard to believe we made it this far.

Sunday, Marcus started his last round of maintenance chemo (Temodar and CCNU). This time it seems to have more of an effect on him than most others. He is pale, tired, and not himself. He also has had a cough and congestion for a few days as well. I hope he doesn't get sick. He has been really healthy considering all that he has gone through and I am hoping this goes the same. He has been working so hard with Marching Band that I am afraid he will over do it and have to sit out a few performances.

Speaking of, the Bands first competition was last saturday. John and I weren't able to go cause I wasn't feeling well and neither were the 2 little boys. The weather was so cold, rainy and even some snow flurries. Marcus came home and told us all about the competition and how cold it was WHILE they were performing. Then, last night was the school's parent/teacher conference. Well, Marcus's Band Teacher searched me out and informed me that Marcus did NOT perform at the competition! I was FLOORED! WHAT??? Apparently, he got a really bad headache 15 minutes before the performance and it was bad enough, and lasted long enough that he couldn't go on the field. Mr. P told me that he was pretty concerned because Marcus turned really pale and didn't look well. I was just furious!!! Not only did Marcus not tell me, NO ONE called me. What if he had a seizure? Gosh, I can't believe that Marcus would lie to us like that. His excuse was he didn't want me to FREAK out and call the Dr. He finally admitted that he has been having more headaches lately and they have been in a different place. ( a little more to the right). Not sure what is going on, but his next MRI is the 14th of November and we will see what is happening in that head of his. He still has a knot on his head from the basketball hitting him over 2 months ago! It has gone down, but its still pretty obvious.

Aaron has really had an attitude lately. He is 13, so I guess I should really expect that more and more, right? His grades aren't going very good, and he has been sassing me left and right. He has shot up so fast, he is growing out of everything FAST! He is almost taller than me now. I just can't believe he is growing up. Having 2 teens has been quite a wakeup call for me. Yes, I AM OLD NOW..... haha.