It seems like things like this only happen when John is gone. I imagine its because the boys are afraid that their Dad will bring the SMACK-down on them if he was around. I have been able to tell that the tension has been increasing in our home again. Usually its when an MRI is coming up, or when it's time for a chemo treatment, and it effects everyone. The next MRI isn't until the 14th of November, but I think the stress comes a little earlier this time because of everything else adding to that. The end of treatment we celebrated, but I think it has been more of a scarier hurdle to cross. Its like we are now on the defense instead of the offense. We feel like we are left alone to wait for the monster to come back and mess things up again.
I have noticed that Marcus's temper has been short as well as Aaron's. Marcus tend to get more violent and nasty with his brothers. Aaron just gets smart-mouthed and ornery. Marcus just let everything go this morning and was hurting his brothers left and right. (Not seriously, but pinching them or hitting them which I do not allow) So I went in to talk to him about why he was so angry. I asked him about if its his cancer, and he just yelled... "YES! This stupid thing has ruined my life!" He ripped down his poster of his favorite plane, an F-16...and screamed" I will never fly this plane or be able to join the air-force cause I have a freakin' hole in my head. Everything that I have ever wanted to do is gone. It's not fair." I agreed with him and told him that he has every right to be angry. He needs to get it out and let it go, he just can't let himself take it out on his brothers. His brothers are terrified of him and don't want to be left alone with him. It breaks my heart. I asked him if he is afraid the tumor is going to come back now and he said... "I know it is, Mom". He looked so angry with his hands in fists and a look in his eyes that really scared me. It was all I could do to not burst into tears. I tried to reach out and hug him but he pushed me away. So I told him to go for a walk or stay in his room and listen to music. I went and took a long shower...... my crying place. It isn't fair, thats for sure. What I wouldn't do to just take it all away and do it for him. I wouldn't have ever guessed in my life that we would be doing this. I just wanted to hold him and take the pain away, but I know I can't do that. He is here to learn as well as I am. I know I have a lot to learn and he will probably teach me a lot. I am going to call Primary Childrens and make an appointment with the councilor there so he can talk to him while we are there anyway. I think that now treatments are over, Marching Band is almost over, he isn't doing well in his classes and his MRI is coming up that he doesn't have a lot to look forward to. He is pretty scared. I don't blame him, I have the same feelings, I can't imagine if it were me. I just hope and pray that I can be strong for him and that we all can find the peace we need to get through this.
Last Sunday in RS, as the practice hymn we sang "How Gentle God's Commands". For 1 millionth time I had heard the song but the first time the words hit me.
1.How gentle God's commands! How kind his precepts are!
Come, cast your burdens on the Lord And trust his constant care.
2.Beneath his watchful eye, His Saints securely dwell;
That hand which bears all nature up Shall guard his children well.
3.Why should this anxious load Press down your weary mind?
Hast to your Heav'nly Father's throne And sweet refreshment find.
4.His goodness stands approved, Unchanged from day to day;
I'll drop my burden at his feet and bear a song away.