I miss my Sisters!!

Sisters

November, 2007

Alice, Karen and Nancy

I was just thinking that it has been almost 2 whole years since I have seen Nancy, my sister! She and her family weren't able to come to Marcus' funeral because of Jessica being in pretty poor conditions at the time.

So we are planning a trip to Tucson, Az. in November to visit everyone down south. My brother Stuart, both of my sisters, John's brother and his Mother live in Arizona. I am really looking forward to this trip. It seems like forever since we went on a family trip, even just leaving the valley!

Consider the Lilies

I know this is an Easter song, but Sunday I heard it on the radio and a stream of memories came back to me. I never really paid attention to the words to this song until the other day.

The weird thing is, that a few years ago, Marcus and I were in the Ward (church) chior. This was one song we were going to sing. We hadn't had a chance to really practice it, so we took the music home to go over it. Marcus was eager to practice it with me, even though he could pick it out on the piano himself. So I have the wonderful memories of him and I sitting by our tiny little keyboard, singing this beautiful song, not really understanding how powerful the words were. Like the Lord was telling US that he was with us, that we need to have faith, and he will take care of us both. Now I will always cherish this song...

Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow! How they grow!
Consider the birds of the sky,
How they fly! How they fly!

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads,
Though the path may wind across the mountains
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this Earth,
The pains of all of them, He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

LDS Church Leaders preparing us for the 2nd Coming of Christ

I know that this is true. We are being tried and tested to strengthen us so that we can fight off evil, to prepare the day of the Lord's Second Coming.

Another Testament of Christ Slideshow

Amazing, beautiful, peaceful, and of course full of hope for all of us.

My Eternal Family

One year ago, we took our last family pictures. I love going back and looking at all the beautiful faces of my children, knowing that we will be back together like this someday. These pictures are taken in front of the Logan, LDS Temple. We believe that if we are married or sealed together there, that we will be together in the next life to come, FOREVER. That's what makes these pictures even more special. It is a constant reminder in our home as we look at our family, we see the Temple. What a blessing of peace.

Fall is coming whether or not I like it. I have been trying to come to peace with the changing of the seasons. I even went out looking for something decrative to put up to celebrate the changes, but it still just brings back all the tension and feelings I had a year ago as I had to prepare myself, my children and especially Marcus, for what was to come.

Now, John is a home teacher to an older couple in our ward, and she was just diagnosed with cancer and sent home on hospice. They only give her about a month, so of course, it breaks my heart. I hope and pray that they can have the peace from God that we felt back then. Life is unpredictable, and you never know when or what the Lord has planned for us.

Writing....

Late last night, after reading for a while, trying to get sleep to come, I got up to turn off the light. As I did, my emotions took over and I had no place to go with them. I have been keeping a journal for the last 10 months, so I grabbed it and started scribbling out what was on my mind. It felt so good to put these feelings SOMEWHERE! I have also noticed that my speech is fairly slow, and I have a hard time putting words to my feelings when I am talking. It drives John nuts when I try to tell him something because I pause a lot trying to find the words. Last night I grabbed my pen and the words just came flowing out. Maybe my journal can be a place where I can put words to what I feel. It also allows me to refocus on where I am and what I am going to do with these feelings... why I am going through this and what it is I am supposed to learn.

I really debated if I should share this or not.... it's very personal, but yet it is something I want to SCREAM to the world! I also want others that are feeling this way to know that its OK. Who can we say what is right and wrong to what we are feeling. So here it goes......

I could never imagine that death could feel this way.
I keep reminding myself.. "I am a Mother who has lost a child to DEATH!
I am the Mother of the Boy who died from Cancer.
My SON... MY CHILD, whom I gave birth to and was my first child....... DIED!!
My FIRST child who taught me what Motherhood felt like, who showed me what pure unconditional love really was.
He was the first one to call me "Mom" and reach for ME when he was upset.
He was the first to have my heart, to have me to himself... just him and I
He was the first to show me what absolute pure joy was every time he accomplished something that he worked so hard for.
He was the first to show me what forgiveness was, what a giggle and a wrinkled nose could do to my soul.
He was the first to tear me apart when he started to grow and an attitude grew with him.
He was the first to show me how God must feel about ME!
He was the one who taught me about true sacrifice and suffering. The first to break my heart into a million pieces as I watched him silently take on the burdens and pains that life had dealt him.
I remember thinking ... How do I teach my child to die? What can I tell him about faith and trusting in the Lord's plan? What if I do not have that kind of faith myself? Can I really look him in the eyes and PROMISE him "It will be worth it" when he looks at me and asks "why, Mom?"
He so willfully accepted what the Lord had planned for him.
He showed me how to have faith beyond comprehension. Surely he was too faithful to stay here.
My SON is the one who taught me and teaches me still. The pain I feel now will heal when I can wrap my arms around him again.....but for now I take on the burdens and pains that life has dealt ME, with my Son as my exemplar. He, from the other side of the veil, guides me with his love and beautiful spirit to the path that will take me to him, where we can live together, forever.

And now I ask the question.....

"Was my son really the child?"