Wednesday, September 02, 2009


Late last night, after reading for a while, trying to get sleep to come, I got up to turn off the light. As I did, my emotions took over and I had no place to go with them. I have been keeping a journal for the last 10 months, so I grabbed it and started scribbling out what was on my mind. It felt so good to put these feelings SOMEWHERE! I have also noticed that my speech is fairly slow, and I have a hard time putting words to my feelings when I am talking. It drives John nuts when I try to tell him something because I pause a lot trying to find the words. Last night I grabbed my pen and the words just came flowing out. Maybe my journal can be a place where I can put words to what I feel. It also allows me to refocus on where I am and what I am going to do with these feelings... why I am going through this and what it is I am supposed to learn.

I really debated if I should share this or not.... it's very personal, but yet it is something I want to SCREAM to the world! I also want others that are feeling this way to know that its OK. Who can we say what is right and wrong to what we are feeling. So here it goes......

I could never imagine that death could feel this way.
I keep reminding myself.. "I am a Mother who has lost a child to DEATH!
I am the Mother of the Boy who died from Cancer.

My SON... MY CHILD, whom I gave birth to and was my first child....... DIED!!
My FIRST child who taught me what Motherhood felt like, who showed me what pure unconditional love really was.
He was the first one to call me "Mom" and reach for ME when he was upset.
He was the first to have my heart, to have me to himself... just him and I
He was the first to show me what absolute pure joy was every time he accomplished something that he worked so hard for.
He was the first to show me what forgiveness was, what a giggle and a wrinkled nose could do to my soul.
He was the first to tear me apart when he started to grow and an attitude grew with him.
He was the first to show me how God must feel about ME!
He was the one who taught me about true sacrifice and suffering. The first to break my heart into a million pieces as I watched him silently take on the burdens and pains that life had dealt him.
I remember thinking ... How do I teach my child to die? What can I tell him about faith and trusting in the Lord's plan? What if I do not have that kind of faith myself? Can I really look him in the eyes and PROMISE him "It will be worth it" when he looks at me and asks "why, Mom?"
He so willfully accepted what the Lord had planned for him.
He showed me how to have faith beyond comprehension. Surely he was too faithful to stay here.
My SON is the one who taught me and teaches me still. The pain I feel now will heal when I can wrap my arms around him again.....but for now I take on the burdens and pains that life has dealt ME, with my Son as my exemplar. He, from the other side of the veil, guides me with his love and beautiful spirit to the path that will take me to him, where we can live together, forever.
And now I ask the question.....

"Was my son really the child?"


Anonymous said...

Karen, what you said had taken me to a place where I have never been. And I can't explain why it did and what it did, it just did. It made want to reach out and just hug you and scream with you. And yes our children teach us so many things along the way. My boys are now 39,38 and 35. They sometimes do become the parent because we don't know how to cope with their pain as their moms. Karen you are still grieving, let it out no matter how you do it, let it out and writing sometimes helps the soul. You have gone through such a traumatic experience, the way you wrote explains the pain you are in. And it's okay, grieving is part of life even though we don't like it or want it. It's painful especially when you have lost a child. No mother thinks their children will die before her. Hang on Karen, use the Lord and talk to Marcus to help you with this. Hug something of his tight. It takes a long time and remember it is okay. A friend in Christ our Savior, Sandy from MD

Jullie said...

Karen, that was beautiful. Thanks for sharing and know that you and your family are loved by so many outside the walls of your home.

Jeff's Wife! said...

Wow, so profound. So beautifully said. Now that I'm a mother, I could relate to a lot of your explanations about what motherhood is like. Hang in there. Keep writing. You're darn good at it! (And that's a compliment from an English teacher. heehee)

Nancy said...

Karen.... wow! Your writing was just beautiful! You expressed yourself so well. So many of the feelings you expressed I have felt about Jessica too. How do I teach her how to die? Five years ago Justen was trying to get ready to leave for a mission and Jessica was being placed in hospice. Two children getting ready to go on two very different missions. The Lord had other plans though and both are still by my side. Justen did a service mission here in town and Jessica improved enough to come off hospice but she is still slowly dying. Now Justen is getting married in December and will move out. Jessica doesn't do well with change and is so sad that she doesn't even have a boyfriend and so desperately wants to get married and have children in this life.

Karen, you have been an example to me. Being your older sister I've always felt the responsibility to be the example to you but the last year has taught me that YOU have so much to teach me! I love you so much and my heart aches for you. I can't be by your side physically but I am there spiritually and emotionally. The changing of the seasons always brings anxiety to me because Jessica always has such rough winters. Now it's even harder since it was one year ago that Marcus was struggling and preparing to meet the Lord. My heart is with you and I hope and pray that the Lord with comfort you.

Keep writing. It's beautiful, deep and inspirational. You are a beautiful person who is grieving. You have every right to feel what you feel. There is no one way to grieve.

Lots of love to you sis.