Monday, January 11, 2010

After the First Year

After the First Year
by Liz Ford, Madison WI, The Compassionate Friends

After the first year,
the pain changes from a crushing weight
to a wickedly cutting edge.
Time speeds up from grinding plodding
to a more normal routine.
And sometimes you can forget (for a moment)
that your whole life was destroyed
just last year.

After the first year
you start to remember the good times
and you can tell a funny story about your child,
and save the crying for later.
But sometimes it seems like you're the only one left who mourns.
"What's the matter with you, anyway?"
"Its been a whole year."

After the first year,
your child seems a little closer
and yet still so far away.
Miracle of miracles, you haven't forgotten
how he walks, his voice, the shape of his head,
or the solid warmth of his fingers curving around yours.
Those memories ambush you at many unlikely moments
and tear you apart.

After the first year,
your heart begins to thaw.
You remember that you once loved your surviving children,
and you love them again.
You remember that life used to hold joy,
and you rediscover some small enjoyment in living.

After the first year,
you pick up your burdens and go on.
Amazingly you have survived a blow
more painful than anything you ever imagined.
Even though you wish you could have died too,
its slowly dawns on you that you must still live...
because after the first year comes the second year.


Anonymous said...

Love that poem. I think you will find that out too as time goes on.

Anonymous said...

What a poem, heart wrenching but true. It's how God has made us feel and still go on because we have to for ourselves, our mates and the remaining children. And I hope each day, month and year you find peace and happiness again in your life. Sandy from MD

Karen said...

Thank you Sandy. So far the poem is pretty accurate. The second year I feel more peace and more joy. Thank you for your words of encouragement and love.

Anonymous said...

Karen, I feel I had to send this out to you. You are not alone in your journey of losing a child that year. I have come across two other blogs for card making with the moms suffering the same pain and mentioning how they are regaining part of their lives back. I will pray for each of you that God continues to heal the pain and give you back the joy and yet still hold your child with smile in your heart. Sandy from MD