Saturday, March 27, 2010

One Year, 5 months....


In some ways, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast, then in other ways, it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him, smelled his smell, heard his laugh and voice.  I feel like the pressure to "get on with things" or to "get over it" is intense.  I am sure people think, "Oh, its been almost a year and 1/2, I am sure she is better now." I know this, because I have thought the same way about others who have gone through things like this before I was faced with it.  Yes, I am able to function a little better.  I can talk about Marcus, and I do, without crying.  But there are still the days where curling up on my bed, pulling the blanket over my head sounds like the only answer.  Believe me, there are times that I do.

As far as functioning, well, that is still questionable. I got a job recently and I am enjoying it.  I work from 7 am to 3 pm, which is when my kids get home.  Perfect, but when I get home, I collapse.  I either have to take a nap, or read a book.  It is very hard for me to get up and fix dinner.  There have been a few days at work that I have had a hard time finishing out the work day, afraid that I may "lose it" right there.  I know I have only been working just about 6 week, and I know it will take time for my body to adjust to it, but it has been a good thing for me.  I get to focus on something other than myself, my kids, my life and get away from being caught up in my feeling sorry for myself. 

There are many more days of laughter and joy in my life.  I really enjoy my boys now, more than I thought I would.  I appreciate and love every moment that they are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other.  They speak more of Marcus, they remember stories of him, they make little jokes about if he were still here, what he would do, they listen to his music. It does my heart good to see my boys healing before my eyes, all on their own, in spite of their Mother.  The other day, I got brave and got the video camera out and watched part of the last Christmas with Marcus.  He had taped most of it and had his voice as narration.  I laughed at the comments he made, and at the gift he wrapped for John, he wrapped it with paper, then wrapped it completely in Duct Tape.  It took John over a 1/2 an hour to unwrap it!  Then, when I saw him open his first cell phone, a blackberry, that he really wanted, the tears began to fall.  Just as that was happening, Jackson walked in.  He jumped up by me, hugged me quietly and we watched it together.  What a sweet boy. 

During the time that Marcus was diagnosed, we signed the other boys up with a group called "SuperSibs".  They help the siblings of children who have cancer.  After I notified them of Marcus' death they continued to send their occational gifts in the mail.  A month ago, I got an email from SuperSibs explaining that they never recieved the email I had sent of Marcus' passing until recently.  Their computer system was messed up.  So they sent the books and diaries to help siblings deal with their loss.  Jackson immediate began to fill out the diary of his feelings of Marcus and wrote a sweet letter to Marcus.  He was so excited to work on this book.  What a beautiful example he has been to me.  I have been blessed with such beautiful children.  All of them are so wonderful and have taught me so much.  I know I would be lost without their influence in my life.  Even Marcus still is a big influence on me still.   

5 comments:

Jullie said...

Karen, this was beautiful. Thank you for sharing and remember that we care a bunch about your family!

Katherine said...

Karen, I love to see how you are becoming more...at peace (I guess is the word I would use)...
I have been trying to be at peace for almost 5 years now and it is still hard, although I can deal with it pretty well, it still hits me when I am least expecting it. Today the lesson in my 7 year old's Primary class was "We will live again" and she brought me the picture she drew...with the caption "Xander is going to come alive". That was hard.
As for the memories, I am not sure if it is better to have more or not. I cling to the few memories I have...pictures, smells, etc because that is ALL I have, which makes it hard to picture Xander in my life more. You on the other hand, are reminded of Marcus almost everywhere you go...which is a double edged sword...good because you have many more reminders of life with him, but harder because you can't get away from being reminded so much.
I pray that you will find peace and comfort especially this Easter season which means so much more now than it had before.
(((((Hugs)))))
Katherine

Katie said...

Wow! What a beautiful post Karen. I think about you all the time. . .take your time to heal. We love you!

Becky Heard said...

Wonderful blog.

Allison said...

I am so sorry to read about your loss. You have amazing strength and I find your words very encouraging.