Mothers of Children with Cancer.

I "stole" this from another blog of a family who lost their 14-yr-old daughter to Brain Cancer. It was beautiful and thought there would be others that would enjoy this.

THE CHOSEN MOTHERS
By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a
few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As HE observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger....

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew, Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia, Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

But does she have patience?" asked the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has its own
world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."

“No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she was here by My side.”

"And what about her patron Saint?" asked the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiled. "A mirror will suffice."

Jackson is 7!

Happy Birthday Jackson!!!

Don't ask me what that is all about.

Time flies when you are having sooo much fun! On January 15th, Jackson turned 7. He has grown up so much the last year, but still has his wild days. I had to get all the goofy shots in with all the good ones so bear with me on putting so many pictures. He really is a joy to have around! We did end up going bowling, but I forgot the camera, dangit! Its a good thing... I only scored 6 points in my first 4 frames!!! YIKES!!

P.S. Notice the big scratch on his face from our new cat. Maybe someday he will learn...sigh

P.S.S. Also I put 2 posts up today, this one and the next one.

What do you say?

When people ask how many kids I have, I say 4. That goes into how old. I really don't like making people feel uncomfortable by saying that Marcus has died and it also cuts me to the core every time I have to say those words. I know its the reality and I can't hide or ignore Marcus. He is my son, my firstborn and every parenting experience that I have had in my life has been with him. When I am in a conversation with others and they are talking about different things that their children do, why does it get so uncomfortable when I say that Marcus did the same thing or when I say something about him at all? It hurts more just thinking about not counting him as my child or keeping my mouth closed and to pretend like he doesn't count.

Today I went to Jackson's class to talk to them about Jackson, to show some pictures because his birthday was last week. He was sitting next to me and I was explaining the dynamics of our family. I said Jackson is the youngest in our family so I asked him how many older brothers he has (DUMB MOM) he looked at me with a questioning face and help up 2 fingers. It broke my heart!!! I said, no you have 3 and so I had him name them. He said Noah, Aaron... then looked at me with sad eyes and couldn't say his name, so I had to say "Marcus" for him. OUCH! I had no idea that was an issue with him. At home we talk about Marcus all the time, and how we are an eternal family, but I am guessing that he feels the same way I do. "What do you say?" There is no way around it, it's going to hurt. I don't like saying.."well, I have 4 boys, 3 living and 1 in heaven"... well, something to that effect, it just sounds bleck to me. I would rather say he died. So there is my issue for the day...........IT SUCKS! I think I'm ready for a diet coke and my chocolate right about now!

Oh how I miss this face!!!!

Relay for life 2008

I just wanted to share what a friend of mine (Heide Randall) did for the Relay for Life in VA last May. It is a video that she put together of her "Wall of Courage" that she had displayed there. The facts about Pediatric Brain Tumors are astounding. Please visit this site, Marcus is included in it, as well as Jessica, who is Heide's daughter. Heide has been very active in Childhood Cancer Awareness with a lot of support for Pediatric Brain Tumors. Jessica passed away in 2007 from the same kind of Cancer that Marcus had called "Anaplastic Astrocytoma".

Thanks Heide for all the work you do to get the word out about Childhood Cancer, as well as Pediatric Brain Tumors. You are amazing!

http://heidster.com/relay_2008/virtual_wall/index2.html

New Music

I updated the music here on my blog. I decided to put some music that I like, but also some that reminds me of Marcus. After all, this place is very therapeutic for me as I deal with all this so I figured I would put some music as well.
Marcus enjoyed classical music and really didn't listen to a lot of "pop-music" until he was about 13 or 14. (Except for the music I listened to) I know he had friends that came over and asked to see his music collection and pulled faces at his CD's. He would also play his baritone and pick out songs he would hear that he really enjoyed. For his Grandmothers 70th birthday party, he played a solo of Shenandoah. He loved playing that at home as well.
The Gladiator he did play in band, but his favorite part was "the battle" (mine too). There is a lot of low brass in that music that is beautiful and I loved hearing him practice it at home. He also played Pirates of the Carribean, but so did Aaron. They played from different ones, so I just like them all since I can hear the french horn and the baritone.
Muse, and the Lullaby are my favorites, OF COURSE. They are from the movie Twilight. Those books got me through the 2 months of Marcus' recurrence and lots of time in the hospital. The Aaron Neville is for John. He has always love him and the Neville brothers, plus that music is just a feel good song telling me that its ok to have a good time.
So that is probably way more information than you cared to hear about, but its good therapy for me, I guess.

My living room.

I finally put up (all by myself, mind you, with plaster walls and using MY drill) the big frame that has all 4 boys 8x10's in them, plus I put up the beautiful sign that Clary made for me last year, right above it.
I also rearranged my photos and things on the built-in shelves in the corner. The 2 figures on the 2nd shelf were given to us by our Bishop's family and a few neighborhood friends.
The next photo is of our entry-way with our entertainment center. I know its pretty cluttered right now, but I am working on it. And PLEASE don't look at the curtains! They are as old as our house and I am going to paint and get rid of those soon!!
The pictures in the frame sitting on top of our Etertainment center are the ones of Marcus that I found on the internet. Next to it is the Statue that I got the boys for Christmas.
Well, I hope that is all I have cause it has been a pain to put them up for some reason.
Also, I almost feel like I need to put something else by the big long frame. I don't know, John likes it like this. We will see.
Here you go Mom and Nancy. Now you can see my dirty, cluttered house and my new stuff up. =0P

Happy New Year!

It really has been a tough week for our family. The holidays have been a lot harder than I thought they would be, on all of us. The kids struggled some, but mostly I have of course. We were going to have our New Years Eve party with the Rowbury's like we have the last 2 years, but Jackson got sick with the stomach junk, so we just stayed home and played some games and hung out.
On New Years day we went out to the cemetery to check on our UofA snowdude. When we drove into the cemetary, we saw that someone on the other side of the cemetery put up a huge Christmas Tree. So we turned left and drove down this other way to look at the tree. While we were stopped, a completely white dove walked across the road. John drove up a little more, and the dove didn't fly away, it just walked slowly. We sat and watched it for a little while knowing that Marcus sent that dove to us. You really don't see white doves, much less in the middle of winter in Utah. What a beautiful sign of love he sent to us to let us know he is with us.