Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What do you say?

When people ask how many kids I have, I say 4. That goes into how old. I really don't like making people feel uncomfortable by saying that Marcus has died and it also cuts me to the core every time I have to say those words. I know its the reality and I can't hide or ignore Marcus. He is my son, my firstborn and every parenting experience that I have had in my life has been with him. When I am in a conversation with others and they are talking about different things that their children do, why does it get so uncomfortable when I say that Marcus did the same thing or when I say something about him at all? It hurts more just thinking about not counting him as my child or keeping my mouth closed and to pretend like he doesn't count.

Today I went to Jackson's class to talk to them about Jackson, to show some pictures because his birthday was last week. He was sitting next to me and I was explaining the dynamics of our family. I said Jackson is the youngest in our family so I asked him how many older brothers he has (DUMB MOM) he looked at me with a questioning face and help up 2 fingers. It broke my heart!!! I said, no you have 3 and so I had him name them. He said Noah, Aaron... then looked at me with sad eyes and couldn't say his name, so I had to say "Marcus" for him. OUCH! I had no idea that was an issue with him. At home we talk about Marcus all the time, and how we are an eternal family, but I am guessing that he feels the same way I do. "What do you say?" There is no way around it, it's going to hurt. I don't like saying.."well, I have 4 boys, 3 living and 1 in heaven"... well, something to that effect, it just sounds bleck to me. I would rather say he died. So there is my issue for the day...........IT SUCKS! I think I'm ready for a diet coke and my chocolate right about now!

Oh how I miss this face!!!!

6 comments:

Mindi said...

Of course it hurts hon, the missing him won't ever stop. It will get better, but it will never stop. You have 4 boys - and lovely boys they are! Just because Marcus isn't physically present doesn't mean you can't count him, or shouldn't count him. His time on earth counts for something! Talking about him will come easier in time. If someone asks you how many children you have you can proudly say 4 and if they ask their ages just tell them whatever the other 3 are and that Marcus is eternally 17, or whatever, I'm sorry, it's late and I can't remember for sure. You're his mom, you're not going to stop being his mom and he's never going to stop being your son - miss him all you want for as long as it takes. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

Oh Karen I feel so sad for you. It has only been a short while and you have every right to feel the way you do. Marcus is and was your son and you can and should talk about him. Those are your precious memories. People have a difficult time when we talk about those we lost. I know when my dad passed everyone just walked around it. I wanted to talk about him. He was a gem of a dad and he deserved to be missed. I lost a grandbaby in utero at 5 months and I still have her on my grandmother bracelet and tell people I have six living and a baby in heaven with the Lord. You tell people whatever makes your feel good. IT's okay to keep Marcus's spirit alive in you. You carried him for 9 months, nurtured him for 17 years and took care of him when he fell sick. Those things just don't go away over night and they shouldn't. You have 4 sons one of which is not on this earth but eternally implanted on your heart and you can tell people that. And I hope someday it won't hurt as much as it does now to tell people that. It's still way too fresh in your heart. Everyone grieves and mourns differently. Take your time and healing will come. Sandy from MD

Stacie said...

you are an awesome mother of 4 hansome boys, I wouldn't let the akwardness take away the years he had here on earth! Say it proudly and if they feel akward, they will just have to deal.
You are such a great example to me thank you!

Malie said...

Karen, 4 is your answer for the number of sons you have. The other ladies are right. That is the beauty of an eternal family. They will ALWAYS be yours. Marcus is just ahead of you in the game. I wish I were there to give you a hug, as well as one for Jackson.

Becky Heard said...

I know what you're talking about. It's been almost 15 years and I still don't know what to say! I think it kind of depends on who you're talking to? I know that I confuse people because before I get around to talking to them a lot, I tell them I have five kids. Then I'll start talking about "well, when I had my first baby, bla, bla, and then with my 6th baby, bla, bla." Then I'll realize that they must be confused and I'll have to explain. It's not fun. Right after Holly died I couldn't even talk about it and would avoid any situations where I might have to. I'm still not a huge fan of talking about her death, probably because most people make this big deal out of it, "oh, that must have been so hard! What was that like? Bla, Bla." Yeah, it was hard, thanks, but it's just a part of my life, can we move on to another subject now? What I'm saying is that I just tell people because it is a part of my life, and not because I want sympathy. Not sure if I'm making sense, lol. What I do know is that I could NEVER pretend that I did not have that little daughter. Just can't do it. 2007 was the first year I didn't mention her in our Christmas letter, and that was mainly just because I didn't feel I have room (& I've been feeling a little guilty about leaving her out, I will probably mention her this year). Sorry for such a long comment. Don't even think I made any sense. What I do know is that Marcus will be the most beautiful name you will ever hear for the rest of your life and that he will always be your son and that you will always be proud to be his mom and that you will find a way to let people know that.

Hall Family said...

Oh Karen, I feel your pain. This is Elisa Baum Hall.(I am Alice' age) I am glad I found your blog thru facebook. I enjoy reading and learning about your family. What a special son you have, and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about him and your families trial. I love to read about other mothers who have lost children, and how they cope with the loss. I lost a little girl in 2008, and find comfort others strength.(like yours)Even though times are hard, and you feel like you are not strong...you are, and others feel it. I love your family. You can go to my blog it is www.hallstory.blogspot.com To read about my little girl you need to go back to June 2008 or so! Tell Alice hello for me!