Saturday, February 07, 2009

Confessions.....

I figured that if I came clean in public that I would HAVE to do something about it. I am pretty embarrassed about it and have pretty much left my grief and stress to blame for my complete failure to take care of myself and my family.

As most of you may know, and those who don't, I will tell you. I have gained a lot of weight the last 2 years, but especially since we returned from Hawaii. (I did lose about 15 lbs before the trip which was a great feat) I know that seems like a petty thing, but this has finally gone too far. Since our arrival from Hawaii we were constantly in the hospital for Marcus and treatments etc. My Mom came for a month, left and then we just had people bringing meals. I don't think I cooked a single meal for months! So after all was said and done, Marcus was gone, family was gone, I walked into my kitchen and felt like I didn't know what to do, so I walked out. I tried a week or so later to go back in and cook, but I just fell apart. Dinner was our time together. There were so many days that I started fixing dinner and had to leave it. Not sure why, I have never been a big fan of cooking, but never to the point of tears and a break down! As many of you saw, I put pictures up in the living room, and cleaned out Marcus's closet. THOSE are the things that should bring me down, but cooking dinner for my family?

John, poor man, has tried to cover my spot as cook and has done a wonderful job. He is so much more than I deserve. But of course he is only human, he can't do it all, especially since he has been given more work to do at work.

I haven't been the Mom my boys need because I have been so selfish. Because of this problem, I have gained so much weight, that I have put my own health at risk. This last week has been a huge wake-up call for me. I have had head-aches for the last 2 weeks, but last week I had them so bad I was nauseated and vomiting. My neck and shoulders have been in so much pain. I went to a chiropractor thinking that would help my headaches and my neck, only to find out that my blood-pressure is sky-high! He has helped with all my headaches and things but my bloodpressure is still a problem. Monday morning I will be calling my Dr. and seeing what he can do to help me get this under control. Sure, many can say that stress and grief can be a health hazard, BUT if I had been on top of taking care of myself and my family I know I would not be in this situation.

So this is my confession and hopefully my inspiration to "Gird up my loins, fresh courage take".

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've had a lot to deal with and now you can take care of yourself and get back to your family, I think you have done a great job with the crisis that came each day. Now just go forward from here and get back on track. Don't forget to read your script. along with everything else. You're going to be OK in time, but it will take time. Life is full of stress but you've had more than most do for the last two years. Chin up! You can do it! Love ya! MOM

Anonymous said...

Karen, be kind to yourself. You have been on a rough road the past two years and now you are on another rough road, grieving. Motherhood is a gift to us from God and we don't plan as mothers to have our children taken from us. And now you have personally whitnessed that. Your child was taken from you and you did not fullfill all of your plans for him. Food is our comfort when we are on an emotional treadmill and our weight is what pays. As soon as healing takes place in your heart, your body will also start to be healed. Give yourself time, lots of time. Blood pressure and headaches go together and you may need some medicine to help with the anxiety until you come out of grieving and begin to heal. I know, I had to take it and am still on it. It helps. Take each day as it comes. You will see a brighter side, not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow, but some tomorrow to come. And go easy on the cooking. It is overwhelming for any mother any day. Serve sandwiches and soup. And when you are feeling down, dieting is not the way to go. Just get out, walk and get some fresh air. It helps with the seratonin levels. Not knowing you and just reading about you, you are strong. Take care. Sandy from MD.

Becky Heard said...

I agree with the other comments--don't be so hard on yourself! Your high blood pressure could be attributed to other things too, like genetics. My sister Marie has high blood pressure too, and I've got the high cholesterol. It's weird. You just never know what you're gonna end up with.

Ana said...

Hi Karen this is Ana Bradshaw (Artalejo, Laura's sister. I just wanted to say how proud of you I am. I can't imagine the heartbreak that you live with every day but Heavenly Father must truly be at your side every moment for you to be able to face each day and be there for your family! You must have a wonderful support system at home. You are in our prayers and I hope that your good days start to outnumber your bad days.

Can I also say that you are TOTALLY going to meet your fitness goals-no problem! Anyone can lose weight but not everyone would be able to handle the challenges thrown in your path, I am certain of that. Take care and thanks for inspiring me with your great example.
Ana B.