Monday, September 12, 2011

I miss my batman.
Found this from a fellow Childhood Cancer Mom.  It hit my heart, my soul.  I saw my Marcus in his batman cape, at age 5, jumping off couches, chairs, zooming through our house.  I saw him in the grocery store, spreading his cape out as he ran through the isles, using his grand imagination of saving people from bad guys, being the hero by taking on the risks of stepping in to save others. 

Stubbornly he fought to keep his mask and cape securely on, didn't want his identity revealed. He had to wear it night and day, no matter where we were going.  To his cousins house, to department stores, play groups, and even tried to wear it to church.  What a battle it was when I had to put my foot down and demand that church was not a place where batman would have to protect others, that God would do that for him. That calmed him and he understood a little more.

As my batman grew, he outgrew the mask and cape but still loved the idea of an unknown masked man saving others, still secretly wanting to be him.

Cancer found my sweet batman, and he took it on with a mighty fight.  I suddenly felt protective of my boy, felt that he needed a side kick to get him through.  Who would protect the hero from something fighting him from inside?  There weren't many options, but together we fought as best we could.  He stood strong and fought so hard, I felt so small, not much of a side kick, more like a cheer squad, until.... The cancer reared its ugly head and took on a last battle using all its weapons.  Batman was taken over by the nasty thing that fought him from inside. When I asked him during his final weeks "What do you want the world to know about Marcus?"  With a sweet chagrin on his swollen face he replied "I am the Dark Knight, I am Batman".  No cape, no mask did he don, he showed his true identity. He wanted the world to know, he was the one who was taking on the bad guy and saving others.

Now he can be the hero, saving others here on earth, while his identity is hidden.  I feel him next to me so often, I feel that Wonder Woman outfit, wanting to put it on again, but it is a painful.  I feel his encouragement and slowly I am getting back on my feet to help him save the world, well.... at least our family.  How proud I am to have batman in my life. 

Now... to work on Robin ( Aaron) and the Wonder Twins (Noah and Jackson)!  Batman is their sidekick they surely know.     


Nancy said...

OMGoodness! I remember our boys getting together, running around with their super-hero costumes! Brandon was Superman and Austin was Batman... they wore costumes that I made. Somehow Austin's little tiny batman costume turned up. It's on the shelf in the hallway and I immediately thought of it when I saw this post. The photo makes me sad. I know how much you miss your batman. But you do wear the Wonder Woman costume well. You are a hero - you are an inspiration to ME and many others!

I have the photo framed of Justen, Marcus, Brandon, Aaron and Jesse all together. Shortly after Marcus died Jessica saw that photo and said, "We didn't know that Marcus would die in that picture." She felt cheated that we didn't know what a true hero that he would become. But at that same moment I knew that she was not going to survive her CHD... that was a dirty little secret that I held. I'm glad that we didn't know back then what Marcus would face. I'm glad that he was able to have a "normal" childhood and do all the neat little boy things that he did. I have so many wonderful memories of our kids playing together. Sometimes I wish we could go back in time and relive those fun, wonderful moments.

I think of you all the time. I love you and thank you for your support and love. We'll get through this together.

Anonymous said...

Karen another well written piece. I hope you are writing like you said you would and keep it secret. You have talent and it shows from the heart about your sweet batman. We have so much to battle here on earth and we need that batman up in heaven to help us through. I hope this finds you to be continually healing and letting some sunshine in on your life. Your heavenly batman would want you to be happy even if it's a different normal happy. Keep letting that sunshine in each day. Sandy

Karen said...

Nancy, those memories are near and dear to me. Our boys sure shared some good times together! You have given me strength so many times as well.

Sandy, thanks so much for continuing to read my blog and give me so much support! It seems like the only time I really want to post something is when I am feeling emotional. So my goal is to write more and more on the sunshine in my life! Thank you for shinning the light that way.