I need a Donut pillow!

I have lived here 5 yrs almost and I still don't know how to walk on ice and snow! I went out to get the mail yesterday (I even put on my snow boots, so I wouldn't slip) and I wasn't paying much attention (reading CARDS!) and I stepped on the ice. I know it must have looked funny, because it was just like in the cartoons... my left foot slips so I catch myself with my right, it slips, I try to catch myself again with my left leg but to no avail... I was on my tailbone and my back... BAM! I hopped up so that if any of my neighbors saw me, they wouldn't call 911 and make a huge ordeal of it. Oh man, after sitting down for about an hour, I could feel the burn starting from my legs, through my hips and tailbone, my back and my arms (from where I tried to catch myself). This morning I am doing ok. Bending, sitting and lying down are a little painful, but I don't think I really hurt anything. I know my knee is kinda bothering me (the one I had surgery on 4 years ago after falling on ice) but I think it is OK. I can walk just fine. But we are getting more snow and the Temps aren't supposed to get up higher than 25 degrees for the next few weeks. OH I LOVE UTAH!
The boys are happy though. They LOVE the snow. Aaron is excited cause he wants to snowboard. Noah especially loves it, he and Jackson were out playing in it after dark last night, thanks to a rather large streetlamp right across the street. We have a little hill and the boys love to sled down it and try to snowboard down it as well.
Tomorrow is the High School's program of "Christmas Fantasy". It is a play-like concert and all the band members dress up in toy costumes. It is really cute. Aaron wants to wear Marcus' old band uniform and be a toy soldier. Not sure how that is going to work... but OK. That will be fun to go to and get in the holiday mood.... I HOPE.

The Headstone Pictures

As you can see, I got a nice pretty day after the snow storm. The sky was so blue, I had to include it along with the jet trails. I thought it was great that I could hear them while I was there. It is amazing that he is around me in so many ways.
While I was there, I was trying to take a picture with my cell phone. Well, amazingly my memory was full...(imagine that! Jackson and Noah love to take pictures). So I sat there deleting all these crazy pictures that the little boys had taken. I did keep some cause they do make some funny faces. Anyway... Close to the end of the pictures I found a picture that I had totally forgotten that I had taken last summer. It is a picture of my 4 boys sitting on a gate a Lagoon, all wet from going on one of the wet rides. All of them smiling like they are having the time of their life, except Aaron, he got the wettest and was probably the coldest. But there was Marcus's cute smile staring at me while I stand at his grave. VERY surreal! I sat there and shed a few tears thinking he just wanted me to know he was there. I am so thankful for the little Tender Mercies I receive everyday. They get me through each day.
I also had to include the beautiful view from Marcus' graveside. It was such a beautiful day that I had to post it. This is why I love living here. Whether there is snow, rain or sun this Valley is so beautiful. I just love it. It is a very peaceful place to live and raise kids. Not to mention the people here are just remarkable. They have blessed me and my children. I honestly believe that it takes a community to raise a child, and this place sure does a great job!

I hope you like the stone, it is a dark green color, and when the sun first comes up over the mountains you can really see the beautiful green colors. I am sure he is happy with it.

(p.s. in the last picture, the headstone in the far right side is Clarissa Packer's)

Its Up.

I got a call from my friend (Kristin Packer, Clarissa's Mother) and asked me if I had been out to the cemetery today, which I hadn't because we had an inch of snow and still some coming down today. She told me that Marcus' Headstone was up. She had been out there to put something by Clarissa's headstone and she saw it. This was around 4:30 p.m. and the sun goes down around 5:30 WITHOUT clouds and we had a lot of them. So I ran out there and was able to see it a little, but not the full effect.
What a bittersweet moment. Kristin was right, it sure brings closure, but it makes things so real and permanent. Pretty strange to see his name in stone, with a birth date and that death date. Very surreal. When things dry out a little, and the sun is out, I will go and take pictures of it. It really is beautiful.

Plan Designs

Here are the plans for Marcus' Headstone. There are just a few adjustments to make but tomorrow we should be ordering it.
We couldn't decide on the scripture or the verse from Come, Come Ye Saints, so we put both.
The scripture is from Marcus' book of Mormon. He had this scripture marked with a highlighter and with a piece of paper, so I am sure it meant something to him. Marcus got a lot of strength from the Pioneers and the scriptures so this is what he would have wanted. Hope you enjoy it.

When I get where I am going....Video

Here is a Song that John sent to me from work. He loves it and says it makes him think of Marcus. It is a beautiful song from Brad Paisley with Dolly Parton in the background.
I posted the words under the song.

When I get where I am going....

Here are the lyrics to the song that my dear sweet hubby sent to me.
Its a great song!

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

On a good ...."NOTE"

As I write this, my cute little Aaron is in Salt Lake with the Band performing on national television (well, sort of) during 1/2 time of the professional Soccer team "REAL Salt Lake" soccer game. It is soooo cold! But I am sooooooooo proud of my Aaron. He is such a sweet, caring, talented, adorable young man. He has been my "little ray of sunshine" throughout all of this. He hates it when I say that, but he is. That smile just gives my heart a leap of joy.
He has had his way of dealing with things the last few weeks with headaches, migraines, tention, sinus infection, upset stomach and has missed a lot of school. Unfortunately he gets all that from me. I am the anxiety queen! He has had this since he was a baby. He was my colic baby, and if we left home at all he cried and cried. As a toddler he would throw up if people came to visit or if we traveled anywhere. I think he has vomited on every relative we know! (Sorry to embarass you Aaron, but thats what moms do!) He has been in the background of Marcus' trial, but has been the backbone of our family. He takes over when he has to and takes good care of his brothers. I remember when Marcus was diagnosed. We went home, told the boys, packed the 3 of them up and shipped them to a neighbors house. It broke my heart to leave Aaron, knowing he fully understood what was happening, but to kiss him goodbye to take Marcus to Salt Lake, I almost felt like I was choosing between my children. I will never forget what impact that must have had on him.
The Lord gave me Aaron, to lighten my up my load, to shine a light on my darkness, and to keep me laughing when I want to cry. I have been so blessed to have all my boys, but Aaron has been such a comfort in my life. I know the Lord loves me because of the children he sent me, what a blessing.

Services

Marcus' services were just beautiful. It was a gorgeous day and everything went perfectly.
This is what we saw as we exited the Services. The Marching Band was lined up so that the casket and the family walked through them. It was so moving to see and hear these beautiful children with tears running down their cheeks, some even sobbing. I wanted to hug them all. They meant so much to Marcus.
After that, we went out to the cemetery for the dedication of the grave and a short program there. John's brother Matt said a few words, then a few of the Band kids played a quintet of "Come, Come ye Saints" which was Marcus's favorite Hymn. After that, the Band slowly left marching to the beat of one drum as though they had just performed. Where afterwards they were dismissed. It was a heart-wrenching act for all of us, but such a tribute to Marcus. I know he was so pleased and honored to be respected in this way. They are such an amazing bunch of kids. I have never seen any kids like these anywhere else we have lived. They really are a family of their own. Thank you Mountain Crest Marching Band, you kids are the best. Thank you for being a part of Marcus.


The day of Marcus' passing, text messages began to fly to kids around the valley. Monday morning around 200 kids were dressed in their best dress to show respect for Marcus. They took a picture of all these kids in the Gym at school holding a sign that said "We (heart) Marcus". The executive council from the High School presented this picture to me after the grave-side services. I was deeply touched and moved to see tears in their eyes as well. What a wonderful place we live in. I am so impressed with this, especially with the horrible things going on in this world. It is definitely a sign that these children are being taught whats right.
Thank you to all of you who helped in anyway with the Funeral Services and the Family Dinner afterwards. It all was just amazing and so comforting to have so many be there to help us through all of this.

Marcus John Russell

Marcus John Russell passed away on October 26th, 2008 around 5:00am in his home. He fought to the end. He will be deeply missed by friends and family.

There will be a viewing on Wednesday, October 29 at Nelson Funeral Home 162 E. 400N. Logan, Utah from 6:00pm to 8:00pm. Services will be on October 30, at the LDS Providence South Stake Center, (360 E. 450 N. Millville, Utah.) at 12:00 pm. with a viewing prior to the service from 10:30am to 11:30am.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers, support and love.

Update....

I always hate to post somber news, but I know there are a lot of people wondering how Marcus is doing. He really is deteriorating fast. We are pretty sure that he could "go" at anytime now. He is so week, unable to see or even speak much. His breathing is getting more and more erratic and his pulse is fast and unstable. He has been in more pain, so we are adjusting his meds to keep him more comfortable. He mostly sleeps, he doesn't eat and only has very few fluids since he can't swallow much. We are just praying that he goes quickly so he doesn't suffer.

Thanks to all those who are getting Marcus's name out there for good thoughts and prayers. Thanks for all the well wishes, comments and prayers you have left here and on his carepage. It is so wonderful to see how many love and care for us and especially Marcus.

Sad, Sad, News....

I haven't posted in a while, but life has taken a sudden change. We did an MRI because Marcus was having swallowing issues. The Chemo hasn't been working and the tumors on his brain stem and the cerebellum have continued to grow at a rapid rate. We have gone over all the options at this time and have realized that we would just be extending his time, but it wouldn't be good time. He would be miserable with side-effects and even then, the treatments wouldn't work. This Beast is an awful one, and one that they just cannot control even when resecting it. Nothing will help... NOTHING. So, unfortunately we have decided to stop treatments and try to make him comfortable. He still wants to attend some things and I won't stop him. Whatever he wants to do, I will make sure I get him there.

He is deteriorating fast. His balance is so bad, it takes 2 of us to get him in and out of bed. We have put him on hospice, and got him a hospital bed. He is slurring more, but still has his sense of humor. His vision is so bad, all he sees in double vision. He has talked a little about going on his "Mission" to help others on the other side. He is on a lot of steroids so his face is swelling more and more, plus they give him other side effects like irritability and joint pain. But he doesn't complain much. He listens to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir a lot and quoted to me the words from "Come Come Ye Saints" last night. He is a pillar of strength to me and those around us. He is my Marcus, even in that swollen face, I see those eyes that stare right through to my soul.

Family Pictures

Well, being the SLACKER that I am... we hadn't had a family portrait done since before we moved to Utah. That was in 2003! So here is our crazy family!

Its been a while....

But I wanted to just update a few things going on here. Marcus finally had his 3rd dose of chemo on tuesday (Sept. 22) in clinic. His platelets were finally right where they needed to be (barely) to give it to him. We got there and had problems with his port (central line) and finally had to re-access it again. They finally got it started around 2:00 pm. They gave it to him slower and pre-medicated him pretty well. He did get the cramping, nausea, and some diarrhea. He wasn't near as bad as last time, but they still wanted to watch him overnight. We got home yesterday afternoon.

As far as the next dose, that is scheduled for Oct. 7th. But they will be doing it in-patient just to be able to watch him close and maybe even separate the dose over 2 days. =0/ Might as well, we end up staying anyway. Marcus is doing ok today, but still pretty sickly. I am sure it will take a few more days to get his strength back. The Dr.'s are going to try and wait to do a scan after the next dose of chemo. So sometime in October.

He still has double vision, dizziness, and no balance. I guess the best way to look at it is that he hasn't gotten worse. That means (hopefully) that the tumor has at least slowed down a little. We will find out after the next dose and see if it is doing its job.

Our family is struggling, but the community, family and friends have been such a blessing to us. I don't know how I could ever thank so many people, but the support is wonderful! We love and appreciate everyone.

Benefit Dinner for Marcus

We made it home on Monday Evening (8th of September) from the hospital. His sodium levels finally leveled out and is currently on sodium pills.

Tuesday, September 9th, some good friends of ours put together a Benefit dinner for Marcus. It was just unreal how many people showed up. We imagine that over 1,000 people were there. Macey's (a local grocery store) donated all the food and goods, flyers were printed up and delivered by Marcus's friends, Huge posters were posted in Macey's store, it was announced over the radio stations, and "Big Blue" (USU's mascot) showed up. It was very over-whelming to see so many people come to support Marcus and our family. Marcus did feel up to going and was swarmed by his friends and others who love him. It has made a world of difference to him. He has been smiling more and has boosted his spirits.

Thank you to all those who helped in anyway to put this together. Especially Holly and Cameron Wright, Brett Mathews and the Executive Council of Mountain Crest, the Mountain Crest Marching Band, Macey's Food and Drug, Ace Banner and Sign, Square One Printing and all those who spent time preparing the food, baking their delicious baked goods for the bake sale, and those who spent hours over the grill cooking the burgers and dogs. You all have given so much more than you realize.

Thanks to all those who came and supported us. What an amazing act of kindness and love. You have shown love in a way that has given us all hope and given Marcus a reason to fight harder than ever before.

Still here!

They still can't get his sodium stable enough to send him home. They did some other tests and his thyroid levels are off so an endocrinologist will be coming in today to check things out. His Brain Tumor specialist won't be in until tomorrow, so I imagine we will be here tomorrow as well. What he has is cranial salt wasting and for some reason his body is getting rid of more salt than what he should be. His vision is worse now than before and can't see much at all, so he has been wearing an eyepatch of some kind to help. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of it soon. It is getting realy old for him and all of us. He just wants to come home.

At the "BIG HOUSE" again!

Yesterday, Marcus recieved his 2nd dose of Irinotecan and Avastin. Things did not go well at all. He started with diarreah, then the vomitting came on, then the horrible stomach cramps. He was acting a little more confused than normal yesterday anyway, but it got worse after that. They had to send for the medications and that seemed like forever before they were able to get it all under control. =0( Poor boy, didn't know where he was or what was going on. He kept apollogizing for the mess he made in the bathroom.
He is feeling a lot better today, just sleeping a lot, which is good. They had told us that we could go home, if his sodium levels came up with the sodium added to his iv fluids, but they didn't. So here we are again, for another night. I guess it is good we stayed because if they don't get those levels up, he is at a higher risk for seizures. They will be giving him higher doses of sodium in his fluids and will be checking his levels every 6 hours. (Thank goodness for centrl lines, he can sleep through those kind of blood draws!)
It is so very hard to keep positive and watch him go through all of this. His face is getting more and more swollen everyday because they still can't tapper the steriods off, he gets pretty confused, onery, and spacey. I have to remember that it isn't him that his acting that way, its all the crappy medicines, chemo and of course the "beast" that has taken over his brain. I keep on pushing forward, keeping faith (cause I have no other choice) that the Lord knows what is best for him and all of us.

It's a GIRL at the Russells!!!

I know, that is hard to believe, but saturday we went to Petsmart and adopted a beautiful, 6-month old kitten. I knew she was for us the minute I saw her. She is the most outgoing cat I have ever known. She loves everyone, even strangers who come to visit, she has to climb up on them, smell them and cuddle with them.
We have FINALLY found a name for her... STELLA. (After the skunk on Over-the Hedge) She is very sassy and has taken over the house with ease. She never acted nervous when we brought her home and she purred for hours as she investigated her new home. I just know she was meant for us. The boys love her, and believe it or not, she loves them. When they leave for school, or go to bed she meows for them, and goes looking for her playmates.
I think she is what our family needs right now. She has brought some smiles to our faces, even Marcus's, which has been hard to do lately. We are so happy to have her!

Pictures of Hawaii!

I finally got around to uploading my pictures, so here's a few of the many pictures we took on our trip. ENJOY!

At the airport when we arrived!

Marcus in the ER... he was such a great sport!

At the USS Arizona Memorial

Aaron and Marcus at the Memorial. What cuties!

Our Make-A-Wish Trip!

We left sunday the 9th of August and arrived that night around 8:30 p.m. with someone giving us some beautiful leis. It was so nice to be there and smell the ocean and feel the air. Monday we woke up and Marcus didn't feel well, headaches, nausea and completely worn out. We figured once again that it was the medicine along with jet lag. So we let him sleep all day, that night he started vomiting by morning, he had double vision. Tuesday we spent the day at the ER in Honolulu. They did a CT scan at first and found something in the back of his head, so they did an MRI. Sure enough, they found another tumor. After calls, and emails of scans to the Dr.'s here in Utah, we were able to put him on some steroids.
Wednesday, he woke up feeling better and we were able to go spend a few hours at Pearl Harbor. He was able to go on the tour and do the USS Arizona Memorial, which is what he really wanted to do. By noon he was so tired, so we went back to the Hotel and crashed. That evening he went out to the beach for the first time since we arrived and played in the water with his brothers.
Thursday, he went on his Helicopter Tour with John and really enjoyed that, but didn't feel much like doing anything else. We did go out to have dinner with our friends the Sasaki's. It was good to see them and another part of the island. We haven't seen them since we moved from Flagstaff 4 1/2 years ago, so it was fun catching up. We also got to see the Temple, which was all lit up and beautiful, of course.
Friday, we all went to the zoo, but by the time we got to the gate, Marcus was feeling too sick. So I took him back to the hotel (just around the corner). The funniest thing was before we realized we were right by the Zoo, we woke up to the sound of monkeys!! We were on the 23rd floor and couldn't figure out why we were hearing monkeys on the beach, in the big city of Waikiki. Marcus and Aaron would stand out on our lanai and call back to them. He still wasn't up to going on the submarine ride, so John took the other boys and had a good time. We did go out to dinner that night and look at some of the nice shops around town.
Saturday he slept and rested while we went out and bought some souvenirs. That evening we flew out around 10:30 PM. The plane trip was uneventful, landed in LA OK and then got to Salt Lake around 10:25 am. We had just grabbed our luggage and we were waiting for John to bring the car around, when Marcus started complaining of a severe headache. It got worse and worse. So by 11:05 he was admitted into Primary Children's expecting surgery to relieve pressure from his "new tumor". They did another MRI to see if there was fluid building up in his brain, but this wasn't the case. The surgeon sat me down and showed me there was "tumor" growing everywhere!
Monday morning our Dr. took us down to look at the MRI's from the 29th of July and the one on the 17th to compare them. We sat with the radiologist while he showed us that within the 2.5 weeks all this new tumor had grown. Not only was it just a spot on the back of his head, but all through the center of his brain, down toward the brain stem, in his meninges (lining of the brain), and lots of different other little spots around his brain. Including right under the spot where they removed his other tumor. We sat with our Mouths wide open... I honestly thought they were going to tell us that there was nothing left they could do, but Dr. Bruggers told us that we could try this new chemo. It is called Avastin, and Irinotecan.
So while we were there, they put in a "port" and began his first treatment yesterday (thursday). After all that we were able to bring him home last night. He has some balance problems and some vision problems, so he is using a walker and wheelchair. He is determined to go back to school on monday, but we will see if that can happen. He is soooo tired from the chemo as well.

So here we are.... at a place we didn't expect to be in this quick, but we are hoping that this chemo can extend his life and give him somewhat good quality of life. Of course we will take a miracle, but we are so thankful for the little ones we have had so far. We will never take those little "tender mercies" (as Stacie so well put it) for granted.

We closed today!!!

We just closed on our house today!!!! We finally bought the house we have been living in for over 4 YEARS! Every year we would ask if we could buy it, but the landlords didn't want to sell it. But this year they offered it to us. SOOOOO........ we are officially HOME OWNERS now!! I can't believe that after all this time, I can tear down those awful gold drapes in our living room that look like they came from an ancient Egyptian tomb! YUCK!! PAINT, PAINT and PAINT!!! I am so tired of white walls!!! I can't wait to pick out some colors and start working on making this place look like ours! YIPEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!