New Video.

As I said before, the video that I had made, Youtube didn't want me to use that music so I changed it up and used Creed, another band that Marcus loved. I also had to add more pictures plus I added a short video clip of my Marcus that I forgot I had.

My sweet Marcus. Oh how I miss you more today than yesterday!

April 26, 2009 - 6 months

Can't believe it's April and now it has been exactly 6 months to the day that Marcus died. Not only was it the 26th today, but Sunday as well. He died on a early Sunday morning. It has been a rough day for us, harder on John than I thought.
We went to church today and in the announcements they mentioned Seminary Graduation, then mentioned the names of the 3 boys from our Ward who will be graduating. Like a stake through the heart to hear those names and not Marcus'. John and I stood at his grave today, looking at his headstone, wondering if this pain will every subside. In a few weeks we will be going through Graduation. We will be accepting an honorary diploma in his name at the ceremony. We will be going on the Trek (I will expound on that later) but it is a very emotional thing, then the day after we get home from that, it will be Marcus' 18th birthday. We will be out there again with flowers and balloons, maybe the airplane we want to put out there. I miss him so so much. I feel at peace with where he is and what he is doing, but it just hurts soooo much to have him gone.
I got out my box today of the things of Marcus' that are very important and I want to save forever, like his birth certificate, his obituary, his Patriarchal Blessing and other things. I had forgotten that there was a letter that he wrote while he was at his Priesthood in Action camp, and as I read it I realized that he had to have known what his fate was going to be. He thanked John and I for teaching him from the time he was born to know right from wrong, for raising him well. He said he loved us no matter what, even through fights and tough times. He said he would love us to the very end. What an amazing letter! I am so glad I have that to read now. He knew what life was going to give him. I am so blessed to have had him for my son.
Tomorrow is another day and I will begin to post the things that have been going on around here. I will start with a new hope and strive to chin up and face the world. I will "Gird up my Loins" once again.

Fight Childhood Brain Tumors

May is Brain Tumor Awareness month, so in honor of that, I made a little video. It's a tribute to My Dear Marcus, and his struggle with this horrible monster of Brain Cancer. The music was cut out of it from Youtube, so hopefully I can get that fixed. I just directly put it on this page. The music is a group that Marcus really liked called "Nickleback" and when I heard this song, I knew this is what I had to do with it. Wear GRAY IN MAY!!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Happy Easter!

Easter has a significant new meaning to me this year. There is only one person who knows exactly how I feel, and what pain I have to carry. He didn't have to take that upon himself, but He did it for me, so I wouldn't have to carry it alone. What a blessing my Savior Jesus Christ has done for me.

As we go into this beautiful Easter, I would like you to remember another Brain Tumor Warrior, named Adam Wisdom. (Beautiful name) He passed away today, on Saturday the 11th of April surrounded by his strong and faithful family. His family has such strong faith in God and has given me strength. Adam was 16 and was diagnosed in Oct. 8th, 2007. Please pray for this family and that the Lord will comfort them. I don't follow a lot of Brain tumor kids, but Adam's story hit so close to home and the look in his eyes was so similar to Marcus'.

Here is Adam's caringbridge site: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/adamwisdom

Hope everyone has a Peaceful and Beautiful Easter.

An Apostle's Easter Thoughts on Christ

Happy Easter. The only person in the Universe who truly knows how I feel, and didn't have to.

A fun thing to watch.

Shauna sent this to me and it just made me smile and want to get up and dance myself! Love you Shauna Bnauna!

Come, Come, Ye Saints

Here is Marcus' favorite Hymn. He would repeat these words to me as he neared the end of his life. This is the version he just loved. He took so much strength from his Ancestors, the Pioneers.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing

I have signed up for LDS Nuggets. They are weekly spiritual thoughts sent to my email. They are all sponsored, and have an advertisement at the end. I usually never read the adds.
Today marks the day of the 5th month anniversary of Marcus' death, and the advertisement today, with the LDS Nuggets, was a new CD from Mormon Tabernacle Choir called "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing"!!! with a clip from YouTube with it. For those who don't know, this is the first song Marcus downloaded to his ipod when he got it and this version was sung at his funeral. He LOVED this song and especially this arrangement. He used to play it when he was feeling down. He truly is close by. Ohhhh how I miss that boy!

Dieter F. Uchtdorf - CREATE

My Cub Scout.

My cub scout, Noah, just had his Blue and Gold Banquet. He has grown up so much, I can't believe he will be 10 in April!! He will then become a Weblo, the last year in the Cub Scouts, then he will advance into the Boy Scouts at age 11!!! WOW! Where does the time go!
Here is Noah's Pack with their leaders. These kids are the Wolves, Bears (Noah is a Bear) and Weblos. They are a great bunch of boys and their leaders are wonderful as well. Thanks to them for their time and dedication to our boys.

Time.

4 months ago today.... seems like so much longer....who slowed life down? Oh how I miss my Marcus today. Its like my body knows when the 26th comes around, it is a little easier than last month, but it's amazing that a dumb number can cause such an emotional difference.

On top of that Aaron is getting into a little trouble at school. Nothing big, like drugs alcohol or anything like that, but just enough to get in trouble and go see the Principal.... I know he is just getting some attention and letting everyone know who he is and that he is here. He is trying to find himself and making sure people know he's not Marcus. He is such a fun kid and I know he is not depressed like he used to be. I know he's going to be OK, but what do I do with him in the meantime? He told me to sell him on E-bay.... haha.

Jackson is home sick today. He was throwing up this morning until school started, and now he seems to be fine. He has a program tonight where he is supposed to be Abraham Lincoln, maybe its just nerves. Gotta love being the MOM.

A Great Day!

In the LDS (Mormon) Faith, when someone who passes away very young, like Marcus, we are able to do Temple ordinances that they weren't able to accomplish in this life. For Valentines Day Yesterday, John and I went to the Temple and did that work for Marcus. We felt his presence so strong and knew that this is what he really wanted and needed. John had felt very strongly that Marcus really wanted us to do this for him so that he could go on and do work that God needs him to do. I know that Marcus is serving as a missionary on the other side of the Vail, and is helping us here on earth as well. It was truly a Beautiful Day.

My Niece Jessica.....

This post is about my Niece Jessica (Nancy's daughter). She was born with severe heart defects over 20 years ago and wasn't given much of a chance to survive very long at all. She is still around and prooving all the Doctors wrong! She had 5 heart surgeries where she had 2 strokes. She has over come a lot of things, and continues to fight daily for her life. She is very young at heart (like a six-yr-old)but fights like a Soldier. She is considered terminal and has been for years, but she is determined to stick around. She and Marcus have always had a bond and spent a lot of time together when they were little children. She has always been Marcus' biggest fan during the 2 years he was fighting his cancer. These 2 pictures are the last time Jessica and Marcus saw each other. These were taken in November 2007 when we went to Tucson for Thanksgiving. I know she wouldn't mind if I told you, but Jessica dreams of Marcus a lot. He has been checking up on her and making sure she is doing ok.

This picture is of Jessica holding her Aligator named Marcus. She chose that name because Marcus is brave and strong like an Aligator. Marcus is holding a star that Jessica made him to hang in his room to remember her by.

Jessica LOVES parties, especially barbie or princess ones. In this picture is Natalie (Stuarts daugter), Marissa (far left) Julie (far right)...both Alices' daughters, then Jessica.



This is Jessica with her brother Brandon. (and Marissa trying to sneak in) What a cute kid Brandon is.

Jessica's body is slowing down and things have gotten so painful for her. There is nothing more they can do for her, so we pray that things go quickly when they start getting really bad. It is a comfort to know that Marcus will be there for her, but just thinking about what she has to go through breaks me heart. It breaks my heart for her whole family who have struggled their whole lives having to deal with all this. Knowing what my sister has to do rips me apart and makes me wish I could take that all away. No one should have to experience that, but somehow and for a reason only God knows, we have to do it. It is my faith that gets me through all this and I know that it will all be worth it someday.

Please keep Jessica, Nancy and Karl, Justen, Branden, and Austin in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

My family...

I have been missing my family lately. I have been looking at some pictures of them from Christmas and from Marcus' Funeral. I thought I would share with you some pictures of my wonderful Taylor Family. (I will post John's family later, too many pictures!)

Here are my Parents: Ron and Julie Taylor. They live in Colonia Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico.

This is my oldest brother Brian and his wife Melanie. This is the only one I could find of them together. I have to explain this picture. Melanie shaved her head to cheer Marcus up when he was was going through his chemo again. I think she looks great!

This is my baby brother, Stuart, and his wife Clarissa. They are expecting baby # 3 in May and its another girl!!! We are so excited! They live in Arizona.

This is my other little brother, John, and his wife Mandy. They live in California and we love when they come visit.

This is my older sister Nancy, and her husband Karl. They live in Tucson Az.

This is my baby sister Alice and her husband Chuy with her cute family. Jesse, Julie, Marissa, and baby Hyrum. (Yes she is my biological sister) They live in Tucson Az. as well.

Confessions.....

I figured that if I came clean in public that I would HAVE to do something about it. I am pretty embarrassed about it and have pretty much left my grief and stress to blame for my complete failure to take care of myself and my family.

As most of you may know, and those who don't, I will tell you. I have gained a lot of weight the last 2 years, but especially since we returned from Hawaii. (I did lose about 15 lbs before the trip which was a great feat) I know that seems like a petty thing, but this has finally gone too far. Since our arrival from Hawaii we were constantly in the hospital for Marcus and treatments etc. My Mom came for a month, left and then we just had people bringing meals. I don't think I cooked a single meal for months! So after all was said and done, Marcus was gone, family was gone, I walked into my kitchen and felt like I didn't know what to do, so I walked out. I tried a week or so later to go back in and cook, but I just fell apart. Dinner was our time together. There were so many days that I started fixing dinner and had to leave it. Not sure why, I have never been a big fan of cooking, but never to the point of tears and a break down! As many of you saw, I put pictures up in the living room, and cleaned out Marcus's closet. THOSE are the things that should bring me down, but cooking dinner for my family?

John, poor man, has tried to cover my spot as cook and has done a wonderful job. He is so much more than I deserve. But of course he is only human, he can't do it all, especially since he has been given more work to do at work.

I haven't been the Mom my boys need because I have been so selfish. Because of this problem, I have gained so much weight, that I have put my own health at risk. This last week has been a huge wake-up call for me. I have had head-aches for the last 2 weeks, but last week I had them so bad I was nauseated and vomiting. My neck and shoulders have been in so much pain. I went to a chiropractor thinking that would help my headaches and my neck, only to find out that my blood-pressure is sky-high! He has helped with all my headaches and things but my bloodpressure is still a problem. Monday morning I will be calling my Dr. and seeing what he can do to help me get this under control. Sure, many can say that stress and grief can be a health hazard, BUT if I had been on top of taking care of myself and my family I know I would not be in this situation.

So this is my confession and hopefully my inspiration to "Gird up my loins, fresh courage take".

Mothers of Children with Cancer.

I "stole" this from another blog of a family who lost their 14-yr-old daughter to Brain Cancer. It was beautiful and thought there would be others that would enjoy this.

THE CHOSEN MOTHERS
By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a
few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As HE observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger....

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew, Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia, Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

But does she have patience?" asked the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has its own
world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you."

“No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she was here by My side.”

"And what about her patron Saint?" asked the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiled. "A mirror will suffice."

Jackson is 7!

Happy Birthday Jackson!!!

Don't ask me what that is all about.

Time flies when you are having sooo much fun! On January 15th, Jackson turned 7. He has grown up so much the last year, but still has his wild days. I had to get all the goofy shots in with all the good ones so bear with me on putting so many pictures. He really is a joy to have around! We did end up going bowling, but I forgot the camera, dangit! Its a good thing... I only scored 6 points in my first 4 frames!!! YIKES!!

P.S. Notice the big scratch on his face from our new cat. Maybe someday he will learn...sigh

P.S.S. Also I put 2 posts up today, this one and the next one.

What do you say?

When people ask how many kids I have, I say 4. That goes into how old. I really don't like making people feel uncomfortable by saying that Marcus has died and it also cuts me to the core every time I have to say those words. I know its the reality and I can't hide or ignore Marcus. He is my son, my firstborn and every parenting experience that I have had in my life has been with him. When I am in a conversation with others and they are talking about different things that their children do, why does it get so uncomfortable when I say that Marcus did the same thing or when I say something about him at all? It hurts more just thinking about not counting him as my child or keeping my mouth closed and to pretend like he doesn't count.

Today I went to Jackson's class to talk to them about Jackson, to show some pictures because his birthday was last week. He was sitting next to me and I was explaining the dynamics of our family. I said Jackson is the youngest in our family so I asked him how many older brothers he has (DUMB MOM) he looked at me with a questioning face and help up 2 fingers. It broke my heart!!! I said, no you have 3 and so I had him name them. He said Noah, Aaron... then looked at me with sad eyes and couldn't say his name, so I had to say "Marcus" for him. OUCH! I had no idea that was an issue with him. At home we talk about Marcus all the time, and how we are an eternal family, but I am guessing that he feels the same way I do. "What do you say?" There is no way around it, it's going to hurt. I don't like saying.."well, I have 4 boys, 3 living and 1 in heaven"... well, something to that effect, it just sounds bleck to me. I would rather say he died. So there is my issue for the day...........IT SUCKS! I think I'm ready for a diet coke and my chocolate right about now!

Oh how I miss this face!!!!

Relay for life 2008

I just wanted to share what a friend of mine (Heide Randall) did for the Relay for Life in VA last May. It is a video that she put together of her "Wall of Courage" that she had displayed there. The facts about Pediatric Brain Tumors are astounding. Please visit this site, Marcus is included in it, as well as Jessica, who is Heide's daughter. Heide has been very active in Childhood Cancer Awareness with a lot of support for Pediatric Brain Tumors. Jessica passed away in 2007 from the same kind of Cancer that Marcus had called "Anaplastic Astrocytoma".

Thanks Heide for all the work you do to get the word out about Childhood Cancer, as well as Pediatric Brain Tumors. You are amazing!

http://heidster.com/relay_2008/virtual_wall/index2.html

New Music

I updated the music here on my blog. I decided to put some music that I like, but also some that reminds me of Marcus. After all, this place is very therapeutic for me as I deal with all this so I figured I would put some music as well.
Marcus enjoyed classical music and really didn't listen to a lot of "pop-music" until he was about 13 or 14. (Except for the music I listened to) I know he had friends that came over and asked to see his music collection and pulled faces at his CD's. He would also play his baritone and pick out songs he would hear that he really enjoyed. For his Grandmothers 70th birthday party, he played a solo of Shenandoah. He loved playing that at home as well.
The Gladiator he did play in band, but his favorite part was "the battle" (mine too). There is a lot of low brass in that music that is beautiful and I loved hearing him practice it at home. He also played Pirates of the Carribean, but so did Aaron. They played from different ones, so I just like them all since I can hear the french horn and the baritone.
Muse, and the Lullaby are my favorites, OF COURSE. They are from the movie Twilight. Those books got me through the 2 months of Marcus' recurrence and lots of time in the hospital. The Aaron Neville is for John. He has always love him and the Neville brothers, plus that music is just a feel good song telling me that its ok to have a good time.
So that is probably way more information than you cared to hear about, but its good therapy for me, I guess.