*****The Little Soul*****

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed.

Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

************************************************************

One Year, 5 months....

In some ways, I can't believe that time has flown by so fast, then in other ways, it seems like forever since I have seen him, touched him, smelled his smell, heard his laugh and voice.  I feel like the pressure to "get on with things" or to "get over it" is intense.  I am sure people think, "Oh, its been almost a year and 1/2, I am sure she is better now." I know this, because I have thought the same way about others who have gone through things like this before I was faced with it.  Yes, I am able to function a little better.  I can talk about Marcus, and I do, without crying.  But there are still the days where curling up on my bed, pulling the blanket over my head sounds like the only answer.  Believe me, there are times that I do.

As far as functioning, well, that is still questionable. I got a job recently and I am enjoying it.  I work from 7 am to 3 pm, which is when my kids get home.  Perfect, but when I get home, I collapse.  I either have to take a nap, or read a book.  It is very hard for me to get up and fix dinner.  There have been a few days at work that I have had a hard time finishing out the work day, afraid that I may "lose it" right there.  I know I have only been working just about 6 week, and I know it will take time for my body to adjust to it, but it has been a good thing for me.  I get to focus on something other than myself, my kids, my life and get away from being caught up in my feeling sorry for myself. 

There are many more days of laughter and joy in my life.  I really enjoy my boys now, more than I thought I would.  I appreciate and love every moment that they are laughing, smiling and enjoying each other.  They speak more of Marcus, they remember stories of him, they make little jokes about if he were still here, what he would do, they listen to his music. It does my heart good to see my boys healing before my eyes, all on their own, in spite of their Mother.  The other day, I got brave and got the video camera out and watched part of the last Christmas with Marcus.  He had taped most of it and had his voice as narration.  I laughed at the comments he made, and at the gift he wrapped for John, he wrapped it with paper, then wrapped it completely in Duct Tape.  It took John over a 1/2 an hour to unwrap it!  Then, when I saw him open his first cell phone, a blackberry, that he really wanted, the tears began to fall.  Just as that was happening, Jackson walked in.  He jumped up by me, hugged me quietly and we watched it together.  What a sweet boy. 

During the time that Marcus was diagnosed, we signed the other boys up with a group called "SuperSibs".  They help the siblings of children who have cancer.  After I notified them of Marcus' death they continued to send their occational gifts in the mail.  A month ago, I got an email from SuperSibs explaining that they never recieved the email I had sent of Marcus' passing until recently.  Their computer system was messed up.  So they sent the books and diaries to help siblings deal with their loss.  Jackson immediate began to fill out the diary of his feelings of Marcus and wrote a sweet letter to Marcus.  He was so excited to work on this book.  What a beautiful example he has been to me.  I have been blessed with such beautiful children.  All of them are so wonderful and have taught me so much.  I know I would be lost without their influence in my life.  Even Marcus still is a big influence on me still.   

Jackson turns Eight!

So hard to believe that my baby is now 8 yrs old. January 15th, was the big day, but had his party with a couple of friends and Noah at the local Bowling alley a few days later. Jackson is such a character and insisted on a "fo-hawk" hairdo just like Marcus used to have.

Jace, Noah, Jacob and Jackson who looks like PeeWee Herman in this picture!

On January 3oth, 2010, Jackson was Baptized. When I asked him why he wanted to be baptized, his answer was... "So I can get new Scriptures".
It was a beautiful day. We felt the Spirit so strong and knew that he had made the right decision.
We are so proud of our Jackson!!

It has been a while..

Since I have posted or updated anything of our crazy life. All I can say is... we are so tired of funerals!! The last month has been a little too much of death for our own sanity.

First, a friend of Aaron's, age 15, took his own life just a few days before Valentines day. Aaron wasn't really close to him, but they had known each other since 6th grade and "hung out" at school on and off since then. Aaron hadn't really talked to him since last summer, but it still was such a huge shock to him. He has been struggling with it ever since. I was sick the day of the funeral, but John took Aaron. What do you say when your son fought to keep himself alive, then face a CHILD that had no will to live? What can I say to Aaron? Losing his brother to cancer, then losing a friend to something that cannot be explained. We don't know what was in his mind that day, plus we cannot judge. I know our God is a merciful God. How can a child be completely responsible for a decision like that? How do I comfort MY child and heal his broken heart.. again? Aaron is such a tender-hearted person, he has been fighting depression and anxiety since Marcus' death and now it has taken on a whole new dimention. We will be going to the Dr. this week to help with this.

The next week, my Grandmother, Alice Nita Taylor passed away at the age of 92. It was her time to go and she was in a "home". It was such a blessing that she left. She has lived 44 years without her husband, and had lost a baby that she was reunited with. It was more of a bitter-sweet time, but after already dealing with Aaron's friend, and with Marcus' death still fresh, a funeral was still hard to deal with. My saving grace was seeing so much family and friends I hadn't seen in years! I focused on them and we remembered so many fun times and memories of Grandma T.

Amoungst the whole crazy times of death and funerals, I started a new job!! I am now working for a company who builds scientific sensors. It is a very small company where there are only 3 of us soldering and building these sensors. I am really enjoying it and has been a good thing for me to get out of the house. I can plug my ipod into my ears, sit down and do my work. Not having to deal with the stresses of "the public" is my kind of work. The people there have been great and work around my kids schedule. What a blessing! Oh and the paycheck is so nice to have!!

Crazy Ideas!

I really wasn't going to post about this, but not sure what else to do with it. I guess I could just throw it in the wind and see how much of it blows back in my face!

I have had these crazy ideas, well more like STRONG desires or yearnings to try something I have NEVER really done in my life, nor has it EVER been a thought in my brain... EVER! So for those of you who have known me forever, know this is true. I can't explain it, I don't know where it came from, but I am compelled to WRITE! Not just blogging, not just journaling, a whole flippin' NOVEL!! ??????? I am at a loss. Yesterday I wrote for hours (almost 20 pages) by hand in a journal. I have almost 60 pages written by hand. Now, those of you who know me, know my knowledge of Grammar, Literature, really and truly SUCK!! I really don't want to say what I am writing about because I think it's sorta lame. I imagine it would be something for teens or younger because that's what I know.

I guess I am just throwing this out there and see what people think. Is this something that everyone goes through? Am I so desperate to focus on a fantasy world that I am creating my own? Any psychiatrists reading my blog? Maybe you can expand on these weird feelings! Sometimes I am writing so long, I can't put my pen down!! Where is all this coming from? I honestly do not like grammar, english per say. I never thought my writting was that great, of course I only went to 1 year of college and didn't take one english class. So.... anybody out there willing to share their opinion, ideas, or thoughts about this? Please tell me... what am I supposed to do with this??

After the First Year

After the First Year
by Liz Ford, Madison WI, The Compassionate Friends

After the first year,
the pain changes from a crushing weight
to a wickedly cutting edge.
Time speeds up from grinding plodding
to a more normal routine.
And sometimes you can forget (for a moment)
that your whole life was destroyed
just last year.

After the first year
you start to remember the good times
and you can tell a funny story about your child,
and save the crying for later.
But sometimes it seems like you're the only one left who mourns.
"What's the matter with you, anyway?"
"Its been a whole year."

After the first year,
your child seems a little closer
and yet still so far away.
Miracle of miracles, you haven't forgotten
how he walks, his voice, the shape of his head,
or the solid warmth of his fingers curving around yours.
Those memories ambush you at many unlikely moments
and tear you apart.

After the first year,
your heart begins to thaw.
You remember that you once loved your surviving children,
and you love them again.
You remember that life used to hold joy,
and you rediscover some small enjoyment in living.

After the first year,
you pick up your burdens and go on.
Amazingly you have survived a blow
more painful than anything you ever imagined.
Even though you wish you could have died too,
its slowly dawns on you that you must still live...
because after the first year comes the second year.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas card pictures were a last minute thing this year. We finally just took the boys out in the back yard and had them smile as warm as they could, since it was pretty cold that day.
It certainly was strange taking these pictures. It just didn't feel complete. There is just some sort of emptiness I feel in these pictures, and to others, they too have felt the same thing. My Mom even mentioned that opening her Christmas Card it was just a shock. Obviously she knew Marcus couldn't or wouldn't be in the picture, but she still felt the jolt of reality of it all over again.

This Holiday Season was definitely easier than last year, even though we all had our moments of grief and pain. We weren't able to go out and build our snowman because the snow was frozen so hard, we couldn't work with it. But we were able to go over to my brother, Brian's home for Christmas Eve. It was the first time in 2 years that we made it over there. We had a great time and experienced a little more joy.


Aaron performed in the Christmas Fantasy again this year, which is a concert/program for children about Christmas. All the Band members had to dress up as toys. Aaron had the great idea of going as a toy pilot and I decided that he could probably wear Marcus' pilot suit for it. Well, I think Marcus had other plans. For those of you who really know Marcus, he was very possessive of his THINGS. Especially when it came to sharing with his brothers.
Well, when it was time to get ready for the show, I couldn't find his uniform anywhere. I looked for 3 hours in every corner I could think of. I became very discouraged and upset. We had the suit out for his viewing and funeral, then I swore I put it in the box with all his clothing in it, but it wasn't in there! I went through that box 3 times and didn't find it. Aaron began laughing and said, "Mom, you know Marcus had something to do with this". We both started laughing because this was something he had done his whole life. Anything to not have to share with his brothers. Just as I had predicted, I found his flight suit, a week later while I was cleaning his room. I found a little suitcase that he used to keep his stuffed animals in, then it hit me that's where it was. Sure enough, there it was! I vaguely remember putting it in there, but I must have been seriously mentally out of it to do that. That is the last place I would have put it! So we can't help but laugh, thinking Marcus got his way again.


We have set a few goals for the new year. As a family we are going to try and memorize all 12 Articles of Faith. We also want to start some kind of memorial fund in Marcus' memory to help the Marching Band that he loved so much.
We enjoyed ringing in 2010 with our good friends, Julie and Gary Earl which ended up being a last minute plan. We truly cherish them and their entire family feels like our extended family.

I hope and pray that 2010 is a good year for all of us, and that we all will continue to feel the comfort and joy we need to forge ahead in our life here on earth.

Another Spoof!

Taylor Lautner who plays Jacob in the Twilight series, hosted Saturday Night Live last saturday. I enjoyed a few things, but this clip was my favorite. Sometime I feel like I am that age, and that I need to be a grown up, but I guess its ok to be a little nutty about something, every once in a while!

New Moon...

Dealing with life and everything that it has given me, there is a place where I can get away and not think about the "real world". Ever since Marcus' cancer recurred, I dove into the Twilight books with all my heart so I could get away from the heart ache that I was facing. ME!! The person who NEVER read a book longer than 200 pages in my life!! I read 4 books, back to back. It was so strange for me to do something like READING, but to read about Vampires, and werewolves was even crazier! Life in the Twilight fantasy world got me through the worst year of my life! Even now when there are times when I can't handle the pain, I get out these books and they make me smile. So if there were some way I could Thank Stephenie Meyer, I would! She kept me somewhat sane.
The movie Twilight came out in November of 2008, and it was, to me, very disapointing! I really didn't think that the story was even told! I feel bad that it was such a bomb in my eyes and was afraid that if they didn't do something different, I would not see New Moon. Edward to me, could have been better cast! He looks so pained all the time and I feel like he has no personality in the first movie.


Redeaming itself. That's how I felt when I saw the trailers to New Moon. It was painful to wait for the movie to come out... not even sure why. I have NEVER been so crazy about anything in my life! LOVED IT!! Wow... The graphics of Jacob changing into a wolf made the whole movie! I have always loved Jacob in the books, but Taylor Lautner really brought him to life. Still disturbed by the actor who plays Edward (I don't even know his name, stubborn... aren't I?) with way too much lipstick and looking like he needs to go to the bathroom when he kisses Bella... (I know, I have issues), this movie exceeded my expectations!!
So I have to confess... I have fallen in love with a dumb series that involves Vampires and Werewolves... haha. It must be a mid-life crisis thing... or maybe just a "life crisis" thing that keeps me from really falling in with the CRAZIES! Well... maybe it's because I can relate a little to Bella's situation? Maybe we all can? Choosing what is best for us versus choosing what we want and desire can bring us a lot of heartache and turmoil.

One more thing... is it wrong for a woman in her 40's to have a photo of Jacob (a minor), shirtless, on the background of her phone? Have I completely lost my mind?? John and my 15-yr-old (I won't mention his name to save him from shame) think I need to be in a padded room for a while... Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

"You Belong With Me" (Jacob Black Remix!)

Here is a great song re-mixed for "jacob" from the Twilight series. I love it. Here are the Lyrics:

LYRICS (by Matt Sullivan)
You're in the woods with your vampire Edward Cullen
He’s always whining and complaining, he's so sullen
He doesn’t get you’re human like I do

I'm at the gym, it's a typical Tuesday night
Lifting the kind of weights he doesn't like
And he'll never know your family like I do

But he sparkles, and I'm so hairy
He's so sexy and I'm so scary
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Hangin' out in Forks, while he's in Italy
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Howling at the moon thinkin' to myself
Hey, isn't Ed sleazy?

And you've got a beauty that could light up this whole town
Haven't seen it since he brought those biters around
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a sucker so wack?

He's so pale, I'm so tan
He's kinda bitchy and I'm all man
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you
I’m down on all fours, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Marching Band 2009.

The 2009 Marching Band season is now over with. This is the 5th year and the second child to be involved with the Mountain Crest High School Marching Band. "Ivasion" was the theme this year which was music taken from the movie 300. The story of the show is a war between the brass and the woodwinds, which made it very interesting because the brass start out on one side of the field and the woodwinds on the other.
The Band earned 2nd and 3rd places this year, beating a band that had 100 more kids than their band. They went to Bands of America Regional competition in St. George Utah and came in 3rd in their division, 1st in state in their division, and made finals!!! In the finals they came in 6th place overall.. out of 21 bands!!

Aaron played the baritone this year and seems to be really good at it. Who knew? He decided to stick with it for concert band as well. I am excited to see how he does with the concert baritone. There aren't too many of them, since all the trombone players play the baritone in Marching band. I think there will only be 3 baritones. I think he is excited to play Marcus' baritone. My dad fixed it while he was here so the keys didn't stick anymore. I heard Aaron practicing it the other day and had to re-evaluate in my mind who it was.

Aaron has been doing so well in school and band. He seems to have grown up a lot and now has some goals for the future. He is studying chemistry and loves it, not to mention his geometry has been pretty easy for him so far. He took on taking German, and he is really struggling with it. Of course I tried to convince him to take spanish where I could probably help him, but he had to be different and take German. (where are the Schills when we need them?.. haha)

I am very proud of Aaron and the person he is becoming. I think I was right when I was saying... "come on 15" less than a year ago. Both Aaron and Marcus seemed to really find out who they were when they turned 15. Of course all the problems don't go away, but they seem to snap out of the "what the heck is going on with me?" stage that they had been in since like 12. Of course Noah will be turning 11 soon, so I am sure it will start all over again with him.

Learning to appreciate each child's personality is quite a journey. They change in so many ways as they grow up, but there are so many characteristics that are there when they are born, that just become stronger. I remember seeing each one of my children's faces for the first time and a wave of recognition came over me. I immediately knew their personalities, and could feel the potential of their spirit. What a blessing it is to be a mother. I just don't know how anyone could not believe that their is a God after experiencing birth, or looking into your own child's eyes and seeing so much faith, knowledge and immediate recognition of them from our pre-existence.

For those who have not experienced it yet, or may not be able to in this life, I know that one day your heart will experience children with so much joy that will surpass the extent of the pain in your heart today. My heart goes out to you, and pray that you may have comfort and faith.

Not sure where all that came from, but it came out so I must have needed to say it.

October 26, 2009

This is what we woke up to the morning of October 26th. It was a beautiful sight to open the door and see that we had been "heart-attacked" by someone who wanted to remain anonymous.. Whoever you are, we really love and appreciate you very much. It is so nice to know that people are still thinking of us.

Yes, October 26th 2009, was the one year "Anniversary" of Marcus' death. We didn't plan a whole lot that day. John took the day off, I ended up picking Aaron up from school cause he didn't feel well.

John and I went to breakfast and did some window shopping together. We had some nice time alone together.

That evening our family, Katie, Emma, Ellie, Julie, Gary and Kyle came with us out to the cemetery. We each wrote a note to Marcus and tied it to our balloon. All at one time we released the balloons.

In the last year, I feel like I am having more and more happy times. I feel more at peace, but yet there are those days where nothing can take away the pain, I spend the day in my jammies and not able to really function..... BUT those are getting to be fewer.

Jackson and Noah were wrestling around out on the open area when Aaron joined in on them. Kyle thought that was an unfair fight, so he grabbed Aaron and took him down. They had some fun doing what we call "male bonding" in our house. It seems to be the thing to do when we go out to the cemetery. Of course when Marcus was around, he was usually theinstigator of it all.

I am so glad that my boys are comfortable going there and able to feel at peace.

Here is the weathervane we got for Marcus. Every pilot needs a weathervane!!

Bitter-Sweet Week.

It's been 2 whole years!! Elder Kyle Nielsen is coming home on the 21st of October. He is serving in the Detroit, Michigan Mission and has completed his 2 years in the mission field. His Mother, Julie, is a very near and dear friend of mine. She is my neighbor and her children feel so much like a part of mine. I am so excited to see Kyle, it's almost like a part of my own family is coming home. I am so proud of Kyle. He has always been such a wonderful person, full of kindness and love. Not to mention his great sense of humor and his dedication.
Kyle means so much to me in so many ways, but he is the one who was such a great influence on not just all of our family, but especially Marcus. He is the one who befriended Marcus when we first moved here, he went out of his way to make sure Marcus felt at home, but the thing that really brought them together was the Baritone! Marcus had already been playing it for a few years and when Kyle heard that, he invited Marcus over to play with him. Next thing I know, Marcus is all about MARCHING BAND! OH and can't forget the nights and nights of basketball in our backyard, with all the neighborhood boys.
One time in particular... Kyle, Kevin R. and Marcus were shooting some hoops in the back yard. We had a huge bush right off the court (well, it was really taking up a lot of the corner). Marcus tended to get pretty physical when he played. Anyway, so Marcus (5'4 at the time) decided to shove Kyle (6'7") into the bush... when he did, Marcus took off running as fast as he could all the way down the street, knowing that Kyle couldn't catch him. So Kyle took a break sitting by the door to the house, saying... He has to come home sometime. Sure enough, when he did, Kyle got him and gave him pleanty of pink-bellies. It did my heart good to see Marcus have a good friend, which he hadn't ever really had before. Kyle was like a big brother to Marcus.
It was strange, when Kyle left on his mission, Marcus locked himself in his room and wouldn't go tell Kyle goodbye. It was just too hard on him. In all the years we have moved around, I have never seen him act like that. Marcus had just finished his last treatment and was doing really well, but I think deep down Marcus knew they would never see each other again and that it was just too painful.
When we ended treatments, Kyle sent a tape to Marcus. I was so glad that he did that and I wish Marcus could have done the same. He just couldn't do it. The tape was such a beautiful thing to do and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. It made Marcus laugh and smile. We played it for him again a few times while he was in a coma before he died.
This upcoming week will be Marcus' one year anniversay, so it will be such a bitter sweet one. I know that one day I will have my reunion with Marcus, it's just a longer mission he is on.

WELCOME HOME ELDER NIELSEN!!!

October 2

October 2, 2006 is the day that we found Marcus' brain tumor. Hard to believe that it has been 3 years since we heard those words... You have a tumor in your brain... I remember being light headed, looking at this face of his, and knowing that this would be what took him from me.

I always knew I would lose a child, ever since he was born, actually before he was born, I knew I would have to give one of my children back. I never expected it to be him, but when I heard the doctor say those words, I said to myself.... "Its YOU!" It was so surreal.... like I was 1/2 in my body and 1/2 in a different place. I felt an overwhelming sense of being lost, like someone had to guide me through it.

The worst part was coming home, telling the boys... especially Aaron, then having to LEAVE them. I ached for them to be with us, to hold each of them in my arms. I knew Aaron would be wide awake, struggling with what just had hit him and no where to turn to. To this day, it breaks my heart knowing I had to leave him alone to deal with all of this.

This picture of Marcus was taken 2 weeks before his diagnosis. I look at this picture and see such a little boy in his eyes. I see such a healthy young boy who seems so innocent to life and has no idea what is about to happen.

Aaron and I went out to the cemetary today (Aaron doesn't like to go out there very often)When he goes, it seems like he talks more and more about Marcus. We talked about that day, 3 years ago and what it was like for each of us. Aaron joked about how much fun it would be to run through the cemetery on Halloween at midnight with his friends. He said... "I can just see Marcus sitting on his headstone waiting to scare us all to death and laughing his head off"... I had to giggle cause I could see him doing that. Aaron said when he told his friends that, a couple of girls were saying... "thats not very funny, Aaron"... like he was being disrespectful. But then Aaron said... "like you can't see him doing that". They all began to laugh and say, yeah.. you are right. I love the fact that he is thinking about Marcus and talking about him. A lot of Aaron's friends were friends with Marcus first, so he feels comfortable around them.

Today was just another "anniversary" in October. So many others follow that are so difficult to think about. I am just glad we don't have to go through it again, even though I would love to have a "Marcus hug" about right now. It is difficult with today's date... knowing what 3 yrs ago brought, but even harder thinking about a year ago... it just hurts... I HATE OCTOBER!!!

I miss my Sisters!!

Sisters

November, 2007

Alice, Karen and Nancy

I was just thinking that it has been almost 2 whole years since I have seen Nancy, my sister! She and her family weren't able to come to Marcus' funeral because of Jessica being in pretty poor conditions at the time.

So we are planning a trip to Tucson, Az. in November to visit everyone down south. My brother Stuart, both of my sisters, John's brother and his Mother live in Arizona. I am really looking forward to this trip. It seems like forever since we went on a family trip, even just leaving the valley!

Consider the Lilies

I know this is an Easter song, but Sunday I heard it on the radio and a stream of memories came back to me. I never really paid attention to the words to this song until the other day.

The weird thing is, that a few years ago, Marcus and I were in the Ward (church) chior. This was one song we were going to sing. We hadn't had a chance to really practice it, so we took the music home to go over it. Marcus was eager to practice it with me, even though he could pick it out on the piano himself. So I have the wonderful memories of him and I sitting by our tiny little keyboard, singing this beautiful song, not really understanding how powerful the words were. Like the Lord was telling US that he was with us, that we need to have faith, and he will take care of us both. Now I will always cherish this song...

Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow! How they grow!
Consider the birds of the sky,
How they fly! How they fly!

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads,
Though the path may wind across the mountains
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this Earth,
The pains of all of them, He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs of His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

LDS Church Leaders preparing us for the 2nd Coming of Christ

I know that this is true. We are being tried and tested to strengthen us so that we can fight off evil, to prepare the day of the Lord's Second Coming.

Another Testament of Christ Slideshow

Amazing, beautiful, peaceful, and of course full of hope for all of us.

My Eternal Family

One year ago, we took our last family pictures. I love going back and looking at all the beautiful faces of my children, knowing that we will be back together like this someday. These pictures are taken in front of the Logan, LDS Temple. We believe that if we are married or sealed together there, that we will be together in the next life to come, FOREVER. That's what makes these pictures even more special. It is a constant reminder in our home as we look at our family, we see the Temple. What a blessing of peace.

Fall is coming whether or not I like it. I have been trying to come to peace with the changing of the seasons. I even went out looking for something decrative to put up to celebrate the changes, but it still just brings back all the tension and feelings I had a year ago as I had to prepare myself, my children and especially Marcus, for what was to come.

Now, John is a home teacher to an older couple in our ward, and she was just diagnosed with cancer and sent home on hospice. They only give her about a month, so of course, it breaks my heart. I hope and pray that they can have the peace from God that we felt back then. Life is unpredictable, and you never know when or what the Lord has planned for us.

Writing....

Late last night, after reading for a while, trying to get sleep to come, I got up to turn off the light. As I did, my emotions took over and I had no place to go with them. I have been keeping a journal for the last 10 months, so I grabbed it and started scribbling out what was on my mind. It felt so good to put these feelings SOMEWHERE! I have also noticed that my speech is fairly slow, and I have a hard time putting words to my feelings when I am talking. It drives John nuts when I try to tell him something because I pause a lot trying to find the words. Last night I grabbed my pen and the words just came flowing out. Maybe my journal can be a place where I can put words to what I feel. It also allows me to refocus on where I am and what I am going to do with these feelings... why I am going through this and what it is I am supposed to learn.

I really debated if I should share this or not.... it's very personal, but yet it is something I want to SCREAM to the world! I also want others that are feeling this way to know that its OK. Who can we say what is right and wrong to what we are feeling. So here it goes......

I could never imagine that death could feel this way.
I keep reminding myself.. "I am a Mother who has lost a child to DEATH!
I am the Mother of the Boy who died from Cancer.
My SON... MY CHILD, whom I gave birth to and was my first child....... DIED!!
My FIRST child who taught me what Motherhood felt like, who showed me what pure unconditional love really was.
He was the first one to call me "Mom" and reach for ME when he was upset.
He was the first to have my heart, to have me to himself... just him and I
He was the first to show me what absolute pure joy was every time he accomplished something that he worked so hard for.
He was the first to show me what forgiveness was, what a giggle and a wrinkled nose could do to my soul.
He was the first to tear me apart when he started to grow and an attitude grew with him.
He was the first to show me how God must feel about ME!
He was the one who taught me about true sacrifice and suffering. The first to break my heart into a million pieces as I watched him silently take on the burdens and pains that life had dealt him.
I remember thinking ... How do I teach my child to die? What can I tell him about faith and trusting in the Lord's plan? What if I do not have that kind of faith myself? Can I really look him in the eyes and PROMISE him "It will be worth it" when he looks at me and asks "why, Mom?"
He so willfully accepted what the Lord had planned for him.
He showed me how to have faith beyond comprehension. Surely he was too faithful to stay here.
My SON is the one who taught me and teaches me still. The pain I feel now will heal when I can wrap my arms around him again.....but for now I take on the burdens and pains that life has dealt ME, with my Son as my exemplar. He, from the other side of the veil, guides me with his love and beautiful spirit to the path that will take me to him, where we can live together, forever.

And now I ask the question.....

"Was my son really the child?"