Jackson finishes Kindergarten!!

Here is a little brief synopsis of Jacksons year of Kindergarten. This picture is Jackson on his first day of school. What a smile. I can only imagine what is going through that head of his. I imagine he is planning his first escape. Little does "Miss Melanie" know who has just entered her doors.
He did think he could come and go as he pleased. He really liked going on little walks, or going to get water and to the restroom without letting anyone know. One day he went to school with pink-eye (yeah, I know... what a GREAT MOM). Miss Melanie sent him to the office to call me or John and let us know that we need to pick him up. After about 15 minutes Jackson comes back in and announces... "my pink eye is gone". Come to find out he just went on a little "walk about" and never made it to the Office.
This is Jackson on Valentines day. What a "playa"!! Not just one girl on the holiday of Love, but 2 tall girls... one blonde, one brunette.. gotta have have it all. The look on his face says it all.
I am just kidding. I love these little girls. Kali is the brunette and her family is awesome. I am glad Jackson can have both girl and boy friends. Just hope he doesn't get involved with girls too soon!!!! I don't want to think about that now!!! SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!
These last 2 pictures are of one of their last field trips to a local dairy. I just love the faces that Jackson has in these pictures. Especially the one with him on the bus. Too cute.














What a booger!!! I just love this age. How sad that he is in the first grade now...... (cough, cough) there, I am over it... YIPPPEEE he is in first grade!

Very Moving

Yes, I have been putting nothing but blah and sad things on my blog, but it has been a very sad and tough week.
Today was Clarissa's funeral, what a beautiful service. I was amazed at the strength of her family. Each of them spoke or participated somehow. They all spoke of her as determined as well as spiritual. The oldest girls, ages 16 and 13, gave tributes to their sister and I thought I was listening to adults. What love and adoration they had for her. The music was beautiful and the flowers were gorgeous. They had pictures of Clarissa everywhere and video of pictures of her growing up. Her metals and soccer trophies were displayed as well as her pictures playing. It was a difficult but yet healing to see her family so strong. Here is a poem that was printed on the back of the program that was written by Clarissa's 13-yr old sister.

I know that you've been asking
"Why did God do this to me?
I've been told that I'm his daughter
Who he loves so tenderly.
If that's the case
Why can't he just
Make it go away?
I know he can,
I've got the faith,
And yet, the tumor stays."

He is aware of all your suffering,
And he listens to your prayers.
It breaks his heart, as it breaks mine
When you think he doesn't care.
He's just sending his love-filled blessings
In a different sort of way.
He blesses you through others
Through the presents, and every time they pray.

So don't ever feel like he doesn't care
He just knows what is best
He wants to help;he knows you're strong,
And this is your life's test.

-Jocelyn Packer

A very sad, sad day.

This morning our neighbor, Clarissa Packer (age 11) passed away. She had a brain tumor, the same kind as Marcus, that was inoperable. She went quickly, which is a blessing for her, I guess. She was brave and such a trooper. She went out with her family everywhere and when she was given her wheel chair she mainly pushed it. She was just given her hospital bed this last Monday, that same day she wanted to go for a walk. So she and her mom pushed her wheelchair for over a mile! Tuesday she wanted to climb a tree, so her tiny little mom helped her up into a tree. (she has been blind for a few months)Yesterday she slept a lot, but was pretty coherent and was able to tell her family what she wanted to say and gave them things. She passed this morning. What a gift to be able to spend your last week doing the things she wanted and not having to sit in a bed for weeks like a vegetable. I know that she had been asking her mom if it was ok to pray to Heavenly Father that she could die quickly. Her prayers have been answered.

I just added this.... Here is the website with her obituary and photo. She was a beautiful girl. www.allenmortuaries.net

Make a Wish canceled.

Well, as I told you before the airplane crash was a bad incident, but after talking it over we decided that he really isn't mentally able to go up in that plane. His behavior has been a little better, but we just don't know what will happen minute by minute. We thought he would be very upset about the fact that we canceled it, he took it rather well and decided that he really doesn't want to get himself in that position. I am sure it scared him because it was 2 experienced pilots went down and no one knows why yet. So now we don't know what he is going to do. We do need to go in June or it will be a long time before we can really go anywhere because of Marching Band. He is leaning toward the Pearl Harbor trip, which would be a great for everyone and a much more safe thing too. Unless he decides to go parasailing!!!! Of course we all are pushing for the Hawaii trip, but it is up to him.

Breakdown.

I am afraid that we have more on our hands than we can handle. I always say the scariest day in my life was the day they told me Marcus had a brain tumor, well Monday tops it, well... pretty darn close.
Sunday things were not really great because Marcus had promised me that he would go to church with us, and when it came time to go, he wouldn't get out of bed. Well, when we got to church we talked to our Bishop. He decided to come over and give Marcus a blessing. Things after that were so great. Marcus was so much happier, until monday after his Therapy session. I had to go to the store to get a couple of things. He went to the toys and wanted all kinds of stuff, very expensive too. When I told him no, he put his earphones on and headed for the car. All the way home he kept gripping his fists more and more. By the time he got home he went in his room and slammed the door. Normal thing nowdays. I put on some of my musice and began to clean up dishes. I heard some banging around in there. I went and peeked at him and he was just sitting on his bed starring out the window. So I went back to doing dishes. I heard a couple more bangs in there and a crash. I waited a few minutes, then felt like I should go check on him. When I walked in, there was a book (my book) ripped to shreds, his picture of Jesus broken lying on the floor in its glass, his favorite Uof A basketball flattened and smashed. As I looked at him sitting on his bed starring out the window, he had a rather large pocket knife (that he uses fishing) stabbing the matress right next to his leg! I called his name and he didn't respond. I walked out slowly and called John (who was at soccer practice at the time) He then came running home. After I hung up with John, I went into his room and asked him where his knife was and he pitched it backward (while it was open).
Luckily, a person in our bishopric, is a psychotherapist. We are seeing his partner, but we couldn't get a hold of him, so John call him (who happened to be at the same soccer practice) so he came over. Talked to him for a few minutes and decided that he was O.K. to leave him at home.
The Dr. diagnosed him with Intermittent Explosive Behavior. Because of the hole in his brain where his personality is, his brain is trying to re-circuit his wiring and unfortunately the more he has these outbursts, the more ingrained it is. Which explains why its getting worse. Unfortunately the only way to get him calm enough to learn ways to re-circuit to a better place, is through medicine which he is refusing to take. So I am afraid that this is going to end up with some tough-love, and I will have to call the police next time he even gets close to that again. If it ends up in court then thats where we will end up. I will never go through that again! I was scared for him, Jackson and myself. I am tired of him controlling the whole house, and if he refuses to take the medicine then he will just have to explain it to a judge. I know that is a horrible thing to say, but I am sorry, I will NEVER let him do that to me or anyone else again. I have been considering threating to take away his Make a wish trip if he doesn't co-operate with us. I could understand if he was on meds and they weren't working, but this is in his hands and he is refusing help. I will just have to get tough with him. We can't do this anymore. Its not fair to the rest of the family, especially the boys. I thought the cancer was hard..... that is looking a little easier right now.

I am just sick!

I belong to a group (online) of mothers who had babies in Jan. of '02. We have known each other since pregnancy of our babies and we still remain friends (over 6 years). Well, one of those mothers lives in Peoria, Az. She knows about Marcus's Make-A-Wish where we will be going to Mesa, Az. for Marcus to fly in Aerobatic planes and learn to dog fight. I found a post from her upset because one of those planes crashed on May 9th killing both people on board. She wasn't sure when we were going to be there, so she thought it could have been us! She posted the article and it is the exact company that we are going to! I am just sick to my stomach...literally. I really don't know what is going to happen with our trip that is scheduled for June 5th, but I don't think we will be going!

Anyway, here is the article from the Arizona Repuplic:
(here is the link if you want to watch the video about it)
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2008/05/09/20080509planecrash050908-CR.html

A small aerobatic plane crashed about seven miles east of Phoenix-Mesa Gateway Airport, killing two people Friday afternoon as the crew of a medical helicopter watched.

Kore Redden, a spokeswoman with Rural/Metro Fire Department, said a crew aboard a LifeNet I helicopter saw the single-engine plane go down in the desert, then circled and landed to see if they could help.

She said the two people on board were already dead from massive trauma. A Mesa Police helicopter flew Queen Creek firefighters to the remote scene, where they confirmed the fatalities.
Redden said the victims, both men, were found 10 to 20 feet from the wreckage with one parachute deployed. Mike Minter with the Pinal County Sheriff's Office said the two-seater plane nose-dived into the desert floor about five miles northeast of Ocotillo and Schnepf roads.

The Extra EA-300 single-engine, high-performance plane had left the airport at 12:43 p.m. They were returning to Mesa when the plane crashed at about 2:30 p.m. under unknown circumstances, said Ian Gregor, a spokesman for the Federal Aviation Administration. There was no communication with air traffic controllers prior to the crash, he said.

Redden said the aircraft is owned by Fighter Combat International. The company's Web site said it is based at the Mesa airport and offers thrill rides ranging from $469 to $1,574. The Web site touts the service as "The Ultimate Guy Gift."

John Walkup of Chandler Air Service, a flight school company at Chandler Municipal Airport, said the company had carved out a niche selling specialty rides.

"That's all they do is take people up for rides and do special things," he said. "Those airplanes have the ability to do every maneuver known to God times ten."

Walkup said the Valley is a hotbed for aerobatics.

"The entire aerobatic community will be very upset," he said. "They have a job to do and they've been doing it well for quite a few years."

Brian Sexton, an airport spokesman, said the company has been a tenant since 2003.

Minter said the crash site had rough terrain accessible only by four-wheel-drive vehicles or helicopter.

Another Long Day.

Marcus got home from school and went to play basketball with his friends. He was gone over 2 hours and said he got along just fine, but he did trip and land hard on his side. He said he felt pretty dizzy so he came home. Life after that became a nightmare, snapping at everyone who walked into the living room, threatening kids and just being nasty. I let him on the computer to do an assignment for school, he got ticked off at Aaron for something stupid, so 10 minutes later he logged off the computer and decided he wasn't going to do his homework. Didn't like what we were having for dinner, didn't eat. It just got worse from there.
We are supposed to go on our Make-a-wish trip on June 5th, and no one is excited about it. It is so hard to be excited when the person getting the wish is being mean and nasty. I hope something happens before this trip.

We spoke to his Oncologist and she referred him to Neurology. I called to schedule an appointment and they won't see him because they don't deal with behavior issues. There is not a "pediatric neurospychologist" in the state of Utah. We are paying up the butt for Marcus to see these Dr.'s and they all just seem to be not sure of themselves. One had an idea to change behavior by rewarding for good behavior with kinda a "gambling" type of thing. He is never sure when he is going to hit the jackpot. But my husband and I can't find any reward that he wants.... money doesn't even motivate him! He has refused taking any medication and won't co-operate with any Dr. Nothing is his fault and has no remorse for anything hes done.
I just read an article about a girl from Arizona who suffered a concussion and had horrible personality change, and brain injury issues. She was diagnosed and had all kinds of help. HELLO??? Isn't there anyone who deals with that around here? Doesn't anyone in UTAH ever have head injuries and have treated them? I feel like the Dr.'s are just shrugging their shoulders, handing him a pill, or guessing on what they can do for him.
All I know is I can't live this way, my kids cannot live this way. My poor kids follow me around the house cause they dont' want to be left alone with him. I am just at my wits end and don't know where to go next. Each day he gets more and more stubborn, mean and hateful. Everything is about him and if it goes any other way, he takes it out on someone. I am afraid for the safety of my kids. What has to happen before there is really someone that can help him? If something happens, and he ends up in Juvee, he will be a helpless cause. He will soon be 17 and I am so scared of his future. I don't know if I am more scared of the cancer coming back or what will happen to him (or someone else ) if he doesn't get help.

Better day.

I am feeling better today. Marcus went to his Marching band "step off" meeting, which is for this upcoming year, and he is very excited about it. So he came home with a skip in his step. I am hoping this helps! Music is his "thing". ALSO.....
Yesterday, I started a new fitness/diet program that is just "in the making". Icon Health and Fitness here in town, (they build treadmills and other fitness equipment) are coming out with a new program for women. They haven't named it yet, but they are thinking about calling it P.i.n.K. I have the opportunity to try this program and give my input for them to see what things need to be changed etc. There is a group of us that are doing it together and we get to work with a Dietitian, and a personal trainer! Debbie is a 40-yr-old woman who is the world Olympic weight lifting champion. She is the one working with Icon to develop this program. So, as you might imagine, it is using the Olympic weight-lifting concepts and fundamentals. I am so excited because it is all strength training. I LOVE IT. I have been a firm believer in strength training, (of course I haven't done it in YEARS) but now I can actually get to do it.
One thing they encourage is telling people about my new program, that way it keeps me "accountable" as to what I am doing. So here I am, telling you about it. I actually started a new blog just for my program if you want to check it out, go for it.
www.mypinkexperience.blogspot.com

Lost!

I haven't really updated on what else is happening in the real world here. The reason for that is because it hasn't been the best. Even though these past things (the Pilot for a day and the party) have been fun and exciting, things at home are still pretty rough and ragged. The 4th medication that we were going to give Marcus, I kinda had second thoughts about, but when we decided that it really wasn't an option and we should try it, he refused to take it. So...... he is refusing to take the medicine, and he hasn't had a lot of outbursts, but he still has hit Jackson a few times. Everything is a battle, from doing homework to even taking a shower. We are still meeting with the Psycologist, and trying some new behavior changing techniques. John has a very hard time with the new plan and is not sure if he can do it.
I miss my Marcus. I walked by his picture in the hallway today (pre-cancer) and just sat down and cried. I just long for his fun loving spirit and the love he had for his brothers. Don't get me wrong, there are times where he does try to have fun with his brothers, but they are afraid of him. In an instant, for some stupid noise or something annoying someone is doing, he is gone. How I miss him. I hate cancer, I hate what it does to kids and families. I hate that we will never have the real Marcus back. I just pray everyday that the Lord will find some way to comfort and give our family peace.

My true color

What's Your True Color?

My Result: Blue

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=colorogt&c=50652

Pilot for a day!

The Pilots-for-a-day and the 2 real pilots

I just cannot put in to words what kind of day it was yesterday. I was just amazed what time, effort and money that was spent on these 8 boys. We started at 7:45 and had breakfast in the place where all the pilots "hang-out" and met with 3 pilots. The boys then went in and put on their flight suits (that they got to keep) with the exact same kind of badges that the pilots have and a helmet bag that the pilots carry their own helmets in. They were given a pilot's coin, that represents the squadron they are on. Seems like they cannot be caught without this coin and have regular "coin-checks" where they are rewarded with a drink of their choice.
On to the equipment room where we were shown what the gear looked like and how it is worn. Very interesting! We then loaded on a bus where we were taken to a building where the boys were able to go in and actually fly in an F-16 flight simulator! They were able to stay on it for about 20 minutes or so. Marcus bombed a few ships, took a dive into the water, but somehow came out ok.
We then loaded on the bus again and went to the hangers where they service the F-16's. There they were able to walk around the plane, touch it and then actually able to sit, yes SIT in the cockpit and have their picture taken professionally. I have never seen so many smiles on kids faces before, especially Marcus.

Sitting in an F-16 cockpit! A dream come true.

The words say it all! "lets roll"

After "hangin' out" (hahaha) with the planes, we went back to the squadron's hang out and had some lunch. It was so nice to meet other people who have gone through similar circumstances. There were 2 other teens there with Marcus, one of which has a brain tumor as well. It was nice because Marcus was able to talk to someone who has similar interests, and been through so much stuff like him. They changed emails, so hopefully they can keep in touch.

After lunch we went out to the airfield where we were able to sit on bleachers and watch an air-show of an F-16. It really is amazing the things those pilots can do and handle physically. The pilot and aircrew of the show came over and talked to the boys and signed some pictures for them as well. They took pictures with them and were able to ask all kinds of questions. The press was there and the boys and parents interviewed with them.

This is how close we were to the plane taxiing!

We then went back to the Squadron where the boys were given a framed picture of the F-16 with signatures of the entire squadron on it and a hand-carved model of an F-16. When they were called up, they received their new "call sign" names. The pilots don't get their names until they earn their wings, so the trainers give them their names according to their personalities, last names, or something they did during training. A few kids names were: "Sun" Tanner (last name) "Side" Burns (last name). When they called Marcus up, he said.." we had the name "Rush" picked out for this pilot, but after seeing him with the press, we decided to call him Marcus "Hollywood" Russell. Wonder where he gets that from? It must run through the name!
He then was pinned with his wings and was given a plaque with a certificate printed on a full-size picture of him in the F-16! WOW... is all I can say!

"Hollywood" getting his wings.

It touches my heart that these brave men and women who risk their lives everyday for us, would do so much for my son and these other children. There really are some good people in the world. Thanks to Make-a-wish and other people who donate their time, these children will have some GREAT memories that will hopefully erase some of the bad ones they have.

Night at the VFW...

We had a wonderful time at the VFW, and the night was just great! They treated us like royalty! We started out the night meeting the Hummer at the Hill AFB museum, where Uncle Marty, Aaron and Marcus got to ride to Salt Lake in the loud, crammed, non-airconditioned Hummer. The word Marty used was "industrial". They took pictures and video of Marcus driving up and getting out. We all went in and met lots of wonderful people who do so much for others. They introduced Marcus and started giving him so many gifts and making him feel like "part of the military". He received both air-force and army "honorary" dog tags with his name on them, a veteran's flag, and a special "generals coin" that a high-ranked officer gave to him. She told him that is was given to her by someone (who was in the first infantry division and first ones into Bagdad) to give to someone she sees doing a good deed, being courageous, or brave. It was a really neat thing.

Changing again....

I knew this would be a long process, but we are now trying medicine #4 on Marcus. Tonight he will start a new medicine that is given for seizures and for aggressive behaviors. It has to be monitored by blood tests, that I am sure Marcus will NOT want to do. Just trying to get Marcus to do anything right now is painful because we know he isn't going to do it or out comes the bouts of anger and "tantrums". I have to coax him to take any kind of medicines, so I won't tell him about the blood tests until he is on this for a while and if it is working, maybe he will feel better about things! YEAH RIGHT! The Dr. did give a good point though, he said he doesn't act this way at school, only at home, so that means he is able to control it. So not sure what is going on in that head, but all I know is that I can't take it anymore. We just made an appointment for him to see a Therapist who has dealt with children with cancer.
I think all tensions are on the rise because Marcus's MRI is on tuesday next week. Things always seem to get bad before that. We call it PMS... Pre-MRI-Syndrome.
ON A GOOD NOTE... This saturday is Marcus's VFW party and the whole family is going! Even Uncle Marty who will be here. I was hoping that Marcus would be more excited about it, but he doesn't really seem THAT excited. BUT..... instead of a Black Hawk Helicopter, they were able to get Marcus and his Scout troop and Leaders on a KC-135/refuler! On may 14th, they will go up and be there while they refuel some A-10's!!!! I tell you, I have never seen so many MEN (leaders) get so excited in my life. It will be a GREAT TIME!!

Changing meds...

Well, the first medication Marcus was on, didn't work at all. All it did was make him tired which in turn made him grumpy! NOT GOOD. So yesterday he started the second option. He said it made him really tired, but he hasn't been sleeping much so I am wondering if it is both things. I am hoping that the meds will help him sleep as well.
In good news... I got a phone call from Make-A-Wish and they gave me a phone number of a woman who found out about Marcus and wanted to do something for him. She is a manager of a "Cantina" (yes, it is a bar!) but it is a military bar and a customer of hers works for MAW. When they found out that there was a kid that loves the military they decided they wanted to do something fun for him. They are having a birthday party for their "group" (can't remember the name of it, sorry) but they want to invite Marcus, John and I to it. They might be able to come pick us up in a military HUMVEE! They want to present Marcus with a Veterans flag and a Generals Coin, plus give him lots of other cool things. They are looking into getting him a chance to ride in a Black Hawk helicopter! This sounds go great and the woman and her co-workers are so excited to do something for him.
Now a dilemma, this will be 3 things that Marcus will be doing in the next months. The other boys, Aaron especially gets very jealous and I agree, it would be hard to watch your brother get to do all these things. So John and I are trying to think of something we can do that is special with Aaron. He is still rebelling and not wanting to do his homework. He doesn't do any homework, but aces the tests! So I know he needs some special attention. We are thinking that maybe we could take him to Salt Lake and spend the night, taking him out to do some fun stuff. Maybe a Bees' game (baseball) or maybe even a Jazz game. We are still working on it, so we will see what happens.
Uncle Marty (John's sisters husband) is coming out next week from Maryland. He has never been to Utah so he is excited to see the great outdoors here. Hopefully it will stop snowing by then! It will be fun to have him here and hang out with the boys.

Ok, latest picture!

Well, after running into Allison at Walmart, she mentioned that there wasn't a picture of myself on my blog, which never really donned on me. So Here I am. A rotten picture and yes, I have gained weight. This is clipped out of John's Family Picture that we took in Arizona back in November. I have lost a little weight since then, but I have not been able to find a picture other than this one. So, there you go. OH, and for those of you who don't know, next to me is John, my dear sweet husband of 17 years! Gosh, if anything this will get me motivated to loss some poudidge, if that is a word....lol. So while I was at Walmart I purchased a whole new pilates workout with all the fixen's. The weather is finally getting warm enough that I can probably start walking in the mornings or evenings. I really should blow this picture up and have it where I can look at it everday to motivate me!!
So there you go, Allison. Now that you already know what I look like, here I am... in my full glory.

A place of Peace...

I know I have posted a few times of the behavior problems that Marcus has been having, but there are no words to express my feelings of despair when he has a major explosion and hurts someone, verbally and especially physically. There are times where I have had to come between him and one of his brothers, and the thought has crossed my mind that I may have to jump in front of him and take a severe blow for one of them from a person who is not "Marcus". There have been many days where I go to bed sobbing, wondering if our family/marriage can survive this part of the trial. Even though the "MONSTER"...aka cancer (as Aunt LaRae calls it) isn't there, it feels like there is a different kind of one in Marcus trying to destroy our family.
On Easter, my Mom (thanks Mom) sent me a link to a website that has brought me so much comfort to me. I visit it daily to feel the love and strength I need to get through the day. I can't wait until these images are available for purchase so I can put them where I can see them all day. These photos are on display in the Visitors Center of the Arizona Temple in Mesa, Arizona. I hope I will be able to see the the display sometime soon. Here is the link.... if you can, go to the blog part and they have made a new clip of the photos which is beautiful.
http://www.reflectionsofchrist.org/

As far as Marcus goes, we finally were able to get him into a Psychiatrist and he started medication last night and so far so good. Day #1 is down, keeping fingers crossed that this works for him.

I don't know how to say this.....

BUT.... cancer has struck our family AGAIN! Ruth (20, almost 21) was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. She is my niece, my oldest brothers daughter who just got married a year and 1/2 ago. I am not sure about what stage it is, but for some reason they think it may be at stage 3, which doesn't sound right, but they will find out more this week. I just can't believe we have 3 people in our family battling cancer right now, not to mention Jessica who has been fighting for her life since the day she was born, almost 20 years ago! All of this is just gets so overwhelming sometimes.

Another Tag!!!

Looks like you will really get to know me more than you want, I am sure!

1. What is your Hubby's name? John Perry Russell

2. How long have your been married? 17 years! GOSH, I am old!

3. How long did you date? 8 months

4.How old is he? He will be 43 this year.

5. Who eats more? That is a toss-up, but I would say him. of course.

6. Who said I Love you First? John did, and it was not in the way you would hear it in a Fairy Tale.

7. Who is taller? John better be, I am only 5'3.

8. Who sings better? I guess I do, but that's not saying a whole lot.

9. Who is smarter? John.... I am the creative one

10. Who temper is worse? John.

11. Who does the laundry? We both do, but John does a lot of it.

12. Who does the dishes? John does them mostly... I hate to do the dishes, especially if I cook.

13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do.

14. Who pays the bills?John, he can HAVE those.

15. Who mows the lawn? Marcus used to before he got sick, but John did it last summer.

16. Who cooks dinner? We both do. I do mostly now that I am home and not working outside the home.

17. Who drives when together? JOHN, he won't let me drive while he is in the car. Even driving to New York he did all the driving.

18. Who is more stubborn? Me. It is the "Taylor" genes I got from my Dad.

19. Who is the first to admit they are wrong? John, thats because I am usually right... JK

20. Whose parents do we visit most? John's Dad and his wife. They come to see us the most.

21. Who Proposed? John did, during 1/2 time of a University of Arizona game. He even turned off the t.v. to do it! How romantic!

22. Who has more friends? Usually me, but lately that has been changing.

23. Who has more siblings? Me, I have twice as many.

24. Who wears the pants in the family?John, but if you ask him, he will say I do.
*************************************
10 years ago....we had just moved to Douglas Arizona, I had a miscarriage and got pregnant with Noah. We only had 2 kids and I thought I was so old. I turned 30!!! WOW glad its not back then again.

5 things on my to do list today...Get off the computer and clean. John's Dad and his wife are coming today.

What I would do if I were suddenly a Millionaire...I would donate a lot to Pediatric cancer research, especially brain tumors. I would buy a home here and 1 in Arizona. Build my parents a home. Go visit places I have always wanted to go.

Three bad Habits...Worrying, Worrying, Worrying. Eating too much junk, and not being motivated. I think these all have to do with each other.

Six places I have lived...Colonia Dublan Mexico, Tucson Az, Logan Ut, Douglas Az, Flagstaff Az, Mesa Az, Providence Utah

5 jobs I have had...Gaging Tech, Electronic Inspector and Tech, Secretary assistant for an Agricultural Office, receptionist for the Ag department at USU, customer service rep for AT&T.

5 things people don't know about me....#1 I am addicted to some computer games, #2 I love electronic gadgets like cell phones, computers, ipods, etc. #2 I hate to cook ,#3 I would love to get some quads or dirt bikes, #4 I suffer from Anxiety #5 I love to solder! weird, I know. OH and I can't count... duh.... (2 # 2's)

I tag....everyone who reads my blog! I will exempt Malie so she doesn't have to do these again...lol.

Tagged!

Ok, I have never been tagged, (thanks Malie) so this should be interesting for me, but probably boring to everyone else. It is an A to Z tag:

A - Attached or single: attached
B - Best friend: John
C - Cake or pie: Cake! My mom's CHOCOLATE (duh) Texas Cake....mmmmmm
D - Day of choice: Saturday, our family day.
E - Essential items: cell phone, and my computer.
F- Favorite color: Navy Blue
G - Gummy bears or worms: neither... they stick to my teeth...yuck

H - Hometown: Dublan, Chihuahua, Mexico (yes, OLD mexico)
I - Indulgence(s): Very Bad one... Blue Bird Chocolates....
J - January or July: July! I love the 4th of July with the Parades, warm (not scalding like AZ.) weather, and lighting fireworks outside with the neighbors.
K- Kids: Marcus (16) Aaron (13) Noah (8) Jackson (6)
L- Life is incomplete without: family and friends
M- Marriage date: 11/2/90
N- Number of siblings: 2 sisters, 3 brothers
O - Oranges or apples: Apples
P- Phobias or fears: Falling from somewhere high
Q - Quotes: "Gloom we have always with us, a rank and sturdy weed, but joy requires tending." Barbara Holland

R - Reason to smile: When my boys come up and hug me (especially when they are 13 and 16!)

S- Season of choice: SPRING! I love seeing the Tulips coming up through the snow, especially after a long winter like we had! I LOVE the seasons.

T - Tag three friends: Allison, Nancy J., and whoever else reads my blog and has a blog.

U - Unknown fact about me: I have ADD... oh yeah, it was supposed to be and UNKNOWN fact.

V - Very favorite store: Kohl's and Target

W - Worst habit: Getting distracted, (goes back to the ADD)

X - X-ray or ultrasound: Ultrasound.

Y - Your favorite food: Tortas from Nuevo Casas Grandes, Chihuahua, Mexico (there are many different types)

Z - Zodiac Sign: Virgo... Shocker, I know

Remember if I mentioned your name in my tag you have to copy and paste this in a post on your blog and then change the answers to suit you.

Happy Easter

Just wondering if anyone had a large object that scrapes boys off the ceilings? After a day of candy from the Easter Bunny, I need something to bring my kids down to a safe level without the grumpiness side-effects. Jackson especially! He is literally climbing everything he can and running around like a mad man... well, more so than usual. He keeps asking for more and more to the point that I think he would eat straight from the sugar bowl if I let him. Who invented the Easter Bunny anyway? Oh, but now days, people are getting ipods, dvds, game systems etc. Whatever!! Even though I complain about the candy, that is ridiculous. Just another day to spoil our kids... not us! They are lucky if they get a chocolate bunny. Its bad enough to find things for their birthdays and Christmas, so lets not go adding on to the list. What comes next? An iphone under the pillow from the toothfairy? Geesh! Thats a lot of baby teeth to be buying for. Seriously, I have heard of some people giving their kids $5, $10/ tooth! Heck, I would yank out all my teeth for that price! ok, off my soap box.

More Info...

Last night we went over to the Lunds for dinner. They are some pretty good friends of ours and we had a good time. They have twin boys that are Noah's age, a boy that is Jackson's age and a 3 1/2 yr old little girl, who is just a doll. It was so nice to get out and do something to get our minds off of things. It seems like the last year or so we are really getting to be a lot more social and going out with a lot of other couples. Its pretty strange especially cause we really haven't been that way with a lot of people.
While we were there, John got a call from his Mom who had received the Dr.'s reports on her diagnosis. She has Lymphoma type B, which is a pretty common type. They found a mass on one of her ovaries, splatters on her lymph nodes, and they see a dark spot on her lungs that they aren't sure what it is. They recommended an Oncologist, and to get in as soon as she can. When John talked to her, she asked what she should do next. I think she is in shock. All she could talk about was moving to Phoenix, and John just kept telling her to focus on getting into a Dr. She promised that she will call on monday first thing. I know that feeling of numbness and shock, you really don't know what to do next. If our Doctor hadn't made arrangements for Marcus for us, who knows what we would have done. So John will double check on her and make sure she is getting on it. It sounds pretty serious and she might to have surgery. We are keeping positive and hoping that we can be of some help to her. Marcus seems to have taken the news o.k., and thinks he can be a good support for her. It has been a long week, but we made it through o.k. and we look forward to tomorrow when Marcus's friend has his mission farewell , and Marcus goes to get his Patriarchal Blessing. Hopefully it is a sign of a good week ahead.

Warning.... Downer Day.

Just when I get to thinking we are getting back to "normal" around here, and I am feeling good, comfortable with my life, more bad news. Rebekah, my Mother-In-Law, was diagnosed with Lymphoma. They ran a bunch of tests on her yesterday to see exactly what kind they are dealing with and what is next. We haven't told the kids yet until all the tests are back and we know exactly what we are dealing with and what treatments are etc. Marcus will be especially worried and want to know all the details.
Then I found out yesterday that Clarissa, (our neighbor girl who is 11 with the same cancer as Marcus) had an MRI yesterday. The tumor is still growing and she has new spots where it has spread, even with treatments. The tumor board will meet together and decide if there is some experimental treatment they can do, or if they are done. They contacted Make-A-Wish and are going to try to do something for her soon. It just breaks my heart and just hits too close to home.
If you could please keep them both in your thoughts and prayers, I would really appreciate it. I will be sure to hug each of my kids today and tell them that I love them.

Glasses!

Noah has been struggling with his reading for a little while now, so we decided to take him to get his eyes checked. Sure enough, the little man has to have reading glasses. His left eye is normal and his right one is the one that can't see very well. He doesn't have to wear them unless he is doing schoolwork or reading. The first few days he had them, he broke the reading groups "speed" record. He sure was proud of that. We were pretty worried about his reading, but hopefully this will help him a lot. He picked them out himself. They are "Garfield glasses" and came with a case that is furry and looks like Garfield. It is amazing how they make things look so cute. When we were picking out his glasses, he pointed to some and said... those look just like Chloe's glasses. I thought that was cute that he would remember what her glasses look like. He is quite the ladies man ,you know. After all, his best friends are girls.

Someone found my camera!

Notice anything similar between these 2 pictures? Yeah, its our "big-nose pup" Mr. Jackson. He is quite the stinker. I had to delete the pictures of the dark living room, the t.v. and the pile of dirty laundry. I love digital camera's, I used to spend so much money on a roll of film only to find a few pictures of the walls or of the floor. This way I can delete a few of the ones that are a waste and keep the cute ones. Our Jackson sure keeps our life interesting. He told Noah the other day that our family was going to have a new baby, Noah asked him how he knew that and his response was... duh, look at Dads tummy. NICE! At least it wasn't me, THIS time! Gotta love 'em. He sure wears me out on some days, but most of the time I just love his out look on life. He keeps me laughing, giving me wrinkles and lots of gray hair.

Easter?

Did you realize that in a few weeks (this month) it will be Easter? Boy it sure doesn't feel like it! We still have about a foot of snow on the ground and more coming down right now. So look what my dear, sweet, loving husband brought me to help us all feel the Spring and get in the Easter Spirit. It has been a long winter. We have had snow on the ground constantly since right after Thanksgiving. We did get up to 46 degrees the other day, but when there is no grass nor flowers, its hard to believe that Easter is only 3 weeks away! Who planned that one?? We already feel like hunting down that groundhog as it is, but what happened to having Easter in April? At least I can deal with that a little better. Plus, the boys are supposed to start soccer soon... mmmm
maybe in their snowsuits! I think that would be just lovely! I really don't think it will be starting as soon as everyone thinks. I am not looking forward to sitting out in freezing cold weather watching my little boys freeze!! Oh well, the joys of living in Utah. I do love snow and the seasons. This one has just been a long one. Maybe this summer won't be too hot, and we will get a lot of rain. AAhhhhh, that sounds great to me.
Well, in other news, Marcus's bloodtest results came back that all his hormone levels are normal! That is amazing!!! Especially the fact that he had radiation right on his pituitary gland, plus all that chemo and his levels are great! That is nice to know, but now we are back to square one.... what is causing his knee pain? I guess we will have to go to an orthopedic doc and maybe they can figure it out. I just hate to see him have to deal with more pain. I know, we have been soooo sooo blessed! I am soooo excited that he is doing so well, I hate to even complain. A part of me just wants to leave him alone and let him have a short rest from Doctors right now. His next MRI is next month so maybe we will wait until then and if he is still in pain, then we will go from there. He doesn't complain too much and he is taking celebrex which seems to help. He is doing better emotionally as well. He came home from his last day of the trimester and was sitting in his room reading a paper. I went in and asked him what he was reading. He looked at me and said... I can't believe this. It was our last day in seminary and everyone wrote something about each person. Almost every single person wrote of how much He had strengthened their testimonies and what an amazing person he is. Some wrote about how his experiences that he shared, gave them strength and a stronger testimony. He just beamed! He said he had no idea that anyone felt this way about him. That next sunday, he got up and bore his Testimony for the first time since we moved here, and did it with such confidence and surety. I am so proud of him. He will be receiving his Patriarchal Blessing on the 16th of March, and I think I am more excited than anyone else. I remember when I received mine, it was so awesome! I know he will have the same experience.

Music

Well, I copied some of the other blogs and put some of our music on here. Music is a big part of our home, so I thought that putting our music on here would give a little more of "our Home" feel. We also love to joke around and the spider pig song is just a song the "guys" love to sing. Everyone picked out a few songs, can you figure out who picked what song? OK, for those of you who know that John is a HUGE "Dead Head", Bertha is a given. OK.... Now you can guess.

Glad I am home now....

Gosh, I never thought that my job caused me so much stress. I thought for sure that I would be more tense and go crazy being at home, but it has been the opposite. I haven't had to take as much meds for my pains and anxiety like I used to. Plus, I really think that I used work to ignore the problems that were going on at home. At first I thought that was a good thing, but now I can see that it has caused a little damage. Aaron and Marcus are really struggling with school and friends, they used to fight so much with each other, I thought the police would have to come separate them at times! Since I have been home, they have been getting along so much better, even though they get too physical and don't realize they are almost "adult SIZE" now and not the little kids they used to be (well, they are in their hearts). I honestly feel that this is what I was supposed to do. Nothing is more important that these years and they are flying by. Already Aaron's "attitude problem" is a little less, he is working on his homework more and is trying a little harder. Noah hugs me every morning and tell me he is glad to have me home. I sure did miss seeing the boys in the morning!!
Marcus is really having a hard time with friends. You always hope that teens will open up and tell you whats bothering them, but that doesn't happen until it spills out. Marcus isn't a real social person, but lately I have noticed that he has been really down. He has stopped going to dances, won't go on dates, and doesn't "hang out" with anyone. He finally told me that kids he thought were good friends of his have been doing things and not inviting him. He said he told them straight out that he wanted to go to the next dance with them, but they made plans without him anyway. He gets a ride to school with a friend of his who is senior, except for certain days. Well, he told me that a kid on the bus called him a 'retard' right to his face and was laughing at him!! Marcus stood up to him and told him he has cancer, but that didn't seem to stop this idiot! People stare at him and that makes him uncomfortable for sure. I asked him if he knew when prom was and he just snapped at me and said... "don't know, don't care". It just breaks my heart, High School is so hard for all kids, but to look different than everyone else must be so hard. I am sure girls are afraid of him because of his situation and they really don't know what to say. I wish I could find one girl that would ask him out to build his confidence. It is so hard for me to watch him go through this, I just want him to be a "normal teen" but I know he is not. I just wish they could see what I see, but then again, no one can see what I can see, I am his mother.

Make a Ribbon Bookmark - wikiHow

Make a Ribbon Bookmark - wikiHow

Update....

Well, all of Marcus's reports are on their way and I should get them soon. I talked to Dr. Watson who is Marcus's pediatric-neuro-radio-oncologist (long title, huh?) Anyway, he is the Dr. that did Marcus's radiation therapy. I talked to him over the phone while he looked on the computer at every one of Marcus's scans. (He acutally READ the scans himself, not as in reading a report) Anyway, he told me that there is no way that this "nodule" could be meningioma. #1 reason... it has been there since his first scan post-op and it has not changed since then. #2 reason... side effects of the radiation like another tumor growing don't show up until 5 -10 years post-treatment. Something I knew already and read many articles on. He also said that the pain in Marcus's knees could be caused by a hormonal imbalance because the radiation was so close to his pituitary gland. It also could be causing his behavior problems as well. Is it me or isn't this something that this Doctor, being a NEURO-ONCOLOGIST know about? Hasn't she dealt with anyone having radiation to the brain before? It just seems like they have the attitude of... oh well, it has nothing to do with cancer, so therefore its not my problem, have a nice day, GOODBYE. It really makes me so angry to think that if our Dr. was still around, she probably would have checked his hormone levels because she knows Marcus and knows where he has had radiation. I am just soooo "Urked" right now. If Dr. Bruggers doesn't come back, not sure what we will do. I don't want to go to someone who seems like they have NO IDEA what they are doing.
In other news, we took Aaron for stitches last night. Who says NERF isn't dangerous? Aaron and Marcus were downstairs (lower ceiling) in Aaron's room playing with Noah's HUGE nerf gun. Marcus lifted it straight up in the air and hit the glass light shade that fell on his head and broke (I think they put a metal plate in Marcus's head during surgery) which sent pieces flying everywhere including Aaron's arm. So we went to Instacare and Aaron had 3 stitches put in, which by the way, I won the bet. We bet on how many it would be. Marcus said 5, the nurse said 4 and I said 3... HA! I WON! Of course Aaron chose 3 after I did, so we both won. He was brave and survived the needle.
Nothing is ever boring at the Russells! Well, gotta go get ready for Jackson and Noah's Parent-teacher conferences.... So much fun to see what the boys have done, or with Jackson... what he has said or destroyed.

Ch-Ch-Change....

Life at the Russell home is constantly changing. Just when we get used to one thing, something else comes up and life has to change once again. What has changed? Well, I quit my job and I am now a stay-at-home Mom once again. After the latest going on with Marcus, Aaron failing some of his classes, and trying to juggle getting Jackson to school from daycare in the middle of the day, we decided that this was the right time. I haven't been able to get things done to get the second opinion going for Marcus, and John has to schedule things at work around picking up Jackson. His work has actually been suffering a little. So we calculated things financially, he got a raise and a bonus at work and the city is paying him a "little" so that is what made us decide that it was time for me to stay home and get things at home put back into place. We have made a huge headway in getting quite a bit paid off, so hopefully in the near future, we will buy a new home. Unfortunately, that is not our main goal or concern right now.
I am working on getting Marcus's MRI reports, typing up a "report" to send to 2 other doctors. Plus, I am trying to talk with Marcus's Neuro-Radio-Oncologist who did Marcus's radiation treatments to see if he can look at his actual MRI's and read them for a 2nd opinion on the Meningioma. Dr. Packer at National Childrens Hospital said he would look over Marcus's MRI reports and give us his opinion, but he won't give us a "full report" until we go and he looks at Marcus himself. John and I haven't come to an agreement on that one yet, so for now I will just get the reports ready to "send" to Dr. Packer.
Well, I gotta go pick up the little boys from school. My new day-job.... Taxi-driver! YEAHHH!

Thanks to the Taylor/Horne Genes........

Jackson was officially diagnosed yesterday as being... "COLOR BLIND"! Not sure exactly what happens with that but Jacksons teacher had the Nurse come in and evaluate him, and sure enough, the little stinker is color blind. I kinda figured that because he is so inconsistent with colors, and with his little "stubborn" attitude (also thanks to those wonderful genes) he will argue that orange is red until the cows come home. What a lovely combination..... sigh. Oh well, he is who he is and I love him even more for standing up for what he believes is right, even if it is just a color. He is struggling to read even though he knows all the letters, sounds they make and has for a while. We are still trying to figure out if he just doesn't want to read, or if he can't. I am betting on the first option.
This picture is on Jackson's 6th birthday. I can't believe how big he is getting. He is wearing a size 13 shoe, and is wearing size 6 to 7 clothes. Noah is finally in size 8, and size 13.5, or a size 1 shoe. I can't believe how fast time is flying by.

Noah, had his first Pinewood derby, he came in 5th place out of 22 cars!!!! His car was GOLD. He and John put it together the night before... (just like a lot of parents do) and still came in good time. He is having so much fun in his Cub Scouts. He really is growing up to be quite the little fixer, and especially our Artist. He always has his "gallery" of art around the house. He makes and decorates the house for every occation. We have a snow man and snowflakes on walls and windows. Now he is working on some paper weaving projects. He is always working on something.

Mormon Religion: President Gordon B. Hinckley

Here is a dedication of his life, his humor, and his unconditional love for everyone.... even me.
We Thank Thee, Oh God for a Prophet....

Praise to the Man....

Just wanted to post about a man whom I have known all my life, and always smiled when I heard his voice. I have felt such an emotional bond with him because that is who he is. He is the one person whom I could feel Heavenly Fathers love come through the pulpit and into my heart. President Gordon B. Hinckley.
Meeting him for the first time, he was in the First Presidency of the Church, a councilor to President Benson, where he dedicated a new Young Adult Stake Center here in Logan, Utah. I was in the Choir where I sat right behind him during the Services. What a spirit filled the room when he was in it. After it all came to a close, President Hinckley turned around and told a few of us what beautiful music we had performed, shaking our hands. What a feeling when he looked me in the eye and shook my hand, I felt like he knew me and loved me.
After he was made President, I saw him when he went to Colonial Juarez to our High School's Centennial (our High School is operated and owned by the LDS church. ). Little did we know that it would be there that he had the inspiration for the Small Temples being built. How exciting to know that he was thinking of my family and how they could serve in the Temple as well.
Then... when we came to the dedication of one of those first Small Temples in Colonial Juarez, I will never forget the words he spoke of my ancestors and that this Temple was built for them because of their hard work, dedication and trials they had endured. No other Ward or Stake in the world has so many Mission Presidents, General authorities, and Temple Presidents have come from one little place, that most people don't even know about.
Tears come to my eyes whenever we sing.. "We Thank thee Oh God, for a Prophet." Because I know we have one and even though President Hinckley is not with us, I know that President Monson is now our living Prophet today. I love him as well and look forward to many years of him Guiding us onward.

Good News..... but still uncertain.

Went to Primary Children's yesterday. They did both MRI's on spine and brain, all looked clean!!!! That is great news, except no one knows why Marcus is having pain. I really want to believe that it is just the Osgood-Shlatter (growing fast so the ligaments pull and cause pain) but I just feel deep down that something is wrong. I mean, obviously it is because Marcus is in a lot of pain and it seems to get worse. The Aleeve he has been taking really doesn't help much anymore and he just hurts all the time. I have had people tell me that I am just "looking for trouble" and that I am just jumping over every little thing. I am sorry, but I am a Mother and I am a complete believer in a "mothers intuition". Ever since Marcus's last MRI I have felt on edge and not understanding why I am just not feeling the peace I have been praying for. Well, part of it I found out today.

Our Oncologist that we saw yesterday is a new Dr. they hired back in September. She went over all his symptoms and then went down and looked at his MRI's. Came back saying they looked great. So she suggested going down and having his knees x-rayed on our way out. Today, she was nice enough to call John at work and tell him that she looked at his x-rays and off hand she can't see anything that would be causing the pain, but she is not a bone specialist. Then she goes on to say... "Oh by the way, did they tell you last november that his last MRI showed that his ___ (can't rembember what its called, but its the lining of the brain underneath the skull) has thickened quit a bit?" NO WAY!!!! No one ever told us that. She said that she didn't notice it until she went back and looked at his past scans and spent some time comparing them. It showed up in novembers scan and looks the same right now. If it gets any thicker they will have to do surgery. Of course they didnt give John any information on the signs or symptoms to look for if it does. Now, I know this has NOTHING to do with his knees hurting, but this really makes me wonder if anyone took the time (since Dr. Bruggers is gone) to really look at his scans and compare. This also makes me wonder if they are missing anything. I really am just sooooooo ANGRY about this, I can't even tell you. I am going to do everything I can to get on this and nag anyone and everyone to get his knees taken care of and also to look at his scans. I just can't believe that this is happening. I know someone from my Ped. Brain Tumor support group who has had bad experiences with them as well. It has taken them 6 months to finally tell her that her son needs a 3rd opinion on his pathology!!! I tell you, I am ready to pack up and go to another Dr.... SOMEWHERE... ANYWHERE because my trust in these Dr.'s is about out. Like I have heard a 1,000,000 times... no one loves my children as much as me and I am the only one who can speak for them and get them the treatment they need and deserve.

Ok, off my soap-box. Just had to "vent" a little, and it will probably not be the last time either.

Tucson, Arizona.

Just got home today. Marcus went to his band camp and University of Arizona. He left wednesday, spent some time with Nanny (John's Mom) and a little time with Matt and Nancy (John's brother and his wife). He spent all day friday and saturday at the camp. I flew out friday night and spent the day with my parents, my 2 sisters and my brother and their families. We all made it to the concert on saturday evening. I think we had the biggest crowd for just one student. I love to hear him play. We ordered a CD and I video-taped it as well. He looked so handsome up there all dressed up and right on the end where we all could see him.
I am having a "deja-voo" just writting this. I have waited to post anything because I waited to tell Marcus until we got home from our trip. He has been having a lot of knee pain, so much that I notice him walking like he is in pain. He also has had his legs "give out" on him a few times and the other day, his leg went numb just sitting in the car for a 10-minute drive. I called the Oncologists office and they took forever in calling me back because their whole office is a MESS. Marcus's doctor, Dr. Bruggers is still on personal leave and probably won't be back until MARCH! I tried to get a hold of the BT specialty nurse that we know so well, and after 2 calls, I found out that SHE is out on personal leave as well!! I got so frustrated I called our good friend, our Primary doctor, Dr. Duke. Not only is he our doc, he has been my therapist, voice of reason and someone we can call on for anything. He takes our phone calls no matter where he is. So I call him and he was at lunch, he calls me back and I answer his call in the stupid bathroom because we can't have them out on the floor. So I tell him whats going on, and I ask him what it could be and if I should be concerned about it. All he did was take a deep sigh and said... "Karen, you and I both know what it is". And because I am the mom I started thinking of anything I could, like side-effects from the chemo or radiation, growing pains, ANYTHING but that!!! Then I could feel a drop that landed hard in my stomach. He said, Karen... you and I both know what a horrid thing this cancer is, and it has probably spread somewhere that is putting pressure on those nerves. This thing is eventually going to take his life someday, and we just have to keep trying new things to keep him here as long as we can or as long as he wants to keep on fighting. There is no cure for this, but we can do the best we can with what we have. I suggest you just call up Oncology and make an appointment for the next week or so and have an MRI done on his spine and brain. " I agreed and thanked him. There I was in the dumb bathroom at work. I looked up at myself and the tears just came. I couldn't stop, I went in the stall and bawled. Then I had to snap out of it and go out to work, but I just couldn't stop the waterworks for NOTHING. So I went home and took some xanax to pull myself together. Afterall, it was Jacksons birthday and I had to put a smile on my face and have a PARTY. We decided not to tell Marcus until he got home so he could enjoy his time. I told him on the plane home and he took it well. He is just staying positive and enjoying being home with his brothers.

"Who busted a grumpy?"

Yes, this is what I hear on a regular basis at our house lately. With a house full of boys, what do you expect? For those not familiar with this term, it is a new (not sure if its really new, but new to me) way of asking," who let wind?" Yes, I am not really sure why boys are sooooo entertained by this disgusting bodily function, but it can really get out of control. Its so much fun to be out-numbered.......... NOT! In church I look around and see these cute little girls in frilly dresses, bows in their hair, nails painted and wonder... what would that be like? But you know, if it was MY little girl, with all these boys, (and yes, without the boys, I admit) she would be just like my monster boys and fit in quite well. I held my own with the boys when I was growing up, and gave my parents enough grief to make up for most of the other kids put together. So when I talk about Jackson, I do so with love, because.... like John would say to me..."he is soooo you, Karen". Yes, I admit it, but just not to John.... I want him to think I am a little ANGEL..... shhhhhhh, don't tell.
Speaking of Jackson, he turns 6 years old day after tomorrow! WOW... can't believe my baby is so big. Hopefully we will be getting him a bike, but with all the snow we are getting, not sure where he could ride it until after Noah's birthday in April! He really needs one though.
We are also getting ready for Marcus to leave on Wednesday for Tucson, Arizona!!!! He is so excited! He will be going to a special Band Camp there where he will get an opportunity to try out for a scholarship. Plus he will be meeting kids from all over the west and performing with them. I will go too, but not until friday after work, but I am thrilled that I get to go too.

Happy New Year!

What a difference a few days make. We have been so fortunate to have some fun things come to our family. The Make a Wish Foundation called and want to grant Marcus's wish. When I first asked him what his wish would be, he pointed to his poster of an F-16 plane. He loves planes and wants to fly the military planes the most. I know that is a wish that might be really hard to grant, but wouldn't that be awesome?
Also Marcus will be going to Tucson in a couple of weeks for an Honors Band camp at University of Arizona. He will fly down the 16th of January and start camp the 17th. I will fly down as well, but that will be Friday after work. He will have a concert Saturday and we both will fly home on sunday. He is really excited about that as well. We have been so blessed to be able to have these opportunities come up for him.
I have really felt so comforted lately. I have had some wonderful friends and family give me some great words of comfort and support. That has meant so much to me. I am so grateful to have so much love and support around me and my family. I just hope I can give it back to others.
It also has been nice to be home most of the whole Christmas Vacation with the boys. It has been so nice to spend some quality time with them. Today they get to go to school and I get to have some time to myself. Wow.... what will that be like? Anyway.... all is good today!

Merry Christmas!

And that it was! We had a great day today. We had a great time especially because he had around 8 inches of snow last night and most of it fell in less than 8 hours. The boys were so excited to have some snow to use their new sleds on. Today the weather was wonderful, bright blue skies, snow on the trees and ground, it was just a beautiful day. We all had a fun time this morning opening gifts and enjoying time with each other. I am so glad that I have the rest of this week off. It is some much needed time to spend with my boys. It will be so nice to be able to just "hang out" with the boys and spend some quality time without having to worry about being anywhere or doing anything. After we do some cleaning that really needs some attention, we will bust out some games, watch some movies that we got for Christmas, and hopefully have some "Peace on Earth" in our home for a few days.
The last few days I have felt so much more peace and comfort. I know that the Lord has blessed me with that peace so that we could have a nice Christmas that we will remember for a long time. John has been such a great support lately, and that has meant the world to me. I was seriously worried about us and which way we were headed, but I think things are turning around and we are doing so much better now.
Well, I am going to go check on my boys before I go to bed. I am so grateful for such a great day like today. Its what we all needed.

Just CRAZY!

Here I have promised myself to cheer up, put on a smile, get into the Christmas Spirit. For some reason it really has been hard to get myself there, and I am sure its cause of Chloe for one reason. She is still in the hospital and her mom is at home about to give birth. I can't imagine all this going on especially during Christmas time. Stacie will be induced on the 22nd, and hopefully get their little baby boy here.
We have some neighbors who live a block away from us whom we really don't know real well, but Marcus and Aaron know their oldest daughters. Anyway, day before yesterday their 11 yr-old daughter was diagnosed with a..... BRAIN TUMOR! Hers is located between 2 lobes and is sitting on a major artery. They did surgery today to try and take out what they could. When Julie, our neighbor called and told me (she is the R. S. president in their ward) I was dumbfounded! All the feelings came rushing back and the nightmare was real again. I just want to run over to their house and hug every one of those kids. Oh how I wish NO-ONE would have to hear those words or feel that stab in the stomach. That night John and I sat in the dark, just staring at our Christmas Tree not even speaking to each other, but yet knowing what the other was thinking. John finally said... I never knew life could be this hard.

We made it.

I haven't posted in a while because life has just been crazy.
We got some bad news yesterday. Marcus took 5 hours of testing yesterday with the Neuro-psychologist and the extent of his short term memory loss is a lot more than we thought. He really has a hard time remember anything unless he goes over it over 4 or 5 times in a row and that is only on some things. He has been failing every test he has taken. His language skills are pretty minimal. The place where the tumor was, is where his language is. He has always struggled putting his thoughts on paper, but now it is even worse. He has a hard time putting his thoughts together period as well as not really understanding words that he reads or hears. School at this point is going to be a MAJOR struggle for him and so is trying to get the schools to make accommodations for him. He pretty much passes the tests on a "below average" level, therefore this legally doesn't qualify him for "resource". He hasn't been able to get his drivers permit because he can't understand the book to begin with, plus he can't remember things either. He also has "outbursts" where he actually hurts his brothers, and according to the Dr.'s that is normal with any frontal lobe injury. They think going to a psychiatrist would be good and maybe put him on a anti-depressant. I guess to me its just a reality-check that yes, Marcus is alive and well, but in terms of his future, all the dreams he has ever had are gone. Even the thought of a mission is a very scary thought for him, especially when he can't put his thoughts together to say a prayer other than what he has said over and over again for years. It really bit me in the butt that life for him will never be "normal" and trying to keep him positive and happy is getting to be harder and harder. He realizes that and I am sure its the scariest thing for him. Not being able to remember is a scary thought for me, but to think that most of the things I wanted to do in life are going to be harder than ever, if even possible at all.
On the other hand, we have been blessed with another chance for him, for which we don't know for how long. I know tomorrow is another day and I will be grateful for having another day with my sons and husband.